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  #1  
Old 09-16-2017, 02:10 PM
WaitingWilkes WaitingWilkes is offline
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Default Relationship with a third party

Has any other outmate become involved with someone else while remaining "with" his incarcerated wife or LO? If so, do the women know about each other? How are they handling it?
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Old 09-16-2017, 08:19 PM
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But your wife is ok with it right.??? You said before she was as long as you didn't keep it a secret etc??? So how is she handling the news. Does she know this woman???
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Old 09-17-2017, 06:20 AM
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How do you feel you are handling her relationship inside? Do you feel like it's a benefit, a loss, nothing to threaten you, or what? She can have the same range of feelings. But, at this point, you have to face the reality that she didn't ask you about what yours were when she started her new relationship.
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Old 09-17-2017, 11:53 AM
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Well, I can't offer an exact replication, but I will say this.

I have always had a lot of female friends. I, generally (with a recent notable exception, ha!), get along with women better than I do with men.

All my closer friends knew about Dee, but people I got to know through my social groups that didn't know about her generally learned about her one of two ways.

1.) I reached a point of closeness with them where I felt comfortable talking with them about my love life.
2.) They wanted to become my love interest and I said "well...I have somebody" and was forced to explain. That actually was generally welcomed after the initial shock and I remained friends with those women. But none wanted to continue their pursuit or otherwise become involved as a third wheel.

So....I guess it depends on your level of honesty and their level of tolerance.

One stark contrast, though. With my female friends, they knew Dee was coming home at some point. In your case, Tammy might never come home based on her sentence. So you might get a different reaction. As to how Tammy might feel.....again, honesty. But she had an affair and didn't tell you, so my thinking is she kind of has to accept it? I could be wrong though....
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Old 09-17-2017, 03:40 PM
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Two is company three's a crowd!!! Let me be honest if my man ever dared to while I was away he'd be in for a shit storm of hell on earth!!! Same if I was away and getting it in there I'd never expect we would get past that. I know how I feel fidelity is #1 asset.
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Old 09-17-2017, 04:01 PM
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This is my opinion. If im locked up a long time. As long as we are honest. Id say go for it. It really is between yall.
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Old 09-18-2017, 07:11 AM
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But your wife is ok with it right.??? You said before she was as long as you didn't keep it a secret etc??? So how is she handling the news.

She’s a little jealous but she’s dealing with it. I think she might have an issue if I were with someone she knew or was friends with when we were together out here. Her having a lover inside makes us even, not to imply that either of us is “keeping score.” I’m not, anyway. I didn’t keep casual “dates” a secret because she wanted to know about it and I didn’t want to feel like I was sneaking around.

Does she know this woman???

They don’t know each other except through me. They’re curious about each other. That’s understandable.
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Old 09-18-2017, 07:13 AM
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How do you feel you are handling her relationship inside?

Iíve been OK with it since I got used to the idea. I still wish sheíd told me, though.

Do you feel like it's a benefit, a loss, nothing to threaten you, or what?

Her lover got released so their physical relationshipís in the past. Having someone in her life was a good thing for her. I donít begrudge it. It exposed a different facet of my wifeís personality, which is fascinating. She never expressed interest in other women while we were together. I donít see her having someone inside as a threat. Her first relationship didnít change ours. Iíd be upset if she did anything that reduced our visiting or phone privileges.

She can have the same range of feelings.

Any feelings she has are valid. I respect them.

But, at this point, you have to face the reality that she didn't ask you about what yours were when she started her new relationship.

No, she didnít. She kept it a secret for around 7 years. She even pointed out her lover when she was visiting with her husband (Tammy often pointed out attractive inmates to me) but never hinted that there was anything between them. I never asked her about it but maybe she got a kick out of me seeing her lover and commenting on how attractive she was. I didnít relay lose anything. The only thing it took from me was trust, which required some adjustment to my understanding of what we had.
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Old 09-18-2017, 07:16 AM
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So....I guess it depends on your level of honesty and their level of tolerance.


Iíve never hidden anything from her. Iíve been candid and shared details when she wanted me to.

One stark contrast, though. With my female friends, they knew Dee was coming home at some point. In your case, Tammy might never come home based on her sentence. So you might get a different reaction.

I never mentioned being married to women I had casual sex with. There was no reason to discuss personal issues. The lady Iím involved with is living with the same mess I am. Sheís married to a lifer. I donít have to tell her what itís like.

As to how Tammy might feel.....again, honesty. But she had an affair and didn't tell you, so my thinking is she kind of has to accept it? I could be wrong though....

Arguing about it wouldnít change anything. Iím doing what I need to do to get by, like she is. Our marriage is ďopenĒ despite her limited freedom to have satisfying relationships.
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Old 09-18-2017, 07:22 AM
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Two is company three's a crowd!!!

Two people together in love is a couple. Two people physically separated for life isnít, in our case. I was faithful to my wife until we lost her final appeal. She suggested that I ďdate.Ē

Let me be honest if my man ever dared to while I was away he'd be in for a shit storm of hell on earth!!! Same if I was away and getting it in there I'd never expect we would get past that. I know how I feel fidelity is #1 asset.

Fidelity is a beautiful thing. Reality is awfully lonely.
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Old 09-18-2017, 07:25 AM
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This is my opinion. If im locked up a long time. As long as we are honest. Id say go for it. It really is between yall.

A long time is going to be forever for us. It is between us but Iím open to advice from others in the same boat, if there are any.
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Old 09-18-2017, 12:08 PM
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You said the woman you are "friends" with is also involved with a lifer. Does her lifer know about your relationship? What if you and this woman end up falling in love with each other?

With you not only having a physical relationship but also having the connection of both having lifers, I wonder if it would be easier to slip into an emotional as well as physical relationship?
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Old 09-18-2017, 12:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WaitingWilkes View Post
So....I guess it depends on your level of honesty and their level of tolerance.


Iíve never hidden anything from her. Iíve been candid and shared details when she wanted me to.

One stark contrast, though. With my female friends, they knew Dee was coming home at some point. In your case, Tammy might never come home based on her sentence. So you might get a different reaction.

I never mentioned being married to women I had casual sex with. There was no reason to discuss personal issues. The lady Iím involved with is living with the same mess I am. Sheís married to a lifer. I donít have to tell her what itís like.

As to how Tammy might feel.....again, honesty. But she had an affair and didn't tell you, so my thinking is she kind of has to accept it? I could be wrong though....

Arguing about it wouldnít change anything. Iím doing what I need to do to get by, like she is. Our marriage is ďopenĒ despite her limited freedom to have satisfying relationships.
Makes sense.

Honestly, if all parties involved are okay with the arrangement, I do not see the harm in it.
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Old 09-18-2017, 01:13 PM
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You said the woman you are "friends"

Weíre friends with benefits.

with is also involved with a lifer.

Sheís more than involved with him. They were married and have little kids.

Does her lifer know about your relationship?

No. Heís already going nuts over her being outside without him. Heís jealous and possessive. He bullied her into getting a ďproperty ofĒ tattoo with his number on it. Her family and his think heís innocent and heíll get out on appeal or retrial and theyíll pick up where they left off.

What if you and this woman end up falling in love with each other?

Iím hoping that doesnít happen to either of us. Sheís a lot younger than I am; pretty close to my daughterís age. Iím not ready to be a parent again. I guess the best thing for me is hoping he gets out or she divorces him at some point and finds somebody her age when sheís free. Iím just playing it by ear. Thatís why I posted this thread.

With you not only having a physical relationship but also having the connection of both having lifers, I wonder if it would be easier to slip into an emotional as well as physical relationship?

Having so much in common is what got us together in the first place. I felt sorry for her. I was afraid I was taking advantage of her when we first got together. Hopefully Iím not. Iíve gotten used to living alone. She hasnít had time to.
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Old 09-18-2017, 01:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by missingdee View Post
Makes sense.

Honestly, if all parties involved are okay with the arrangement, I do not see the harm in it.
3 out of 4 are OK with it. Her husband, kids and family don't know. It's up to her whether she wants to tell them or him. I can't advise her about that.
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Old 09-18-2017, 01:30 PM
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You posted about her before right? How long have you been involved in the outside relationship?

Personally I don't feel someone serving a life sentence, married or not, should expect fidelity. It sounds like she is okay with it as long as you tell her. I hope that means tell her just about the fact you are having a relationship and not as a third party IN the relationship with you divulging everything that happens between the two of you. I also think that if you are in a full fledged relationship you run the risk of one or the other wanting the relationship without the inmate.

This is a subjective situation with as many right answers as there are people. Many people have open marriages on the outside and are successful so I say if all parties are okay with it and it makes you happy then I don't see a problem.

Have you thought about what you would do if at some point she isn't okay with it? Would you end the relationship? She's either okay with it or not or you may run into more issues down the line.
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Old 09-18-2017, 01:51 PM
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You posted about her before right? How long have you been involved in the outside relationship?

We corresponded for a while and got to know each other a bit before we got together a few months ago.

Personally I don't feel someone serving a life sentence, married or not, should expect fidelity.

I donít either. I might feel different if I were inside.

It sounds like she is okay with it as long as you tell her.

Tammy is OK with it. It took some getting used to for her but it also took me some getting used to that sheís had a love as well as sexual relationship inside.

I hope that means tell her just about the fact you are having a relationship and not as a third party IN the relationship with you divulging everything that happens between the two of you.

I answer any questions she asks about who, when, what, where and how.

I also think that if you are in a full fledged relationship you run the risk of one or the other wanting the relationship without the inmate.

Iíve been concerned about that happening nearly from the beginning. Itís a bridge I hope I donít have to cross.

This is a subjective situation with as many right answers as there are people.

Relationships between two people are never simple, no matter how few real problems they have with each other. Both of us being married to people inside makes things exponentially more complicated. Iím not sure how many moving parts there are when you add her family and in-laws.

Many people have open marriage on the outside and are successful

Definitely but on the outside both parties have an equal opportunity to explore, play and experience whatever theyíre into. We never talked about swinging when we were together or her being with another woman.

so I say if all parties are okay with it and it makes you happy then I don't see a problem.

The three directly involved parties know.

Have you thought about what you would do if at some point she isn't okay with it? Would you end the relationship? She's either okay with it or not or you may run into more issues down the line.

She being my wife or my friend?
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Old 09-18-2017, 02:56 PM
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Your wife. Say you have been in this relationship for 3 years. If your wife tells you she's isn't okay with it anymore would you end the relationship?

Putting myself in the shoes of the woman you are having the relationship with I would have an issue with you sharing personal details of the relationship with your wife but that's just me. If the woman is okay with it then there isn't a problem.
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Old 09-18-2017, 03:25 PM
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Your wife. Say you have been in this relationship for 3 years. If your wife tells you she's isn't okay with it anymore would you end the relationship?

I donít know. I guess it would depend on how intense the relationship was and why my wife suddenly wanted me to end it.

Putting myself in the shoes of the woman you are having the relationship with I would have an issue with you sharing personal details of the relationship with your wife but that's just me. If the woman is okay with it then there isn't a problem.

I told her Tammy asked me to tell her what I did with other people when we first stared exchanging messages. Sheís OK with it. She's very interested in Tammy.
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Old 09-18-2017, 03:31 PM
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I believe in the sanctity of marriage so for me none of that would work.

Thankfully, this is all new to me and I don't have to make any of those decisions...... my husband was sentenced to 6 months but this really got me thinking about a situation such as your's.

I can say that without a doubt I would not do the 3rd party thing BUT I honestly do not know if I have it in me to be committed to someone in prison for life. I know my belief system tells me that God intends for marriage to be until "death do you part" and my faith has grown through the years as did maturity. I am a very black and white thinker....yes or no....right or wrong....no (or not much room for) gray area because that to me is where trouble lies. My husband is at a camp due to "gray area" thinking....in my opinion. 10 years ago I don't know if my marriage could have withstood a conviction and jail time.

I guess I am wondering what is the benefit of staying married if it is in name only? Couldn't you just as easily divorce while still being a support for her yet be able to move on with your life? Just wondering.... if it is not a moral issue then what keeps you there?

**I am in no way passing judgement** If I come across that way, please chalk it up to my ignorance of what my new "normal" is**

I have come to realize how naive or sheltered I have been in small town living. This forum has opened my eyes to 1) how many are affected by prison system, and 2) how many people actually commit and/or stay committed to others in the system for unbelievable amounts of time.
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Old 09-19-2017, 02:24 PM
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I believe in the sanctity of marriage so for me none of that would work.

I donít advocate anyone doing anything that doesnít feel right to her/him.

Thankfully, this is all new to me and I don't have to make any of those decisions...... my husband was sentenced to 6 months but this really got me thinking about a situation such as your's.

Six months may seem like a long time but heíll soon be back at home.

I can say that without a doubt I would not do the 3rd party thing BUT I honestly do not know if I have it in me to be committed to someone in prison for life.

From what my wife says, itís pretty rare for any kind of male-female relationship with a woman with a relatively long sentence (e.g., 10 or more years) to last more than 3. From what Iíve seen at PTO, female outmates are generally more patient and loyal than most males. Iíve seen a lot of guys disappear from VRs after a few visits. Thatís not saying much for my gender.

I know my belief system tells me that God intends for marriage to be until "death do you part"

A life sentence or a sentence so lengthy itís a life sentence without the word ďlifeĒ that leaves a couple without hope of the LO getting released is a kind of death.

and my faith has grown through the years as did maturity. I am a very black and white thinker....yes or no....right or wrong....no (or not much room for) gray area because that to me is where trouble lies.

I canít reduce everything to black and white. Reality has a million shades of gray for me.

My husband is at a camp due to "gray area" thinking....in my opinion. 10 years ago I don't know if my marriage could have withstood a conviction and jail time.

People, points of view and relationships tend to change and evolve over time. Nature gives us some guidance; the two paths are adaptation or extinction. We chose to adapt.

I guess I am wondering what is the benefit of staying married if it is in name only?

Itís important to Tammy that sheís a wife. Itís something she holds onto; a shred of color in an artificially gray existence. We spend what time we can together. Weíre still in love.

Couldn't you just as easily divorce while still being a support for her yet be able to move on with your life?

I could but Iíd feel guilty about abandoning her after all this time. I donít think she could move on. Sheíd have no life.

Just wondering.... if it is not a moral issue then what keeps you there?

Stubbornness and knowing she needs me in her life.

**I am in no way passing judgement** If I come across that way, please chalk it up to my ignorance of what my new "normal" is**


I donít feel like youíre passing judgement. New normals of incarceration test us every day. Our incarcerated LOs are tested 24/7/365.


I have come to realize how naive or sheltered I have been in small town living.

I wish you could have continued to enjoy that happy, uncomplicated life. Reality has a nasty way of changing things, not always for the better.

This forum has opened my eyes to 1) how many are affected by prison system, and 2) how many people actually commit and/or stay committed to others in the system for unbelievable amounts of time.

Iíve learned a lot here myself. I donít feel nearly as alone in my situation.
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