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  #1  
Old 04-13-2018, 01:45 AM
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Question How do you console him?

I know it's tough on them. Sometimes more than what they tell us....

So how do you console them without sounding like a robot, or some motivational speaker that they're tired of hearing?


After getting some bad news, I'm a little lost of words to support him. Living so far away, makes it impossible to visit him, which doesn't help the situation either. & I know hes a STRONG one but sometimes I wish I could do more, shield him of all the other drama going on,

Advice....
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Old 04-13-2018, 02:41 AM
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Guess it kinda depends on the person, not everyone can be consoled in the same way, but i usually listen, tell him what I think, try to get him to focus on the good things and everything he achieved so far, I send him things that make him laugh and just generally tell him how much I love him and list all his virtues and what I like about him, he never gets tired of that :P
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Old 04-13-2018, 03:08 AM
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We just talk about what's bothering him or making him feel bad & I'm trying to be understanding.
BUT my situation seems to be a bit different, he's been in for so long, he's seen, felt and experienced it all from what I've heard. He seems so even-keeled and relaxed and happy. Which makes me relaxed and happy
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Old 04-13-2018, 05:11 AM
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It depends on him because obviously everyone handles things different. If you know him well enough you know how to handle things. My husband tells me all the time if not for me he wouldn't be as positive as he is. He thanks me everyday especially when he's a little down for bringing him back up and keeping him in on the right track. It comes natural for us because we've been together over eight years most on the outside so we know each other pretty well. I hope you can get him feeling better.
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Old 04-13-2018, 05:15 AM
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Some days you can and some days you can't. It is like a roller coaster of emotions. Keeping your head together is most important because you cannot support him if you are all frazzled.

It becomes a vicious cycle. Send upbeat mail. Tell him you'll figure it all out as the days pass. Try not to get too ahead of yourself while focusing on plans and dreams.
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Old 04-14-2018, 05:07 PM
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My husband loves music, planning our future together, etc. It ALWAYS cheers him up. When heís having a particularly rough time I send him pictures of potential furniture, or a great country song, or random silly pictures of me. Sometimes just effort can do a lot!
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Old 04-14-2018, 05:29 PM
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Travis is the most upbeat / happy person Iíve ever met. I thought I was the most positive but he really is. I know sometimes I ďfake itĒ & Iíve told him he can vent to me/ lean on me & be mad or sad. Heís been thrown some BS especially lately but heís still positive , always looking to the future. He says me sending him emails, pictures of JPay is how he starts his day, getting regular mail & ours calls keep him going. Iím so happy I found him. ♥️
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Old 04-15-2018, 01:09 PM
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Itís hard. Chump Chump has a tough exterior. He joined a gang as a teen and had a bad childhood so itís hard to get him to soften up. Letting him know I love him though it all, visiting him and writing him seem to help. Heís been non contact for the last 3 years so the next time I see him Iíll get to hug him.
Also making plans for the future tend to put a smile on his face.

He recently told me when he talks to me or sees me heís at peace.
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Old 04-16-2018, 02:04 AM
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That's exactly how mine is too. Showing his emotions really isn't his strong point but I do soften him up ALOT.


Hope you get to enjoy your contact visit


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Originally Posted by LoveChumpChump View Post
Itís hard. Chump Chump has a tough exterior. He joined a gang as a teen and had a bad childhood so itís hard to get him to soften up. Letting him know I love him though it all, visiting him and writing him seem to help. Heís been non contact for the last 3 years so the next time I see him Iíll get to hug him.
Also making plans for the future tend to put a smile on his face.

He recently told me when he talks to me or sees me heís at peace.
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Old 04-17-2018, 04:34 PM
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My guy loves jokes so whenever he calls I’ll end the call with a joke.
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Old 04-17-2018, 08:22 PM
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I just sent mine open when letters. Can't sleep, angry, lonely, etc
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Old 04-21-2018, 10:31 PM
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Quote:
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I just sent mine open when letters. Can't sleep, angry, lonely, etc
Love this idea
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Old 04-22-2018, 06:08 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by onedayatatime13 View Post
I just sent mine open when letters. Can't sleep, angry, lonely, etc
I did this too. Then he opened them all at once! haha!
Apparently he was feeling all of the emotions listed on the envelopes all at once
Youíd think after doing around 14yrs at the time, heíd have learnt some patience! El Doucheo
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Old 04-22-2018, 02:01 PM
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So mine just went back to jail (awaiting a prison placement) after having been out in halfway house for 6 months. He has ADD (unfortunately undiagnosed but very evident) and didn't really do anything BAD- he was just late on or forgot he had assignments. Also, due to the nature of his crime (committed in 2002) his therapist and parole officer REALLY did not feel like giving him a fair chance when he got into the halfway house. Before our contact was cut in October, he told me that this "therapist" believed that he NEVER should have gotten out and that she WOULD NOT REST until he was back in prison.

So he's been dejected this week, and I told him that this was NOT his fault- they had it in for him from the beginning, and that they couldn't find anything in six months that was ILLEGAL to send him back for, so they decided to throw him back for something that's literally stupid, especially considering he had already covered all that material in therapy BEFORE he left prison.

Yesterday he was frantic and basically said that he'd failed me and that maybe he should just let me go. I lost it. I've never sworn at him before, but I basically said "Don't you F***ing ever say that to me again!" Then I reminded him of what I said when we got married (in prison,) that I CHOSE him, and I CHOSE to marry him in prison because I wanted him to know that whatever happened, whether he ever got out or not (he's technically a lifer) that I loved him and I chose whatever kind of marriage we could have together regardless of the circumstances.
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Old 04-23-2018, 12:28 PM
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It’s difficult. A lot of them are used to portraying a tough guy image. Then they don’t want to make us stress on them. I think anyone that knows their LO well can tell when their voice and the way they carry themselves betrays them. Things that someone who doesn’t know him probably wouldn’t notice at all. They have down days. Down times of the year. He went down in Oct. then it’s Thanksgiving and then Christmas. So Oct - Dec is usually tougher for him.

I just try to be an ear. Offer advice if I can. It’s tough. You often feel helpless but you help them carry their burdens. Although I do try not to worry him with my own!
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Old 05-06-2018, 07:55 AM
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Thatís horrible. Just goes to show you how the system doesnít take them or is into consideration when making such a rash decisions.

But I see from your countdown heís not too far away!!Good luck, you got this


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So mine just went back to jail (awaiting a prison placement) after having been out in halfway house for 6 months. He has ADD (unfortunately undiagnosed but very evident) and didn't really do anything BAD- he was just late on or forgot he had assignments. Also, due to the nature of his crime (committed in 2002) his therapist and parole officer REALLY did not feel like giving him a fair chance when he got into the halfway house. Before our contact was cut in October, he told me that this "therapist" believed that he NEVER should have gotten out and that she WOULD NOT REST until he was back in prison.

So he's been dejected this week, and I told him that this was NOT his fault- they had it in for him from the beginning, and that they couldn't find anything in six months that was ILLEGAL to send him back for, so they decided to throw him back for something that's literally stupid, especially considering he had already covered all that material in therapy BEFORE he left prison.

Yesterday he was frantic and basically said that he'd failed me and that maybe he should just let me go. I lost it. I've never sworn at him before, but I basically said "Don't you F***ing ever say that to me again!" Then I reminded him of what I said when we got married (in prison,) that I CHOSE him, and I CHOSE to marry him in prison because I wanted him to know that whatever happened, whether he ever got out or not (he's technically a lifer) that I loved him and I chose whatever kind of marriage we could have together regardless of the circumstances.
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Old 05-06-2018, 02:34 PM
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Thatís horrible. Just goes to show you how the system doesnít take them or is into consideration when making such a rash decisions.

But I see from your countdown heís not too far away!!Good luck, you got this
What do you mean? We don't have a countdown. He is in on a 4 year to life. He's been dealing with this for 16 years. My signature is the day we got married. He is sitting in jail awaiting his revocation hearing. Then he will be taken back to DOC most likely, and given a parole hearing setback of 2 years, and not eligible for another community corrections attempt for 5 years.

His parole officer and therapist told him from the beginning that community corrections should not let him out and that they would not rest until he went back to prison. Simply because of what he did 16 years ago in a fugue state.
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Old 05-09-2018, 12:25 AM
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i just sent mine open when letters. Can't sleep, angry, lonely, etc
i am so doing this!!
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Old 05-09-2018, 06:22 AM
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i am so doing this!!
I think i might try this too. I'm just not sure if he would cheat and read em anyways lol
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Old 05-09-2018, 12:21 PM
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I think i might try this too. I'm just not sure if he would cheat and read em anyways lol
Lol maybe but he would still love it I already started writing its fun
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Old 05-09-2018, 07:30 PM
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Lol maybe but he would still love it I already started writing its fun
Mine read them all at once, but know they are there when we can't talk and he is in a mood. It is generally the same thing I repeat on the phone when he is pissed off, etc.

The biggest thing I have to remind him to do at time is just breathe.
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Old 05-09-2018, 10:44 PM
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Mine read them all at once, but know they are there when we can't talk and he is in a mood. It is generally the same thing I repeat on the phone when he is pissed off, etc.

The biggest thing I have to remind him to do at time is just breathe.
I see yes. Always so deep I have to remind myself to breathe also.
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Old 05-09-2018, 10:53 PM
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So..... He just lost his appeal that he spent a shit ton of money on.. My guy was a prominent lawyer in NYC and he is adamant on his innocence and huge errors were made in his case. Since he was convicted of a felony he was also disbarred. A huge part of his identity was in being an attorney..As you can imagine this was a huge blow.. I write him.. I send him sweet letters telling how I am still proud of him and his strength in all this.. I also send him cards on all holidays including random and obscure holidays which he likes.. If he calls and he is down or bummed I try to make him laugh.. This past weekend, when he called I told him I binge watched a you tube series called Cobra Kai that is based off the movie Karate Kid (sooo good BTW watch if you are home and bummed) ...He was cracking up especially when I said , all I wanted was to hear was "Sweep the Leg"...ANYWAY... That's what I do.
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Old 05-09-2018, 11:31 PM
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So..... He just lost his appeal that he spent a shit ton of money on.. My guy was a prominent lawyer in NYC and he is adamant on his innocence and huge errors were made in his case. Since he was convicted of a felony he was also disbarred. A huge part of his identity was in being an attorney..As you can imagine this was a huge blow.. I write him.. I send him sweet letters telling how I am still proud of him and his strength in all this.. I also send him cards on all holidays including random and obscure holidays which he likes.. If he calls and he is down or bummed I try to make him laugh.. This past weekend, when he called I told him I binge watched a you tube series called Cobra Kai that is based off the movie Karate Kid (sooo good BTW watch if you are home and bummed) ...He was cracking up especially when I said , all I wanted was to hear was "Sweep the Leg"...ANYWAY... That's what I do.
I’m so sorry he’s had to go through that bullshit. It is not fair. The system is very broken. No doubt your support means everything to him. Lots of love to you. You are doing all the right things
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Old 05-10-2018, 04:38 PM
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Iím so sorry heís had to go through that bullshit. It is not fair. The system is very broken. No doubt your support means everything to him. Lots of love to you. You are doing all the right things
Thank you! He is saddened by all this and so am I but, at least his release date is in 2 years and he will be out.. Some days it seems like the time is going by fast and other times it drags on..
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