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  #1  
Old 05-04-2017, 07:03 AM
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Default Attending hearing and testifying

In just a few hours I will be in a hearing, testifying against a man I once loved with all my heart. How can I do that? I do this because I have to for myself, for my children and for any future people he may hurt. He has destroyed me. I let him do this to me. I always made excuses for the things he did. I still make excuses for him. Maybe if he hadn't started using meth, things would be different. (Maybe they would) but does that matter? NO, because that was his decision to make. Maybe if the circumstances had been different and he didn't have to go to Houston, maybe things would have been different. I don't know. Who knows. His Parole Officer told me that I need to take a stand and stand up for myself. A total stranger could see how he affects me and just how hard this is. I am torn, and I am an emotional wreck, but he has to know he cannot do this to me, or to anyone else. Like many of the other women on here, he never did hit me. Yes, he put his hands on me and threw me around and threw me to the ground and choked me. He also would push me against the wall and choke me. He broke my finger once. But somehow, he convinced me that he had changed and I would always go back to him. Testifying against him will be the ultimate betrayal in his eyes and in his family's eyes. You don't do that, no matter what. He will hate me by the end of the day. I know this. But I have to be strong and do the right thing. Prayers please.
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  #2  
Old 05-04-2017, 08:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Texas EZ Mom View Post
In just a few hours I will be in a hearing, testifying against a man I once loved with all my heart. How can I do that? . . . Like many of the other women on here, he never did hit me. Yes, he put his hands on me and threw me around and threw me to the ground and choked me. He also would push me against the wall and choke me. He broke my finger once. But somehow, he convinced me that he had changed and I would always go back to him. Testifying against him will be the ultimate betrayal in his eyes and in his family's eyes. You don't do that, no matter what. He will hate me by the end of the day. I know this. But I have to be strong and do the right thing. Prayers please.

Be strong. I know it may not feel like it, but you can do this.

Domestic Violence is not just about being hit. It's about being thrown around by someone who is physically stronger than yourself. It's about having someone's hands around your neck - that could have ended with your death. He broke one of your bones. Please don't say to yourself "It was just a finger." He. Broke. A. Bone. In. Your. Body.

To my way of thinking, THAT was the ultimate betrayal.
He betrayed your love and trust.

Please try to see how controlling he's being - has been. He's got you too afraid of him to "tell." That feeling right there means something is just not right. That right there, is a form of DV.

Of course he's going to think you're over-reacting. He truly believes that he hasn't done anything wrong.

Of course his parents think you're over-reacting. Their baby boy would never do something wrong!

If what he did to you was just fine and dandy, people wouldn't be upset about you sharing the details of it. Right?

You are stronger than what you are feeling right now! You. Can. Do. This.

I'm sitting right next to you. Wishing that 30+ years ago, I'd been brave enough to do what you are doing.

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Old 05-04-2017, 08:46 AM
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Testifying will be hard, but it is the right thing for you to do in order to slam the door on the abuse he has subjected you to in the past. It is never OK to have your finger broken, or to be choked by someone who supposedly loves you.

He is a bully, and an abuser. You will be much better off, and safer, if you are rid of him and his family once and for all. Stay strong today.
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Old 05-04-2017, 11:30 AM
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Be strong. I know it may not feel like it, but you can do this.

Domestic Violence is not just about being hit. It's about being thrown around by someone who is physically stronger than yourself. It's about having someone's hands around your neck - that could have ended with your death. He broke one of your bones. Please don't say to yourself "It was just a finger." He. Broke. A. Bone. In. Your. Body.

To my way of thinking, THAT was the ultimate betrayal.
He betrayed your love and trust.


Please try to see how controlling he's being - has been. He's got you too afraid of him to "tell." That feeling right there means something is just not right. That right there, is a form of DV.

Of course he's going to think you're over-reacting. He truly believes that he hasn't done anything wrong.

Of course his parents think you're over-reacting. Their baby boy would never do something wrong!

If what he did to you was just fine and dandy, people wouldn't be upset about you sharing the details of it. Right?

You are stronger than what you are feeling right now! You. Can. Do. This.

I'm sitting right next to you. Wishing that 30+ years ago, I'd been brave enough to do what you are doing.

Thank you. I was scared to death to face him. He had 8 violations and all 8 were used, nothing thrown out. His P.O. recommended ISF (which is a treatment facility for parole violators) but the hearing officer said she does not know if the parole board voters will go along with that or not.
I feel like a million tons of weight has been lifted off of me. Thank you. I could feel the support from my PT friends.
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Old 05-04-2017, 01:51 PM
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HOORAY!
I know that was really, really scary to do and I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself! Go reward yourself with a treat of some kind, you've earned it!
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Old 05-04-2017, 06:46 PM
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I'm glad that's over with for you....and soooo proud of how you stood up for yourself
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Old 05-04-2017, 07:39 PM
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Thanks everyone. I know I need to find a support group or counseling to start going to. They are trying to make this all out to be my fault.
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Old 05-04-2017, 07:44 PM
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I am APPALLED that the PO recommended ISF. I can only hope you made more of an impact on the Hearing Officer than the shit-for-brains PO who obviously cared not one whit for your safety.

Check your PM for a response to your other question...
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Old 05-04-2017, 08:32 PM
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Please STOP making yourself feel bad because you called someone out on their shit.
Just stop.
Truth be told? Who really gives a shit if his family thinks your a horrible person.
Were they on the receiving end of hands around your neck?
Its bs. You know it, we know it and honestly so the *they*
Do not buy what they are selling you.
Not your fault.
His. Only HIS.


Go live your life, violence free.
Im sorry if I sound so mean.
But it really makes me mad when I see someone who has done nothing......be treated like he did you?
Hell to the no.
(is that how they say it?) Hell to the no.
Im so proud you stood up for yourself. You are worth it. You are special. You are not deserving of the treatment you got, and are getting.
Lose all them folks who think otherwise.

Carry on lady. You are on the right track.
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Old 05-04-2017, 09:19 PM
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Please STOP making yourself feel bad because you called someone out on their shit.
Just stop.
Truth be told? Who really gives a shit if his family thinks your a horrible person.
Were they on the receiving end of hands around your neck?
Its bs. You know it, we know it and honestly so the *they*
Do not buy what they are selling you.
Not your fault.
His. Only HIS.


Go live your life, violence free.
Im sorry if I sound so mean.
But it really makes me mad when I see someone who has done nothing......be treated like he did you?
Hell to the no.
(is that how they say it?) Hell to the no.
Im so proud you stood up for yourself. You are worth it. You are special. You are not deserving of the treatment you got, and are getting.
Lose all them folks who think otherwise.

Carry on lady. You are on the right track.
^^ THIS ^^

Please, print it out, keep it in your pocket. Every time you start feeling bad for him or his family, take it out and read it until you believe it ok?

We're not just saying these things to "hear" ourselves. We really mean it. We really care! and like I said, I've been there. I didn't have the guts to DO something like you are. My ex and his family were fairly wealthy, fine, upstanding members of the community . . . blah blah blah.

I cheer when I hear stories like yours. I really do. I really do admire the strength and courage it takes to follow thru!

Tell his family to take a hike! If not for yourself, do it for me. Ok?
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Old 05-05-2017, 02:24 AM
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Your reputation with yourself a/k/a your self esteem will get stronger knowing that you bravely faced down your fears and wisely protected yourself.

So proud of you!

I would recommend the book "No Visible Wounds". It is an older book but a real eye opener. It helped me a lot and some of it in permanent ways. Many light bulb moments as I began to understand and learn to label tactics, some of which I thought were purely individual eccentricities/traits/patterns.

right now Lundy Bancroft is the preminent leader in this field. He has a great book and a website

Knowledge is power!
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Old 05-05-2017, 05:26 AM
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You did what you had to do for your own safety and that of your children. YOU are NOT the villain here. You took your life back, and all that matters is YOU and your children. The rest of the world doesn't matter.
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Old 05-15-2017, 05:54 AM
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And just like that, he is out. That is not fair. Our judicial system is terrible. Eight violations and he is free. I received a call from Vinelink telling me that he has been released. The first thing I did was call the detective and he is out til the 17th. This is not fair. Now I have to be in fear. I tried to get the detective to present the charges to the DA last week and he told me that he would call my ex's parole officer and see what is happening with the parole revocation. He said that what TDCJ does will trump what he can do, so he wanted to see what the results would be on the hearing. I guess we see what the results are. He is free. I tried to tell him that ISF was not an option if he would present the charges to the DA. I am so mad at our system.
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Old 05-15-2017, 07:11 AM
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I am so sorry. I have had this happen too. More than once, same guy. And have been stalked by 2, but by the time the police get there he is gone and they don't do anything.

Change everything you can in your routine. Go to a different grocery by a different route than usually traveled. Go to work another way and park elsewhere. Do you have a friend or relative you can stay with for a little while? If you feel like you are being followed, drive to the police station. Carry a copy of the restraining order with you. Do you have a co-worker to walk with you to your car after work? motion detector lights, alarm system. document any contact. In the end, I moved cross country and told few. I am so sorry you are going thro this. oh yea, store all important documents in a safe place outside the home, a change of clothes etc, change the locks on your doors. call your local dv center and schedule counseling. secure your monies.
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Old 05-15-2017, 11:01 AM
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That is simply unbelievable to me. My husband was violated for having a letter opener in his car, and he went back to jail. UNREAL!!
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Old 05-15-2017, 11:57 AM
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Wow, oh Wow!How about going directly to his parole officer's office with all the threats and such. Or to her superior? Or straight to a judge? Anywhere there's official power and protection! Sit there, refuse to leave until someone helps you directly and RIGHT NOW!

I'm appalled on your behalf, just horrified.
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Old 05-15-2017, 01:19 PM
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This is why people refuse to testify. I know it might be a pain but can you move now? Your safety and safety of your children are at stake.
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Old 05-15-2017, 04:01 PM
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Wow, oh Wow!How about going directly to his parole officer's office with all the threats and such. Or to her superior? Or straight to a judge? Anywhere there's official power and protection! Sit there, refuse to leave until someone helps you directly and RIGHT NOW!

I'm appalled on your behalf, just horrified.
I went directly to his Parole Officer. I called her superviser. (He never called me back). I am not sure what going to a judge will do. I did call the detective immediately when I got the call from Vinelink that he was released. I called back this morning and spoke to an officer in that division. I told them that he was released and if I end up dead, I gave them his name and told them that he did it, or the Aryan Brotherhood did it. She told me to call back when the detective is in and talk with him, but she wrote down what I said. This is just not the results that I expected. Do I think he will come up here? I know if he starts using again, yes, he will come up here. Meth alters the mind. His sister uses and so does his girlfriend. With them both using, he will use, and that will be what is horrifying to me.
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Old 05-15-2017, 04:04 PM
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This is why people refuse to testify. I know it might be a pain but can you move now? Your safety and safety of your children are at stake.
I cannot move yet. The kids are still in school. I finished the semester. I did manage to bring my failing grades up. Thank God. I finished the semester with one A, 2 B's and a C. So I have a 3.0 gpa now. (It could have been worse).
I am not sure about moving, when/where. I know I need to. Or buy a gun and get my license. I used to shoot all the time. (My daddy was a cop). I got that handy little knack from him. I will be on the phone first thing Wednesday morning to talk to the detective.
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Old 05-15-2017, 08:33 PM
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I cannot move yet. The kids are still in school. I finished the semester. I did manage to bring my failing grades up. Thank God. I finished the semester with one A, 2 B's and a C. So I have a 3.0 gpa now. (It could have been worse).
I am not sure about moving, when/where. I know I need to. Or buy a gun and get my license. I used to shoot all the time. (My daddy was a cop). I got that handy little knack from him. I will be on the phone first thing Wednesday morning to talk to the detective.
With respect to grades, it might be worth speaking with the instructors. If they have not turned them in, some consideration might be offered in light of the circumstances...
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Old 05-16-2017, 05:42 AM
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With respect to grades, it might be worth speaking with the instructors. If they have not turned them in, some consideration might be offered in light of the circumstances...
Grades have been turned in. I was doing a heck of a lot worse than this. I did speak with all 4 of my instructors and told them the situation I am in and I did some extra credit work just to bring them up. I have an "F" in two classes. I was really messed up mentally for a while. Well, I still am in some aspects, but I will be alright. Thanks though.
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Old 05-16-2017, 06:46 AM
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Grades have been turned in. I was doing a heck of a lot worse than this. I did speak with all 4 of my instructors and told them the situation I am in and I did some extra credit work just to bring them up. I have an "F" in two classes. I was really messed up mentally for a while. Well, I still am in some aspects, but I will be alright. Thanks though.
The two with an 'F' might be willing to do a supplement that changes it to an "I" or similar. You lose the tuition paid for the semester but at least there wouldn't be the GPA hit. Never hurts to ask...

Hang in there...and again, very sorry that the Division failed so miserably here. It just flies in the face of the manner in which they tend to act and have a long history of having done. The absence of actual criminal charges hurt, so hopefully you are able to get that second bite at the apple...even I would have been hard-pressed to come up with reasons not to revoke and I can usually make a case for a release in a lot of different fact-sets.
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