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Raising Children with Parents in Prison For the Parent left behind with children AND for the Children that have a parent inside. Discussion of unique challenges facing this group!

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Old 02-05-2016, 07:15 PM
SanFrancisco SanFrancisco is offline
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Default Should I write to my children's father?

Hello, new here

My ex husband and father to our two boys (aged 8 and 5) was recently sentenced to 20 years in prison. He was in jail for the past two years awaiting trial and sentencing.

At first my boys and I wrote back and forth with him. My boys would draw him pictures and I would tell him what they've been up to and what their new interests are. When he would write back, however, his letters to our boys would mostly state that he was cold and hungry and the police put him there and he didn't do anything wrong and he was going to get out soon and see them. He would ask my boys to have me send money and set up a phone and email account. His letters to me would go from, "I love you I'm so sorry" to "you are the reason I'm here and our boys would be better off in foster care".

Everything I read says that it's very important for children to maintain a connection and relationship with their incarcerated parent, however I'm not feeling like it's in my children's best interest in our situation. I've asked my children many times if they'd like to write to their dad. When they're missing him, I tell them they can always write to him about how they're feeling. They tell me specifically though that writing to him makes them feel worse. I respect that 100% and never force them. We haven't written to him in over 9 months.

Regarding me writing to him, I stopped as well because his letters were so disruptive and unpredictable. I couldn't handle hearing such cruel horrible things from someone I had loved for so long. We have since moved and he doesn't know where we are. I'm having mixed feelings now though. One side of me feels that I should at least send him our boy's yearly school pictures and tell him what they are up to. The other side of me feels like he lost the privilege of knowing his children when he committed his horrific crimes and then later was cruel and selfish to us.

What do you all think? Do you know of a way I can send pictures without him knowing my new address? It has been such a relief knowing that he has no clue where we are. I'm even sleeping better since we moved.

Thank you
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Old 02-06-2016, 08:39 AM
fbopnomore fbopnomore is offline
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Welcome to Prison Talk. Your last statement sounds like you already know the answers. Even if you get a PO Box (post office or private company) or have somebody else send the letter for you, he will know more than he does now, so keep that in mind when you decide.
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Old 02-06-2016, 11:34 AM
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maytayah maytayah is offline
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I think you know what is best for you, its sounds like you have made your decision. Should your children decide they would like to write later on you can look at getting a PO Box but I would leave it until they ask. You have a right to be safe and happy.
"Do not judge me by my successes, judge me by how many times I fell down and got back up again." Nelson Mandela.

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Old 04-16-2016, 01:24 PM
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Your kids do not need to be exposed to feeling sorry for their dad. My kids' dad doesn't deserve my sons in his life. I don't bad mouth him but I also don't like him telling them that he needs money etc. let it go. When the kids are older, they can decide if they want a relationship or not. My ex was never there for his sons in any way. He's never been in prison but he is detached from the guys. I don't communicate with him at all. They know his phone number if they want to talk to him, but they are grown men now and it's their choice.
God bless us every one

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Old 01-02-2017, 07:10 AM
mssirois2u mssirois2u is offline
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I'm feeling really lucky, I'm rasing my grand daughter, daddy comes home in Nov 2018 he has Always answered her questions HONESTLY , she is 6, he told her he made a bad choice, and because of his choice he ended up in prison, when she asked what he did, he told her, THE TRUTH, and now I have a very smart lil girl who understands the prison, and how you may ended up there. At 6 yrs old she will tell you to think before you do something that is bad because you to could go to prison.
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