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Friends & Families of Addicts Information for coping, dealing & living with a loved one's addictive behavior.

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  #1  
Old 06-20-2017, 08:31 AM
lh0828 lh0828 is offline
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Default To Hire a Lawyer or Not??

Hi Everyone - I am brand new here. Just as quick a background as possible..
My son is 26 years old. He has been using drugs off and on (mostly on) heavily since he was 19. I have put him in the BEST rehabs twice only for him to immediately relapse. He NEVER sticks to the program. I have bailed him out of jail for various 'minor' charges 9, yes NINE times.
Last year he was arrested and charged with UUMV and I bailed him out and sent him to rehab. I hired an attorney and he was put on deferred felony probation which he just violated. The PO gave a motion to revoke and according to her, he is looking at roughly a year in state prison. The charge was a state jail felony.
He is in the county jail now. He can get a court appointed attorney.
I spoke to a private attorney yesterday and he told me that this county and this court will not consider anything at this point besides prison.
No SAFP or CRCT options at all.
The attorney told me he knows he can get him 12-14 months. But he also told me and I quote: "Your son is going to prison period. I can get him roughly a year, but honestly so can a court appointed. I will take your money if you want me to, but it's a waste.".
I don't know what to do now. I can pay an attorney if I HAVE to, but I am in so so so much debt over the things my son has been doing already.
My question is: will a court appointed really work for him? The max he can get is two years. I think there is a big difference in ONE year and TWO years. I don't want to risk him getting 2 years, but I don't want to spend a ton of money if he will get the same anyway.
I've tried and tried so hard for him.... Do I get an attorney?
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Old 06-20-2017, 08:41 AM
rnsgaig rnsgaig is offline
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I wouldn't. And I know how hard it is to do tough love. This is his mess to clean up, not yours. IMO, one year might not be long enough because he probably will serve a fraction of it.

I hate the thought of my LO being in prison, but his path was much like your son's and if he hadn't gone to prison, he would likely be dead by now.

I don't like telling you this because I know you are hurting and scared, but it seems that being bailed out nine times and hiring lawyers has only enabled him to continue getting into trouble. He doesn't have any fear of being arrested, he knows Mom will be along to bail him out pay a lawyer to prevent any consequences of his actions.

I am sorry for what you are going through.
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  #3  
Old 06-20-2017, 09:19 AM
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I agree. My LO has said that the past two years were what he needed to really understand what it takes to be a real man. A provider, protector, etc. It feels harsh as a mom, but sometimes tough love is exactly what they need.
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Old 06-20-2017, 10:02 AM
gvalliant gvalliant is offline
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I'll add this. Your son has failed. As many addicts do. Not saying he's a bad person. Drug addiction is just nasty. If he stays out of prison now, expect this nightmare to continue.

One or two years. I guess it's a big difference. Understand that there are many people on this site whose LO's are in prison for over a decade, maybe decades all because of things they did that stem from their addiction.

Drugs are available in prison. But he needs money to get them. Maybe, whether one year or two in prison, this changes him. If he does not change the bigger problem is he sounds headed down that path of doing something that risks him being another one who spends decades in prison.

I'd vote let a PD handle this. Then you and him look at his life in a bigger picture.
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  #5  
Old 06-20-2017, 11:13 AM
lh0828 lh0828 is offline
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Thank you ALL so very much. I know you are exactly right and I plan to take your advice.
I have enabled wAY WAY too much. I am still paying off a loan on his last treatment center. i am making a payment on a truck I co-signed for AND the big tires he put on it. Just cleaning up mess after mess and I have FAILED him by doing so!! Thank you for helping to open my eyes to that! I think this site and forum is going to prove to be so useful. I'm so glad I found you all!!! Thank you again! I feel TONS better....because I knew what I needed to do, I just felt so guilty not running to the rescue!
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Old 06-20-2017, 11:17 AM
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I agree! Do not put anymore money out to defend or shield him from his sentence. I know how much you want to help your son!! It is refreshing to know the attorney you consulted told you the truth instead of taking your "easy" money!
A prison sentence could be what saves your son's life. Yes, he can get drugs in prison if he chooses to. On the other hand he will have a roof over his head and food in his stomach and hopefully time to clear and heal his brain....and maybe a chance to grow up. A prison stay will allow you to take a slight break from all the worry and stress his active addiction has caused you and regroup.
Gosh, I know how hard this is.
Our youngest son landed in jail a couple of times...he even violated probation. The very first time it was for underage drinking....later on it was for shoplifting beer and small items to get high.
He lived his young life in and out of rehab and halfway houses. My heart aches when I even think about it. We lost him 3.5 years ago to an accidental drug overdose, just one day before his 25 bday.
There is not one day that goes by that I do not relive the hell he put "himself" and our family through. Now no longer having him here is a new kind of HELL! I think about the what if's. What if he had gone to prison for a year or two or even 3. Would that have mattered? All the what if's are forever haunting along with the deep loss of missing our son.
It is all pure HELL...living the way you are now living, whether you are an enabler or not! For me being an enabler is so subjective. Tough love works for some and not all! We tried it all. All I know is my son was very broken you could see it in him!
I am so sorry another mom is going through this!
Be strong and have faith!
Surround yourself with a good support system!
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Last edited by Lordbew/us; 06-20-2017 at 11:25 AM..
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  #7  
Old 06-20-2017, 11:36 AM
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I am so so sorry to hear about your son!! God bless your heart.
I told his PO today that if he walks out of that jail before a year...he is a dead man walking and I know that.
I am going to lift you and your family in my prayers. I appreciate you reaching out on this post.
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Old 06-20-2017, 11:50 AM
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Thank you!
My prayers are with you and your son too!
May God give you wisdom and may your son's eyes be opened to the Truth!
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Old 06-20-2017, 11:53 AM
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I know you are scared for him. At 26, he is a grown man. If he was 19, I may have different thoughts. He needs to see the consequences of his actions. He needs to be uncomfortable.

You need to take care of yourself. The stress must be unbearable. Support hom, love him and send him packages. Get him the public defender. It is nice to see an honest lawyer who isn't trying to rob you.

This too shall pass. Hopefully this will save his life. As the days and months pass, you will see the bigger picture. Much love to ya
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Old 06-20-2017, 12:13 PM
lh0828 lh0828 is offline
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I have been crying and worrying for almost 10 years!!!
You guys are helping me out more than words can say!! I haven't felt this much peace in a long time.
So grateful for your input!!
Yes..the lawyer said "don't waste your money...go buy a new tv or something".. Kinda funny now that I think about it.
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Old 06-20-2017, 12:37 PM
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You are making the right choice by letting a PD take care of your son. You might also want to consider finding a Nar-Anon or some other family/loved ones of addicts support group for yourself.
My loved one in prison is a recovering addict. She is doing great, but I have still decided to start going to a local Nar-Anon meeting.
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Old 06-20-2017, 02:20 PM
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I'm with the majority here ..2 years won't kill him..actively using and running the streets just might. Hopefully he takes advantage of any programming available to him and the opportunity to re set his brain after years of drug use .I wouldn't spend any more money on a lawyer. Save it for phone calls and a little commissary money while he does his time . At least you will know where he is. Drug addiction is so consuming ..hopefully some jail time will wake him up .
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Old 06-20-2017, 02:57 PM
lh0828 lh0828 is offline
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His offense is a state jail felony, so he is going to state jail. Does anyone know if there are addiction programs available in state jail in Texas?
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Old 06-20-2017, 03:50 PM
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Don't know a thing about state jail. What I do know is that you really don't need to keep trying to prove that you're a good mom. You are, but you've got a common parent problem - shielding your child. Now that you're ending that sort of behavior, you will become a real, solid, open-eyed parent. Many hugs to you! It's gonna hurt, but it's the better option.
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Old 06-20-2017, 09:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lh0828 View Post
His offense is a state jail felony, so he is going to state jail. Does anyone know if there are addiction programs available in state jail in Texas?
You should post questions specific to Texas in the Texas forums. There will be people there with experience.

Here in California, not nearly enough programs. Inmates do more for themselves in that respect than CDCR does for them. Inmates organize their own AA and NA meetings. They sponsor each other. Maybe not as extensive as one would find on the outside. Those who want it find it.

They have to really want it. REALLY WANT IT. Prison has that potential to make them REALLY want to be clean. Not because of the help prison system provides. But they are ultimately forced to make that decision aren't they.

We pull for each other's LO to make it. You've read some amazing inputs from every poster on this thread. They have all gone through huge struggles as you can see. All here pulling for your son to make it.

Can't promise results but we all support the decision you're heading to. Do not beat yourself up for doing that. Do not beat yourself up for decisions you've made in the past. I've done the same things. Many have. Do not feel guilty, hard as it is. Do not feel like you have to make excuses to anybody about what you or your son have done or will do. I've listened to my share of second guessing from family and friends thinking I've done things wrong. Screw em.

Check out the Texas thread, you'll find some answers there.
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Old 06-22-2017, 03:24 PM
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I do not envy your position.

You have given your son many, MANY opportunities to get his act cleaned up. You have shown love and support. You have done exactly what I would do if one of my children were in his shoes (and I pray they never are.)

He clearly has not gotten the message he needs to receive. He gets the "my parent is always going to support" me message. But not the "there are consequences for my actions" message.

At this point state jail is probably the best thing to get the point across. Not an easy pill to swallow. But kid gloves aren't getting the point across. Maybe having a bunkie drive home the point of how good he's got it and how most people there could only dream of having that many chances to get it right. Maybe seeing what happens will turn him around.

For both your sakes, I hope so.

I say let him sink or swim with the court appointed lawyer, especially if the result is going to be state jail one way or the other.
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Old 06-22-2017, 03:29 PM
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I have been where you are: our son was 28, continued to drink and one night committed a class X felony.

We paid a lot of $$ for a private attorney as he was facing 30-60 years. Private attorney got him 8.5 at 85%.

Our son has been incarcerated for almost 4 years now with 3+ more to go. We visit regularly but he is very aware that we will not pay out again. Once - okay but no more.

Your son is 26 - he has to stand on his own two feet. Again - I totally get how hard this is but you won't always be around to catch him when he falls.

1-2 years in prison - piece of cake - doesn't matter if its 2 years - he did the crime...

I'm very sorry you are going thru this...
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