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  #1  
Old 02-03-2011, 03:11 PM
Bella Is Famuz Bella Is Famuz is offline
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Default Come On Really..No Forgiving

For all my MWI folks im curious to know what you would consider your honest ending points in your relationship? Is there a specific something your man could do to make u completely walk away? Is there that horrible act that u just know deep down u couldnt forgive in no way? Everyone is different and Im curious to know your opinion. Ive read some posts where I have to wonder sometimes if the actual poster would do the same on the actual advice that they were giving out.I always try and respond in something that I would do myself. COme on pto ladies lets do some talking.....

I would have to say a cheater. I believe if hes going to be up in there doing all that mess whos going to stop him from doing it on the streets. If hes willing to infact go for whats on the otha side of the fence than he might as well stay over there. I got no time or love for a cheater on any level. I honestly have to say as well that I dont believe I could remain friends with him either because if he wanted to risk our relationship like that he surely dont deserve my friendship.

Also if he was constantly disrespecting me and just chose to basically give up on our relationship and didnt make me smile anymore than I would have to really think long and hard about why i should put up with this. This is aggrivating enough but I refuse to live in constant misery.

Maybe Im harsh but thats meee.

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Old 02-03-2011, 03:18 PM
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There are a few things 1 he cheated; 2 I believe in his innonence and he has always maintained his innonence in what he is incarcerated for; but I also know he was not a little angel either, but if I found out he had any part of what he is incarcerated for and only because that would have ment he lied to me from day one. 3 if he would go back to the kind of life he had prior to incarceration. I love him, but I am living my life like that.
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Old 02-03-2011, 03:31 PM
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Cheating, I think that is going to be a big one for just about anyone. And of course I expect him to treat me in a respectful and loving way, just as I will him. But a big deal breaker for me that some people work with is any sort of drug use, he has always maintained he has never used drugs and if he were to start (or pick up - which then means he's lied to me) once he gets out, I'm not having it.
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Old 02-03-2011, 04:28 PM
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lying, cheating, sneeking, stealing, using ....all of the above
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Old 02-03-2011, 10:13 PM
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The one thing I could never forgive, and he knows this, is cheating. In MY OPINION, cheating is the worse thing he can do to me. Ray doesn't disrespect me, he never calls me names, we rarely argue. I have been cheated on before, and yes, I walked away each and every time. None of those times would even come close to the hurt, disrespect and humiliation I would feel if Ray cheated on me. I never loved them the way I love him. He used to "smirk" at me when I brought this subject up............until about a year ago. I don't know why it finally sank in, but he now knows, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that if I found out he was cheating on me, I would throw his things out in the yard and I would change the locks. I would be done! That is not to say I wouldn't love him for the rest of my life..........NOTHING is going to change the way I feel about him, but I won't continue a relationship with him if he chooses to cheat.
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Old 02-03-2011, 10:21 PM
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I can say I wouldn't leave him if he cheated on me, I wouldn't want him to leave me either...because I couldn't make him regret what he did by making his life miserable up to if and when I ever got over it...
No the thing for me which is a definite is if he hurt one of my children, my grandchild, my elderly father or anybody in my family for that matter...that is incomprehensible to me and I couldn't live with somebody who wasn't good to my family...
But like Temerone said...doesn't mean I wouldn't still love him, I just couldn't live with him...
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Old 02-03-2011, 10:45 PM
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It's easy for people to say "I wouldn't do this or I wouldn't deal with that" but when you are in the situation, it's not always black and white.

*Of course* all these men are going to come out of prison after 5/10/20 years and be perfect angels, right? They will never lie, speak a foul word, look at another chicks ass or go out and do some other imperfect thing.

I expect the unexpected. I can't swear for him and I can't swear for my reaction *if* he were to do something I didn't expect as an abstract theory. Will I leave him if he decides to have a one night stand? I don't know - ask me (IF) after it happens and I'll tell ya.

There are a *lot* of things I find unacceptable in relationships but until a couple goes through things - I don't think it's reasonable to predict the outcome of those theoretical questions.

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Old 02-04-2011, 12:17 AM
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My biggest deal breaker would be to find out that he isn't being honest with me about his intentions with me. If i was to find out he was using me, or lying to me about his feelings for me, ect....i'd get walking.
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Old 02-04-2011, 12:35 AM
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ive walked when ive been cheated on in the past,and never looked back.i love my man way more than i have anyone before,i honestly can say ive told him im gone if he cheats but i dont know if i could.so guess im agreeing with teedots comments on this one
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Old 02-04-2011, 01:41 AM
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Abuse. If I feel that he's being abusive in any way, whether it's physical, verbal or emotional - I'm gone. I spent too many years with a man who took his rage and insecurities out on me. Never again. That is the one thing that I WILL say "never" about, and mean it.
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Old 02-04-2011, 02:03 AM
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I have 2 say cheatin', drugs, & abuse. These are all inacceptible in my booj. Chet knows how strongly I feel on these subjects & he's known from jump. If I can b faithful durin' this bid, he can b faithful after it. Drugs took him from me & our child 2 begin w/ & if he goes back he's once again chosen drugs over his family & so be it. He can lie in the bed that je made. I'll always <3 him, but I refuse 2 say w/ n-e-thing less than what I deserve.
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Old 02-04-2011, 02:21 AM
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I agree with Tee, you can't predict the outcome unless you are put in that situation. I have also found that as my bond with a person trancends to something much deeper, it's very hard to walk away from that person regardless of what they do or don't do. Some relationships can become very deep and there is no escaping them.
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Old 02-04-2011, 05:28 AM
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Cheating would be out for me. I can totally relate to Temeron's post. I wouldn't give any 'ex-con' passes, either. He made vows to me and my feeling would be if you couldn't handle it shouldn't have taken vows. We discussed this issue before we got married and we both feel the same way on this issue, neither one of us would put up with it.
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Old 02-04-2011, 06:24 AM
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As Tee said, it's hard for me also to give a black and white answer to situations that may never happen.

The closest I can come to deal breakers are: lies, abuse (verbal, physical), and drug & alchohol abuse.
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Old 02-04-2011, 07:26 AM
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Mine would be of course disrespecting me (verbally and mentally and also emotionally n physically ) - being in an abusive relationship in the past i am not going to let another man disrespect me ever again so that would be a big "NO NO " with me that I would defiantly be putting my "boots on and be walkin" in no time!! also , him not being 100% truthful to me and me finding out that his "intentions" weren't good with me that he was "using , playing" me - then for sure I'd be out the door.
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Old 02-04-2011, 07:43 AM
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Originally Posted by tee.dot.q View Post
It's easy for people to say "I wouldn't do this or I wouldn't deal with that" but when you are in the situation, it's not always black and white.

*Of course* all these men are going to come out of prison after 5/10/20 years and be perfect angels, right? They will never lie, speak a foul word, look at another chicks ass or go out and do some other imperfect thing.

I expect the unexpected. I can't swear for him and I can't swear for my reaction *if* he were to do something I didn't expect as an abstract theory. Will I leave him if he decides to have a one night stand? I don't know - ask me (IF) after it happens and I'll tell ya.

There are a *lot* of things I find unacceptable in relationships but until a couple goes through things - I don't think it's reasonable to predict the outcome of those theoretical questions.

excellent post.I used to be one who would say,"i would never..."But when you truly love someone,dearly love them it is HARD to just walk away.Cheating is the ONLY thing i couldn't take again.Marc talked to me sometimes in a way i'd tell girls on here to NEVER take.Some of my issues men would never put up with.If you just are in "like"with someone,i think it's EASY to walk away,but when you dearly love someone,been with them for years that love just doesn't die.I do understand the OP's point,however,i think it's easier to say on a message board,"I would never..."but to walk away and never look back,that can be HARD.And just because you've separated,doesn't mean you've stopped loving them,or they you.

ps and your second paragraph is so true,also.they didn't fly into prison as angels so anyone who thinks they are going to fly out as a perfect angel is not living in reality.They may love you to death and still make foolish choices.

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Old 02-04-2011, 08:35 AM
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excellent post.I used to be one who would say,"i would never..."But when you truly love someone,dearly love them it is HARD to just walk away.Cheating is the ONLY thing i couldn't take again.Marc talked to me sometimes in a way i'd tell girls on here to NEVER take.Some of my issues men would never put up with.If you just are in "like"with someone,i think it's EASY to walk away,but when you dearly love someone,been with them for years that love just doesn't die.I do understand the OP's point,however,i think it's easier to say on a message board,"I would never..."but to walk away and never look back,that can be HARD.And just because you've separated,doesn't mean you've stopped loving them,or they you.

ps and your second paragraph is so true,also.they didn't fly into prison as angels so anyone who thinks they are going to fly out as a perfect angel is not living in reality.They may love you to death and still make foolish choices.
It can be really hard to leave someone...sometimes you do it anyway. My ex-husband was a cheater and he got his walking papers, it would break my heart beyond belief to have to do that again with the love of my life but I ain't never made the choice to *not* do something because it is hard.

To be honest I don't really understand the "perfect angels" thing and I see that on here alot. I'm not really sure what that means. None of us is perfect--I got a big old mouth and bless my hubby for putting up with me sometimes, lol.

Here's the thing though...I had engraved on the inside of my hubby's wedding band "love, honor, loyalty" because that is what I give. I don't lie, cheat, or check out another man's butt so yeah, I expect to get what I give, and I don't think that is asking too much. He is not in prison for lying to me or cheating on me so no I don't expect that when he comes out just because he has been in prison. I feel like this, it gets posted alot a man is still a man in prison and can still be loved (same with an ex-con) so to me you get held to the same standard as any man who hasn't been in prison.

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Old 02-04-2011, 09:01 AM
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Okay - I am no SAINT!!!

I have been there done that!

I have not had healthy relationships b/c I chose to do "crap" myself. Heck the last relationship I was in I got together with him while we were both married! Yes I said it - and I am not proud of it and I should have known that when he left me for another woman while I was in prison

But as I have stated before on PTO - I have made mistakes and I believe each "relationship" I have been in has been a very unhealthy relationship. Up until I met my BF when I got out of prison - I have never been good at the relationship thing. I always trying to be someone I wasn't. With him I am who I am - he accepts me for who I am - I am not perfect - I have made so many bad judgment calls and I have paid the ultimate price for some of those "bad judgment calls"

Today I stand tall - I am healthy - both physically and emotionally and b/c of that I am in a relationship that is positive and healthy. I believe we bring into our relationships what we want to get out of them - so with that said as long as I am open, honest and trusty worthy than I deserve to be happy....

For so long I was dishonest, liar, cheater, non-trustworthy...just plain Yuck!!!!!

Life is wonderful today and everyday of freedom is a wonderful blessing and to have this wonderful healthy relationship is awesome!

As they said in our Therapuetic Program - "Thanks for letting me share"
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Old 02-04-2011, 10:23 PM
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Okay - I am no SAINT!!!

I have been there done that!

I have not had healthy relationships b/c I chose to do "crap" myself. Heck the last relationship I was in I got together with him while we were both married! Yes I said it - and I am not proud of it and I should have known that when he left me for another woman while I was in prison

But as I have stated before on PTO - I have made mistakes and I believe each "relationship" I have been in has been a very unhealthy relationship. Up until I met my BF when I got out of prison - I have never been good at the relationship thing. I always trying to be someone I wasn't. With him I am who I am - he accepts me for who I am - I am not perfect - I have made so many bad judgment calls and I have paid the ultimate price for some of those "bad judgment calls"

Today I stand tall - I am healthy - both physically and emotionally and b/c of that I am in a relationship that is positive and healthy. I believe we bring into our relationships what we want to get out of them - so with that said as long as I am open, honest and trusty worthy than I deserve to be happy....

For so long I was dishonest, liar, cheater, non-trustworthy...just plain Yuck!!!!!

Life is wonderful today and everyday of freedom is a wonderful blessing and to have this wonderful healthy relationship is awesome!

As they said in our Therapuetic Program - "Thanks for letting me share"
BEAUTIFUL post!!!Thank YOU for sharing....
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Old 02-05-2011, 09:42 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tee.dot.q View Post
It's easy for people to say "I wouldn't do this or I wouldn't deal with that" but when you are in the situation, it's not always black and white.

*Of course* all these men are going to come out of prison after 5/10/20 years and be perfect angels, right? They will never lie, speak a foul word, look at another chicks ass or go out and do some other imperfect thing.

I expect the unexpected. I can't swear for him and I can't swear for my reaction *if* he were to do something I didn't expect as an abstract theory. Will I leave him if he decides to have a one night stand? I don't know - ask me (IF) after it happens and I'll tell ya.

There are a *lot* of things I find unacceptable in relationships but until a couple goes through things - I don't think it's reasonable to predict the outcome of those theoretical questions.

tee.dot.q, i really couldnt agree with you more. it sounds like fantasy island sometimes. not all but many men in prison especially those that have been down, 5, 10, 20years or more are being
conditioned ( INSTITUTIONALIZED) to behave in a way that is contrary to what is acceptable out here. thats why i think so many relationships may end after they are released because i think its hard to say exactly what issue is gonna come about. one thing is for sure many of these men are coming home and need patience, and a little mercy after being behind that gate. i am all for setting boundaries. i am not saying go along with a man hitting you, cursing you out everyday, sleeping around, etc. but its not all so black and white.
communication is very important but being that i sometimes say or do things i regret, i expect that we will both need to be patient with each other. one thing is i am not going to be a man's mommy, warden or probation officer.
i will do my best to be supportive and mature but all i can say i plan on moving very slow and giving him alot of space.
we are not married so he doesnt have to live with me upon release.
i am not suggesting anyone be a doormat, but i kind of expect a man after 20 years down to actually look at another chicks's ass , not to be doing it all disrespectful in front of his lady, (although i suppose that could happen also) but hey come on, im not stressing petty shit like that!
i know i have much more serious things to worry about.
some of these men are exposed to such horrors and stress we cant even imagine, but they are. just the little bit i know my man has seen and experienced i know i would had to be heavily sedated. some of these guys are coming out as if they been on a combat zone on the front lines fighting for they life, watching the guys around them either go insane, committ suicide, be murdered, stabbed, raped, or be so numb and detached its the only way they can make it through to come home.
every situation is different but i can guarantee that for some of us the waiting for them isnt the hardest part. yes i do have my deal breakers in mind, but im also continuing to expect the unexpected because only God knows what we'll be up against. i have really started praying for us both. please ladies" you cant always see everything behind that gate and they do try to keep a strength for us!
some are truly broken more than we know and sometimes love is not enough. i am someone, that believes my love cant fix anyone. only a higher power can do that. sometimes i dont think some ladies realize the added pressure they are putting on these men to be a super hero. although i know that there are some situations where you have no choice to walk away maybe other relationships could have worked if expectations are more realistic?

sometimes i think we need to look at the bigger picture and ask ourself when he makes some mistakes can we work through it? if not perhaps a man in prison isnt the best choice of mate.
i read some of these posts and it sounds like sleeping beauty waiting to be woken upby her prince!! he may be a prince or king in our eyes but dont live in a fairy tale! im sure you'll need to have forgiveness, love, patience, maturity, understanding and God with most of these men and EVEN then it still may not work, but you know what ? you"ll have a much better chance especially if you are more prepared and realistic.
see me and my man truly love each other, we have both been thru a real lot, so we know a little of what we are dealing with and both working on ourselves as best as we can. and then who knows....

just some food for thought ladies keep your heads up
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Old 02-05-2011, 09:49 AM
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There are 2 deal breakers for me: cheating and abuse. My ex husband cheated and I left because if you can sleep with someone one time I will not sit and wait for you to do it again. Also I have been abused and I refuse to live that life again. With those two things there is no love there it is simply a control thing. JMO
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Old 02-06-2011, 08:41 AM
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I don't really advise on if its something I personally have not dealt with myself, but i feel the same when some advise is given, I may take some with a pinch of salt. If it looks like I've just come wading in and said all the hell no's I would never let him treat me like that, its because I do give R a boot up his ass & I DO keep him in check & make my boundaries clear to him, I don't give him a break & allow certain behaviours to slide, call me a harsh b*tch if u want, but that works for me & mine. I've dealt with verbal abuse & made him real sorry for it, will I actually deal with it again !! No I will not so there would be my deal breaker if he puts his toe over the line again.
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Old 02-07-2011, 08:50 AM
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Lied about his past drug/alcohol history which became his present drug/ alcohol use which became robbery which became incarceration again... which became "goodbye" because he didn't take his addiction issues seriously enough...even after being locked up again.
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