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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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  #1  
Old 12-20-2018, 02:42 AM
MurMur MurMur is offline
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Default It's over. But we're still talking as friends.

Hello.
It's been awhile since I've posted so I thought I would share an update. It's over. But it's ok. 2 months ago he ended it by blocking me from communication via tablet messages (telmate) after I blew up at him while I was having a hard time. Going through some life changes. I was a MWI. I wrote a letter to apologise for my inmaturity and told him that we shouldn't give up on each other when we going gets tough. I didn't send a hateful or blaming letter. Just apologized for my part. I Gave him a week to either unblock me or write me back. It never happened so I deleted my account and suspended it and blocked him from calling me. I swallowed the bitter pill felt the pain cried and then moved on with my life. During this time my best friends baby dad. Told her a bunch of things like the fact that my now ex had been talking to 5 different women and he still had a girlfriend he used me for my money etc. Now. I believed what he said I really did cause why did he leave so suddenly. However. This guy isn't the best person to believe. He also was really jealous of my ex because he thought my ex was talking to his baby mom my best friend.

My ex and I would literally talk everyday and everytime he got yard and then use the tablet to talk to me as much as he possibly could. Now I never put money on his books only on my account to talk to him. So he didn't use me for money. He never even asked me. As for the girlfriend my son and his daughter know each other and the daughter said they had been broken up for a year or more. She wouldn't lie as her and her dad are kinda not getting along.

Fast forward 2 months to the day. I get a call from county. From him. He got transferred from prison for a court date. Well that phone isn't blocked. I obviously couldn't call back to give him an earful. So I reactivated my account. Sent him a message which said don't call my fucking phone leave me alone and never contact me again. Go talk to your girlfriend or the other bitches your talking to. Yes. Excuse my language. To which he replied. Hi. What girlfriend or other bitches? He told me he started talking to a girl shortly after me and it didn't work out. She was 23 and he is 37. Just wasn't his thing.

Conversation has bee going on 10 days and he literally got his balls handed to him. I literally wrote books to him cussing him out. I really kept talking to him to see if it would make me feel better. It did and he was very receptive and didn't come back at me in any way negative. So now. We both agreed that things went way to fast. We both enjoyed it. But we didn't take the time to get to know each other and kinda just dived head first into it. It was really great. Then it ended. Now he wants us to be friends and see if we can get to know each other better and possibly work things out when he gets out. But the thing is. It doesn't feel the same. I miss him. A lot. But I don't know if I can trust what he says even though he never gave me a reason not to trust him. He told me that it's on me to trust him. I put boundaries up and told him we couldn't talk everyday. Even though we do. He respects them and says that if there is a message he's just not going to ignore them and he says he doesn't use the tablet that often he only logs in maybe once a day and it's usually at night. But he seems distracted and isn't holding a conversation with me which I get annoyed at cause he will reply every 10-15 mins. Now I don't want to over think or even over feel. We both agreed to take it really really slow. He said he is short timing and he is being reclusive because he only has a little time left. His pictures show he's gained a lot of weight. One that specifically has a caption of "single" But im feeling well. Lonely without how we used to be. But I know we need to have this time and he literally only has 90 days left. I'm chaulking it up to be this time of the year and well you just want to feel loved and needed. But I also don't want to be hurt anymore. So confusing.

Anyway there is my update. Thanks for reading.
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Old 12-20-2018, 02:45 AM
MurMur MurMur is offline
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I also wanted to add that he didn't realize that by blocking me that I couldn't send him messages. He just thought that it meant he didn't have to see them. He did try and unblock me multiple times to see if I wrote him and then reached out through his sister to contact me also. But it had already been about a month later. I told her to tell him to leave me alone and to not contact me.
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Old 12-20-2018, 06:55 AM
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Well it sounds like you are a little confused.
I'd take the time to really sort thru how you feel.
I know if I was sure I was done, I would keep the block on.
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Old 12-20-2018, 07:30 AM
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Stop talking!!! If it's over, it's over and done. He doesn't really have the personality and character you want to keep close in your life.
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Old 12-20-2018, 12:44 PM
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There's so much going on in this message.


So you wrote him and gave him a week to unblock you.


A month later his sister reaches out on his behalf.


First off, how do you know how quickly he got the mail?


Secondly, if you really wanted to speak to him, why drag that out?

There's just...there's way too much going on.


This just sounds like a complicated reunion.

Either you need to accept that he is who he is and let the relationship progress the way it's meant to progress without further criticism, or let it go. Because I'm stressed just reading this.


It doesn't sound to me like your boundaries are consistent or that you hold them well.


Loneliness is a terrible reason to resume contact if that's your motivation. That's how he can prey on you if that's his intention.


I would advise you to seek out a counselor or a peer support group or SOMETHING beyond just PTO, some sort of in-person face-to-face interaction. There is only so much support we can offer as an online chat community. And I'm not saying you SHOULDN'T use PTO. But. I am saying you might need more than just this to gain some perspective....not so much into your relationship with him but into yourself.


I do wish you well, please don't take what I'm saying to mean anything sinister or to think that I think poorly of you at all. It's just...your post is so scattered in some regards and goes through this entire range of emotions. All of which YOU are suffering from.


Meanwhile, the impression I get is that he's just sitting in jail or prison, biding his time and doing what he wants, when he wants.


Good luck to you.


-Eric
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Old 12-20-2018, 01:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sidewalker View Post
Well it sounds like you are a little confused.
I'd take the time to really sort thru how you feel.
I know if I was sure I was done, I would keep the block on.
I am not done though. I do need to sort through how I feel I still love him very much. I just have a lot going on and I just don't know how to just be his friend as if there wasn't something so great between us. I definitely know that it's completely necessary to continue how we are right now then to jump back into those feelings. I also have a lot going on in life that is adding stress to the situation.
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Old 12-20-2018, 01:32 PM
MurMur MurMur is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nimuay View Post
Stop talking!!! If it's over, it's over and done. He doesn't really have the personality and character you want to keep close in your life.
He was the one to reach out and then apologized for his part in the break up. Saying he was inmature to block me and that he didn't know what he would have caused by doing so.
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Old 12-20-2018, 01:51 PM
MurMur MurMur is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by missingdee View Post
There's so much going on in this message.


So you wrote him and gave him a week to unblock you.


A month later his sister reaches out on his behalf.


First off, how do you know how quickly he got the mail?


Secondly, if you really wanted to speak to him, why drag that out?

There's just...there's way too much going on.


This just sounds like a complicated reunion.

Either you need to accept that he is who he is and let the relationship progress the way it's meant to progress without further criticism, or let it go. Because I'm stressed just reading this.


It doesn't sound to me like your boundaries are consistent or that you hold them well.


Loneliness is a terrible reason to resume contact if that's your motivation. That's how he can prey on you if that's his intention.


I would advise you to seek out a counselor or a peer support group or SOMETHING beyond just PTO, some sort of in-person face-to-face interaction. There is only so much support we can offer as an online chat community. And I'm not saying you SHOULDN'T use PTO. But. I am saying you might need more than just this to gain some perspective....not so much into your relationship with him but into yourself.


I do wish you well, please don't take what I'm saying to mean anything sinister or to think that I think poorly of you at all. It's just...your post is so scattered in some regards and goes through this entire range of emotions. All of which YOU are suffering from.


Meanwhile, the impression I get is that he's just sitting in jail or prison, biding his time and doing what he wants, when he wants.


Good luck to you.


-Eric

I know it was all over the place just got home from work and I couldn't sleep. He has always got his mail within 3 days always unless it's the weekend. I didn't drag it out. He reached out to me because I had blocked my account and the phone number so he had his sister text me I told her to tell him that I was done to not have him contact me anymore.
I'm not criticizing him anymore. More myself at this point. I got out everything I needed to say to him. He was receptive and gave me his feedback.

I have reached out and have a lot of support I posted on here because the experience in this group with what I am going through. Not a lot of people understand and they are quick to judge being that he is in prison.


And your end comment is exactly what is going on in my head. That is the reason I feel the way I feel because he ultimately holds the power with our communication and Waiting this out. Everything is on his time. Everything. Those walls used to not affect me this much and I told him about all this. He said that he doesn't have any motive but to come to a place that when he is out we can be chill and get to know each other outside because you truly can't form that deep of a connection with someone until your outside and in each other's life. He said I taught him that. He also told me that he is afraid of telling me how he is feeling because he thinks I will try and pay him back and use them to hurt him. Which he should know that I am not that type of person.

So my big conclusion talking to him again. Is that we truly honestly don't know each other. What I never knew annoyed me about him annoys me now. We both now see parts of our character that we didn't see before and it's not a bad thing.


I apologise I'm a hot mess. But thank you. I wouldn't think bad about what anyone's says on here it brings fresh perspective.
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Old 12-20-2018, 10:26 PM
Anna7 Anna7 is offline
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It seems to me what you had with him has gotten completely taken over by blowups and misunderstandings, on both sides. Communicating with an inmate is hard enough without this sort of drama going on. As you were MWI I’m wondering how long you’ve known each other. If this was a relationship of short duration I’d say at this point to just let the prison relationship go, and maybe once he’s out you can see if you are really compatible.

A word re: telling someone to never contact you again .. in my experience, 9 times out of 10 the person won’t take it seriously. They’ll only take it seriously if you make yourself 100% unavailable, meaning never unblocking them and completely ignoring their letters .. stuff like returning their letters unopened to them and replying in any form to say “don’t ever contact me again” counts as communication with them, which you want to avoid if you’re serious about permanently blocking them from your life. Sometimes people have to figure things out for themselves.
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Old 12-21-2018, 02:08 AM
MurMur MurMur is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anna7 View Post
It seems to me what you had with him has gotten completely taken over by blowups and misunderstandings, on both sides. Communicating with an inmate is hard enough without this sort of drama going on. As you were MWI I’m wondering how long you’ve known each other. If this was a relationship of short duration I’d say at this point to just let the prison relationship go, and maybe once he’s out you can see if you are really compatible.

A word re: telling someone to never contact you again .. in my experience, 9 times out of 10 the person won’t take it seriously. They’ll only take it seriously if you make yourself 100% unavailable, meaning never unblocking them and completely ignoring their letters .. stuff like returning their letters unopened to them and replying in any form to say “don’t ever contact me again” counts as communication with them, which you want to avoid if you’re serious about permanently blocking them from your life. Sometimes people have to figure things out for themselves.
We aren't having blow ups or misunderstandings at this point. During the relationship it was one time. This point in the communication I blew up at him because he reached out to me. I kept all communication blocked he did not. He reached out to me. I did unblock him and tell him to leave me alone and then tried to reblock my account didn't know that would take 24 hours to do so. He wrote back right away. I responded the rest is in at the top of the thread. We were together 4 months. Time doesn't matter. We had an amazing connection and communication. Everything was great up till that point. We are definitely not trying for a prison relationship we both agreed it's to hard for the both of us right now. That we moved to fast in the beginning and now we both agreed to be friends until he is out and then see how it goes from there.
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Old 12-21-2018, 02:42 PM
Phelly Phelly is offline
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Why do women put themselves thru stuff like this, he’s incarcerated ur free ur hearing all these rumors breaking ur heart why not just be a better person and says this person is maybe toxic, Find u a man that’s free why chase after someone that’s in jail...
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Old 01-25-2019, 12:56 PM
Sassy1983 Sassy1983 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MurMur View Post
He was the one to reach out and then apologized for his part in the break up. Saying he was inmature to block me and that he didn't know what he would have caused by doing so.
I understand what you went through, I just split up with my mwi yesterday after two years together, there's alot went on with how badly he treated me but we have decided to remain friends ,it's hard and painful right now but I hope we can build a good friendship out of this
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Old 02-02-2019, 01:29 AM
MurMur MurMur is offline
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I understand what you went through, I just split up with my mwi yesterday after two years together, there's alot went on with how badly he treated me but we have decided to remain friends ,it's hard and painful right now but I hope we can build a good friendship out of this
Building a good friendship is good. Things are a lot different for us now that we are friends. I am not under pressure with those walls that he is behind. We are really relaxed now and talk daily. Sometimes it's just a hello and sometimes it's a hour long conversation about what he is listening to or how my day went at work etc. He gets out in a month and 18 days and he is having a hard time time right now. He isn't stressed about getting out but a court date that will pull him to a different jail. But I'm free to give him his space and not feel bad about not having contact while he figures it out. It should have been like this in the beginning but we got caught up in each other to fast. Now we are just taking it easy and getting to know each other better and possibly work on dating when he gets out. I am still nervous and count down his days. Lol but it's really been good. Being his friend first. There are boundaries which we've drawn. I've taken a step back and looked deeper into our relationship and taken time to come back into it with a fresh perspective seeing things I didn't see before and being able to communicate through tougher things when they happen. So like I said it has been great so far. Again. I'm not looking into the future and just taking it day by day.
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