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View Poll Results: Should I get married now???
Yes get married 11 18.33%
No wait until he gets out 33 55.00%
I dont know,good luck 17 28.33%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 60. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1  
Old 08-11-2005, 04:06 PM
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Question Ok Everyone I Need Some Advice On Getting Married

Ok everyone here is my situation....


Me and my boyfriend have been together since February. He got locked up in March. We have always talked about getting married and we planned on it when he got out,which was supposed to be in september. Well recently he got in trouble and now he is going to be there until May or June and after this sunday he will lose his visits for 30 days. When the 30 days is up he can get visits again but only from Family. Well....me being only his girlfriend I wont be able to go see him of course, I dont want to go without seeing him until next May or June, that would be awful.

Well he said that we should get married..cause if Im his wife I can go see him every week and he also said he doesnt want to wait until next year to marry me. He knows I am not sure about getting married to him while hes in prison,I just dont know how I feel about it.I am 22 and he is 28 and hes been married before and I have not so of course I have my dreams in my head about how my wedding should be and this is not it.

I am just afraid that it wont feel as special to me, I mean it will be awesome to become his wife dont get me wrong I love this man to pieces but I want to be able to hold him after and go home with him. I dont want to go home alone and sit after I get married.

So I need advice from anyone who has gotten married to their spouse while they were in prison..how did it feel?do you wish now that you waited? Or even if you havent gotten married just help me out..thanks everyone.
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  #2  
Old 08-11-2005, 04:56 PM
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I didn't marry mine, so you may not want to listen, but DON'T MARRY HIM NOW!! You knew him for a month before he went in, and that's far too short a time to make that kind of decision. All the time since has been full of the tensions of prison, and they can make you feel much more important to each other than in the outside world. In my book, he's not a great candidate right now anyway. Already married once, convicted once, and can't even keep his nose clean while he's in. You need some sort of proof that that's not going to be the story of his life- trouble, trouble, trouble. You may love him, but you won't love that.

Good luck
  #3  
Old 08-11-2005, 04:57 PM
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Thank you for your advice
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Old 08-11-2005, 05:00 PM
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I just got married July 8th, and I must say for me it felt good. I was marrying my soulmate and the love of my life. Getting married, while they are down is a personal choice. I have no regrets, I married the man I love and plan to spend the rest of my life with. You dont have to go home and sit do something, I hung out with my family then I went and saw him the next day. A few weekends later a few friends got together and gave me a shower. My mom stood in for my husband and even made me a big beautiful bouquet, I was very happy, I made it special.

Rather you do or dont get married now, it's all up to you. I just know I am happier and happier everyday since becoming his wife.
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Old 08-11-2005, 05:04 PM
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Thank you willsgirl
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Old 08-11-2005, 05:06 PM
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Your welcome, whatever you do, make sure its whats right for you, and make sure its what you want and you have weighted everything. Marriage is not something to enter into lightly.
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  #7  
Old 08-11-2005, 05:09 PM
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Yes this I know thats why Im seeking advice.. Him and I have known eachother a long time but have only been together since february and we have always talked about marriage, I do believe he is my soulmate but Im just scared..its going to be a hard choice for me.
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Old 08-11-2005, 05:17 PM
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I was planning to get married once too, had the rings, the date and the chaplain all lined up. I didn't feel right about it, but I figured if he was out, I would've married him in a heartbeat.
Marriage is a huge commitment and to add that to the "prison" relationship could make it difficult. If you truly love him and are committed, then don't try to reason it out.
You can always renew the vows on the outside.

But if you find you're doing it for convenience or anything other than being committed to the marriage, then the wedding can wait. For when you're ready.

I read about girls rushing into the marriage thing and in most cases they've never even known their man on the street. That scares the heck out of me. The wedding is one day and yes it will hurt to go home alone, celebrate alone, but the marriage is a long commitment. Make sure you're confident in every way.

Good luck
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Old 08-11-2005, 05:22 PM
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Dont rush it, if its meant to be it will be.
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  #10  
Old 08-11-2005, 05:23 PM
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Thank you so much, I need all the advice I can get right now. I just talked to him on the phone and he feels like I dont want to marry him and thats not it at all. I just dont know how I feel about marrying him while hes in there. I mean we havent lived together before, I am sure things are going to be alot different when he gets out and he says they are not. Hes like "we can have a huge wedding when I come home, I promise baby" I just dont know its so confusing.
  #11  
Old 08-11-2005, 06:07 PM
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ok people I need more voting to happen and more advice..please
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Old 08-11-2005, 07:36 PM
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As long as you have doubts, follow your gut instincts and WAIT. Yes, he wants you to visit and that's one reason why he's pushing. He has nothing else right now so wants you to be there. He may also feel a bit insecure thinking that you might meet some other man and forget about him. Being married may make him feel more secure but that isn't going to make the marriage work and last forever!

If you can't visit him right now, write to him daily and assure him that you are there for him, that you love him, etc. If he's mature and if he truly loves you, he will at least try to understand and will wait. From what you've said, he doesn't have a good track record. One more reason to wait.

Last edited by Doc's Sis; 08-11-2005 at 07:38 PM..
  #13  
Old 08-11-2005, 08:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Doc's Sis
As long as you have doubts, follow your gut instincts and WAIT.
I second that!!!

When my husband first asked me I wanted to marry him, but not there. It took me two years before I was ready, but when we got married I didnt ever once look back and ask "did I do the right thing". Had I got married when he first asked then there would have always been that question sitting on my shoulder and that is no way to go into a marriage.

If I read your thread right he is only getting his visitng taken away for 30 days. If that is the case then that is even more reason NOT to do it. May/June of next year will be here before you know it and IMO its worth the wait to have the wedding you want. Not only that, but it will be so much better to get married and have him home that night. If you had years to wait then it would be another thing.

Something else to think about is MOST (if not all) prisons require you to be on the visiting list in order to get married. If he cant visit with you then there is a chance he cant marry you either
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Old 08-11-2005, 08:24 PM
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well he loses his visits for 30 days but then he gets them back but only immediate family can come see him, so thats a reason I think hes pushing getting married so we dont have to go 9 months without seeing eachother
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Old 08-11-2005, 08:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jamarisgurl
well he loses his visits for 30 days but then he gets them back but only immediate family can come see him, so thats a reason I think hes pushing getting married so we dont have to go 9 months without seeing eachother
I went for a year without seeing my husband before we were married. I will be the first to say its not easy, but if your love is strong then you will make it.

I strongly advise not doing something because you feel you have to. Do it because you want to. Even at that you may not be able to because you wont be on his visiting list any longer. Before you make a decision you need to check into that. It would really suck if you talked yourself into wanting to get married now only to be let down because you cant
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Old 08-12-2005, 04:30 AM
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Ok thanks, I am going to see him sunday and I will talk to him about it. I never thought about that.
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Old 08-12-2005, 04:46 AM
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Ok everyone I am off for the day to work, read my thread and please gimme some advice..I would like some advice to read when I come home, Im beating my head apart with this.
  #18  
Old 08-12-2005, 08:42 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jamarisgurl
Ok everyone I am off for the day to work, read my thread and please gimme some advice..I would like some advice to read when I come home, Im beating my head apart with this.
The wrong decision will be the hardest to make, but the right one will be easy.
  #19  
Old 08-12-2005, 11:01 AM
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I agree with everything TNC said.
I also went 6-12 months a few times without seeing my husband. We made it. If your love is strong, you'll make it too. If it's not, it may be a blessing in disguise.
I think marrying because you'll be able to visit is a bad idea. If you decide to marry, it should be because you want to spend the rest of your life as his wife. You must first trust and believe in him 100%.
Marriage is a huge commitment, not just a "hall pass". Do what's right for YOU!

Last edited by one_luv; 08-12-2005 at 11:04 AM..
  #20  
Old 08-19-2005, 06:49 PM
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I married my husband, in custody, after knowing him for a total of 8 weeks. Did I find out a LOT of stuff I didn't know? Sure did! Was it all good? No way! Am I sorry I did it? Not for one single minute. I'm older though and married before. I have no young children and we will have none. I have a job I've had for 7 years. I am stable, emotionally and financially. All those things make it easier for me to handle the problems and issues that come up. And in California, a no fault divorce is always an option, and with no kids or community property, pretty easily accomplished. It was really hard to leave without him after our wedding, and since we had only glass visits, I couldn't even hear his vows. Is that how I wanted it to be? Of course not. But it gave both of us a sense of completeness, a real sign of our committment to each other. I can't say do it, but I'll say, don't be afraid to.
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  #21  
Old 08-19-2005, 07:04 PM
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Don't marry for the wrong reasons...good luck.
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Old 08-19-2005, 08:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by one_luv
I think marrying because you'll be able to visit is a bad idea. If you decide to marry, it should be because you want to spend the rest of your life as his wife. You must first trust and believe in him 100%.
Marriage is a huge commitment, not just a "hall pass". Do what's right for YOU!
I have to agree 100%. Looking ahead what does your future look like with this man past the 9 months and the visits?

If he's pushing because of any other reason than love I know I'd be kinda scared.

Good Luck!!!
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  #23  
Old 08-19-2005, 09:09 PM
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wait unless you are 100% sure! you're young. you have nothing but time. wait and see how he makes his life in the free world. if you're soulmates, you will have the rest of your very long life for your marriage

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  #24  
Old 08-26-2005, 07:26 PM
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I'm another one that is waiting... Chris and I have been together for three years and engaged since January. He's been in since March and I haven't seen him. We exist on phone calls and letters. I love him with everything I am, but I don't want to marry him in prison. You owe it to yourself to think long and hard about what YOU want in this situation.
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Old 08-26-2005, 07:39 PM
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Exclamation If you have to wonder, don't do it!

The first time I got married, we had started to argue over stuff, and I thought that getting married would fix it, so I called off the wedding we were planning and we flew to Vegas and got married. BIG, HUGE, MISTAKE!!!!! I knew almost immediately after the wedding that I should not have rushed into it, and within a year it fell apart. After I met my husband, we had only known each other for 2 months when he ran to CA to keep from getting locked up. I knew then and there that he was the one, and I loved him no matter the situation. I left behind everything that wouldn't fit in the car, and took my daughter and drove 2000 miles to be with him. I married him shortly after, but even if he had been locked up instead of running, I would have married him, even if that meant while he was in prison. The thing is, when it's right, you just know. If you have to think about it and wonder that much, it's probably better to wait. Don't feel pushed into doing it, or you will end up resenting that. You'll always be thinking, well, I could have had my dream wedding...but he pushed me to do it his way... and that won't do anything good for the relationship either. Best of luck with your decision!
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