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Lily Blaise · #1 08-19-2012, 12:47 AM

Recently my MWI love was targeted by COs in an act of public ridicule. For their own amusement they sought to humiliate him over the PA system. It was also unbeknown to him that the conversation was audible to the rest of the prison population.

The COs actions were aimed at emasculating my babes on the basis of a possession he owned that did not fit with his 'tough exterior'. What they did was a complete misuse of authority and certainly under no circumstance could such conduct be warranted by corrections. In fact, the actions of the COs were in complete opposition to the goal of 'corrections' in that they shamed positive behaviour and reinforced the antisocial prison culture...

This produced an antagonistic environment for my babes, as inmates continued the ridicule the COs had started. My babes is now in the hole. I don't know why and so I'm not sure if being in the hole is related to the ridicule he received.

I live overseas and so when my babes is in the hole it is devastating for us because we become so disconnected without phone calls, as it takes a month to receive a reply to a letter and obviously it's not easy to visit. I don't know how he is and I'm worried about him

In my despair over the situation I decided to report the conduct of the COs in the hope that if it is related to why he is in the hole, then it may be helpful to him in some way (I have not had a response yet). However, I also worry that intervening could also somehow have the undesired effect of possibly making his life harder. I don't know... and I'm concerned that perhaps it wasn't the best decision, especially if him being in the hole is unrelated to what happened to him. But, he has said to me previously that he appreciates me looking out for him

I suppose I'm sharing this with you because I'm struggling with my babes being in the hole and I'm just wondering what you do when this happens.

Do you intervene and try to help your love when he is in trouble?
Do you think it is wise to do so?
Or is it better just to let things unfold of their own accord?
How do other MWI girls who live overseas cope with their love being in the hole when you can't visit and letters take so long to arrive?...

LB x

**Patty** · #2 08-19-2012, 12:59 AM

I'm not overseas nor did we face circumstances such as the ones you describe during the MWI phase of our relationship. Having said that, I will tell you that generally it is unwise to try to intervene because to be blunt - it can end up provoking staff futher, make your man look like a punk or both.

For this reason and many others communication is key. Discussing the possibilities in advance will help one to proceed with confidence, in the event it becomes necessary. Beyond that, the situation you describe is not one I would deem worthy of the intervention. I know that sounds harsh to you because you are worried but the truth is with prison life, like most everything else, one must know when to choose their battles. Best of luck to you both.

Lily Blaise · #3 08-19-2012, 01:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Patty

I'm not overseas nor did we face circumstances such as the ones you describe during the MWI phase of our relationship. Having said that, I will tell you that generally it is unwise to try to intervene because to be blunt - it can end up provoking staff futher, make your man look like a punk or both.

For this reason and many others communication is key. Discussing the possibilities in advance will help one to proceed with confidence, in the event it becomes necessary. Beyond that, the situation you describe is not one I would deem worthy of the intervention. I know that sounds harsh to you because you are worried but the truth is with prison life, like most everything else, one must know when to choose their battles. Best of luck to you both.

Thanks Patty, yes that is what I was worried about. I'm lacking in experience to know what battles to fight! We have good communication, but prison life is unpredictable and neither of us anticipated this. He has been doing really well lately. But, when we're next able to talk, I will raise this with him, so as you say, if there is a next time I can proceed with greater confidence.

I think what is really hard is that when problems such as these arise, I want so much to talk things over with him, but we can't. I often feel alone making decisions and it's a challenge for me to accept that inaction is possibly better than action! Especially, when I feel helpless and like I can't do anything to support him. I really hope that I haven't made things harder for him...

Willove · #4 08-19-2012, 01:59 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lily Blaise

Do you intervene and try to help your love when he is in trouble?
Do you think it is wise to do so?
Or is it better just to let things unfold of their own accord?
How do other MWI girls who live overseas cope with their love being in the hole when you can't visit and letters take so long to arrive?...

No, for some reasons you mentioned I wouldn't intervene in that case. I think it would harm him even more. I'm overseas, too; if I'm concerned about his well-being I contact a friend that's at his place, or I can contact his attorney at the worst.

Good luck for you both!

mallafri · #5 08-19-2012, 03:37 AM

My BF don't really get into trouble, he's at a "good" prison with normal COs and he's good in dealing with situations so he's never been to the hole for as long as we've been together. But like Patty said, it's always good to plan ahead! E.g my BF has signed a release form for me so I can call the prison and get information about him, like if he'd ever end up in the hole, I can call and find out the reason. We've also discussed how he wants me to proceed in that and many other situations.
I can understand why you wrote the prison, obviously you were worried and upset but you don't know the reason he's in the hole or how you contacting them will now affect him. That's why it's so important to discuss situations before hand! The letter is sent, nothing you can do about that now but once he's out of the hole, take the time to discuss how to proceed in the future! My BF and I have plans for anything from him being on lockdown to me being in an accident and how to proceed if one of us dies or is laying like a vegetable in the hospital! Everyone should have those discussions! I hope everything works out for the two of you and that he gets out of the hole soon!

Psychocandy · #6 08-19-2012, 04:22 AM

Richie stays out of trouble. I doubt very much my intervention would help matters if he did though. I also think if your guy is already being taunted by CO's the letter from the 'little woman' wont go down very well do you?

Lily Blaise · #7 08-19-2012, 04:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by mallafri

My BF don't really get into trouble, he's at a "good" prison with normal COs and he's good in dealing with situations so he's never been to the hole for as long as we've been together. But like Patty said, it's always good to plan ahead! E.g my BF has signed a release form for me so I can call the prison and get information about him, like if he'd ever end up in the hole, I can call and find out the reason. We've also discussed how he wants me to proceed in that and many other situations.
I can understand why you wrote the prison, obviously you were worried and upset but you don't know the reason he's in the hole or how you contacting them will now affect him. That's why it's so important to discuss situations before hand! The letter is sent, nothing you can do about that now but once he's out of the hole, take the time to discuss how to proceed in the future! My BF and I have plans for anything from him being on lockdown to me being in an accident and how to proceed if one of us dies or is laying like a vegetable in the hospital! Everyone should have those discussions! I hope everything works out for the two of you and that he gets out of the hole soon!

Thanks Mallafri. I'm happy to hear that your BF doesn't have those kinds of troubles

In an attempt to deal with such difficulties my babes did sign a release of information to allow me to get information. However, when I inquired about him, I was told that they would not release any information to me until he had a hearing, which would not be for a couple of weeks. I suppose what I was thinking at the time is that perhaps the letter may affect the outcome (for the better, I was hoping!). But, now in retrospect I'm thinking perhaps that was a misconception... That's really great that you have had so many important discussions with your BF and derived plans for adverse events. As soon as I can talk to my babes again I think we'll be developing some contingency plans of our own!!

Lily Blaise · #8 08-19-2012, 04:36 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Psychocandy

Richie stays out of trouble. I doubt very much my intervention would help matters if he did though. I also think if your guy is already being taunted by CO's the letter from the 'little woman' wont go down very well do you?

I was probably being idealistic in my hopes and I acted out of frustration. I understand what you're saying and tend to agree with you

Lily Blaise · #9 08-19-2012, 04:38 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Willove

No, for some reasons you mentioned I wouldn't intervene in that case. I think it would harm him even more. I'm overseas, too; if I'm concerned about his well-being I contact a friend that's at his place, or I can contact his attorney at the worst.

Good luck for you both!

Thank you, that's great that you have people around you that you can contact when you're concerned

kaypilky · #10 08-19-2012, 05:08 AM

My husband is in USA and im in England. no i dont generally intervene if he's in touble, although i do complain and write to warden and stuff like that - but he likes me doing that cos he's a right complainer, the C.O.s hate him cos he's always there whinging. i just leave him to it

Lily Blaise · #11 08-19-2012, 05:13 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kaypilky

My husband is in USA and im in England. no i dont generally intervene if he's in touble, although i do complain and write to warden and stuff like that - but he likes me doing that cos he's a right complainer, the C.O.s hate him cos he's always there whinging. i just leave him to it

Thanks Kaypilky, it's reassuring to hear that others also write to the prison in support of their loved one when they have a grievance.

kaypilky · #12 08-19-2012, 05:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lily Blaise

Thanks Kaypilky, it's reassuring to hear that others also write to the prison in support of their loved one when they have a grievance.

oh yes he likes to stand up for his rights - although it usually does no good at all, but makes him feel better knowing he's tried ...

StayShort · #13 08-19-2012, 08:10 PM

I understand your frustration as I have heard stories that make me want to go slap some of these CO's (not just from my fiancé but best friend in my home state). I just think that if it was something like he was being beat, starved, or something like that then maybe just maybe I would say something but them doing things like that happens a lot. And it can get around where he's at and make things a lot worse. My bubs says he has to fight his own battles. Now if your LO told you that it was ok if something happens then thats different. I would just ask him how he feels about it and go from there for now on. You did what you felt was right and that was very caring of you.

Lily Blaise · #14 08-19-2012, 08:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by StayShort

I understand your frustration as I have heard stories that make me want to go slap some of these CO's (not just from my fiancé but best friend in my home state). I just think that if it was something like he was being beat, starved, or something like that then maybe just maybe I would say something but them doing things like that happens a lot. And it can get around where he's at and make things a lot worse. My bubs says he has to fight his own battles. Now if your LO told you that it was ok if something happens then thats different. I would just ask him how he feels about it and go from there for now on. You did what you felt was right and that was very caring of you.

Thanks StayShort for your understanding and kind words. Knowing my babes, I think he'll be ok with it, as I've actually told him at times not to voice his frustrations in case it aggravates a situation. I should have taken my own advice!.. But, it greatly saddens me what is considered 'tolerable' in there and that there is a certain level of acceptance about it. I'm sorry that you have had to experience such frustration too.

Temeron0926 · #15 08-20-2012, 03:34 AM

I only live about 5 miles from my husbands facility, but even when he was over 1200 miles away I did not intervene in anything that was happening in his facility. As hard as it is, you need to step back and let him handle his own business. I know how hard this is, trust me, but it is what has to be done. You can't "help" him by trying to do something, it will only make it worse. My husband has to deal with his own trouble inside by himself. Him just KNOWING I would help if I could makes him feel better, but he knows I have no power to do anything of the sort.

I hope things work out for him.

SexyChef1 · #16 08-20-2012, 02:37 PM

No maam! I learned with an ex not to even attempt it, bcause I became the target as well my every move was watched during visits to the point I was kicked out once for showing my shoe.

HardHeadedWoman · #17 08-20-2012, 02:51 PM

I wouldnt interfere. he knows prison life way more than I do since he has to live it. he can handle his own issues inside or outside of the razor wire. he does have my support with whichever way he decides to handle his situation, unless its not in his best interest then we will discuss other options for him and once again I support hid decision

bumblebee37 · #18 08-20-2012, 03:00 PM

I use to try to intervene in the beginning...it was really hard lessons for my son and myself.

lil peep · #19 08-20-2012, 03:06 PM

I don't try to intervene at all. I've called a few times over the last three years when I became worried cause I didn't hear from him for three days. Two of those were gut feelings and I was right that something was wrong, but I still can't do anything about him getting in trouble. He knows how to do his time and how to take care of himself as well as the way things work. I also know some of how things work and wouldn't try to intervene unless he asked me specifically to do something. If he's asking me, then I know he's at the point where it's really serious and he doesn't care who's he's pissing off. It's hard to sit back and watch, but usually that's the best course of action.

BLoved · #20 08-20-2012, 03:53 PM

In general the deal is he deals with stuff back there, and I handle life on this side of the razor wire.
Every now and then though I will speak up on his behalf or even file an official complaint. But that only happened twice in the past 5 years, and on both those occasions the situation really called for it. You cannot whine and whinge all the time, but at the same time you cannot let them get away with everything either. At times they have to stand up for themselves and then it is helpful if they have someone on their side supporting that issue. Just like said above; pick your battles.

I too am overseas and I know being so far away can add to feeling helpless in these situations. My guess is you are rather new to this, and therefor not very familiar with what his life is like back there. Talk, talk and talk some more to him. Ask lots of questions too, ask him what he expects of you in certain situations, and you make clear what you can do and what not.
Don't forget that when he is in the hole, just beefing up on your writing, sending him stuff to help him pass time, that is also showing your support.

Good luck!

rainweaver2002 · #21 08-20-2012, 04:00 PM

Like many others, I don't intervene and I wouldn't unless he asked me to. He knows the system much better than I do and I won't do anything that could make things worse for him. He knows I'll help him in any way I can and I support him no matter what and imo, that's all that matters.

I hope everything works out for you both.

Lily Blaise · #22 08-21-2012, 05:49 AM

Lately, what I'm learning about myself is that I'm prone to believing that something is far worse than what it probably is. My babes is in the hole for something that I think is quite minor and also that is unrelated to the conduct I reported to the prison... and no surprise that the prison squashed the report I made. I just hope my actions don't come back to cause problems for him/us later. From gauging the responses to this post, it seems there is a resounding consensus that making an effort to intervene (although done with best intentions) is actually more counterproductive and potentially harmful not only to your man, but also to yourself, as you may become a target too. SexyChef, getting kicked out for showing your shoe in a visit is just absurd!! A part of me is sad, horrified and outraged by how the power imbalance can re-define what is considered acceptable, especially when ordinarily (and in the community) such things would not be tolerated. Thank you for sharing your views with me, I've appreciated learning from your insight and experiences. The message has been received!!

I'll always support my man, but I'll leave it to him to handle his affairs in there.

Britrdazahead13 · #23 08-21-2012, 06:49 AM

The only time I intervene is when he tells me to do so. Otherwise he handles everything that is going on and many times I will not even know there is a situation. He is a long timer and he is respected by his peers and CO's. They know they don't want to mess with him.

tyreens_wifey79 · #24 08-21-2012, 09:25 PM

I would let him handle his own business. If you intervene in whatever happen, then its only going to make it worse for him in there. I would just wait to hear from him. I know its hard but its in the best interest for him.

MissVal1920 · #25 08-22-2012, 09:56 AM

When it comes to his business in there, No. However the only times I have had to intervene was when it has to do with getting answers regarding a medical issue, or some basic administrative issue that he can't get anywhere with. but when it comes to inmates, CO's, disciplinary action or other security matters, hell to the no.