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Husbands & Boyfriends in Prison For everyone who has a husband, boyfriend or male partner incarcerated.

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Old 06-10-2003, 09:19 PM
tamarama tamarama is offline
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Unhappy Confused and worried

Hi everyone,

Thanks for your responses to my earlier questions. This is all so new. The sentence was only given last tuesday, briefly he was suppose to make it thru a year long rehab or else go to prison for 10 years. He didn't make it thru rehab, not because of relapsing but because his feelings and confusion on how to handle himself got him dismissed. We tried but the judge said she gave him the chance and he blew it. So she gave him the 10 years. I get the feeling most of you are waiting patiently for your men to get out so you can pick up and go on with your families. I went through 12 tough years. It wasn't like he was just a normal guy who got messed up, fix it and everything will be fine. I wasn't sure we were going to be Ok even when he was in rehab. He's been calling everynight and he is of course in a total panic, thinks he was set up, that they were never going to let him make it through, etc. He is venting on me and doesn't mean too. I feel like I am going to have a heart attack from the stress and am wondering how long I should let my guilt for the woulda, shouldas keep me locked down in this dispair with him. Like I said this whole affair has been going on for a very long time. I've spent literally thousands and all my retirement and in debt to boot. When do I say enough is enough, when do I say I can't stay locked down in this grief with you any longer. I honestly have never been able to let go before, I wonder how do I do it now. I know you all understand and would be very interested in knowing how you all have dealt with this. Thanks Tammy
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Old 06-11-2003, 09:38 AM
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Flowerchild Flowerchild is offline
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You poor lady, Tamarama. Let me tell you about the three "C"s I learned long ago in Alanon: You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, & you can't Cure it. You have nothing to feel guilty about; he made those choices, not you. And I doubt very seriously that he got kicked out of rehab because of his confusion — most likely it was his attitude & unwillingness to take responsibility (I say that based on his telling you that he was set-up. etc.) I heard an Alanon speaker once say that she might as well have gotten up in the morning & asked her husband, "Well, how do we feel today?"; that's how co-dependent she was. Your husband has to want to change; I know you'll hear that a million times if you haven't already, but so do you if you're going to ever have any peace of mind. You need help in learning how to let go of him & his problems. You'll get a lot of support & understanding on PTO & that's wonderful, but you also need to understand co-dependency & work on changing yourself. Alanon is a real good start & no one will judge you or your situation there; most of them have been through it at least to some extent.

I sincerely hope things look up for you soon. You shouldn't have to live with such anguish.

"…I was in prison and you visited me." — Matthew 25:36
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Old 06-11-2003, 09:41 AM
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I'm agreeing with Adrienne.....Have you attended Al-Anon meetings? They really help if you go on a consistent basis..... Best wishes...


September 10th 2009
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Old 06-11-2003, 02:31 PM
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Amelia Amelia is offline
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Stephen went htrough alot of the same emotions and although he doesnt have a drug problem but he does have a gambling problem. I am waiting patiently but only becasue this is his first time in..I have known Stephen for almost 10 years and about 8 of thoise he has been getting into trouble--probation and such...I understand your frustration totally...PTO has helped alot for me --venting my feelings and all--I also agree about the AlAnon meetings--I am thinking of going myself-there isnt a Gamblers anonymous around here so i figure Al-Anon will basically be the same principles. Lean on us!

I am also going to move this to the Husbands and Boyfriends forum--it will probably get more of a response there!!
Each day we are ONE DAY CLOSER to being together!
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Old 06-12-2003, 01:10 AM
HisAngel HisAngel is offline
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The coulda..woulda..shoulda's...blahs.. I still have them all in some kind of extend daily...for almost 9 mos. now...but like the ladies before me have all expressed...HE made his decision (s)....and it's it so difficult to deal with! As for here...THANKFULLY...(try looking up PRISON MINISTRIES??! FOR YOUR STATE...) in Oregon...we have a group called CURE.... that basis our monthly meetings on AL-ANON... principals like what was said before...maybe picking up a 12-step Al-Anon book/daily affirmation book to help? HOW I KNOW... I AM AND SOOO MANY OF US ARE WITH YOU..! ~ GOD BLESS YOU ~ LUVS~
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Old 06-12-2003, 01:26 AM
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Chevygal55 Chevygal55 is offline

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So sorry you are going thru all these hard times. I think Adrienne gave you some good advise there with her 3 C's! Take care, Good luck, and God Bless~
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