3:51 AM California time

[CDCsMom]

Hi, everyone. It's been a long time since I visited this forum. I am the mother of a California inmate; my son was arrested almost two years ago on rape charges instituted by his then-live-in girlfriend (long story for another day). Long story short - about me, I have not posted here because I have felt embarrassed and awkward about his charges and the label "sexual offender". I have been reading and posting in the LASO forums. I am beaten down by the backlash against offenders of this type and did not want to deal with hearing about how victims can't heal and offenders like my son are incorrigible, etc., so I avoid posting in Parents With Children. Comments like that are not permitted in LASO, so it feels safe.

Tonight, I can't sleep and am in a great deal of pain, so I came to the Parents With Children forum to read about how others have dealt with their difficulties. I was relieved to see that several others have posted here safely about their childrens' charges of a sexual nature ... so I can get that elephant out of my living room!

My son was first arrested when he was 15. He and several other boys were all charged based on sexual behavior they had been engaging in, and all were charged as each others' victims, and as perpetrators. At the time, I knew nothing about the legal system and CDC had never been arrested or had any contact with it before. In our ignorance, terror and shame, we agreed to accept a plea agreement, not knowing its repercussions later on. After serving time at a CA youth facility (along with the other victim/perpetrators), my son was released and about a year and a half later, started a relationship with the woman who later accused him of assaulting her. So, when she called the police and they saw he had a previous sexual offense, they had a field day. Long story short again, this new set of charges netted him another 8 years out of his life.

All this time, I've been there for him. Since his second arrest in fall, 2010, CDC's father has gone ghost somewhere in Nebraska and does not return calls or letters from his son. Three of his grandparents have died, most recently my Mom in April. I've visited numerous facilities, seen some parts of California I hope I never see again, and had my appearance and clothing evaluated by countless correctional officers. I have stood by this boy xxx man through thick and thin, as moms/parents do, and as I have read so many stories of on this forum.

CDC is now at a great place, Mule Creek State Prison. It is the jewel in the crown of CA's prison system. He's been there since January of this year and for the first time in two years, in January when I visited, I got to see him behind glass and give him a hug. Mule Creek is at the other end of CA from where I live so I have been visiting once a month. My son has plans for college, for learning a trade, for using his time wisely. He is not gang affiliated and to my knowledge does not use drugs, though damn it, he did get a prison tat...

I didn't get a mother's day card. That was odd, because I always have. My birthday is at the end of May, also no card. No phone call, either. But I did get a call from another inmate reminding me that CDC really needed the stuff I sent in his quarterly inmate package, that had not arrived. CDC later explained he didn't call because he had lost his phone privilege for a couple of weeks, no details on why and I didn't force it. The last thing we talked about on the phone was that the prison was doing an annual review of all inmates, to determine who would be going elsewhere and who would be staying. Of course, this struck fear in my heart since it is SUCH a great place, even if it is 1200 miles away.

We have a scheduled call time, 745 on Sunday. I haven't gotten a call, or a letter, for several weeks now. I visited last weekend and CDC said that the phones at MCSP had been flaky and that he had written a letter, but it must have gotten lost in the mail. We agreed he'd call last night, at 745.

Whew. End of long post, almost. No one to talk to and numerous thoughts in my head... No call last night. So now it's 423 AM CA time, I can't sleep, and I don't know what to do. I tell myself, whatever is going on with him, I can not control it or him. I didn't cause it, I can't cure it, and I can just pray for him. On the other hand, it hurts like hell to be treated this way, and I am bewildered at why he has stopped writing and calling with no explanation. I was so worried I called the prison before the visit to make sure he was okay and they were not on lockdown.

There. I said it. I have been carrying this around inside of me feeling like, well, you know .. for a while now, and it is good to let it out. So many strong emotions are at war inside of me, and the Supreme Court has decided to hold session in my head. Anyone know that feeling? I'm angry, scared, hurt, resentful, worried, upset, dismayed, apprehensive, fearful, disappointed, concerned, you name it. I'm scheduled to visit again the first weekend in August, and am thinking about cancelling my plans. It does not seem that asking about what's going on or the lack of contact gets me anything other than stonewalling, so maybe I should just wait it out. On the other hand, no one else in my family, and only one friend, are in touch with CDC and I feel that we are his lifeline and reality check, and hate to cut him off when he has already lost contact with others who can't handle the whole arrest thing.

Thank you...thank you for listening and for caring. I feel very alone and lonely. I don't know what I am going to do but I do feel better just having written it all down and feeling that others out there can relate and understand. Has anyone been in a similar situation, cut off by your incarcerated child? Yep, that's what it feels like. How have you dealt with it? Anyone have extra prayers/good energy to send my way? I could sure use it right about now.

[Nieves915]

I am really sorry for your pain at thsi time. I am also sorry that you were subjected to some bad comments, he is your baby and regardless of anything he is in there for you love him... I dont know anything about the prison where your son is but i would think that you could call and talk to the chaplain and see if he can tell you how he is doing... I hope someone who is more knowledgeable comes along to help you, in the mean time my prayers are with you and your son.....

[1bird2]

Welcome to the PWCIP family....glad you came to us...it is safe here...it is. We are here to support each other...and we do not judge. I see that you have been a member for a long time...I don't know what found here back then...but I PROMISE you...you are safe from judgement here today. We all have the common bond that comes with the incarceration of a child....and all the emotions and struggles that are unique to all this entails. You will find a broad range of advise...but ALWAYS SUPPORT!
I know that we have all had those 3:51am times that we could not sleep...or stop the whirlwinds of fragmented thoughts blowing through our minds...all the questions without answers...and the isolation. YOU ARE NOT ALONE....you are family and we welcome you!
I am thankful that your son is in a "good" prison right now...and I pray that he can remain there! (Mine just landed in a "good prison" too!). I am one of those who will most always encourage you to write him....even when you don't receive letters....and visit whenever possible! I've never been one to back off. I do understand the pain and confusion of not hearing from them...I HATE THAT!
I hope you do get word from him TODAY!!!
Please come in and share whatever you want....whenever you want. You will find love, encouragement, understanding, lots of varied advise, prayers, and HOPE!!! I am BIG on HOPE!!! We will cry when you cry, and laugh with you too! We celebrate and mourn almost daily here. It is safe here....and I'm thankful you are here with us.
I'll be praying that you get that call...TODAY!!!
Come on in, share whatever you are comfortable with...and we'll lean on each other as me make our way on this journey.
Love and prayers,
XXOO

[JuliannRN]

I too have a son who is a sex offender.. In fact while he was going through his first trial a new charge came up. So now he is a two time offender. No sentencing on the new one yet we are fighting it as I know this girl is full of it.
BUT thats another story for another time.
I like you was embarrassed and humiliated that he was facing these accusations. I cried and still cry every day. But these people here on this site let me know one thing.. ITS OK!! Its going to be OK and with their help we can all get through this!!!

[4ever love]

CDC's mom: Keep writing him. As I was reading your post certain things popped up.

Like the other inmate calling to remind you he needs certain things in his package? Then I bounce back to your paragraph about both his charges. Then my mind says, Is this other inmate bullying him? Is he having to give up his commissary (hence no cards) to stay safe in there? Then my mind wonders to why he has shut down? What's really going on in there? Why is he losing privileges?

I believe your mom instincts are hitting overdrive for a good reason. I don't think it has anything to do with you.... Just not in your shoes to figure it out all.

[4ever love]

I was going to switch up "bullying", to manipulative negotiations because I think that's a better description of what I was trying to convey.

[tglsmom]

I'm glad you came back here, CDCsMom. I am surprised and saddened to hear that you had negative feedback on this forum. I have found that everyone on here has different stories to tell, but I've never heard anyone express anything but understanding, support, and encouragement. We really don't judge anyone, regardless of why their kids are incarcerated. I'm sorry that I don't have any answers as to why you haven't heard from your son, but I have found that when I don't hear anything for a while, my mind leads me to the worse case scenario. It makes me crazy, but every single time I find out that my fears were unfounded. He couldn't get to the phone, he didn't have stamps or he just plain didn't have much to write about. Try not to worry. I hope you'll hear something good soon!

[wickit]

Thank you for joining us!!
If you ever have a problem anywhere on this site regarding posts that you feel are inappropriate please report it, we are here to help!

[bluebella]

Sorry for all this CD!!! I know what you mean about writing it down and sharing with others, it does help. Think good thoughts!!! It is a fight in my head also, I've gotten better have MUCH pratice!! Good to hear from you again!! Check back, I want to know how your doing!!!

[bumblebee37]

That's a long time to be holding in all those feelings. ((Hugs)) bb

[KazInCdn]

I have not formally introduced myself to this group but have been lurking for some time now for the same reason you mentioned. My son has also pleaded guilty to a sex offense (though he maintains his innocence. Lawyer said he cant win at trial so take a plea). I agree with 4everlove....there is something going on with him. Keep writing him, he will come around soon I'm sure. He sounds like a good kid and you have to believe that his upbringing will see him through. My prayers are with you and your son as they are for all the parents in this community.

Keep posting here, we want to hear what is happening with you and your son.

Kaz

[deedeeortiz]

I'm so sorry for what your going through. My son has contacted me in 2 letters since April, after being sentenced to 50-life. He spend a month in a hospital and did not sign a release for me to get any info. I've been feeling all those same feelings you have. Somedays I wake up and can't hardly breath over the worry & stress of it all. I have found some comfort here. Just knowing other parents understand how I'm feeling. Coming here and writing when I've been so lost has helped me so much. I pray for you & your son. God Bless

[CDCsMom]

Thank you all for your uniformly kind and generous messages of support! It is uplifting, empowering and reassuring to hear such nice things from other people. I don't know what the deal is with my son, obviously. I will continue to write, as some have suggested, but I find it hard to put on a happy face and pretend everything is fine, when I really want to ask ... what the $%*&%! is going on! I know that he is taking various medications, and tells me he is trying to get a college education going, but it seems that - when I sit back and review it - the stories change every month. Oh, well, I am going to continue to practice my "hanging in " skills. Thanks again.

[asmom]

CDC'sMom, welcome to the family... I'm glad you feel comfortable to share and "unload"... We are here to listen and lend support in any way we can. I can relate to your feelings of "being cut off" by your child because I've gone through the same "emotional roller coaster". My son has in the past requested that I didn't write so much or he would not call because he said it made it harder for him to deal with the isolation that he has to learn to deal with. It's heartbreaking and I was just as confused as you are.... I think your son knows that you're there for him, he just can't bring himself to deal with the separation so he has to "detach" himself to somehow deal with it. I think that's how it was for my son. I'm sending you lots of hugs and prayers. Hang in there, keep doing what you're doing, I'm sure he will come around. He might not tell you but I'm sure he's grateful for your support. Take care and God bless.

[MickiDee]

Hang in there CDCs Mom! We're here for ya always. My son is also a sex offender and is doing 7-20. He originally was up against 3 life sentences and ended up with the 7-20. Funny think tho, he contacts me so much I've actually had to ask him to slow it down. Someone is making a fortune off the charge of those phone calls. Maybe you and your son can set a time every week for him to call?

[CDCsMom]

well, I have been vacillating between fear and resentment. Fear cause we have our regularly scheduled 745 Sunday calls, and they have not come for probably 5 weeks. Resentment cause ...well, that's how I handle fear, I guess. I did get a letter, it didn't say much other than "here's the stuff I want for my next quarterly package, thank you''. Rather than forcing the issue with a visit, with your help and strength, I will just sit here in this uncomfortable fear/resentment space...

Fellow mothers of SOs, do you belong to or know of any other support groups? I know of one or two in CA, wondering about other states since you seem to be all over. Are you in the LASO forums here?

thanks gracias obrigado arigato shukran and I can't think of anymore ways to say I appreciate your presence and support.

[CDCsMom]

well, I got my call Sunday evening (was not able to answer it and did not expect it after 5 weeks of no call), and on Monday morning, and got to talk to CDC on Monday. He said we had talked about the lack of phone calls/letters at our visit (we didn't), so moving forward he'll call on Sundays at 745 as we used to do. Very strange little patch there, but I'm glad we are through it. GREAT news - he was accepted into Ohio University's Program for the Incarcerated and will be getting an AA in business/finance. Got the approval from Mule Creek last week.

[tglsmom]

That great news that he finally called. I'm sure you're feeling some relief and looking forward to those Sunday calls again. That's also great news that he has been approved for college classes. Did it take him long to get approved? It took my son over a year to be approved to take only one class in the fall. For a while there, it didn't look like they were going to even give him that! But, anyway, I'm very happy for your son. It looks like he is going to be very busy soon - good for him!

[1bird2]

YAHHHOOO!!! I'm really relieved that you got the call!!! It really REALLY helps! AND....and big WOW to the college classes!!! That is GREAT NEWS....I'm thrilled that he won't be wasting the time he's serving!!! Congrats to him!
I think all of us have had those conversations (or lack of!)...that have left us thinking, "who did you say that to....it sure wasn't me!", or "I told you that!" ????
Anyway, I'm glad you are both in sinc now!
Love and prayers....for timely phone calls!
XXOO

[loveyamom]

so glad your son called and he is getting into the Ohio State program, my kid was just accepted too... suggestion, I have told my son if he does not want to talk that I need to know he is okay, so I tell him to ring the phone and hang (I can tell it's him by the caller ID) and hang up... it lets me know he's okay but does not want to talk, but since we chat just about every night it's very rare that I get the I'M OK ring... oh and then there is no charge for that call if you never accept it!!!

[CDCsMom]

yeah, I'm doing the happy dance. Tgjsmom, it took several months to get approved, and I had to write a letter to the Education Director following up and pushing it. 1bird, for sure, it is good to know I'm not the only one thinking "I did NOT say such a thing, but I'm not going to get caught up in the little stuff.". And loveyamom, thanks for the great suggestion; I will pass it on. I like that, it takes the pressure of him to have to chat if he may not want to, but keeps me informed that he's out there, and he's okay. As we all know, it's hard for us moms when we know our boys are in a place which may not be a good one, and where bad things sometimes happen, but we can't reach out and call them or drop by and visit. So again, thanks all for your comments, and for making me feel part of the group.

[Bamagirl49]

Welcome to our group my son got rso last year 20 years 20 probation and rso for life what's left of it still angry about it and they want him to pay restitution of 20.000
I think their all crazy
I talk to my son who has to serve state first which runs concurrent with Feds next year november he will be transferred again to Feds
He calls right now 2-3 weekly which is good if you ladies want to talk pm me I'm glad we are not alone and yes I stick my head into laso forums every once in a while
Hang in there I can't visit he is to far away hoping for one time before he gets shipped off somewhere
Hugs to all