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Old 01-08-2012, 04:57 AM
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Default Forgiving....yourself?

Some of you here may know that 2 1/2 years ago I converted to Islam. I love being a Muslim! One of the things I have struggled with, however, is forgiveness....not of others, but of myself.

I know many Christian denominations believe that when you're baptized, your slate is wiped clean, so-to-speak....any sin you committed before that is forgiven by God. Likewise, in Islam, we believe that once you take shahadah (saying the proclamation of faith to become Muslim), your slate is wiped clean.

I've done some things in my past, long before I was Muslim, that I am not proud of. To this day, I often find myself using those things to put myself down and basically punish myself with. It breaks m'loves heart when he hears/reads these things (because I share everything with him). He's once pointed out that by not forgiving myself is like basically telling God that He doesn't know what He's doing, since He's forgiven me when I became Muslim, which in turn is like saying I know more than God (this is what we call, in Islam, "shirk"...basically putting something above God, or associating partners with Him, etc). Recently in a letter he said, "My love, I cannot give you forgiveness, and Allah has already forgiven you by making you Muslim. You are totally responsible for giving yourself forgiveness."

But, I struggle with this soooooo much. I know he's right, and I do believe that Allah forgives when one becomes Muslim....but, I still can't seem to forgive myself. *sigh* I know I need to.....somehow....but, honestly, I don't even know how to or where to start.

So, my question is.....have you ever had to forgive yourself for something? And if so, how did you do this??

Thanks.
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Old 01-08-2012, 06:11 AM
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Yes I have. I tried therapy for awhile, talked about it with friends, family, my husband, but honestly.... at least in my opinion.... "talking about it" only does so much. Talking about it is sometimes overrated, at least for me it was.

The only way it worked for me was to find out what it (this thing I needed to forgive myself) did to contribute to my personality as it is today. How had it made me into the person I am today. Then I had to decide to love myself as I am and therefore, this one thing that helped make me who I am, I must love as well. If you love yourself (not the narcissistic type of self love, you know what I mean) it's easy to forgive yourself. If you have respect for the way you have learned from your life experiences you can love and forgive yourself.

To me, how you rearrange these things in your mind is the key.
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Old 01-08-2012, 06:11 AM
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Yes, I've had to forgive myself before and it was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'm not sure I could have done it without the help of my love at the time. I basically used the same thinking as you mentioned. I just kept telling myself if God can forgive me, then I certainly can. I had to tell my love many times out loud what I felt about myself that made me feel unworthy of forgiveness. Then I'd tell him that I accept that I'm human and make mistakes and that I truly believe God has forgiven me. It was a process and took some time but eventually I really did forgive myself. I got to the point where I said it out loud. When I look back now, I just try to learn from my mistakes and then I look forward again. Not sure this will help but I hope you find your peace.
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Old 01-09-2012, 08:26 AM
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my first true lesson on forgiveness came just a few months after accepting Jesus into my life. all the kids were gone playing, my husband had fallen asleep in his chair, I sat reading the Word. I heard the audible voice of God speak to me. He said, forgive A. well, being a new Christian I argued ''me..forgive him? he did this and this and and and....'' *now I need to say that A is my ex. he has done a lot of horrible things in his past - not to me but to me thru the kids knowing how it would hurt me. I hated him and tried to think of horrible deaths for him. I was pretty dark inside.* anyhow, God reminded me of all the terrible things I had been thinking for yrs. then He told me to look where I was reading. In the Word He says '' if we forgive others, than He will forgive us and if we dont He cant forgive us (my paraphrase). so I thought a couple lines of 'lets be friends for the kids sake' but 3 pages later I was sobbing. when all said and done, the Lord cleaned all that hate out of me.
now I know this isnt what you asked about.... sorry for the length, I am getting there....
my son that is in prison... my x had for most of his life from babyhood. he took him and got custody. kept me away for 17 yrs. when he turned 18 and hated his 'father' so much his brothers convinced him to come here and give us a chance. it took another 15 yr before we could get past all the hurt x caused and start building a mother son relationship. he is now in prison for a very long time. I believe that if I had been aware of what my x was like and doing, I would not have allowed things to happen w/o a fight. I blame myself for my son and his prison and such. he on the other hand does not blame me. and he loves his step father as a father.
I struggled a long time bearing this guilt. I finally went to my knees and asked the Lord to please remove it. and He has. yes I still feel sad for my son, but I know that even then with everything that happened to him, Jesus was there w/him and was protecting him. my son accepted the Lord and lives his life as best he can inside those walls. I am proud of my son.
when God forgives, He takes it as far from the east and west, never does it meet again. it is gone.
I am far from perfect, but I know in Him I stand clean and complete.
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Old 01-10-2012, 06:04 PM
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He'smyforever,just be patient with yourself and continue to make duas to Allah for help,and continue to strive to be obedient to Allah and Insha Allah things will be taken care of in time.Trust me on this.
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Old 01-10-2012, 07:14 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sheyanne View Post
He'smyforever,just be patient with yourself and continue to make duas to Allah for help,and continue to strive to be obedient to Allah and Insha Allah things will be taken care of in time.Trust me on this.
Jazak'Allahu khairn for your words of encouragement sis.

Thank you everyone that has replied thus far on this thread.
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It extends beyond the borders of forever into the depths of infinity.
I love you this and much more."
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Finally, happily married to m'love: 1/25/13.

Jeg lærer dansk (for et år) og norsk (for ti uger).

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Old 01-10-2012, 07:50 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HesMyForever View Post
Jazak'Allahu khairn for your words of encouragement sis.

Thank you everyone that has replied thus far on this thread.
For me, it is all about the journey of my life. Just as we know a child must learn from experience, I have accepted that I too have learned from my experiences. If I had known how to do the "right" thing always, I would have had no room to grow and learn and mature into the woman I am today.

I believe we walk this road, every turn and every detour, for a greater purpose than we can know and understand. Each stumble and every regret molds us into a better expression of our own divinity and creates the soul we will take with us to the end of this mortal adventure.

Forgive yourself - yes. Even more, LOVE yourself.

You are learning, growing, regretting, and understanding every day. Make this the day you embrace yourself in all of your frailities and all of your soul's beauty as a child of your Creator.

From my heart to yours.... Marie
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Old 01-13-2012, 12:28 AM
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U can't live with this guilt and carry this weight around with you. Just make sure u make ure Saalat and do right by Allah. Truly Allah knows best and He is most forgiving and most merciful. I've been in your boat and what helps me is reading Qur'an. Allah tests the ones He loves the most. Asselam Alejkum sis. If u need to talk feel free to pm me
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Old 01-13-2012, 05:21 AM
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Sometimes, I think that before we can move on when it comes to forgiveness whether it be of ourselves or others there can be a great need for closure. Maybe not always, but some of the forgiveness issues we have in this life involve relations with other people and because of that things can get complicated. Things like acceptance, approval, disapproval, and closure are some aspects of forgiveness that make it hard to move on when we’re not right with ourselves and possibly others.

As someone who has been to prison more than once and who has brought about a considerable amount of wreckage in the past, I’m mindful of something I heard a couple of years ago during a bible study that initially angered me and yet I think is very true.

It was a men’s bible study at a church here in Dallas. I have been in and out of a halfway house in this neighborhood much of that time and for the most part it’s been a struggle. When I look at the why part of the struggle I remember the words that a deacon who led the bible said more than 2 years ago. “God forgives us for our sins, but the reality is sin has consequences in the world.”

It’s hard to find a job in which the past is not brought up. It’s hard to find a place to live at times where the past is not brought up and it’s hard where relations among other people are concerned when the past is brought up. I’m on parole for a robbery I committed over 15 years ago and often times I think to myself when this issue is brought up, “Most of people have no idea exactly what they were doing or where they were on January 11th, 1997 and yet in spite of the fact that I’ve paid back a consider amount of the debt I owe society, I am not allowed to ever forget where I was on that day when I committed this crime.

I don’t know that anyone has ever said it or that many people even realize it, but at times I think we’re too impressed with who we think we are as human beings and what we perceive the truth to be. Since the Internet became what it has gone on to be and without realizing it, we have become a society that seems to be more impressed with our ability to hold people accountable for their past as opposed to the business of living life and the process of things like forgiveness and healing. It can or may be hard to move on with your life if you base it upon or compare it to the way that the world perceives itself and the people who inhabit it.

Have you learned from what ever it is that haunts you, HesMyForever? Have you changed your ways with regard to being a better person? Do you look back on that time in your life and say or think “I’m not that person anymore and I choose to do better in the here and now?” For some reason, I think that you are a better person and that you have moved on with your life in such a way that the past needs to be where you leave all that stuff. That is where you came from, but that is not to say you are supposed to hang on to the bad memories that you learned from which need to be left behind.

You need to gain some closure on what happened or maybe a different perspective about it. At the same time, too, what we perceive as forgiving ourselves can be confused with the hope or the desire as approval from others. It’s a hard thing to say, but the truth is I don’t really need anyone’s forgiveness to carry on in this life. It’s good to have it and it provides a world of relief and comfort at times, but…..there are many truths in this world that others choose to ignore simply because of their opinion or attitude. If life is for the living then, we don’t have time to wait on others as the days, months, and years accumulate in our lives. Be all that you can be today and let the past be what it is and always will be, in the past.
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