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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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  #1  
Old 05-22-2018, 05:04 PM
elzbthxo elzbthxo is offline
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Default Over for a while

You know... me and my MWI were going to strong but when he got released, I think he was looking for a reason to break it off. I'm okay with this now and I accepted it a long time ago...

But how do you guys know who to trust / believe when a guy or lady writes to you? I really thought it was going to be forever but he "replaced" me after 2 weeks.

I have other penpals who I'm friendly with. They know about my ex and they know I'm also super guarded because of that... but any words of advice going forward? I know for now I don't (and won't) see my current 2 penpals that way but how do you know what to trust?
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Old 05-22-2018, 05:46 PM
fbopnomore fbopnomore is offline
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My opinion is that a MWI or long distance relationship is even more difficult to judge than one where you are in contact with the other person frequently. Trust your instincts with either one, and don't dismiss or excuse incidents that you find questionable or offensive.
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Old 05-23-2018, 12:19 PM
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How about.. find a free world man?
Inmate hoping isn't a good look.
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Old 05-23-2018, 12:25 PM
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maytayah maytayah is offline
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Hi there I am sorry to hear you had to go through this. MWI are like any other relationship they last or they dont. However if he left you so quickly after release it sounds like he wasnt really committed to you at all.
Look after yourself be guarded in future and if there are red flags and something bothers you then listen to it.
You will find your happiness elsewhere , I wouldnt jump straight into another penpal MWI do you for a while go on some dates and remember you have a lot to offer.
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Old 05-25-2018, 02:49 PM
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yuliya1991 yuliya1991 is offline
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Okay... I was only briefly MWI but I’ll throw down my 2 cents. I feel like MWI relationships can play out in a few ways.

1. They get released and stick to their word and it works out
2. When they’re in prison, they’re so emotionally (and financially— not saying you provided in that way though) starved that relationships formed while they’re down are circumstantial. That’s not the way the feelings aren’t/weren’t very real to them while they were down, but when they’re released the feelings and desire doesn’t translate into the free world because it’s just an entirely different environment, with so many different options. Once whatever you’re providing is no longer completely necessary, with so many other people they can meet in the free world, it’s easy to abandon those who provided what they lacked while they were down.

I also get the feeling that for some men, coming from prison and straight into a relationship that was formed while they were down can feel like... having another warden in the free world. They don’t want anything they perceive as potentially trapping them.

But anyhow, I’m sorry that happened to you. I’ve seen things play out like this so many time from reading on here, it almost seems like the most likely outcome from MWI relationships. It’s not okay but it just seems to happen.

As for how I trust people... I’m only penpals with people now but, I remain sceptical of their character (because SOMETHING caused them to be incarcerated, it wasn’t for going to church every Sunday), but I try to trust until they’ve given me a reason not to... and you’ve definitely been given reasons not to.
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Old 05-25-2018, 02:51 PM
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And maybe I’m wrong but from that last paragraph it looks like you already have ideas about potentially being with another inmate. Why so hung up on that? There’s thousands of people in the free world who won’t make you have to wonder about something as basic as whether they’ll still be there for you the next day.
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Old 05-26-2018, 01:43 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by yuliya1991 View Post
2. When they’re in prison, they’re so emotionally (and financially— not saying you provided in that way though) starved that relationships formed while they’re down are circumstantial. That’s not the way the feelings aren’t/weren’t very real to them while they were down, but when they’re released the feelings and desire doesn’t translate into the free world because it’s just an entirely different environment, with so many different options. Once whatever you’re providing is no longer completely necessary, with so many other people they can meet in the free world, it’s easy to abandon those who provided what they lacked while they were down.
elzbthxo - I am sorry you had to go through this, but I'm also glad to see that you have moved on regardless.

The part I quoted from yuliya's post above is also how I perceive things might go in many cases; I believe that sometimes an inmate can truly fall in love with a pen pal and believe in that relationship with all his/her heart....but then, coming out to the real world, everything changes so drastically that not everyone has the tools to handle the transition in a way where the relationship would survive. I wouldn't necessarily even see that as the inmate abandoning their loved one, not on purpose anyway; to some extent I think they might just sort of "wake up" after release and realize their idea about the relationship, even their love...was not really based on reality, and everything feels different now. And, for some, if this happens, it can be impossible to communicate that to the person who was there for them for years in some cases....so it is easier and less painful maybe (for the inmate) to just cut off contact and disappear - which I absolutely do not agree with, but I think it might happen this way. I do think circumstances play a huge role in this - but that's not to say there aren't men & women who do continue their relationship after release without anyone disappearing

I've been in my guy's life for nearly four years and in a relationship for over two years...I love him to bits and I believe he loves me genuinely as well - but when I entered this relationship I went through this sort of self-assessment in order to figure out whether or not I'd be strong enough to live through a possible "abandonment" when he's going to be free...and I decided yes, I can take this on. No matter how much in love we are right now, I never take it for granted that this relationship will last forever....I hope it will, but my mindset is that we will see when he's out, eventually.

If I would ever be in a situation where I'd be looking for new pen pals that are incarcerated, first rule for me would be that I would pick people that I absolutely definitely could not fall for - I could never be in a MWI relationship again. But, as to how to trust your pen pals....The basic for me would be to listen to my gut, not ignore little things that'd seem weird, setting boundaries and communicating them clearly, see how the pen pal respects those...I do not think there are ever guarantees though, so first and foremost I would decide whether or not you are strong enough to face whatever consequences might be in the horizon.
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  #8  
Old 06-16-2018, 11:00 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elzbthxo View Post
You know... me and my MWI were going to strong but when he got released, I think he was looking for a reason to break it off. I'm okay with this now and I accepted it a long time ago...

But how do you guys know who to trust / believe when a guy or lady writes to you? I really thought it was going to be forever but he "replaced" me after 2 weeks.

I have other penpals who I'm friendly with. They know about my ex and they know I'm also super guarded because of that... but any words of advice going forward? I know for now I don't (and won't) see my current 2 penpals that way but how do you know what to trust?
Hola. i do not always write long pero i love this post/thread so i am writing to you directly long. hi chica! How? Simple...
-By action applied to the inmate wording, and not just falling for a few "i care for u."i love you beba....NO! ACTION, and nothing less.
-By identifying his current way of speaking to you, vs., how he sound diff at times et.al., weigh it all chica, and again MORE ACTION.


For instance:


I've developed chica a beautiful healthy "friendship." I m calling it a healthy one and it is, and i know the ex-factor ALL here know mi story at length, as i was posting regularly and i m so much better off without the ex so so much happier, as he keep f-kin'up his life in the street, and has no 1 better than me, i am told by so many who also was sayin' he would violate and he did, months ago, i am so happy to be with mi especiale' amigo. my special friend..."He is in Chi-town/Aurora over there, straight hood young man, very criminal-minded arrested lord so many times, (i thought only 5, but he openly told me, he been arrested/locked up/prison/county jails/juvie-detention for over 2 dozen times, good lord, and or higher by now.He says, "I lost count so i do not know for sure,but it's at last 2 to three dozen arrest/convictions/felonies et.al., always in trouble, (sad) since a teen, 11 years young was the 1st time, (adoptive family)lied on him, and sent him away sad story, and then he went home to "dad" who is a known chicagoan drug dealer type just bad and mom in prison!(even as we speak) lord, help him. Yet, we are getting along so great and he love it, (of course) but i told him, Gotta see how you are "after this bid"and or if you are found not guilty, then even better, and he agree. So, we are doing this slowly but surely. and i love it this way! Good luck PM me anytime. Just follow tu mente chica(your mind listen to first) THEN, the heart. I always said this here. MIND first. HEART last, and you will be ok."adios.
Good luck.
Hugs and blessings.
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Lead with your MIND + not your heart.
CONSISTENCY,communication"is key.Without action, it just isn't real...

Last edited by a.rare.love; 06-16-2018 at 11:11 AM..
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Old 06-16-2018, 04:15 PM
cmilly91 cmilly91 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by a.rare.love View Post
Hola. i do not always write long pero i love this post/thread so i am writing to you directly long. hi chica! How? Simple...
-By action applied to the inmate wording, and not just falling for a few "i care for u."i love you beba....NO! ACTION, and nothing less.
-By identifying his current way of speaking to you, vs., how he sound diff at times et.al., weigh it all chica, and again MORE ACTION.


For instance:


I've developed chica a beautiful healthy "friendship." I m calling it a healthy one and it is, and i know the ex-factor ALL here know mi story at length, as i was posting regularly and i m so much better off without the ex so so much happier, as he keep f-kin'up his life in the street, and has no 1 better than me, i am told by so many who also was sayin' he would violate and he did, months ago, i am so happy to be with mi especiale' amigo. my special friend..."He is in Chi-town/Aurora over there, straight hood young man, very criminal-minded arrested lord so many times, (i thought only 5, but he openly told me, he been arrested/locked up/prison/county jails/juvie-detention for over 2 dozen times, good lord, and or higher by now.He says, "I lost count so i do not know for sure,but it's at last 2 to three dozen arrest/convictions/felonies et.al., always in trouble, (sad) since a teen, 11 years young was the 1st time, (adoptive family)lied on him, and sent him away sad story, and then he went home to "dad" who is a known chicagoan drug dealer type just bad and mom in prison!(even as we speak) lord, help him. Yet, we are getting along so great and he love it, (of course) but i told him, Gotta see how you are "after this bid"and or if you are found not guilty, then even better, and he agree. So, we are doing this slowly but surely. and i love it this way! Good luck PM me anytime. Just follow tu mente chica(your mind listen to first) THEN, the heart. I always said this here. MIND first. HEART last, and you will be ok."adios.
Good luck.
Hugs and blessings.
Awww, you found someone new. I hope everything works out for you this time around chica!
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  #10  
Old 07-02-2018, 08:36 PM
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a.rare.love a.rare.love is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cmilly91 View Post
Awww, you found someone new. I hope everything works out for you this time around chica!
Hola como esta? y' si yes chica, hi, and i JUST seen this tonight.

Aw gracia gracia muchas ... Si...yes, it is going "knock on wood"great so far.
Yep.
Took a minute lol going on SEVEN months this month in july G2K(getting to know each other) and slowly a slow-burn i call it. No need to rush
after so long with the now ex-fiancee who still prank me/call etc. i have not spoken to him.
When i said i would be done i meant it. Four years and a few months, with the ex, i am happy and not regretting anything,
because unlike "him?" i am still very happy, living well, focus,blessed. i am fine and as far as
(Him, the ex-fiancee?) Well, i posted updates on him doing poorly/real bad/violated again et.al.,
last time i heard this winter of 2018.I KNOW now i made the right choice/decision.-

Now:
Yes!

I am taking this MWI trip journey slow and i have so far no bemoaning to do insofar as him.So far so good and i will let others know how it will turn out,
and thank you again. Not all are the same doing time
so i can't judge all the same. .But i damn sure am not rushing nada however, we all know how things go with a "new"friendship, where it can remain
healthy-happy or end up horrid lol, so i am being very careful, and again so far i have no complaints,time will tell. God bless you all.
Hugs Blessings to you too CMilly...Buenas Noches ... G-night.
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#TAAS (there are always signs,so DON'T ignore them)



Lead with your MIND + not your heart.
CONSISTENCY,communication"is key.Without action, it just isn't real...

Last edited by a.rare.love; 07-02-2018 at 08:41 PM..
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