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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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Old 01-31-2019, 01:54 AM
AAH14589 AAH14589 is offline
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Default Hard to tell fact from fiction anymore

Looking from the outside and just stating facts, pretty typical for the most part. Didn't know he was an addict until I was way deep in, stayed and held it down at home through multiple rehab stints , only to have home come home and tear it all down just a little quicker and more dangerously each time. It was about a year ago when the legal trouble started. Went to jail for the last time in November, and was sentenced to adoc just last week.
When he foirst went to jail we we're talking on the phone regularly. The moment I would talk about how I was feeling I was instantly shut down. He told me straight up he can't deal with me telling him about the bad things he's done or situation he's left me in. Doesn't have the capacity to deal with my feelings.
Now I do understand they have to put on a certain front in a place like that, and they're stuck at that point and can't do much, but at the end of the day we're humans , allowed emotions, and getting involved in the legal system was his own fault , and I deserve answers so I can forgive, keep my feet forward, be ok and help hold him down also.
Most conversations turned into mini arguments and awkward silences. If we weren't talking about our feelings, and listening to one another, why are we on an $8 phone call just to hang up the line tired and unfulfilled?
He remained in complete denial about the fact he was actually in serious legal trouble, and the things he had done to me and other loved ones in that short period of time between the last tiny bit of control of his life and
hearing those cuffs snap together for the final time.
He told me he's ok with me being done, and understands why. That people make out through situations like this and stay together, I said absolutely they do, and I have on more than one occasion. This time I looked around both literally and figuratively and realized he left not a single thing anywhere I could reasonably hold onto and draw the strength from to make it another round. This time he hadn't provided me with the strength and endurance I would now need to hold him up with. They were all lies, broken promises, or distant memories, and I told him as much.
He just stated to me again that it's ok for me to be done, and asked if I was aware we was still going to call to check-in and make sure I'm ok from to time. I stated back to him but no I really don't know what you're going to do. He said ok, he will just call me when he knows what prison he'll be going to so I'm up to date.
That was it. Couple calls from him on Christmas that I missed, and nothing before last weeks sentencing.
I missed one call from his public defender the day after and have tried to follow back up with him several times with no luck. I had to track him down through the adoc website to see what happened with his sentence. I hate to say it but he looks absolutely horrible in his mugshot. Almost unrecognizable.
Yes, I know that in the grand scheme of things, this is the safest place for him to be right now. Yes, I know he's not ready to change and the past will most absolutely repeat. Yes, I do finally recognize the sickness, lies and manipulation. Yes, I do understand and recognize my part in this God awful mess too. And yes, I do understand that someone who can't fully love themselves first can never properly another, and that nothing changes if nothing changes.
The part I haven't mentioned is the way we were when together. I can say confidently that we brought out parts of one another we didn't know existed. That the colors in the world became more vibrant and full of life. That we found inspiration and life in dark areas wed buried long ago, and comfort and safety within each other we had never had. Extremely close, intense bond I didn't know possible.
This was no longer enough when it started to come at the expense of my safety and sanity.
I have no regrets about not trying hard enough or giving him the opportunity to turn it around before I left. I rode this one thoroughly through the gates of hell and back more than once and regardless of how much I truly do love this man, for the first time I am certain, it's just not enough, and I deserve better.
It took me 4 long years to realize I don't have the answers to save him, no matter how much of myself I throw in as offering, and that's because this isn't my battle, it's his, to fight.
Even with all of this being absolute, it still occupies a prime spot in my brain almost all the time asking for answers. Even though I have no desire to go back that route, I do know that having met him, regardless of the outcome, changed my life forever.
I know it's the right thing , at least as of this moment, to keep the distance. Something isn't quite right. Forever? Who knows. But now? Without a doubt. It feels like we've been writing each other into chapters in our book we shouldn't have been. We refused to stop even when we knew better, and a very harsh and permanent choice had to be made for us.
What is it that prevents things from just settling in either way? Why no matter how far one of us goes eventually we turn a corner and the other ones right there? We've both made several seemingly permanent moves away from the other , yet without a doubt some strange and unexpected life event brings us back around each other. Every.single.time. Yet it never works, and each time the end is a little faster and more painful.
So why am I sitting here in a prison chat room at 1am telling you all this?
I can feel there's something to learn here but I can't see it yet. Had anyone had anything similar to this happen?
The best I can muster is that I'm missing something, or is waiting to be revealed.
What could it be?
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I know he might not look like much to you. My only request, is that you tread lightly on our hearts, because to me, he's my whole world...*

Last edited by AAH14589; 01-31-2019 at 02:33 AM.. Reason: Spelling
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Old 02-02-2019, 03:17 AM
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For what it's worth I think you are doing the absolute right thing. All the emotions you are going through right now are natural, and once you start moving ahead and get some distance to all of it....it will get easier. It sounds like a cliché, but it will get easier. You've been through a lot with him and like you say, who knows what the future will bring. I guess sometimes it is possible to reconnect after years if that person is in a healthier place and ready to face and admit their addiction, taking steps to treatment and to a better version of themselves...but for now, I think, based on what you've shared (thank you for sharing) you are on the right path. Take care of yourself, let yourself heal...take some time to get past the worst pain and emotional turmoil. The future is open. Good luck to you!
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Old 02-03-2019, 12:28 AM
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post and respond. Sometimes it helps to just get it all out there and accept all the advice and help I can get (very out out character for me, so this is very much so a challenge).
Also good to know my confused feelings are the norm, at times I've been so all over the place with it I feel like a mad woman.
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Old 02-04-2019, 07:43 AM
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I think from what you have said here, and in the other thread about applying for phone calls..........
I'd do two things.
First, write. Dont send yet, but write out whats in your head.
Second?
Get yourself to an naranon meeting. You dont have to talk. Just listen.


You obviously have feelings for him, and are having some trouble deciding what you want to do, or not do, and what you feel you should do.
Get to a meeting.
And write out what you are feeling.


He will be (hopefully) sober now. He will have his own feelings and how to deal without getting high. Hopefully he's also hitting up some meetings too. And is serious about them.


I wish you all the best in this trying time, trying to figure out whats best for you, and for him.
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Old 02-04-2019, 08:41 PM
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Honey, your guy is missing a gas tank. You have this beautiful, wonderful sports car with all the options, but it doesn’t have a gas tank. No matter how wonderful the car is otherwise, you can’t use it because it’s missing something critical. This analogy helped me put in perspective a similar relationship I had long ago. What would I do if I found I had purchased a car with no gas tank? I’d take it back to the dealership and find one that did have a gas tank, in addition to all other critical parts necessary for me to be able to successfully drive the car.
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Old 02-04-2019, 09:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anna7 View Post
Honey, your guy is missing a gas tank. You have this beautiful, wonderful sports car with all the options, but it doesn’t have a gas tank. No matter how wonderful the car is otherwise, you can’t use it because it’s missing something critical. This analogy helped me put in perspective a similar relationship I had long ago. What would I do if I found I had purchased a car with no gas tank? I’d take it back to the dealership and find one that did have a gas tank, in addition to all other critical parts necessary for me to be able to successfully drive the car.
Well, unfortunately you have hit the nail on the head!
It can be hard to hear things like that, but it's getting easier, and i have to be able to admit it to myself. I need to hear the truth. And I know you're right.
I can't fix him, and he can't love anyone else until he loves himself
Not much more I know other than to say,
I really do hope he gets the help he needs
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I know he might not look like much to you. My only request, is that you tread lightly on our hearts, because to me, he's my whole world...*
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Old 02-05-2019, 12:53 PM
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I'll say this much about being in love with an addict with criminal behavior......fact and fiction eventually get so screwed together that, until you step back, the lines between the two get blurred.


Same for rational and irrational.


I highly suggest the NarAnon route. Give it 6 meetings. That's what we tell people. It's not a religious program and the notion of "Higher Power" is whatever you want it to be. Even if it's creating a fictictious thing and saying "here's my problems." I mean, no offense to the religious amongst us, I count myself as one, but frankly, invent your own concept if God isn't a concept you believe in and just say "my stress goes here" and leave it there.


Leave your addicted loved one's problems to them. They got themselves into them. It's THEIR job to get themselves out of it.


Let me tell you a story I told at my NarAnon meeting last night. The topic was Step 2 and letting go of the burdens on our shoulders and we talked a lot about the insanity involved. (This is my story so I'm okay to share it.....our overall policy, however is "what is said here, who is seen here, stays here...")


When Dee was arrested the first time after I met her, I found myself not only bailing her out, but retrieving her car from the woman who she was robbing the store with who got away. Me, feeling young and invincible, got in touch with Dee's friend Cha Cha and we went from a bad part of the city to an even worse part of the city and I went up, chest puffed out, knocking on the door. I gave these two folks some shit when they wouldn't give me the keys and finally they relented when I said I'd get the cops down there. Cha Cha was with me.


I'm pretty sure Cha Cha being with me is the only reason I didn't get shot that night. Cha Cha had cred in the neighborhood and there would have been retaliation if she got hurt.


I get in the car and drive it to Cha Cha's place and we examine it. In the back were a pair of gloves, some burglary tools and a flash light, MagLite style, still turned on. I don't know if they were looking for something in the vehicle or using the vehicle to commit burglaries or what.


But in hindsight...what the fuck was I thinking?

It has only been through months of meetings, starting to work steps, and doing serious self-evaluation that I've started to take full inventory of the idiocy on my own part in the relationship, and to begin to separate my feelings from the reality of who Dee is and what she is.


I still root for her to succeed. But until she decides to take the steps to actually do that, I'm out. I'm gone. I can't let feelings tie me to her because I'm on borrowed time, in my estimation, in staying out of serious danger and serious trouble myself. And I'm not saying most peoples' situations are anywhere near comparable to mine......but if you have a loved one who's an addict and involved in criminal activity to such an extent that they wind up incarcerated...chances are probably good that you put yourself into some bad situations at some point. And the point of NarAnon...is to evaluate that within yourself and, well, STOP DOING THAT. The addict is the addict's responsibility. Who's going to take care of you? (Hint: YOU are going to take care of you, because ultimately they are not.)


Distancing myself from Dee, ending the relationship, opening myself to new experiences.....I've met some great new people. I have a young woman in my life right now who....I don't know if it's going to go anywhere, but I know I have a great friend. And you know what she's done? She's actually taken care of me in little ways. When I was trying to get my birthday party planned and got sick the week before, she stepped up, made phone calls, kept everyone informed on plans. And I thought to myself "oh.......so THIS is what it's like to have someone else actually look out for you."


I guess my point is.....start looking out for yourself first. When you do...you'll find that you start forming relationships that actually benefit you and reflect on the fact that what you were in before was absolutely twisted.


Now...maybe your loved one "gets it" and figures it out and stays sober and "gets out of the game" so to speak. That'd be great. I hope so. I hope that for Dee. I say a little prayed for her every night that God watch over her and maybe give her the insight into herself to get sober and get right while there's still time. Because I do love her. I always will love her. But sometimes....it's better to love someone from a distance and let them figure out how to love themselves.....and it's also best to learn how to love ourselves. Because what I saw, as I opened my eyes....is I didn't even like who I was anymore.



It took me over 8 years to figure that out, by the way. So don't feel bad if revelations and change in yourself don't happen overnight.



Anyway, that's my take. Good luck to you. And I hope he does figure it out. But if not...then I wish you good things.
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Old 02-05-2019, 01:08 PM
AAH14589 AAH14589 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sidewalker View Post
I think from what you have said here, and in the other thread about applying for phone calls..........
I'd do two things.
First, write. Dont send yet, but write out whats in your head.
Second?
Get yourself to an naranon meeting. You dont have to talk. Just listen.



You obviously have feelings for him, and are having some trouble deciding what you want to do, or not do, and what you feel you should do.
Get to a meeting.
And write out what you are feeling.


He will be (hopefully) sober now. He will have his own feelings and how to deal without getting high. Hopefully he's also hitting up some meetings too. And is serious about them.


I wish you all the best in this trying time, trying to figure out whats best for you, and for him.

Super solid advice on writing it down but not sending it yet. Thank you! Gets it all out but not in a way I can't talked back
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I know he might not look like much to you. My only request, is that you tread lightly on our hearts, because to me, he's my whole world...*
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Old 02-05-2019, 01:45 PM
AAH14589 AAH14589 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by missingdee View Post
I'll say this much about being in love with an addict with criminal behavior......fact and fiction eventually get so screwed together that, until you step back, the lines between the two get blurred.


Same for rational and irrational. I


I highly suggest the NarAnon route. Give it 6 meetings. That's what we tell people. It's not a religious program and the notion of "Higher Power" is whatever you want it to be. Even if it's creating a fictictious thing and saying "here's my problems." I mean, no offense to the religious amongst us, I count myself as one, but frankly, invent your own concept if God isn't a concept you believe in and just say "my stress goes here" and leave it there.


Leave your addicted loved one's problems to them. They got themselves into them. It's THEIR job to get themselves out of it.


Let me tell you a story I told at my NarAnon meeting last night. The topic was Step 2 and letting go of the burdens on our shoulders and we talked a lot about the insanity involved. (This is my story so I'm okay to share it.....our overall policy, however is "what is said here, who is seen here, stays here...")


When Dee was arrested the first time after I met her, I found myself not only bailing her out, but retrieving her car from the woman who she was robbing the store with who got away. Me, feeling young and invincible, got in touch with Dee's friend Cha Cha and we went from a bad part of the city to an even worse part of the city and I went up, chest puffed out, knocking on the door. I gave these two folks some shit when they wouldn't give me the keys and finally they relented when I said I'd get the cops down there. Cha Cha was with me.


I'm pretty sure Cha Cha being with me is the only reason I didn't get shot that night. Cha Cha had cred in the neighborhood and there would have been retaliation if she got hurt.


I get in the car and drive it to Cha Cha's place and we examine it. In the back were a pair of gloves, some burglary tools and a flash light, MagLite style, still turned on. I don't know if they were looking for something in the vehicle or using the vehicle to commit burglaries or what.


But in hindsight...what the fuck was I thinking?

It has only been through months of meetings, starting to work steps, and doing serious self-evaluation that I've started to take full inventory of the idiocy on my own part in the relationship, and to begin to separate my feelings from the reality of who Dee is and what she is.


I still root for her to succeed. But until she decides to take the steps to actually do that, I'm out. I'm gone. I can't let feelings tie me to her because I'm on borrowed time, in my estimation, in staying out of serious danger and serious trouble myself. And I'm not saying most peoples' situations are anywhere near comparable to mine......but if you have a loved one who's an addict and involved in criminal activity to such an extent that they wind up incarcerated...chances are probably good that you put yourself into some bad situations at some point. And the point of NarAnon...is to evaluate that within yourself and, well, STOP DOING THAT. The addict is the addict's responsibility. Who's going to take care of you? (Hint: YOU are going to take care of you, because ultimately they are not.)


Distancing myself from Dee, ending the relationship, opening myself to new experiences.....I've met some great new people. I have a young woman in my life right now who....I don't know if it's going to go anywhere, but I know I have a great friend. And you know what she's done? She's actually taken care of me in little ways. When I was trying to get my birthday party planned and got sick the week before, she stepped up, made phone calls, kept everyone informed on plans. And I thought to myself "oh.......so THIS is what it's like to have someone else actually look out for you."


I guess my point is.....start looking out for yourself first. When you do...you'll find that you start forming relationships that actually benefit you and reflect on the fact that what you were in before was absolutely twisted.


Now...maybe your loved one "gets it" and figures it out and stays sober and "gets out of the game" so to speak. That'd be great. I hope so. I hope that for Dee. I say a little prayed for her every night that God watch over her and maybe give her the insight into herself to get sober and get right while there's still time. Because I do love her. I always will love her. But sometimes....it's better to love someone from a distance and let them figure out how to love themselves.....and it's also best to learn how to love ourselves. Because what I saw, as I opened my eyes....is I didn't even like who I was anymore.



It took me over 8 years to figure that out, by the way. So don't feel bad if revelations and change in yourself don't happen overnight.



Anyway, that's my take. Good luck to you. And I hope he does figure it out. But if not...then I wish you good things.

Unbelievable. Your post here honestly gave me the chills. You are absolutely right in all of that. I've started a little bit to be able to look back fully and honestly at some of the stuff that's Happened, got tied up in, put up with etc.... I'm blown away, for lack of better words.

There's NO way that happened...or that...or that...
No way , right? And at the hands of the one you love and trust most in this world? Not a chance
The one person supposed to keep you safe, putting you closer to harms path than you've ever been? Must be confused
Except....yes. that all happened. The only thing you needed protection from was them.

That, for me, is the hardest pill to swallow. I'm thinking about your story about the car and I can think of a couple times towards the end where there was a similar type of situation with him I found myself involved in not knowing how I got there, and how incredibly lucky I am to have found my way out of them. Physically safe and not in jail, there's definitely mental scarring. The more time that passes the more I remember and can see clearly how sick it all was. How do we let down our guard and our morals so low ? Doesn't matter how strong or independent of a person you are either, If I've learned anything here, it's that this can happen to anyone.

I'm sure there's so much more to say, and reply to your comment, but for now. Wow. Thank you. I needed to hear that I'm not the only person looking back in a state oif shock at what transpired.

Time to work a little on getting back to gratitude for being on this side of the bars, and above ground. Gratefulnfor places like this, and people like you,and where we can come and share stories, get advice, and not be judged on mistakes or missteps we've taken to try and save our loved ones.
Lord only knows how close we came to the other.

I swear to God that if even one person in this world can get something out of any of what I say on here, once I get into the real stuff, and it helps them stay safe, or a loved one sober, out of prison, anything... I will gladly tell my story over and over until he ends of time.
__________________

*Dear Judge,
I know he might not look like much to you. My only request, is that you tread lightly on our hearts, because to me, he's my whole world...*

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