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  #1  
Old 11-02-2007, 08:48 PM
Wobabi Wobabi is offline
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Question Do you allow him privacy?

I been wondering ,,,do you ladies allow your men to have somethings to themselves or do you expect him to tell you everything?
I see a lot of ladies saying there is a need for them as couples to reveal every single aspect of their lives to each other.
Me, I find that different. I want Boo to have his private thoughts or situations. If he chooses to reveal on his own ok,,but overall I know that he needs some things to be his own and me the same. Some things I just don't think my man has a reason to know and some of his private thoughts I want him to be ok having.
What say you? And if you say you want to know it all,,how do you know you are being told all?
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Old 11-02-2007, 08:54 PM
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What say you? And if you say you want to know it all,,how do you know you are being told all?[/quote]

That is so true! I don't expect him to tell me everything and there are alot of things I intentionally leave out..But as long as he's okay and he lets me know that he's okay I guess I'm good w/that knowledge. He has to have some things that he keeps to himself or else I think it might or could question his manhood. I just want him to be comfortable in knowing that if he wants to talk that I'm hear to listen!
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Old 11-02-2007, 08:54 PM
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id like to know as much as hes willing to share. i couldnt know if its everything or not, but theres no way i could share every detail of every day with him. sure some things dont get mentioned, but thats alright. i enjoy learnin things about him that i didnt know before.
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Old 11-02-2007, 08:58 PM
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I dont think its a requirement for him to tell me everything hes thinking. Hes alot like I am and has tendency to have alot thoughts about alot of things and I dont share everything thats going on in my head since Im not sure there thoughts anyone cares about. As far as he goes hes not required to tell me if he chooses to thats great if he doesnt thats ok to and I know not to take it personally. I sometimes think there are some things that he wouldnt care about so I dont tell him like I found a cute pair of earrings for cheap or random work stuff thats happening. Im not not sure you really know your being told all even if you claim your telling each other everything. I guess it depends on what u feel comfortable with and the thoughts he is sharing with you how they make you feel. But guys locked up have LOTS of time to think do u really want to know every random thought that pops into there heads 24 hours a day??? Thats alot of thoughts and I dont think anybody has enough time to discuss all that.
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Old 11-02-2007, 08:59 PM
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We just share. I don't ever give him the 3rd degree to make sure every fleeting thought is shared with me. If I ask him what's up, he tells me. If he asks me anything, I tell him. I trust him, that's how I know he is being open with me.
We are only allowed four 20-minute calls a month, so I am not trying to waste time on interrogations. Ya know?
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Old 11-02-2007, 09:05 PM
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I agree that I dont give him the third degree, but he sure does it to me!

Ya know... that is a really good point.(that you dont know if you are hearing it all) There also may not be a lot of things that he needs to tell you about while in there. But what is he expects you to tell him everything. My man has children with his ex... and when he asks me if I have seen her anywhere in town(she is the reason he is in jail) I wont lie, but if he asks if the kids are with her, I will tell him no, cause even though I know he wants to know, I know it would hurt him to hear I got to see the kids and he didnt. So, what if he presses and doesnt wanna allow you privacy??

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Old 11-02-2007, 09:20 PM
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I totally agree, why waste your phone time trying to get out the little details. After dealing with several years of hubby's Iraq PTSD I know that if I dont push an issue he will tell me all I need to know. I think the key is that sometimes you dont need to know everything. We dont tell "white lies" or cover up stories but we never dig for details. I am sure that I am being told everything that I need to know. And I have found that in due time I will know almost everything there is to know about a situation anyway.
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Old 11-02-2007, 09:23 PM
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D,,I truly understand what you are saying and asking,,,if he presses,,women know how to talk and it seems you handle it well,,I hope things get better with his kids because being in jail I know it really hurts them to the core when they dont hear or see anything about their children,,Boo's birthday just passed and I killed me to not ask if he kids sent him a birthday card,,I finally asked and the answer was still the same as always,,no
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Old 11-02-2007, 09:26 PM
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it's almost impossible to share EVERYTHING with those you love... there are just too many thoughts/feelings/experiences in one day to cover it all. that's reality... so, no, i don't expect for him to share everything with me... but i definitely want him to share the highs and lows, the things that are important. We have a very open communication and We keep it real no matter what the topic or issue, so We don't keep things from each other. i'm a naturally inquisitive person so i ask lots of questions, not to give him the third degree, but to provide context, and i also give a fair amount of detail when i'm sharing a story (sometimes too much detail for him LOL) for the same reason.

there are lots of things he will never share with me because of his loyalty to others, and i'm cool with that. if i were to ask him anything that he felt uncomfortable answering or felt it was too "private," he would let me know. all i can do is respect it because i know if he doesn't want to share something with me, it's for a very good reason.
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Old 11-02-2007, 09:33 PM
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Sarah-I always wonder about the military wives,,I think there are a lot of similarities with prison wifey's,,the ditance, the fear. Like I would be thinking I gotta remember to tell him xyz in case,,,
NewAfrikah- I never even thought about his sworn secrecies,,in which I know he got plenty,,Hmm might wanna stay in the dark for sure on some of those
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Old 11-02-2007, 09:44 PM
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funny we were talking about this subject yesterday. he tells me we can share every last detail. I said it was human nature to have our own set of secrets and privacy.
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Old 11-02-2007, 09:59 PM
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It's funny we share so much whether he's in or out of prison and yet there are things we forget to tell one another and so there are times when either he or I will say "remember when blah blah blah..." and the other will say " you never told me that" and it's just that way cuz yanno life intervenes. I don't worry about this subject at all.

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  #13  
Old 11-02-2007, 10:28 PM
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we are really open about anything with each other. I mean if something is bothering him, he's going to tell me and know that I'm not going to go sharing it with whomever I want. same the other way around . I know he isn't going to go sharing my thoughts and things I've said to other people. We just tell each other what we think is important. And we talk about little details of the day if we want. When he's home, we're hardly ever apart and when we are, the phone is attached to our ear and shoulder. If there are private thoughts that he doesn't want to share, he doesn't have to and I don't expect him to, but a majority of the time, he talks to me about everything cuz he's not only my love, he's my best friend.
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Old 11-02-2007, 10:35 PM
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Hell naw I don't give him his privacy!!! lol

after going thru what we did in our past..and even what we did for a few months into this bid...NOPE NADA NEVER...
but hey, he's cool with it...so whatever

and how do I know if he's telling me the truth? I really don't...but he knows for his sake he better..and that even if he doesn't, I have my ways of finding out...I always have...and even now I still do...(my friend's boyfriend is a CO at his prison) lol
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Old 11-02-2007, 11:59 PM
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We've been thru a lot together and I know my fair share of what I need to know. There are things that I don't need to know and probably don't want to know. If there comes a time in the future when he wants to tell me stuff that's fine. But for now, I'm good!
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Old 11-03-2007, 12:08 AM
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Wow, You all have good points. As for me, what I dont know wont hurt me. I would like to know because I feel communication, openess, and honesty is very important. But, do you really want to know everything. At the sake of what? Your trust, relationship. However, I do feel that as a woman there are some things that are best left unsaid.


Unless of course that intuition tells you otherwise, you have to trust. It is just such a critical topic because our past experiences shape our behavior!
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Old 11-03-2007, 01:03 AM
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we pretty much tell each other everything important. everything else either comes up or it doesn't

there have been a few things here and there that sparked a "hey you never told me that before!" from either of us, but nothing so crazy that it was like "WHOA you never told me that before!"

i agree that each person in a relationship needs privacy and space to a point.
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Old 11-03-2007, 01:43 AM
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The only things I expect him to tell me are things that will affect me or our relationship. I don't need to know every little thought process that goes on inside his head. He's like me in that he analyzes things from every single side so if he were to tell me everything he was thinking he'd be talking until the cows come home. Also we're both old enough to have adventurous pasts and there's no way that either of us will remember everything we've done until something sparks a memory and one of us will say, "hey did I ever tell you about...?"
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Old 11-03-2007, 02:07 AM
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nah, can't share each and every thought! that's craziness. but we are definitely open. if i ask he will tell, and vice versa. we talk A LOT. about any topic. because no matter where the conversation goes, we both know where we stand and if we are grown enough to ask tough questions, we are grown enough to get tough answers... it's all perspective i guess.

of course he has private thoughts. as do i. i have private journals, and he has had them... and i totally would not even read it if it were open. i'd close it and put it on his dresser. that is a respect issue. cell phone, address book. e-mail, slip of paper in his pocket... nope. i put it on the dresser and leave it be. same here. because he KNOWS it's gonna be a grocery list... or some band mom who needs a hand with uniforms... and same here. if there is an issue- it comes up way before the phone numbers and secret text messages. no time for that. that was our last relationshiTs. we are on a whole new level of understanding... the bond between man, woman and child...

we are each other's confidantes though, and he gets my most private, and vice versa. and that is a TRUST issue. the two kind of mix. i don't trust anyone else with my deepest, most raw feelings, emotions... he has done the same. we don't have lots of friends hanging around, and we are not very deep with either side of our families. it's really just the 3 of us. i guess we are a cult! lol.
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Old 11-03-2007, 02:12 AM
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I am not one who believes you should tell everything either.

If I ask something about prison politics, I pretty much always get "you dont need to know that".

He has been very truthful on his past crimes. I read his transcripts (he sent them).

We were broken up for a while and when we got back together I told him I was an open book, if he wanted to know anything all he had to do is ask and i would tell him the complete truth. All he wanted to know about was sex. Imagine that....
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Old 11-03-2007, 05:36 AM
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It's impossible to know EVERY thought. What we have agreed to LONG ago is to share thoughts and feelings pertinent to our relationship for the good and the bad. The check system on that is, "tell me if you have thoughts or feelings that you would want to know if the situation was reversed." We can never be guaranteed to know if the other is telling every single thing but that is where the trust comes into play.
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Old 11-03-2007, 08:12 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hvensnt2u
Hell naw I don't give him his privacy!!! lol

after going thru what we did in our past..and even what we did for a few months into this bid...NOPE NADA NEVER...
but hey, he's cool with it...so whatever

and how do I know if he's telling me the truth? I really don't...but he knows for his sake he better..and that even if he doesn't, I have my ways of finding out...I always have...and even now I still do...(my friend's boyfriend is a CO at his prison) lol
Well,,Its not about telling the truth about what he does tell you,,but how do you know he is telling you everything?
And do you feel more secure thinking you know his every thought because of what happened in the past?
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  #23  
Old 11-03-2007, 08:22 AM
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Nah I dont need to know everything ...and I sure dont tell him everything. I dont think thats realistic to expect to know every detail of a persons life....there are things I dont tell not only because IT AINT HIS BUSINESS it involves others as well as myself therefore if I choose to tell him Im not only telling my business but someone elses.
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Old 11-03-2007, 08:50 AM
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He has his privacy. I am perfectly aware that I dont know everything and its fine with me.
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Old 11-03-2007, 09:06 AM
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Courtney always stresses that we should know everything about each other and i am the one who questions that. As I said in another post, I was foolish enough to believe him. Quickly after his declaration, I was mentioning a casual conversation between me and a male friend, he went nuts. So I take Wobabi's advice wholeheartedly and I will be careful as to what I tell him. Now the problem is, I told him that! I now think I should've told him that I think he couldn't handle everything I do out here, even if it's innocent. I should have just acted on my newfound enlightenment. Loose lips sink ships! How do you learn to curb outspokenness in a situation such as this? Are there some proven taboo subjects that I need to know?
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