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  #1  
Old 01-07-2017, 06:00 PM
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Angry My husband is an idiot, incarcerated and still addicted

He had a Heroin addiction then turned to Meth. Why I am not clear on. Today after weeks of no letters, I get a letter from him. He must think I am the biggest idiot on this planet, as he says can you send 50 bucks a month to some other inmate, but uses it as court fees , that my husband doesn't have. From his arrest almost 3 years ago. He goes on to tell me to send 50 bucks a month to blah blah, as if I sent it to him via jpay the state would take it, that is for a old tax return which I agreed to pay FTS for. He tells me the amount is 7 thousand dollars. I am no dummy. It clearly tells me he owes 7 grand for drugs. I am so pissed at him. Well guess what dear husband if you are stupid enough to owe a debt in state prison for your damn drug addiction you best find another way to get it paid off. I will only send vendor packages between me & his father. And our kids. Best learn it doesn't pay to do drugs in prison or on the streets. I watched a youtube show about how drugs are very expensive in state prison verse's street value. God if I could be where he is, I would have a bitch fit in front of the CO's and the who visiting room . And let him know if you want to continue this bullshit drug problem you best learn to figure out your own demons. As for me sending this other guy 50 bucks a month for him via jpay he can kiss my ass. I don't know him and I don't want to be involved with this bullshit. I am supporting myself and two children, took a lesser paying job, but I do manage my paychecks wisely, this of course is not in the program.............
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Old 01-07-2017, 06:32 PM
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Sorry your having to deal with this. Applause to you for standing up for you and your children.
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Old 01-07-2017, 06:48 PM
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Are you still with him? You are putting up with a lot more than I ever would.
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Old 01-07-2017, 08:18 PM
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He's still telling you he hasn't hit bottom....that may be when you leave for good. Maybe not even then.
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Old 01-07-2017, 09:31 PM
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I thought you were divorcing this dude....the payoff you are getting for continuing to deal with him must be awesome. I realize his kids want to have him in their life, but that can and has been done MANY times, without all the other communication you two obviously have. UGH
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Old 01-07-2017, 09:49 PM
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What's up with sending packages?

They're housed, clothed and fed. Anything else is giving him money.
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Old 01-08-2017, 03:15 AM
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My husband's also an idiot/addict. He's not using inside - but I found out last week that he is making plans to hang with his best using buddy when his sentence discharges in August. OH! But he won't use, it's just that they're such good friends . . . riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. When husband's in prison this good friend disappears - til his sentence is almost up . . .

I haven't been putting anything on his books this time around. Packages? Yeah. Right. Like miamac said, they've got everything the need in there. Personally, I'd rather have meat once a week than send him goodies to sell for cash.

As of last week, I'm in the middle of throwing the biggest bitch fit he's since in 24 years of marriage. He obviously thinks being so stupid that he's in prison isn't a big deal. Fine. I do. I've cut off all contact. No wife. No son. Not one of the six grandchildren. No pictures of the great-granddaughter when she arrives in March.

I haven't decided what's going to happen to this so-called relationship yet. Right now? Fuck him. I don't wanna play this bullshit game any more.

You didn't ask, but in my humble opinion, you are teaching your children that his behavior [drugs, prison, expecting you to play the game, etc] is acceptable. js
Sorry. My bitch fits tend to be me being a cunt to everyone . . .
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Old 01-08-2017, 06:00 AM
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You have really been through the mill with this guy, it seems like whatever he does you still stick by him and support him. I hope you put you and your children first and let this (in my opinion) selfish man get on with his dramas and demands.
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Old 01-08-2017, 06:27 AM
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All of the above plus stop using your kids as an excuse to keep putting up with his bullshit. Your kids are old enough to see that it's him only and you keep enabling him by him getting to you. You have to cut him loose and use that energy on yourself and your family. Only you can stop that sick cycle.
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Old 01-08-2017, 06:53 AM
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You have really been through the mill with this guy, it seems like whatever he does you still stick by him and support him. I hope you put you and your children first and let this (in my opinion) selfish man get on with his dramas and demands.
Oh ya, I have stuck by him for our youngest daughter, I don't really think our son cares either way anymore. I read the posts here, his father whom I speak with weekly and have since my husband's mother passed almost 3 yrs ago, I have great concern for his dad. Older, diabetic, etc. But as for my husband whose last letter was to our youngest daughter, not this one I got the other day, the letter said he was going to school and doing good, and was telling our youngest how important school is. Our son who is a Jr. doesn't speak of his father much, is doing far better without him as he is NOT following in his footsteps. I.E. using drugs, making poor choices. I know who our son hangs out with, and instead of asking for things, he now has a p/t job after school, such as Thanksgiving and Christmas we all volunteered at a Fire department for a cooked holiday meal. The kids loved it. Giving back to the misfortunate then asking for expensive toys I just can't afford at the moment. But this letter I received from him really rattled my nerves as it showed me after 18 now years of marriage to him and he said he was going through N.A. at the prison he is in, hasn't learned much since he went to prison 3 years ago. I spoke to his dad last night in reference to this letter, and his dad said forget it, he thought he was turning his life around. Boy what a fool both of us have been. I haven't written him much if at all, this letter was out of the blue. As far as his taxes owed goes, well as his dad said, he owes not you so drop it. I began to think at one point and that was roughly 6 months ago, maybe he was serious about getting his shit together. I was so blinded. We had been working out issues months ago, but I do know after meeting with another woman who has a husband in state prison, they are really good at telling you one thing, to doing the opposite. I researched the effects of Heroin and Meth, and both are two evils. And the cost of that crap in a state prison is so high, how families would put out money for the expense of what this has done is beyond me. After not hearing from him for several months and our youngest wanted to know why her daddy hadn't written, I began to think he was in the hole for being yet again stupid. No, he will have to figure this one out on his own. I don't have the extra money to send to someone I don't know for his drug addiction. 7 grand is a lot of money even 50 bucks is a lot of money for something I don't do, that's using drugs illegally to pay off a drug debt. I asked his dad about the package he wanted to send his son for his birthday that is coming up, and his dad, said nope, not now. Also reading the posts above this one, yes he has 3 hots and a cot as I have learned prison slang, and he has clothing, etc. If he didn't want to go to prison then he should have thought clearly of his actions back then. Monday I will go back to a divorce attorney and talk to him about how to handle this fucked up mess. I am no longer a legal paralegal, I work as a alarm dispatcher, and my pay is 1/2 of what I used to make. Food, clothing, gasoline, insurance, mortgage out here is very expensive. I manage. I don't buy expensive shit, I still make our youngest daughters dresses and shirts for school, I am wise on how to make ends meet, but apparently I wasn't wise to this bullshit. I guess when you have a husband in prison you live in denial and want to keep what was only to learn the hard way, it will never be the same. Thanks for the input on this thread. It really helps all of us, of how your husband or common law, to boyfriends really know how to screw them selves and when the shit hits the fan, come back asking for this and that. Oh I also forgot insurance. The health care reform crap they have out here on the outside is very expensive for me, and I fall in the cracks of state aide, I make to much to get state aide, even with children so I am paying a lot for primary care, dental care, and that too adds up..........
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Old 01-08-2017, 07:03 AM
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My husband's also an idiot/addict. He's not using inside - but I found out last week that he is making plans to hang with his best using buddy when his sentence discharges in August. OH! But he won't use, it's just that they're such good friends . . . riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. When husband's in prison this good friend disappears - til his sentence is almost up . . .

I haven't been putting anything on his books this time around. Packages? Yeah. Right. Like miamac said, they've got everything the need in there. Personally, I'd rather have meat once a week than send him goodies to sell for cash.

As of last week, I'm in the middle of throwing the biggest bitch fit he's since in 24 years of marriage. He obviously thinks being so stupid that he's in prison isn't a big deal. Fine. I do. I've cut off all contact. No wife. No son. Not one of the six grandchildren. No pictures of the great-granddaughter when she arrives in March.

I haven't decided what's going to happen to this so-called relationship yet. Right now? Fuck him. I don't wanna play this bullshit game any more.

You didn't ask, but in my humble opinion, you are teaching your children that his behavior [drugs, prison, expecting you to play the game, etc] is acceptable. js
Sorry. My bitch fits tend to be me being a cunt to everyone . . .
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Old 01-08-2017, 08:25 AM
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He has to solve it all on his own. Drug addiction is a nightmare in prison. It pisses me off how prisons, at least here in CDCR, do nothing to cure addicts. I bet half are in because of something related to drugs. NA meetings are not drug rehab and people need to stop thinking they are. NA meetings are maintenance that can maybe help after a year or so of drug rehab treatment and otherwise extremely unlikely to get anyone off drugs. Prisons representing they provide addiction treatment when all they offer is NA meetings organized by the inmates themselves? That is all such crap.

I don't think there could be a worse place for an addict than prison. Drugs are easily available. Not cheap as you point out. How do they get there? Primarily prison employees making extra money on the side. Guards look the other way. It will continue, inmates will come out addicts, they will be back in prison soon, the system shows no signs of fixing it.

The only way your husband will get off drugs is to suffer through probably 2 of the worst weeks of his life going through withdrawal curled up in his prison bunk. All on his own, expect no help from inmates or guards. Than hope once that's over, prison NA meetings somehow keep him from going back. Tall order. Everything else he or the prison present about getting him clean is 100% bullshit. You, and I suppose he, have to decide whether that can happen.

Believe me I feel your pain, I don't even want to get started talking about how much my sons addiction has cost me that I will never recover. I could write a book.
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Old 01-08-2017, 09:16 AM
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Glad to hear you won't be sending the $50/month.

Keep putting yourself and your children first.

Last edited by NewTexGal; 01-08-2017 at 10:02 AM..
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Old 01-10-2017, 12:03 AM
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Thumbs down Re: My husband is a idiot...........

I re-read his letter again last night and today at lunch break. It really saddens me how I could be so stupid to listen an read his crap. I looked up the other person's name, a JLWOP for murder. My husband has involved himself in a very unfortunate situation. He is going to have to figure this one out on his own. I went after work to see an attorney. He suggested for now separation, and would draw up the paper work. Separation because I can't get child support and CA being a community asset state, he would still be able to demand any assets we have had in our marriage. He is entitled to it regardless of him being in state prison. Kinda like a catch 22. He has fucked himself, and it breaks me in two. I should have seen the red flag with this letter, but as I re-read it over and over, oh yes all the sweetness of his bullshit came shining through. Yes our children are #1 with me. I am teaching them that drugs and stealing or whatever else does not pay. Teaching them morals, traditions that have been handed down to me and my family for generations. The other person has nothing to lose, as he was sentenced as a juvi for life w/o parole, and what the article on this person said to me was clear as a bell, no regard for human life. Illegal drugs are just that illegal. And I will not allow myself to fall prey to what my husband has once again done to himself or allow him to ask me to pay off a 7 thousand dollar drug debt. Forget the packages, the visits, I don't want to see him or deal with the bullshit he has once again created for himself. I am the only one he thought he could depend on. Sure if he had his shit together that would be one thing, but not sending money for someone else. Heart breaking an sad, and I will not enable his stupidity.
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Old 01-10-2017, 08:27 AM
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All I got to say is Im so sorry Bens.
I'd proceed with divorce I think if this was me.
In fact, it was me 36 yrs ago. My hub was not in prison but an active drug user.
I had a newborn. I couldnt deal with it.
hardest choice I ever made. Kept praying he would stop using and get clean.
Never happened. At least not for a long long time.
I think he is clean now, but mostly due to his failing health issues.
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Old 01-10-2017, 08:27 AM
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Smart girl. You have to let go, and maybe that will bring about a realization in him, or maybe not. No way of knowing. But it gives you a chance to rebuild your nervous system, your heart and your family.
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Old 01-10-2017, 09:16 AM
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I am glad you are putting your foot down and moving on. I am glad his dad is too. I am sure it is very difficult for him. It is wonderful you are still a great daughter in law even though their son is a dumb ass.
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Old 01-10-2017, 11:04 AM
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sounds stupid i know.. but when you send packages or money, is it always for drugs? cant they just want more food and better hygine?
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Old 01-11-2017, 07:23 AM
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Pupcakee, no its not always for drugs. But if someone is an active user?
It probably is or it could be. Especially since bens stated that her hubby wanted her to send money to someone else.
I'd assume things can also be traded (if she sent a package)
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Old 01-11-2017, 08:17 AM
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If a legal separation is the better financial choice for you and the kids, then that is what you need to do, ASAP.

So sorry your husband is putting you and the kids through this crap.
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Old 01-13-2017, 08:32 PM
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If a legal separation is the better financial choice for you and the kids, then that is what you need to do, ASAP.

So sorry your husband is putting you and the kids through this crap.
Now I am getting a lot of mail from him. Like I miss you, and I wished you could have been here for Xmas, or I wish I was there for Xmas. Really? We didn't have great Christmas's like years ago. We that's me and our children donated out time to help with the homeless. Through a fire station here so they can see what we have, we can give with our thoughts, and care so others wouldn't go hungry. The kids loved it!! We plan to do this again at Easter. I was off today so I went to get a second opinion on a divorce lawyer, for 30 minutes an a free consultation she said the same thing. CA is a community law state, regardless if he is in prison he is entitled to 50% of all assets. She said separation, remove him from your checking account for now. Its useless to him anyways. So I went to the court house and picked up a packet for 5 bucks looked over the material and its not that hard to do. So I will fill it out this weekend an Tuesday as Monday is a legal holiday I will take it to the court and file under Family Law for a legal separation. Send him a copy certified return receipt required and go from there. Once he gets his copy he will realize I am done playing the fool. He can either pull his head out of his ass and get with the program or he can act like its nothing. The choice will be in his hands.
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Old 01-13-2017, 10:02 PM
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And he will tell you he is pulling his head out of his ass, until you cave and take him back, accept his pity party....then he will be back doing the same shit again....I hope you are done with him...but it also sounds like there is a chance you will take him back, when he says all the right things. He obviously knows he has you pretty much wrapped.

Good luck with all of it
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Old 01-14-2017, 02:57 AM
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I am glad for you and your kids that you are going for legal separation and I wish your little family all the best
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Old 01-14-2017, 07:45 AM
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Quote:
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Once he gets his copy he will realize I am done playing the fool. He can either pull his head out of his ass and get with the program or he can act like its nothing. The choice will be in his hands.
It's more important for you to be done playing the fool (whether he realizes it or not).

How he reacts to the news is all on him. You just keep doing what you have must to protect yourself and the children financially. Get those papers filed and served.
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Old 01-16-2017, 02:17 PM
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The separation papers go out tomorrow. See how he reacts to that now. When he gets them that is. ISP is slow snail mail. After thinking about his situation, what he does In prison is his own stupid actions. And I will not be dragged down with it. I don't want to see him harmed no one would, but helping out with a package here and there is one thing, but on the other hand he put himself where he is today, and I am not going to be his "sugar momma".....
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