Grieving the Living

omahasmama · #1 10-29-2017, 09:04 AM

I drove my dad to prison where he surrendered himself for a 14 year sentence for a crime he did not commit. He is 70 years old, two time cancer survivor, 100% pacemaker dependent, diabetic and numerous other medical issues. The day I left him there I drove the 6.5 hour drive home to my mother. I stayed with her for a little while and told her I would see her tomorrow. My mother was confined to a power chair as she was a cancer survivor and had several strokes and brain hematomas. She was in her right mind and very sharp. I got home and told my husband that was the worst day of my life. NEVER say that before midnight. At 11:39 pm I got a call from the assisted living facility I had moved my mom in to 3 days prior since her caregiver was going away. My mother had apparently suffered a massive heart attack and was gone. I lost both parents within a 12 hour time frame. I know my mother is at peace and I honestly do not grieve for her. She can walk and dance again. She doesn't have to feel the pain of this world and this prison journey. My grief is with him because I cannot help him, get to him, see him when I want (I drive the 6.5 hour trip once a month). I cannot control his medical care, or lack there of. I grieve him so much that it controls my every thought. I am six months in and praying for an appeal win, but who knows. I wanted to share my story because it is one that not many can understand. I pray for everyone on the outside walking the prison journey. It is the hardest thing I have ever done.

xolady · #2 10-29-2017, 09:28 AM

I am so sorry for all your dealing with and it is grieving. You did lose so much in one fell swoop life as you knew it is over. Take good care of yourself.

MrsDeeKay · #3 10-29-2017, 09:13 PM

Oh my goodness! I am so sorry for your loss. Stay positive for your dad and pray a lot!! It does help!

**GingerM** · #4 10-30-2017, 05:32 AM

Having a loved one go to prison IS grieving. You have experienced a loss - even if that loss is not physical, it is definitely emotional. I would liken it to breaking up with a boyfriend - the person is still alive, but our ability to interact with the person is damaged.

I'm glad your Mom's passing has brought you a measure of comfort. I know exactly what you mean about your Dad's situation. I felt the same way. I found that modifying some of the "things that may help" that I found on various pages about death and grieving actually helped me a little bit through my process. A little bit, but not much. And every time I'd go visit, it would start all over again.

Especially when the person is older and has medical issues to begin with, the process of "losing" someone to incarceration is every bit as bad as losing them to death. I had a much easier time coping with his death than I did coping with his incarceration.

Thank you for bringing this up, I think it often gets overlooked in the details. It IS grieving. And it IS a loss.

My heart goes out to you.

**sidewalker** · #5 10-30-2017, 08:52 AM

I just wanted to add that Im so sorry you are dealing with this loss of both parents. One to prison and the other to passing away.
Very difficult.
(((hugs)))

careyon · #6 11-05-2017, 02:38 PM

Wow! I'm so very sorry you're going through all of this. May your mom Sleep In Peace. I'm praying right now for your dad. That God will have mercy on him and draw near to him while in prison. Having a love one in the prison is indeed one of the hardest things to deal with. It's as if you yourself are also serving the prison sentence. Praying God draws near to you both and that you feel his perfect grace in your lives.