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  #1  
Old 02-18-2020, 09:17 PM
HeyWeather HeyWeather is offline
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Default My story

I was in federal prison for 10months. 3.5 months in my wife was arrested and her case went federal. She was arrested with 3 other men....in our home. I had one rule and that was I didn't want any men in my house. She swore she remained faithful to me. The day I was released from the halfway house my wife was sentenced to 41 months. Ever since her arrest I knew in my heart she had cheated on me. Saturday she finally came clean with me over the phone. She had slept with her codefendant. 5xs. In no more than 3 months she had already started cheating. I can't help but think she would have left me and continued a relationship with this guy had she not got arrested. I have been out for going on 7 months and have remained completely faithful to her this entire time. It kills me. I have so many questions that I can only assume the answer to and so many questions I wouldn't even want to know the real answer. Anyways, I don't know what to do...about anything. This has been eating me alive and I have shared it with no one.

Thanks.

Last edited by HeyWeather; 02-18-2020 at 09:37 PM..
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  #2  
Old 02-18-2020, 10:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HeyWeather View Post
I was in federal prison for 10months. 3.5 months in my wife was arrested and her case went federal. She was arrested with 3 other men....in our home. I had one rule and that was I didn't want any men in my house. She swore she remained faithful to me. The day I was released from the halfway house my wife was sentenced to 41 months. Ever since her arrest I knew in my heart she had cheated on me. Saturday she finally came clean with me over the phone. She had slept with her codefendant. 5xs. In no more than 3 months she had already started cheating. I can't help but think she would have left me and continued a relationship with this guy had she not got arrested. I have been out for going on 7 months and have remained completely faithful to her this entire time. It kills me. I have so many questions that I can only assume the answer to and so many questions I wouldn't even want to know the real answer. Anyways, I don't know what to do...about anything. This has been eating me alive and I have shared it with no one.

Thanks.
It’s easier said than done, but I have to see things in the light that they truly exist when it comes to something as personal and heartfelt as this. What she did is not so much of a sign of betrayal as it is the indication of someone that is ill and where the soul itself is concerned, she is lost. Sex much like alcohol/drugs can be a means by which we attempt feel something for the sake of living an illusion.
But you are not ill. Realize that you were the stronger of the two in the relationship and God sees this. Men are often the ones that carry on in a relationship the way that your wife did. It is to your good character and devotion to her that you are the exception compared to many men. I know that it hurts, but this too shall pass and another love worthy of the devotion and strength that you have to offer will come along. Walk away from this and don’t look back. Let it be a thing of the past that you choose not to look back upon. It can be something that only causes more pain and suffering. Try not to look back what she did.
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Old 02-18-2020, 10:29 PM
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Originally Posted by HeyWeather View Post
I was in federal prison for 10months. 3.5 months in my wife was arrested and her case went federal. She was arrested with 3 other men....in our home. I had one rule and that was I didn't want any men in my house. She swore she remained faithful to me. The day I was released from the halfway house my wife was sentenced to 41 months. Ever since her arrest I knew in my heart she had cheated on me. Saturday she finally came clean with me over the phone. She had slept with her codefendant. 5xs. In no more than 3 months she had already started cheating. I can't help but think she would have left me and continued a relationship with this guy had she not got arrested. I have been out for going on 7 months and have remained completely faithful to her this entire time. It kills me. I have so many questions that I can only assume the answer to and so many questions I wouldn't even want to know the real answer. Anyways, I don't know what to do...about anything. This has been eating me alive and I have shared it with no one.

Thanks.
Hey HeyWeather,

I'm so sorry for what you're experiencing right now. I understand your hurting. I also understand that your faithful to your wife because you still love her. We can all sit here and give you reasons as to why she's done the things that she's done and why she's cheated on you. We may be right or we maybe wrong, But if you truly want answers you're going to have to ask your wife.

There are a number of reasons why women cheat all the way from needing someone for company, because they're lonely, wanting financial support, wanting intimacy right down to getting unwanted attention from the opposite sex and thinking that the opposite sex is interested in them when all they might be needing is either a sexual partner or to employ your wife to do their dirty deeds when it come to the law.

But like I said earlier you're going to have to ask your wife if you're wanting the truth. We will all be here to support you along the way but we cannot give you answers as to the why of it all.
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Old 02-19-2020, 12:07 AM
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The one thing my family has never experienced is cheating. I couldn't do this or wait all this time, if she did. It is too much for one to handle alone. I don't know how you could trust someone who has done that, let alone doing it 5 times. That's not a mistake. If you can be forgotten and disavowed in 3 months, it speaks quite a bit to the loyalty of you, and of your marriage.
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Old 02-19-2020, 08:26 AM
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On her behalf, I did leave when she was a major meth addict and alcoholic to boot. She begged for help getting sober from me over and over. She also has bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder. However, I did tell her to divorce me once I got my time. She refused. I did then give her one rule. No guys in our house. She broke that rule consistently. But I do feel had she not been on drugs and alcohol she wouldn't have done it. I really don't want to leave her and I don't want revenge either. I wish I could just end it and walk away but I don't think it's possible with her and I have never seen someone as honestly sorry as she is and I do believe her when she says she loves me and she will spend her entire life making it up to me. I just don't know if I could forgive her. I definitely couldn't forget.
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Old 02-19-2020, 09:15 AM
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I'm sorry for what you are dealing with, Consider the advice you receive, but the decision is up to you to make.
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Old 02-19-2020, 09:24 AM
WaitingWilkes WaitingWilkes is offline
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Originally Posted by HeyWeather View Post
... I have so many questions that I can only assume the answer to and so many questions I wouldn't even want to know the real answer. Anyways, I don't know what to do...about anything. This has been eating me alive and I have shared it with no one. Thanks.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with such a painful situation. One of the worst things about prison is not having time or privacy to adequately address relationship issues, personal problems, parenting problems, etc. Check your private messages.
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Old 02-19-2020, 10:09 AM
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If it would be me I'd divorce her but... this is a very individual decision none can make for you. You have a long history so none can really tell you what would be best.
I personally could not continue that relationship, there was already too much drama to deal with, now prison & cheating... there has to be a limit somewhere.
Life's too short.
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Old 02-19-2020, 11:07 AM
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Affairs / Cheating is a topic that I have studied in depth, for years.. I have been on both sides of the spectrum, but long before then I was a child witnessing many affairs.. always knew it was something I would study if not personally go through.

First and foremost, affairs are far less about sex (regardless of us saying they are) it's much more about desire.. the desire of attention, the desire to feel special, the desire to feel important... it's much more to do with death of sense of self, not death of passion or love in a relationship / marriage.

Cheaters desire to feel ALIVE - usually there has been a recent loss (death living in the dark), a death of a loved one, bad news or some other type of LOSS which causes us to feel burnt out, less alive... and we reach a point of thinking, is this it, is this the end and how I will feel for the rest of my relationship, will I never feel that THING again which caused me to feel so ALIVE?? We end up placing attention on the smallest things that feed us desirable attention and the fact that we cannot have it (even a lover) is a desire machine in itself.. the incompleteness and ambiguity keeps you wanting that what you can't have!

Desire runs DEEP, betrayal runs DEEP, but we CAN heal from an affair.

An affair can be the death nail to a relationship already dying on a vine, but others will throw an affair into new possibilities, they will yield stronger perspectives and growth.

Your 1st marriage is over, would you like to create a 2nd one (together)?

I always tell my clients that we are the only one standing in our way - only you know what you desire & can sustain.... I wish you rapid healing and the best, regardless what choice you make.
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Old 02-19-2020, 02:10 PM
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Affairs / Cheating is a topic that I have studied in depth, for years.. I have been on both sides of the spectrum, but long before then I was a child witnessing many affairs.. always knew it was something I would study if not personally go through.

First and foremost, affairs are far less about sex (regardless of us saying they are) it's much more about desire.. the desire of attention, the desire to feel special, the desire to feel important... it's much more to do with death of sense of self, not death of passion or love in a relationship / marriage.

Cheaters desire to feel ALIVE - usually there has been a recent loss (death living in the dark), a death of a loved one, bad news or some other type of LOSS which causes us to feel burnt out, less alive... and we reach a point of thinking, is this it, is this the end and how I will feel for the rest of my relationship, will I never feel that THING again which caused me to feel so ALIVE?? We end up placing attention on the smallest things that feed us desirable attention and the fact that we cannot have it (even a lover) is a desire machine in itself.. the incompleteness and ambiguity keeps you wanting that what you can't have!

Desire runs DEEP, betrayal runs DEEP, but we CAN heal from an affair.

An affair can be the death nail to a relationship already dying on a vine, but others will throw an affair into new possibilities, they will yield stronger perspectives and growth.

Your 1st marriage is over, would you like to create a 2nd one (together)?

I always tell my clients that we are the only one standing in our way - only you know what you desire & can sustain.... I wish you rapid healing and the best, regardless what choice you make.
Thank you for your input.
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Old 02-20-2020, 03:54 PM
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On her behalf, I did leave when she was a major meth addict and alcoholic to boot. She begged for help getting sober from me over and over. She also has bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder. However, I did tell her to divorce me once I got my time. She refused. I did then give her one rule. No guys in our house. She broke that rule consistently. But I do feel had she not been on drugs and alcohol she wouldn't have done it. I really don't want to leave her and I don't want revenge either. I wish I could just end it and walk away but I don't think it's possible with her and I have never seen someone as honestly sorry as she is and I do believe her when she says she loves me and she will spend her entire life making it up to me. I just don't know if I could forgive her. I definitely couldn't forget.
It seems that your wife's promiscuity might stem from her bipolar condition. There's been alot of scientific based evaluations as to why some bipolar people are so hypersexual. It's like a drug where by it gives them that feeling of manic or an elation. I've attached a few links below so as to give you a better understanding of why she is seeing other men. Sometimes with bipolar issues it's not really the persons fault but more so the condition so if she were to go and get treatment for her condition she might benefit and become stable. I'm not sure what triggered her condition whether it's an imbalance, the alcohol and drugs or a traumatic event but it is treatable with therapy and medication.

https://www.everydayhealth.com/bipol...r-and-sex.aspx

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/324595
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Old 02-11-2021, 11:27 AM
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Default Hope it helps

I feel like no matter what is said, it's not going to make you want to leave. You won't leave because you have a love or an attachment to her.

I know you've mentioned she's an addict or a recovering one. That , everyone knows you shouldn't be with her until she's able to become sober for maybe 3 years, imo. A lot of people relapse for various reasons and i don't know all the details about your relationship so this is just an opinion based off of what you have said.

It doesn't help her either, to be in a relationship. It may sound odd or obvious but she needs to focus on her. People sometimes use other people or that connection as a crutch, maybe you. Maybe since you were gone, she needed an outlet, maybe you were that control.
The reason she needs to be sober and out of a relationship is to fix whatever the reason is she's getting high or drunk. I am sure you've contributed your fair share of BS in the relationship.

As far as the cheating, I am guessing that you didn't condone her cheating. You said one rule, no men in the house. So, it matters cuz she's in the house? XD I know some ppl are like what? it goes without saying. Does it though? Who here was listening to that convo between them?

I digress, you knew even if you didn't want to admit it that she would probably relapse or find someone. You gave her an out, she said no. She loves you but she has a problem. Not only that, you're not with her but in a prison. Would she have cheated while you were there?

You could have divorced or ended communication or the relationship, if you wanted to. You didn't cuz you didn't want to to without her cuz of x,y, or z.
Maybe you have some guilt yourself, so you stay.

It doesn't sound like you are able to forgive right now and that's understandable. You have to ask yourself is what you have worth rebuilding with her? Be honest. If you can't move past the cheating, it will show or you'll react in a way that might not be good for you or her.

The trust is lost and it's hard getting it back. I mean, if she was away for years, could you handle no sex with all that temptation? Idk but you do.
No point in both of you being "bad" in the relationship because it's unnecessary harm for all. I think you both should heal and see where you are afterwards.

At the very least, if you're staying, get some guidance from someone who's objective.
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Old 02-12-2021, 05:27 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by HeyWeather View Post
I was in federal prison for 10months. 3.5 months in my wife was arrested and her case went federal. She was arrested with 3 other men....in our home. I had one rule and that was I didn't want any men in my house. She swore she remained faithful to me. The day I was released from the halfway house my wife was sentenced to 41 months. Ever since her arrest I knew in my heart she had cheated on me. Saturday she finally came clean with me over the phone. She had slept with her codefendant. 5xs. In no more than 3 months she had already started cheating. I can't help but think she would have left me and continued a relationship with this guy had she not got arrested. I have been out for going on 7 months and have remained completely faithful to her this entire time. It kills me. I have so many questions that I can only assume the answer to and so many questions I wouldn't even want to know the real answer. Anyways, I don't know what to do...about anything. This has been eating me alive and I have shared it with no one.

Thanks.
HEYWEATHER...
Sorry this happened to you. Now that she is locked up and alone now she is remorseful? In my opinion...you need to do what is best for you. Your wife betrayed you. And wasnt accountable for her actions. After the fact doesnt count. I think you have your answer, you were not her priority.
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Old 02-12-2021, 06:55 PM
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I'm sorry too. Her "urges" were stronger than her devotion to your marriage vows, or to you. Now she apologizes, but I wonder if she is so upset that she wouldn't do the same thing again if given the opportunity (which by the way she instigated).
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