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Old 04-10-2018, 09:25 PM
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Default Stressed out but April will be better soon

I had a bad month in March. When I got to the end, I think I realized that until my son is relocated, it's just going to be step by step and I will get through it. For those parents who don't get to see their child 6x a year, my heart goes out to you because it being 4 months since I have seen him is really hard on me.

1. My hard drive crashed when I was loading tax stuff. I lost all my financial records and have to start from scratch doing my taxes, which I am still procrastinating on, with substantive reasons as listed in item 2, but in my heart I just don't want to do it and I am not even sure why. It took a bit of time to find the guy who used to work on this stuff when I was not disabled and he only charged me $50 for a hard drive and the time he spent setting some of the basics back up for me.

2. I had eye surgery at the end of February. Saw the doc the day after. The following week I had to cancel because I had a bad cold. The next week his office called me as I was leaving my driveway for the 2 hour drive - my specialist was headed for immediate chemo and they had no idea what the plan was. I kept following up, but the staff didn't know. I knew he had said 30 days before I could be fitted for glasses. So I went to my local optometrist and ordered glasses, but they took 2 weeks and finally got the regular pair of no line bifocals today. In the meantime, using old frames, he did free of charge make me single lenses so that I could have a pair of driving glasses and a pair of reading glasses. (2 pairs of glasses with the new type of lenses and the exams - $752. Not in my budget, especially when the hospital bill was twice what the insurance had estimated for my share. The doctor, for obvious reasons, hasn't billed me yet.) I got a call today and he will see me Thursday. I hope the glasses I got are the right ones for my situation. If not, I am still, due to the delay in getting them, under the period where the optometrist can change them out at no additional fee to me - just more waiting. So for every bad there is a good, but it is wearing on my energy levels.

3. Worst of all, my son was arrested in prison. Taken to the hole with only the clothes on his back. He lost 9 lbs in 11 days. I only knew because another mother's whose son had met mine and thought he was a good person, told her and she told me. My son was not guilty and the investigation confirmed that, but after being out for 1.5 days, they put him back in because of accusations of unfair procedures. My son agreed to cooperate as he didn't want to see it end up in a riot (we know 2 prisons in AZ rioted and rumor there were 2 more that were kept out of the news). So I get to talk to him once a week for 10 minutes for the past 3 weeks, when the guards are able to take him to a phone. Since he went voluntarily they let him take his stuff with him so he can do his school work and everything. No securepak but they are letting him order from commissary so my ex (the transgendered step-parent) put money on his books last month and will again later this month. My son's dad, as usual, doesn't want to hear about it (as he pops open his next beer). Whatever caused the complaint by some other persons of a it was a different race. (I don't know if it's racial or something else going on as Arizona is ordered to integrate cells and dorms.) They will move my son to another prison. I just don't know when or where. My fear is Yuma which riot was in the news and they used shotguns and killed an inmate. Ideally, there is a prison 40 minutes from me. They have had him this whole time in a prison that is 350 miles away. But, I was used to it and the staff knew me. So for his last year in, I will have to start all over and worry about all those things of clothes passing, needing 2 pair of glasses, where to find a hotel, and how to get to places, which really sucks. My "normal" has been upended and I miss my son. His response to all of this has been, "hey, mom, for the first time in 6 years, I have my own room!" He has had his own room for 39 days now.

I am just down and can't seem to get motivated. I know seeing my son will alleviate a good portion of this. But I think all of it has stressed me and I can't get myself out and moving and getting things done. I am moseying instead of moving. I did go through the storage space and move boxes around to get a copy of last years taxes from behind the Christmas stuff. I did deal with the lawyer and trustee on my mother's estate and get answers for my sisters and documents corrected, signed, and mailed. Today, I did get the 1 pair of glasses and Thursday is the specialist, so maybe that will all help.

With the bad, there were bright spots. I think my son is going to be fine and he did the right thing going back into solitary, where he is probably safer. People have been good to me in all this stuff from the computer guy to ex-step-parent to optometrist.

I suspect I am getting more done than I think, but the taxes is the big cloud over my head and tomorrow I need to start moving out from under that. I think we probably all stress ourselves out at times and knowing something is going on with your child, not being able to do anything, just makes life stand still until you can see it's all ok. I won't have a choice about the taxes, but I know I will breathe and sleep and move more easily when I can see him again and we are back to "normal" routines.
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Old 04-10-2018, 10:14 PM
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Default

I wish I could hug you. Though the roles are all switched up (my husband in prison and having no visits because my health having been in the toilet, unpredictable circumstances all around at home), I feel your post on a soul level. I feel a bit like I'm shutting down. I've got a stack of "must do, and soon" on my desk that feels like Sysiphus taunting me.

We just get through, don't we? I told someone else today I'm taking life in 12 hour blocks. I get through the day, then the night, then the next day, the next night-- I can't stop because nothing else does. And what I want more than anything is to make that stupid long drive to see my husband in a room that's overheated and overcrowded because I want that moment of grounding so bad.

I hope they move your son closer. He sounds like he's making the most of his time living solo. I also hope your vision continues to heal and improve and that your out of pocket has covered your needs. I hope April is better.
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