Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

flik · #1 06-08-2012, 12:46 PM

My fiance is being held until our court date on a domestic violence charge against me. It was a big misunderstanding but once the state takes over, there isn't much I can do. They originally issued me an emergency protective order for 3 days which I let expire. Our court date is not until the end of July and he would like me to visit him. My question is am I allowed to visit him as the "victim"? Will they let him put my name on his list of visitors? I mean, will they even know that I am the victim?

Thanks

canadiangirl098 · #2 06-08-2012, 12:56 PM

they probably would know and if your the victim it might hurt his chance of getting out early if it was an misunderstanding why was he arrested ???

**LeBeau** · #3 06-08-2012, 02:42 PM

While the case is pending, you probably won't be allowed to visit and (assuming you're sincere and accurate that it was a misunderstanding) if you DO visit, you run the risk of him being accused of witness tampering if you are not fully cooperative with the prosecution.

Momma Ann · #4 06-08-2012, 02:57 PM

the state/police file the charges in DV--whether the victim wants them to or not many times. Protects against charges not being filed because the victims are scared, confused etc.

InmateLover67 · #5 06-08-2012, 03:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by flik

My fiance is being held until our court date on a domestic violence charge against me. It was a big misunderstanding but once the state takes over, there isn't much I can do. They originally issued me an emergency protective order for 3 days which I let expire. Our court date is not until the end of July and he would like me to visit him. My question is am I allowed to visit him as the "victim"? Will they let him put my name on his list of visitors? I mean, will they even know that I am the victim?

Thanks

Um, if you are his victim, they will NOT let you visit...actually there should be a no contact order give by the courts.

Peace~

flik · #6 06-09-2012, 07:49 AM

Yes it was a situation that got out of control. We had an fight, the police were called, he ripped a necklace off my neck and the chain left marks and so the police arrested him with a domestic assaults charge. There was nothing I could say or do.

As far as the no contact order, the issued an Emergency protective order that night for 3 days and told me to go have it extended for 2 weeks when it expired, which I didn't do so there is no protective order right now.

He has been in jail for 2 weeks with no bond and just got appointed am attorney. Our court date isn't for 2 months and he sent me a letter asking me to visit. I would like to but dont want him in any more trouble.

Thank you for your responses.

flik · #7 06-09-2012, 07:55 AM

Also I know he was wrong but 2 months in jail for ripping off a necklace? This is the first experience with jail that either of is have had so it is pretty scary. He has some drug posession charges from over 7 years ago when he was younger but that's it.

**LeBeau** · #8 06-09-2012, 08:01 AM

That's not a "misunderstanding".
That is, in fact, an assault.
That you, for whatever reason, wish to overlook, minimize and/or forgive it does not change the legal reality....and that he's being held without bond suggests that either there's more to this story or he has a history of similar behavior.

I do not know you or your guy but I am going to urge you to really examine the relationship, objectively, and see what else you've overlooked, minimized and/or dismissed as "misunderstandings".

flik · #9 06-09-2012, 08:19 AM

Are you serious? I told you that what he did was wrong. He knows it. It was in the heat of an argument. I am not minimizing it at all. I have been with this man for 4 years and never once has it become physical. Even in this situation he didn't put his hands on me, he wasn't trying to hurt me physically. I told you his background. I came here to simply ask a question about visiting to people that may know more about the laws or jail system than we do, not to have you "examine" me, my fiance, or my relationship. Domestic violence laws are very strict and I get that to protect the victims and i understand that the officers were just doing their job and by definition this is assault, however this is truly not that serious. Also, I will tell you that over the 2 weeks he has been there bond was discussed once, the night it happened with the magistrate. It took him a week and a half to see a judge and at that point the only thing that was discussed was getting a court appointed attorney because we can't afford an attorney right now. I don't know what will happen with bond but if he doesny get it or we cant afford it, it will be 2 months. His bond has nothing to do with his history. I really don't appreciate the judging coming from someone in a forum where everyone has someone in jail or prison for obviously doing something wrong. Give me a break.

**LeBeau** · #10 06-09-2012, 08:32 AM

This forum is specifically for victims of domestic abuse and nothing is sugarcoated or held back. You may not be among them but you'd be astonished at how many people choose to gloss over abusive behavior, so yes, we dig, we prod, we challenge and nag.
If, in an honest examination of the relationship, you really find no cause for further concern, then more power to ya, I wish you well but I'll *never* apologize for pressing harder when a woman tells me that an assault took place but it was a "misunderstanding".

dixiebelle1973 · #11 06-09-2012, 08:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LeBeau

This forum is specifically for victims of domestic abuse and nothing is sugarcoated or held back. You may not be among them but you'd be astonished at how many people choose to gloss over abusive behavior, so yes, we dig, we prod, we challenge and nag.
If, in an honest examination of the relationship, you really find no cause for further concern, then more power to ya, I wish you well but I'll *never* apologize for pressing harder when a woman tells me that an assault took place but it was a "misunderstanding".

Exactly. If a man so as makes a women feel she can't walk away from the argument that is some places (like here) is considered kipnapping. My ex did so and grabbed my shoulder. Didn't leave a mark, but if a man touches you without consent like that it is assault. Next time in the heat of a fight it will be worse if he gets by with this. Only reason anyone says anything is because we know we've been there. I wished they took it more seriously here.

**sidewalker** · #12 06-10-2012, 07:52 AM

I am pretty sure you will not be allowed to visit.
If he is in county waiting on a hearing, you might try to visit. But they might also send you away as you are his victim.
I'd also take into account what Lebeau had to say about witness tampering. This could make things much worse.

Wish you luck.

yourself · #13 06-10-2012, 09:19 AM

Hate to burst your bubble, but they do have to discus bond at arraignment. That he was denied bond at arraignment is an indication that something more substantial than a misunderstanding was taking place, given, as you said, his record only includes a drug charge from 7 years ago. Either the court feels he's a danger to society or you, or that he's a flight risk, or they would have set a bail at arraignment. Granted, they do err on the side of extreme caution in dv cases. That the OP only lasted 3 days is an indication that it might not be too serious.

The OP aside, there's probably a NCO associated with the case, though sometimes the NCO only comes when there's bond, or at sentencing. You should expect that to last a good long time as they are standard in dv cases. The courts also do not want to hear about it being a minor thing - they hear that about the most egregious conduct all the time, so they are used to ignoring such a protest.

Further, a battery is a dignitary crime - anything that insults the person's dignity through an actual touching is a battery. So, if a bully at work flicks a co-worker's tie, it's a battery. If somebody pulls the scarf from around your neck, it's a battery. I can't physically see how a necklace can be taken from a person's neck without an actual physical touching of the person, and not just the snatching of the necklace, but who knows. Guess he should just be glad they aren't adding a property damage/destruction charge to the whole mess.

Anyway, if you want to get to the point of being able to talk with him with the Court's approval, you're going to have to go through the exact same steps as every other dx victim because the Court will not try to figure out the misunderstandings from regular dv. You should seek counselling at the local dv shelter so that you can show the judge that you're doing your best to resolve any issues that led to the unlawful touching/battery. While you may not feel such counseling is relevant to you, you still should do it - the court is actually apt to listen to a dv therapist or counselor. Just think of it as recon for later use as most people know at least one person in their life who is in a violent or potentially violent relationship. With experience with the dv shelters and counseling in the area, you'll be much more effective at helping those people later on.

Oh, and generally, the jails will not let the victim of a crime visit with the perpetrator of the crime, no matter what the crime. It's usually not advisable for a perpetrator to talk with his victim before the case is resolved anyway - it's too easy for the Vic and perp to forget that the conversation's being monitored, everything can and will be used against him. Instead, the emotion of the situation takes over, and the next thing you know, you've got an incriminating audio recording of the perp saying something like, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I wish I could take it back, do you forgive me" or something like that. Don't fall into that trap and stay away until everything's settled.

bellisq · #14 06-18-2012, 04:12 PM

Flik: If there was judging (personally I think it was factual analysis) it wasn't towards you, it was towards your fiance. Unfortunately, spousal abuse starts somewhere, and not always with a big bash. I think that is why the lightbulb went off for responders who have interacted with thousands of posters.

Factually, the comment about witness tampering struck a strong chord for me and there is no way to interpret that as judgmental. Can you imagine what the commonwealth's attorney would say if you asked him if it was ok to see your fiance? I am only guessing that legally you aren't supposed to interact with the defendant, but I'm sure the commonwealth's attorney's office will advise you specifically on that issue. No need for both of you to be in trouble.

Amy213 · #15 06-19-2012, 12:44 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by flik

My fiance is being held until our court date on a domestic violence charge against me. It was a big misunderstanding but once the state takes over, there isn't much I can do. They originally issued me an emergency protective order for 3 days which I let expire. Our court date is not until the end of July and he would like me to visit him. My question is am I allowed to visit him as the "victim"? Will they let him put my name on his list of visitors? I mean, will they even know that I am the victim?

Thanks

I like you was & am the victim of aggravated domestic assault & I like you stayed with him even after he literally beat the shit outta me! I was able to go see him every wknd & I even went as far as to ask the judge for leniency on him because the d/a wanted to give him 20 years he ended up with 3 years to serve I finally broke it off with him a couple of months ago! I hope that you stand up for yourself & realize abuse is Abuse! I mean lets face it you can try & candy coat it but ya just can't! I tried an thought i did gool but i know now just how good at mind manipulation he really was & is!