Welcome to the Prison Talk Online Community! Take a Minute and Sign Up Today!

Go Back   Prison Talk > RESOURCE CENTER > Drug & Alcohol Treatment & Rehabilitation > Friends & Families of Addicts
Register Entertainment FAQ Calendar Mark Forums Read

Friends & Families of Addicts Information for coping, dealing & living with a loved one's addictive behavior.

Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 01-10-2011, 10:23 PM
ohsweetmaryjane's Avatar
ohsweetmaryjane ohsweetmaryjane is offline
Registered User

Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: <3
Posts: 1,781
Thanks: 3,545
Thanked 1,564 Times in 801 Posts
Question Does anyone else go through this? LACK OF TRUST!

Hi all,

I sometimes hesitate to post on the forums because it seems like some people's first reaction is....DUMP HIM!!! LOL!! But I am curious to see who else, if anyone, goes through this.

My guy has been gone for a little while now. He is a drug addict with a long history of use. The stakes are very high for ME for him staying clean because he's verbally, and very nearly physically, abusive when he's getting high. So basically I am taking a big risk riding this out with him. He could come home, get high, and terrorize me again; and when he is like that, its easier said than done breaking it off with him.

But getting to the point.....

He has done a lot to break my trust while we've been together. Not going to get into it here, but those of us with addicts in our lives, I'm sure you get the picture. I try to have faith and trust in him (to the degree that I feel is realistic) but sometimes I go through these times when I doubt every other thing he says it seems. And, truly, sometimes I am just WRONG. Really, like, I will convince myself that he did A, B, or C wrong, and then later I realize that I was ABSOLUTELY WRONG.

But these situations come up so much, and I don't know if I should follow my "instincts" (which tell me that he is lying, even when he isn't) or just have faith and trust in him. How do other people handle a lack of trust?

Hoping my post made sense. Just really looking for support.
Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to ohsweetmaryjane For This Useful Post:
boflipflops36 (01-24-2011), LoveBuggy (01-16-2011), LovinMYman09 (02-15-2011), rangehood (01-12-2011), Tiny xo (01-11-2011)
Sponsored Links
Old 01-10-2011, 10:51 PM
brooks's Avatar
brooks brooks is offline
Registered User

Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: RI
Posts: 3,546
Thanks: 578
Thanked 1,145 Times in 679 Posts

Trust.. well, that has been so destroyed. For me, I have to have the strength to walk away because I have 2 kids who I don't want to grow up learning from his slips.

There's a long time of a very deep lie to contend with.. and he lies to himself the most.
So much I wish I could say, but the hurt is immense.
Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to brooks For This Useful Post:
bunnybunny (01-11-2011), Lordbew/us (01-16-2011), ohsweetmaryjane (01-10-2011), rangehood (01-12-2011)
Old 01-11-2011, 08:20 PM
rangehood rangehood is offline
Registered User

Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: western new york
Posts: 71
Thanks: 42
Thanked 21 Times in 10 Posts

I appreciate what both of you have said. To go from being lied to in the way that only an addict can lie to us (with a straight face and not batting an eyelash) to being able to respect that they are being honest and truthful and capable of growth, is hard.

I think it is important for the addicts in our lives to know that we need a period of positive actions and demonstrable ability to stay clean, to allow for our trust to develop again. I think we need to stay on our toes in looking at their actions and not just listening to hollow promises. That doesn't mean we need to call them out on our doubt all of the time, because I can imagine if you are really trying to make improvements it is much more difficult with folks always expecting the worst....but that is part of the struggle of a recovering addict and they need to both understand the hurt they caused us and why we feel that way and use it as fuel to stay on the right track.

The addict in my life...well, I can't trust him as far as I can throw him. I find that when I trust him without him having warranted that trust, that it bears a close resemblance to enabling and there is no growth for anyone once that game starts to be played.

Good topic.
Reply With Quote
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to rangehood For This Useful Post:
Danya (01-22-2011), Lordbew/us (01-16-2011), mates001 (01-16-2011), ohsweetmaryjane (01-11-2011), Tiny xo (01-11-2011)
Old 01-11-2011, 10:22 PM
nimuay's Avatar
nimuay nimuay is offline
Always Remembered

PTO Super Moderator Pumpkin Hunt Participant 2014 Easter Egg Hunt 2013 - Participant 

Donation Award 

Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: new york
Posts: 24,729
Thanks: 7,207
Thanked 30,839 Times in 11,078 Posts

Been there and done that - and he went back to using.
You'll know you've created God in your own image when He hates all the people you do.
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to nimuay For This Useful Post:
Lordbew/us (01-16-2011)
Old 01-11-2011, 10:48 PM
bunnybunny's Avatar
bunnybunny bunnybunny is offline
Registered User

Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: California
Posts: 139
Thanks: 202
Thanked 151 Times in 65 Posts

Now that I'm with a great guy who doesn't require me to trust him-he's just trustworthy-I realize how much energy-energy that I could have been putting into anything- my hobbies, my kids, my career, myself-.I put into trusting my ex. Who burned me at every turn.
Sure, he'd come back with promises, and we'd go on for awhile, and then it would happen again. The drama, the problems...blah blah blah.
It's taken a long time, but stepping away from that left me available, after MANY years of just abuse, and pain, and lonelieness, and suffering, really, to meet someone who loves me-and loves himself. Who's been clean over ten years-and who doesn't make me responsible for his sobriety.
I know it sounds stupid, but it's my experience. All the crap about trust...is just that. People have to EARN your trust. Not BURN your trust and expect to get a free pass.
There are plenty of guys-and gals-out there both in prison and out-who are, I believe, trustworthy from the get go. THose are the people I want to be with now.
Reply With Quote
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to bunnybunny For This Useful Post:
brooks (01-12-2011), Lordbew/us (01-16-2011), rangehood (01-12-2011)
Old 01-11-2011, 10:53 PM
bunnybunny's Avatar
bunnybunny bunnybunny is offline
Registered User

Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: California
Posts: 139
Thanks: 202
Thanked 151 Times in 65 Posts

ps-Oh, and the only way I got to where I'm at was to go to Al Anon. I've been going for YEARS now. Because for every addict, there's one of us codependents counting drinks or lines or worse for him or her, and that's just a whole other waste of time too. You both deserve better than a relationship built on sorrow. If you can find better things to build it on, great, but if not, move on, IMO..
Reply With Quote
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to bunnybunny For This Useful Post:
Harv*sGirl (01-22-2011), rangehood (01-12-2011)
Old 01-16-2011, 08:10 AM
mates001 mates001 is offline
Registered User
Donation Award 

Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Me N.C., my son N.Y
Posts: 1,473
Thanks: 6,132
Thanked 4,402 Times in 1,236 Posts

I am in a similiar situation with my son. He will be in prison until about 2016 but it is weighing heavy on my mind now. The question: How much help is too much help? When does help become enabling instead of just help? It appears to be a fine line. I know he will not find employment easily when he gets out....how much help is help and not setting him up for failure again. Another thing that is weighing heavy is a quote I saw posted by someone which goes something like this: The first time it happens, you are a victim.......after that, you are a volunteer.
Reply With Quote
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to mates001 For This Useful Post:
brooks (01-16-2011), Harv*sGirl (01-23-2011), Lordbew/us (01-16-2011), ohsweetmaryjane (01-16-2011)
Old 01-22-2011, 10:43 PM
Harv*sGirl's Avatar
Harv*sGirl Harv*sGirl is offline
Anthony's Mom

Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: California
Posts: 1,300
Thanks: 597
Thanked 718 Times in 453 Posts

I used to feel like this all the time. My BF also is a monster when he is using, so I completely understand the "risk". For 10 years BF and I have been doing this back and forth. For the past few years I have gotten better and better bout not putting up with his crap though.

Everytime he gets out I go through this, try to have faith but am petrified by fear thing. I am an addict so I thought I had a pretty good understanding of what was going on. Then BF went to a drug program and I started attending family group. OMG it made things so much better! I knew some information, but the groups helped me learn how to apply it in my life. I think Alanon will do the same thing. I reccomend trying to find a meeting in your area.

I am going to be going again because it really helped me. Dealing with addicts is crazy making. They confuse us on purpose so we cant figure out whether were coming or going, let alone what they are up too!

"God's will won't ever take you where Gods grace cannot protect you."

"A successful corrections system doesn't grow, if they were correcting anybody, they'd shrink." ~Stephen Richards
Reply With Quote
The Following User Says Thank You to Harv*sGirl For This Useful Post:
ohsweetmaryjane (01-22-2011)
Old 01-22-2011, 10:51 PM
tearfallzbreak tearfallzbreak is offline
Donation Award 

Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Usa
Posts: 3,618
Thanks: 668
Thanked 2,353 Times in 1,353 Posts

I understand and am sort of in the same situation except my man using mean he just falls asleep and I never see him. You will know in your heart if you need to turn in the other direction from him. Keep your eyes open and find yourself during the time he is away so when you see any thing harmful to you your heart will find the direction for you. Trust is so important we all will never know what direction they will turn next.
Reply With Quote


Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 08:58 PM.
Copyright © 2001- 2017 Prison Talk Online
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.7.4
Copyright ©2000 - 2019, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Website Design & Custom vBulletin Skins by: Relivo Media
Message Board Statistics