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  #76  
Old 03-08-2020, 02:21 AM
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We did what we thought was best, we tried, we've split up, we tried again, we're emotionally attached, just not focusing on a marriage... we're doing what is best for ourselves. I am unable to commit to moving out of my county (right now), where he cannot reside, possibly ever. We love each other and are more involved in each others lives than ever before, a marriage just isn't the focus. We discussed getting divorced before he got out, but we agreed to wait and check things out.. we're fine, we're just not rushing to move in together - my daughter is a few months away from moving out to attend college and for the first time in my life I will be an empty nester, I will take a year to explore how that feels and what it means to be alone, for once in my life - I owe it to myself and he respects that.
I don't know your story. I only know from what I've read. Only you know the real, full story. I just find it puzzling you waited for a super long time, then have a message that says you were done being around him after 4 days, and barely had the patience to have any more communication with him. To someone reading your post, one could possibly infer that you just didn't enjoy being around him enough or you prefer the control of limited contact that prison relationships have. I would do a million terrible, bad things to be in your situation, where I'm not staring at 1904 days and about to (I'm sure at some point, Nevada closed all visitation for TWO cases of COV-19) lose my visitation in Oregon for quite awhile because of this stupid ass virus. I get a 3 hour reprieve, 5 days a week. Alone, won't even begin to describe how I will feel if/when that happens. Maybe you have a strong support system in place with lots of people, but I, and I'm sure many of us, do not. It wouldn't matter to me at all what I had to do to be with my wife, and throwing away the years that I've went through to be even at this point, makes me sick to my stomach. Its disappointing to always see the negative side of these stories, when most of time, it's been how to figure how to get to tomorrow.
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  #77  
Old 03-08-2020, 12:54 PM
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No one gets that time back.
We give it unconditionally, why would we ever want it back? We don't go back, no thought of it - at least we don't... we appreciate our time, that in which we spent together and thought of in one another, it served such a beautiful purpose - continues to, whether understood or not at the moment.
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  #78  
Old 03-08-2020, 01:04 PM
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I don't know your story. I only know from what I've read. Only you know the real, full story. I just find it puzzling you waited for a super long time, then have a message that says you were done being around him after 4 days, and barely had the patience to have any more communication with him. To someone reading your post, one could possibly infer that you just didn't enjoy being around him enough or you prefer the control of limited contact that prison relationships have. I would do a million terrible, bad things to be in your situation, where I'm not staring at 1904 days and about to (I'm sure at some point, Nevada closed all visitation for TWO cases of COV-19) lose my visitation in Oregon for quite awhile because of this stupid ass virus. I get a 3 hour reprieve, 5 days a week. Alone, won't even begin to describe how I will feel if/when that happens. Maybe you have a strong support system in place with lots of people, but I, and I'm sure many of us, do not. It wouldn't matter to me at all what I had to do to be with my wife, and throwing away the years that I've went through to be even at this point, makes me sick to my stomach. Its disappointing to always see the negative side of these stories, when most of time, it's been how to figure how to get to tomorrow.
I'm sorry, I'm really trying to remember and just can't-- are you MWI?
I've long respected Mizzy's stance, as well. I did the opposite because my experience was different-- we had regular visitation and have been at this eight years. We have had a very grounded view of our relationship (feel free to read through my MWI posts, I think I actually have a reputation of being anti-fantasy...). We've held reality in the forefront even when it was hard.
But after 18 years in prison and a steady dose of juvenile hall and group homes before that, there is no way in hell or heaven or earth that my husband could tell me how he was going to be or feel once released. From my perspective, no one could have prepped me for his release aside from the factual bits. And that's the most honest we could be.

He was released on Tuesday. We had a whole 21 hours together (that we shared with his brother and wife plus the five hour drive away from prison) before he was sent seven hours farther away to a halfway house. He's handling things like a champ. Me? I'm falling apart in a way I never dreamed. Four days into his release, I was (and still have moments) ready to tell him to take the next month and just focus on him because it's hurting too much to live this way. Maybe that's disappointing to you, but it's reality.

I think it's terribly unfair to compare situations-- mine to yours, yours to Moon's, Moon's to anyone else's. While we're all here because of a common thread, no two people have the same relationship, relationship history, and certainly no one can read the future of their relationship post incarceration.

There are so many factors here in play that what you would do is based on how you're feeling-- you miss your LO, you want to be with her, you've had a good history and she's been in a relatively short period of time. That can't compare to a couple that's spent decades together but apart, where maybe you've raised a child alone because of their absence, or the person inside struggled with personal demons different than you've been exposed to. It doesn't factor in real life circumstances like loss of a job or a major hit to your own health, the impact that a changed society has on a long-term offender. It doesn't anticipate the reality of an absence of intimacy following abuse inside prison. ALL of that matters, not just they were in prison and we missed them but now that they're out we're done. That's a misleading simplification of anyone's story.

All I'm trying to say is that no one wins this one. No one. We all do the best we can. What looks obvious to you might be far-fetched to someone else.

Last edited by miamac; 03-08-2020 at 01:10 PM..
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  #79  
Old 03-08-2020, 01:08 PM
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I don't know your story. I only know from what I've read. Only you know the real, full story. I just find it puzzling you waited for a super long time, then have a message that says you were done being around him after 4 days, and barely had the patience to have any more communication with him. To someone reading your post, one could possibly infer that you just didn't enjoy being around him enough or you prefer the control of limited contact that prison relationships have. I would do a million terrible, bad things to be in your situation, where I'm not staring at 1904 days and about to (I'm sure at some point, Nevada closed all visitation for TWO cases of COV-19) lose my visitation in Oregon for quite awhile because of this stupid ass virus. I get a 3 hour reprieve, 5 days a week. Alone, won't even begin to describe how I will feel if/when that happens. Maybe you have a strong support system in place with lots of people, but I, and I'm sure many of us, do not. It wouldn't matter to me at all what I had to do to be with my wife, and throwing away the years that I've went through to be even at this point, makes me sick to my stomach. Its disappointing to always see the negative side of these stories, when most of time, it's been how to figure how to get to tomorrow.
First of all, there is nothing "negative" about my story. Obviously I'm not posting ALL details and thoughts about us not moving forward as a married couple, but don't TWIST it as a negative.

(not moving and us getting divorced is not at all contingent on amount of time we spent out here, none at all) I spent more than 4 days with Jr before that post and realizing I wasn't prepared to make a massive "move"... I vented in here about the weight and demand I was feeling at the time after those particular 4 days - didn't mean to make him or myself look bad, I do adore him! A few months ago I thought the move necessary to living with him would be an easy decision to make, is it unfortunate that it's not, YES, but it's not "negative"! Jr is the one asking for a divorce (since I'm not making the leap in moving, I'm not fighting him on it)... we still hang up our calls with "I love you" & I will still visit him.

In fact, I do not have a strong support system, I have only myself and cannot depend on my 22 year old daughter who's life is sky rocketing, Jr however has a vast and loving support system with friends and family driving out to spend time with him whether they are near or far

Wishing you and yours the best xx

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Old 03-08-2020, 01:25 PM
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He was released on Tuesday.

Finally! Been waiting for this news!! So happy for him and though you're currently a mess over the current state of it all, I'm smiling ear to ear... what a gift of emotions to go through, yepp even these crazy madding moments - we're damned if we do we're damned if we don't... I wouldn't change anything!

You'll be great, he'll be great... try not to focus too much on the goal / final destination of each goal, try to enjoy the journey to each objective goal...Jr started out with daily or weekly goals, then went to incorporate bi-weekly goals and now he's added in monthly goals - soon he'll be able to juggle longer focus, but this method has taught me to appreciate the NOW / today, day by day.

Journal - scream - cry - ((hot baths and sauna time has helped me relax & focus))

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  #81  
Old 03-08-2020, 03:02 PM
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I'm sorry, I'm really trying to remember and just can't-- are you MWI?
I've long respected Mizzy's stance, as well. I did the opposite because my experience was different-- we had regular visitation and have been at this eight years. We have had a very grounded view of our relationship (feel free to read through my MWI posts, I think I actually have a reputation of being anti-fantasy...). We've held reality in the forefront even when it was hard.
But after 18 years in prison and a steady dose of juvenile hall and group homes before that, there is no way in hell or heaven or earth that my husband could tell me how he was going to be or feel once released. From my perspective, no one could have prepped me for his release aside from the factual bits. And that's the most honest we could be.

He was released on Tuesday. We had a whole 21 hours together (that we shared with his brother and wife plus the five hour drive away from prison) before he was sent seven hours farther away to a halfway house. He's handling things like a champ. Me? I'm falling apart in a way I never dreamed. Four days into his release, I was (and still have moments) ready to tell him to take the next month and just focus on him because it's hurting too much to live this way. Maybe that's disappointing to you, but it's reality.

I think it's terribly unfair to compare situations-- mine to yours, yours to Moon's, Moon's to anyone else's. While we're all here because of a common thread, no two people have the same relationship, relationship history, and certainly no one can read the future of their relationship post incarceration.

There are so many factors here in play that what you would do is based on how you're feeling-- you miss your LO, you want to be with her, you've had a good history and she's been in a relatively short period of time. That can't compare to a couple that's spent decades together but apart, where maybe you've raised a child alone because of their absence, or the person inside struggled with personal demons different than you've been exposed to. It doesn't factor in real life circumstances like loss of a job or a major hit to your own health, the impact that a changed society has on a long-term offender. It doesn't anticipate the reality of an absence of intimacy following abuse inside prison. ALL of that matters, not just they were in prison and we missed them but now that they're out we're done. That's a misleading simplification of anyone's story.

All I'm trying to say is that no one wins this one. No one. We all do the best we can. What looks obvious to you might be far-fetched to someone else.
I love this post and your lines and you are so right.
Sending you lots of love and strength and I hope you can be together soon just the way you two were talking and dreaming about those last 8 years. Stay strong and realistic and take good care of yourself! PM me if you want to chat and vent and scream.. whatever
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  #82  
Old 03-09-2020, 12:31 AM
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I'm sorry, I'm really trying to remember and just can't-- are you MWI?
I've long respected Mizzy's stance, as well. I did the opposite because my experience was different-- we had regular visitation and have been at this eight years. We have had a very grounded view of our relationship (feel free to read through my MWI posts, I think I actually have a reputation of being anti-fantasy...). We've held reality in the forefront even when it was hard.
But after 18 years in prison and a steady dose of juvenile hall and group homes before that, there is no way in hell or heaven or earth that my husband could tell me how he was going to be or feel once released. From my perspective, no one could have prepped me for his release aside from the factual bits. And that's the most honest we could be.

He was released on Tuesday. We had a whole 21 hours together (that we shared with his brother and wife plus the five hour drive away from prison) before he was sent seven hours farther away to a halfway house. He's handling things like a champ. Me? I'm falling apart in a way I never dreamed. Four days into his release, I was (and still have moments) ready to tell him to take the next month and just focus on him because it's hurting too much to live this way. Maybe that's disappointing to you, but it's reality.

I think it's terribly unfair to compare situations-- mine to yours, yours to Moon's, Moon's to anyone else's. While we're all here because of a common thread, no two people have the same relationship, relationship history, and certainly no one can read the future of their relationship post incarceration.

There are so many factors here in play that what you would do is based on how you're feeling-- you miss your LO, you want to be with her, you've had a good history and she's been in a relatively short period of time. That can't compare to a couple that's spent decades together but apart, where maybe you've raised a child alone because of their absence, or the person inside struggled with personal demons different than you've been exposed to. It doesn't factor in real life circumstances like loss of a job or a major hit to your own health, the impact that a changed society has on a long-term offender. It doesn't anticipate the reality of an absence of intimacy following abuse inside prison. ALL of that matters, not just they were in prison and we missed them but now that they're out we're done. That's a misleading simplification of anyone's story.

All I'm trying to say is that no one wins this one. No one. We all do the best we can. What looks obvious to you might be far-fetched to someone else.
Not really comparing my relationship to anyone elses. Our own experiences will always play into how we view any situation or relationship. People give the info, and we all interpret it our own way. But that's how conversation is fostered and different viewpoints are formed. I ask about the mindset of waiting forever, because I don't understand it when the next step is to leave and give up or want to give more time/space. Maybe I'm the one skewed. You have them out though. You have what you've been counting down for as long as you can remember. It's here. Years of going to bed alone, watching TV alone, eating at the table alone, and poof.. it all changes. I have no idea how my family and our daughter will respond when our magic day hits, but in the eternity I've known her, I have a pretty good idea. I've been with her outside that f'ing prison. I didn't get a broom closet to make a baby. So, when I read the many posts Moon writes about how long she's known her husband, and how excited she is, and how much she loves him, etc, yes, it is surprising to me when the plug is pulled after 3 months for whatever reason is given. Did the DL issue come as some surprise? Why is that so irritating? Anyone who spends 10+ years in prison, is going to have many challenges and issues, my wife included. She'd be 100% lost without me when she's out, because her family has abandoned her long ago, as is the case with 95% of inmates. So if she has a problem getting ID or worried about money or name whatever hardship and difficulty which I'm sure will come our way. Maybe my unique circumstances of 15 hours a week that I do visit, makes me more realistic of whats going to happen because we've went through this together every single week. That's not going to be the time where I think to myself this is too hard and can't handle it after spending over 3500 days without her. Isn't that the time to circle the wagons and become one and deal with it together when they need you the most? Isn't that why we get married? To have a partner, best friend, and have someone by your side no matter what? What can possibly be worse then having one in prison. There is literally no limit to the things I would do to be in both of your situations. In my opinion, people disregard that vows and words they say in marriage, and don't give the time and effort to work through together whatever comes along. I never thought she was a bad person though. However, if people decide to post their own story for all of us to read, it shouldn't be just a pom pom cheer leading barrage either. What's that going to help someone who reads this 10 years later?

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Old 03-09-2020, 01:54 AM
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That is the right mindset to have. It is why I respect your opinions. No other relationship status is more fantasized then a prison one. The blinders are put on. It isn't too difficult to be ultra charming and perfect in the small time to those that live so far apart. What's left? Completely dreaming about how great those 3 hours were. People get hurt, and this is even worse when you wait for someone. It's absolutely terrible. No one gets that time back.
That's what i tell my husband. I tell him that he's going to change, I'm going to change. And the years that we spend apart, we will never be able to get back. Our marriage dynamics will change. We will only be writing to one another, there will be no family visits as i'm now back overseas. To me this is a big concern.
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Old 03-09-2020, 02:10 AM
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We give it unconditionally, why would we ever want it back? We don't go back, no thought of it - at least we don't... we appreciate our time, that in which we spent together and thought of in one another, it served such a beautiful purpose - continues to, whether understood or not at the moment.
You spent 2 decades waiting for this. You even went back to him with much fanfare. I don't know how old you are, but that doesn't matter. That's roughly a third of your adult life. I would be beyond bitter because I could have found someone to take to the coast and have a romantic night than play arguing what overpriced chips to buy for the 28372nd time in the vending machine, or having every piece of communication monitored by some CO who probably shares it with his buddies. Definitely not saying you had some side piece, but some do, and they've freely admitted it. If it blows up, then it's not some cataclysmic event. That's not me, so I suffer. Plain and simple. You're right, I don't understand it. I'm not suggesting what you're doing is wrong. It's your life Doesn't mean I can't ask about it.

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  #85  
Old 03-09-2020, 12:26 PM
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You spent 2 decades waiting for this. You even went back to him with much fanfare. I don't know how old you are, but that doesn't matter. That's roughly a third of your adult life. I would be beyond bitter because I could have found someone to take to the coast and have a romantic night than play arguing what overpriced chips to buy for the 28372nd time in the vending machine, or having every piece of communication monitored by some CO who probably shares it with his buddies. Definitely not saying you had some side piece, but some do, and they've freely admitted it. If it blows up, then it's not some cataclysmic event. That's not me, so I suffer. Plain and simple. You're right, I don't understand it. I'm not suggesting what you're doing is wrong. It's your life Doesn't mean I can't ask about it.

Ooh, okay, so I never "waited" for him, I lived my life with him... everything I've gone through, he's gone through with me mentally / emotionally and vs versa. I met him when I was 20, at 21 I got into a relationship with someone and Jr knew ALL about it, I didn't even go visit Jr until I was 26 a year after the other relationship ended - I married Jr at 29 so from 29 - 33 I was totally loyal. At 33 I got back with my ex and have dated two fellas briefly after that. Since reuniting in June of last year, yes, I was loyal and devoted to working things out, but we're getting a divorce so that Jr has a complete clean slate, there's no knowing if we'll get remarried down the road - all I know is that we love and respect each other, that we have different directions to go into at the moment, but we're still very much connected. BTW I'm 39.

I greatly appreciate questions, not assumptions, so definitively feel free to ask - that goes for anyone.
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Old 03-09-2020, 12:45 PM
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Ooh, okay, so I never "waited" for him, I lived my life with him... everything I've gone through, he's gone through with me mentally / emotionally and vs versa. I met him when I was 20, at 21 I got into a relationship with someone and Jr knew ALL about it, I didn't even go visit Jr until I was 26 a year after the other relationship ended - I married Jr at 29 so from 29 - 33 I was totally loyal. At 33 I got back with my ex and have dated two fellas briefly after that. Since reuniting in June of last year, yes, I was loyal and devoted to working things out, but we're getting a divorce so that Jr has a complete clean slate, there's no knowing if we'll get remarried down the road - all I know is that we love and respect each other, that we have different directions to go into at the moment, but we're still very much connected. BTW I'm 39.

I greatly appreciate questions, not assumptions, so definitively feel free to ask - that goes for anyone.
No matter how you did it and what you did or did not not do, it doesn't matter now, you have to look ahead.
I somewhat sympathize with visitor611 because I'm just not doing the things a lot of MWIs are doing (like getting married in prison, etc.) and part of that is because of all the stories I've been reading on here those last years among other things. But it's my personal choice. And if this will turn out to be a total failure, well then that's on me I guess. Plus I'm already 55 and I hate drama

Nevertheless... whatever you are going through, I don't want to be in your shoes right now. There must be a lot of thoughts and feelings occupying you now and they probably don't give you the warm fuzzy feeling you'd rather have so I'm rooting for you that you will be on the path that'll make you happy in the not so distant future and then more. I mean it!
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Old 03-09-2020, 03:30 PM
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You have what you've been counting down for as long as you can remember. It's here. Years of going to bed alone, watching TV alone, eating at the table alone, and poof.. it all changes. I have no idea how my family and our daughter will respond when our magic day hits, but in the eternity I've known her, I have a pretty good idea. I've been with her outside that f'ing prison. I didn't get a broom closet to make a baby.
Do I? As far as I can tell my bed is still just me, I don't eat meals at all because I don't like to cook for myself. I watch Netflix, alone, until I fall asleep. Much like Moon, out of prison does not mean they are home. Kinda feels like you missed that part. There is such a thing as parole and that, in our case, took my husband farther away. I won't likely get to see him for months after years of regular visiting.
So the only thing I can say is that this is one point where being MBI and MWI really does matter. You cannot know what we are going through anymore than we understand what it's like to lose them to prison. I get that you lost something when she went away and that it hurts. But that has no bearing on MWI homecoming experiences.
And the broom closet comment was uncalled for. You know well that there are states with family visiting programs.
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Old 03-09-2020, 03:37 PM
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This space is to share stories of homecoming specific to MWI. While there are challenges all relationships face at the end of a prison sentence, MWI have a unique path to take. Please use this thread to share your joys, fears, struggles, successes and helpful advice for transitioning from incarceration to free world living.

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Old 03-09-2020, 03:42 PM
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I'm just not doing the things a lot of MWIs are doing (like getting married in prison, etc.) and part of that is because of all the stories I've been reading on here those last years among other things. But it's my personal choice. And if this will turn out to be a total failure, well then that's on me I guess.

There must be a lot of thoughts and feelings occupying you now and they probably don't give you the warm fuzzy feeling you'd rather have
I suppose that I've always seen failure much differently ~ so much growth and success comes out of trying and failing. We cannot discover new possibilities unless you have the courage to lose sight of the ones you are already familiar with. Real discoveries, for me, have come from chaos, going to places that look wrong or crazy to others... foolish me??? Not at all!

It's great that your logic works for you, "don't do ___ because I heard ___ or seen ___. I'm a sucker for learning and actually experiencing my true desires, regardless how difficult it may seem.... some see it as a weakness and others as a strength, all I see and care about is the experience, learning and evolving into the best version of myself. I sure hope that if things with your fella don't workout that it's not "felt" or viewed as a negative / failure.

Honestly, it's amazing how rapid the universe bends to you when you live a path of least resistance... feels amazing.



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Old 03-09-2020, 04:09 PM
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[quote=miamac;7812873 I don't eat meals at all because I don't like to cook for myself. I watch Netflix, alone, until I fall asleep. [/QUOTE]

omg, yesterday a friend checked in on me and I replied, "I read half a novel this morning, cleaned house and just ate a snickers for lunch. My daughter is out of town so I've eaten like a real bachelorette; chips, coffee and a freaking snickers"

I've been watching NetFlix, alone, until I fall asleep ever since it came out, lol... It's going to take me a loooong time to adjust living with anyone else again. As long as the desire and willingness to try is given it will work as it should; can last a few months, years or life long... got to be willing to try.

When Jr sent me photos of himself at his first Starbucks with a buddy I was ridiculously chapped, his first mall or film... all the home-cooked meals he's cooking and all I get is an image, indeed I felt bent, but then I remembered how much greater life is for HIM right now and the fact that he's able to share the images or just tell me about everything without being on a timed call it's awesome... hang in there, the feelings are full of so many phases, just got to ride them.
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Old 03-09-2020, 04:22 PM
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When Jr sent me photos of himself at his first Starbucks with a buddy I was ridiculously chapped, his first mall or film... all the home-cooked meals he's cooking and all I get is an image, indeed I felt bent, but then I remembered how much greater life is for HIM right now and the fact that he's able to share the images or just tell me about everything without being on a timed call it's awesome... hang in there, the feelings are full of so many phases, just got to ride them.
Mine went to a concert in the park. They have a gym and a library with a pool table. Meals are served to them at the table. Their laundry is done hotel style-- set out and returned to them. I told him he should probably just stay there. Was I kidding? Sort of. He's going to have yet another adjustment when housekeeping and the cook go away.
I am bitter. Everyone is happy for him and wanting to take him out. I'm here, desperately broke (not his doing) and would LOVE to be treated this way. It's not as if I didn't do the last 8 year's with him. Where is the band and ticker tape for us?
I'm not serious. I don't want a parade, I want my husband. I'm proud of him, i communicate that to him. But he's not the helpless victim I see some paint their recently released our to be. He's pretty darn adept. And the things that do overwhelm him, well it's not like he's alone in it. There are 40 other guys and counselors and support staff to assist him.
I told him the other day that I was glad his side of things meant coming out to oodles of new experiences. But i also asked that he remember nothing has changed for me. He's still gone. Only with the world at his feet.

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Old 03-09-2020, 05:19 PM
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Wow... sounds like preview of coming attractions also for me... Im so sorry that this is so hard on you and I totally get your bitterness. I would feel the same way.
What can I do to help?
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Old 03-09-2020, 10:22 PM
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Wow... sounds like preview of coming attractions also for me... Im so sorry that this is so hard on you and I totally get your bitterness. I would feel the same way.
What can I do to help?
I honestly hope it's not like that for everyone. Lol But from the little feedback I've had from other recently released partners, it's not uncommon.
It feels like the best thing to do right now is be brutally honest about it and not have to defend it. I've decided to be one who openly busts the myth of the perfect post-release life if that should need to happen.
I'm still wildly in love with him, our difficult conversations have moved us forward but by inches, not miles.
As far as support, I think just knowing it's ok to say "this is not that great" and be heard without jumping to the conclusion that red flags were ignored or the love was never genuine would be awesome. The adjustment is HUGE and so are the emotions. It helps to get them out. ❤
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Old 03-10-2020, 01:29 PM
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He's going to have yet another adjustment when housekeeping and the cook go away. * You will both be going through loads of adjustments, on every angle, stuff that's right in front of your face on a daily yet you'll be like WAIT WHAAAT

I am bitter. Everyone is happy for him and wanting to take him out. I'm here, desperately broke (not his doing) and would LOVE to be treated this way. Where is the band and ticker tape for us? *
You're there with him in heart and mind, it's got to pain him that your not right there beside him, even when it seems he is lost in the thick of the fun, he's got you dearly close, trust me


But i also asked that he remember nothing has changed for me. He's still gone. * yepp, this is one of the adjustment periods, many more to come, like when he gets home to live with you... he's coming and it will come quickly, take this time to take advantage of working on house projects, cleaning out the old, making space for the new, learning a receipt, for the fun of it, try not to focus on not having him home, but on the fact that he will be home soon.
Things will constantly shift and feel all over the place until he's able to get into routine - takes a while. Jr finally got into a pretty good one about two weeks ago, it took us not speaking on the phone 1st thing after waking up and at first I couldn't stand not getting a wake up call now we can finally get through an entire day without a phone call ((very much needed sometimes)) our schedules are very different, he cant stay up past 9 and I'm at my second job until 10:30pm sometimes later - I can no longer handle the 4am wake up calls, I need human hours of sleep and I can't be on the phone several times a day at my jobs... so we've finally passed through the emotional shift of not being able to chat as much as we did when he first got out.

Looking forward to hearing about all your shifts
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Old 03-10-2020, 03:57 PM
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Today's struggle is a tech one.

He has a phone but the data plan was limited and he's already gone through the high-speed and is living in throttled land. He's needing to get his student status switched from incarcerated to community student and, of course, he needs to do it and not me because the college has security in place and won't talk to me beyond general info. He also has paperwork he'd like to print out but all of these things require not only data, but decent WiFi. Something his house is sadly lacking.

I cannot spend more on a phone and plan. I'm tapped.
I cannot fix the student status issue.

I can find resources for free WiFi and send him the information to get him started with the college communication. That's what I can do. I know by experience and tone of voice that he wants me to fix it. But I can't.
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Old 03-10-2020, 11:44 PM
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Ooh, okay, so I never "waited" for him, I lived my life with him... everything I've gone through, he's gone through with me mentally / emotionally and vs versa. I met him when I was 20, at 21 I got into a relationship with someone and Jr knew ALL about it, I didn't even go visit Jr until I was 26 a year after the other relationship ended - I married Jr at 29 so from 29 - 33 I was totally loyal. At 33 I got back with my ex and have dated two fellas briefly after that. Since reuniting in June of last year, yes, I was loyal and devoted to working things out, but we're getting a divorce so that Jr has a complete clean slate, there's no knowing if we'll get remarried down the road - all I know is that we love and respect each other, that we have different directions to go into at the moment, but we're still very much connected. BTW I'm 39.

I greatly appreciate questions, not assumptions, so definitively feel free to ask - that goes for anyone.
Ok, so maybe you term it differently, but you still spent all that time going through life with him. That is a long time to do that, any way you look at it. Why didn't you divorce him when you started dating other people? Why'd you marry him in the first place? I don't know if how you met the person thats behind bars matters in this really. There's a point to me though, that you've already been through all kinds of hell, that these challenges after would be something you actually wanted to help with and do it together. I don't make any assumptions. I don't know you, only from what I have read on what you shared with all of us. If I come of like an ass, I do apologize, it was not my intention. I'm just direct, and well, sometimes it comes off that way in written word.
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Old 03-10-2020, 11:59 PM
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Do I? As far as I can tell my bed is still just me, I don't eat meals at all because I don't like to cook for myself. I watch Netflix, alone, until I fall asleep. Much like Moon, out of prison does not mean they are home. Kinda feels like you missed that part. There is such a thing as parole and that, in our case, took my husband farther away. I won't likely get to see him for months after years of regular visiting.
So the only thing I can say is that this is one point where being MBI and MWI really does matter. You cannot know what we are going through anymore than we understand what it's like to lose them to prison. I get that you lost something when she went away and that it hurts. But that has no bearing on MWI homecoming experiences.
And the broom closet comment was uncalled for. You know well that there are states with family visiting programs.
The broom closet was in reference to a television show, although I'd probably triple what was paid at this point. Was the only option for you was to be far apart and not him come to you? I can clearly see you love the hell out of your husband and want him around. I can even see the pain in the words you write in this post and ones further down. One type of hell for another. Nothing either one of you is disappointing to me. I try to put myself in your shoes, and I react in my own way, and then ask you guys about it. If I could process information another way, I'd be happy to do it. You're married, had lots of visiting and waited a long time. We lose who they are when so much time has passed anyways. While our experience differs on how we got to this point, I don't know how much it matters after they are home. My wife will have to adjust to living with me again instead of some celly in a tiny box just like you and yours. We're doing it together though, because after 10 years of being apart, she's insisted she will glue herself to me. I think the difference in yours and mine and moons, is the gender reversal, and not so much MWI/MBI. I really hope what you're going through ends and you get to smash hug and kiss him and just be in the same room. I feel for you and wish for nothing but happiness.
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Old 03-11-2020, 12:41 AM
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Today's struggle is a tech one.

He has a phone but the data plan was limited and he's already gone through the high-speed and is living in throttled land. He's needing to get his student status switched from incarcerated to community student and, of course, he needs to do it and not me because the college has security in place and won't talk to me beyond general info. He also has paperwork he'd like to print out but all of these things require not only data, but decent WiFi. Something his house is sadly lacking.

I cannot spend more on a phone and plan. I'm tapped.
I cannot fix the student status issue.

I can find resources for free WiFi and send him the information to get him started with the college communication. That's what I can do. I know by experience and tone of voice that he wants me to fix it. But I can't.
Jr maxed his cell data in 42 hours had to get him an unlimited plan asap, and the school stuff was OMG a paaaaain - he used his email user and password as his collage log ins and then later asked me what his email password was after locking the collage site do to too many tries and good lawrd I'm at work in between meetings and reports that needed to be done asap, the stress and anxiety was craaaazy that day... feels great to giggle about it now.

Jr learned that collages, churches, libraries, and of course coffee shops have pretty good WiFi - his THU has good WiFi, he just likes being away on his own without the background noise.

Doesn't just amaze you, he out.... like OUT out, wild right
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Old 03-11-2020, 08:23 AM
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When T gets out, he is going to struggle so hard with all the tech advances from when he went in (2008). I sent him a book all about social media and what it is, how to use it properly, what to say and what not to say, how it affects us as a person, etc. I want him to be as prepared as he can be for when he comes out but I know he's gonna struggle.

I've already got a cell phone for him that I'm not using, it's an older iPhone cuz his ass ain't getting something brand new. He was like I'll be happy with a flip phone though and I was like well even those don't work sometimes so you can have my old phone. And with T-Mobile and unlimited data, he'll be solid on that end. I just know he's gonna be so lost.
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Old 03-11-2020, 11:15 AM
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When T gets out, he is going to struggle so hard with all the tech advances from when he went in (2008). I sent him a book all about social media and what it is, how to use it properly, what to say and what not to say, how it affects us as a person, etc. I want him to be as prepared as he can be for when he comes out but I know he's gonna struggle.

I've already got a cell phone for him that I'm not using, it's an older iPhone cuz his ass ain't getting something brand new. He was like I'll be happy with a flip phone though and I was like well even those don't work sometimes so you can have my old phone. And with T-Mobile and unlimited data, he'll be solid on that end. I just know he's gonna be so lost.
My guy has been in since fall of 1993... they still had answering machines...
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