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Old 05-31-2012, 10:43 AM
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Default My son is an Addict - I kicked him out yesterday

I can honestly say that this is probably the worse day of my life. After years of struggling with my sons addiction(s), losing thousands of dollars in money and material things, sleep, stress, humility, friends, family among other things I forced my son to leave yesterday. He left saying that he understood why, he left with no money and no place to go. He left with the clothes on his back. I am left with a deep hole in my heart. It honestly feels as if my chest has been cut open and someone is pouring shards of glass onto my heart.

Months ago after bailing him out of jail I attended an Alanon meeting. It was good but I haven't been back because everyone talked about alcohol. I think it is for families who have a loved one that suffers from alcohol addiction. Where do I go? Where do families go with loved ones who are addicted to oxy and heroine?
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Old 05-31-2012, 10:49 AM
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I feel for you, honey. I know the decision you made was difficult. I don't know if this will be of help to you but it seems that Nar-Anon is more akin to the support you desire. I located THIS site for you, maybe you can find something in your area. Best wishes to you and your family.
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Old 05-31-2012, 11:02 AM
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I know how you feel, I had to do the same exact thing to my son, the only thing I made sure of is that he got one meal per day even if it ment leaving a sandwich on my porch......... he was living on a bench at the transit center addicted to heroine.. the best thing that happened to him was he ended up in jail for theft and was sentenced to 1 year of live in rehab here in ky. That was Dec 12th, my son has been sober sincee 11/13/2012 ( his arrest date) and thank god is doing well in rehab. I am still very aware that he is one relapse away from being where he was before but for today he is sober and for that I am grateful. I guess my point is that there is ALWAYS HOPE.. its never easy.

Hugs for you momma.........I have been where you are at, and I feel your pain!! hang in there!!
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Old 05-31-2012, 11:12 AM
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maybe your son will realize he needs help and is losing his family because of his addiction. i frequently watch intervention and youre doing the right thing. if he aint willing to change you need to someone force him to be willing to change. atleast he understands. addiction is a disease to the core. i have seen it in full force most addicts dont realize they need help for 10 sometimes 20 years. i really hope your son sees what he is losing and how much better life can be. there are na meetings frequently and also programs for families of those whos love ones suffer from addiction. you came to the right place for support keep your head up hopefully something good will come out of it.
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Old 05-31-2012, 06:14 PM
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Patty pointed you to Nar-Anon, and that is a good thing. An addiction is an addiction, no matter what the drug of choice is. Please get support for yourself as well.

You have done all that you could do, but there comes a point when you have to let them stand on their own two feet and decide for themselves what is more important in life. I know this is not easy for you. You are a mother, and everything in your heart cries out to help and nurture your son. I know you don't see it now, but what you have done is to nurture in a way that is best for him right now, and it will be best for you. Your mother's heart is broken right now, However, now you can start to heal.
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Old 05-31-2012, 06:39 PM
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I can honestly say that this is probably the worse day of my life. After years of struggling with my sons addiction(s), losing thousands of dollars in money and material things, sleep, stress, humility, friends, family among other things I forced my son to leave yesterday. He left saying that he understood why, he left with no money and no place to go. He left with the clothes on his back. I am left with a deep hole in my heart. It honestly feels as if my chest has been cut open and someone is pouring shards of glass onto my heart.

Months ago after bailing him out of jail I attended an Alanon meeting. It was good but I haven't been back because everyone talked about alcohol. I think it is for families who have a loved one that suffers from alcohol addiction. Where do I go? Where do families go with loved ones who are addicted to oxy and heroine?
My heart and prayers go out to you and your son. Truly. Rest assured, you did the right thing. The sooner and faster he has to experience the painful consequences of his addiction, the sooner he will get clean. Witnessing your child slowly killing himself is an experience one would not wish on anyone.

I was a heroin addict for many years, long ago. My 21yr old son has also chosen to follow in myfootsteps and is an oxy/heroin addict. He has a 16 month old son and will tell you that my grandchild is the only reason he is still alive.

Like you, I have tried to help him as my mother did with me. Alas, I am not my mother and know from my own addiction that until an addict makes the choice to get clean, there is nothing anyone can say or do that will stop the downward spiral. My son left detox at the end of April and I had to let go. I have not spoken to him since. I pray that he will come out of this alive or end up in prison before he kills himself. He is due to receive a very very large settlement within the next few months and all I can do is pray that he will choose to get and stay clean.

In the meantime, I have to accept (continually) that there is nothing I can do. I, too, chose to experience deep addiction and I would not be who I am today were it not for my experiences.

In my heart I believe that we all have a plan for our lives. Sometimes, it includes deep addiction. All I can do is pray that the angels that walk with my son will keep him safe and guide him back to who he truly is.

My thoughts and prayers are with you both.
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Old 05-31-2012, 07:02 PM
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The only problem with Nar-Anon is that there are so few places. i hope they have one in your area.
Im so sorry that you are going through this.. I know it was the hardest thing you have ever done.... I pray peace for your heart and healing for your son,, deliverance from this addiction that binds him.....
Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you.....
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Old 06-01-2012, 04:40 AM
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If you can't find a Nar-Anon meeting give Al-Anon another try. I almost guarantee you that there are others there who have loved ones who are addicts and not just alcoholics. Just substitute your son's drug of choice in your mind every time someone says alcohol. I started Al-Anon 3 years ago b/c of my alcoholic Ex but continue going b/c my current guy and my son are both users. My boyfriend even tells me over the phone, "You sound like you need a meeting, you are worrying too much about me and not yourself"!
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Old 06-01-2012, 09:49 AM
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Just know that all us mom's, have placed you in our hearts, hoping and praying you get some comfort here.

I lucked out with my kids and I remind myself of that daily. My son and I were just sharing about his friend who died 3 years ago. My son, he's 24, told me she was a great girl, just hanging with the wrong crowd.

My girlfriend called me into her families intervention. What a difficult journey. I looked her son in the eye and did the best an outsider could do. He listened, but I knew the drug was stronger than us. I gave her a big hug, told her we had to get a prayer circle going for him, and hope he lands it in jail, where at this point he would be the safest. He did, he's alive, and at this point in his life, that's the best we all could do.

My man, who's incarcerated, has had his fair share of being "Mr. Party". I allowed him to keep in contact with me, but have no benefits of that contact. I felt like his life raft, but refused to enable. Wanted to so bad, but knew I just couldn't. He is doing great now, finally ready to let that part of his life go, and after waiting 9yrs to see it, I'm finally relieved and excited.

I truly believe having a son/daughter addicted, has got to be so much harder than what I've experienced. I wish you some comfort in knowing that, even strangers such as me, have shed a tear reading your story, and wish/hope/pray that you hang on to the strength it takes, to tough love him outta his situation. Godspeed!
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Old 06-01-2012, 11:15 AM
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Thank you so much for all of your kind words and support. I can't tell you how much it means to just sit here and read the comments and cry. I went to an Alanon meeting yesterday morning. I can't say that it made me feel better but I hope that in time I will understand. I did look up a local Nar-anon meeting. It is true there are very few of them but I did find one in my area that meets on Saturday mornings. It is not the best time for me but I am making it a priority and will go there tomorrow morning.

My sons cell phone is in my name and I told him before he left that I would be turning it off as I couldn't allow him to be using it for his drug deals with my name on the account. I haven't turned it off yet.... It's like it is the last single thread I have to him now that he is out of the house. My mind thinks- maybe he will call me and tell me he is ready. Yeah, I know....
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Old 06-01-2012, 03:08 PM
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You are very welcome. You just shared a great tool to use in your favor. Turn that phone off immediately. He'll be in contact with you much faster, and almost immediately. Seriously. To get the phone back, he needs to complete a program of some sort. Heroin and oxy are the hardest ones and do the most damage. Don't allow that phone to be his gateway!

When they want to get ahold of us mom's, they know how and quick...

Try checking with your local community, because oxy is having serious consequences on our youth and we have had community meetings at the middle school where parents can go to learn and share.

Around here, programs are getting scarce, so most are going to AA meetings and sharing their stories and are being welcomed by the long-timers. I went 6 months to AA instead of Al-Anon, just so I could listen to the stories and gain some understanding into their lives and to learn from their personal experiences. For me, it was about gaining understanding and compassion as to "why". For me, it helped tremendously and I'm very thankful to those who shared their stories.
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Old 06-01-2012, 09:47 PM
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You are very welcome. You just shared a great tool to use in your favor. Turn that phone off immediately. He'll be in contact with you much faster, and almost immediately. Seriously. To get the phone back, he needs to complete a program of some sort. Heroin and oxy are the hardest ones and do the most damage. Don't allow that phone to be his gateway!

When they want to get ahold of us mom's, they know how and quick...

Try checking with your local community, because oxy is having serious consequences on our youth and we have had community meetings at the middle school where parents can go to learn and share.

Around here, programs are getting scarce, so most are going to AA meetings and sharing their stories and are being welcomed by the long-timers. I went 6 months to AA instead of Al-Anon, just so I could listen to the stories and gain some understanding into their lives and to learn from their personal experiences. For me, it was about gaining understanding and compassion as to "why". For me, it helped tremendously and I'm very thankful to those who shared their stories.
I had no idea you could go to an AA meeting unless you were an alcoholic? I'm surprised that they would allow that? I think that would be soooooo helpful to hear from people that actually went or are going through it themselves. That is the question that goes through my mind constantly - why?? I've asked my son and he doesn't have an answer for me. He says stress and drama but what the stress and drama is, he can't tell me. To me it seems that the stress and drama would come from the fact he is using? I don't know, I don't understand.

I appreciate your suggestion to turn off the phone and to use that as a tool. I think I agree with that. One of the hard things for me is me giving up or giving in to the fact that I really can't do this for him or make him stop using. I don't know why that is so hard for me to get - but it is.

I'm actually looking forward to going to the nar-alon meeting tomorrow morning.
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Old 06-01-2012, 09:54 PM
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I can honestly say that this is probably the worse day of my life. After years of struggling with my sons addiction(s), losing thousands of dollars in money and material things, sleep, stress, humility, friends, family among other things I forced my son to leave yesterday. He left saying that he understood why, he left with no money and no place to go. He left with the clothes on his back. I am left with a deep hole in my heart. It honestly feels as if my chest has been cut open and someone is pouring shards of glass onto my heart.

Months ago after bailing him out of jail I attended an Alanon meeting. It was good but I haven't been back because everyone talked about alcohol. I think it is for families who have a loved one that suffers from alcohol addiction. Where do I go? Where do families go with loved ones who are addicted to oxy and heroine?
I do not believe there could be anything worse than removing a child from of the home, addiction or not. I would think it would be even more difficult when addiction is involved, because you never know what may end up happening with them.

You are practicing tough love and hun, that is the best thing you can do for yourself and your child. This may be what helps him make the choice to get clean and stay that way.

Try a Nar-anon meeting, as that may fit your situation better. I myself have attended Al-anon and do see how drug addiction is not what a lot of them are living with.

I wish you and your Son, the very best.

Peace~
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Old 06-01-2012, 09:54 PM
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One of the hard things for me is me giving up or giving in to the fact that I really can't do this for him or make him stop using. I don't know why that is so hard for me to get - but it is.
Once you come to the realization that you didn't cause his disease, you can't control his disease and you can't cure his disease, you will feel much better.
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Old 06-01-2012, 10:08 PM
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Once you come to the realization that you didn't cause his disease, you can't control his disease and you can't cure his disease, you will feel much better.
When I went to the Alanon meeting yesterday, I heard someone say just what you said. I HAVE been asking myself, what did I do? What didn't I do? I guess I feel like he must be missing something that I didn't give him? I guess I think-- don't people use because they need to feel better about something they need and aren't getting? I want to know what causes this disease. I'm sure I am showing loud and clear how naive I am about this. I know I have much to learn.
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Old 06-01-2012, 10:11 PM
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because you never know what may end up happening with them.
That is what terrifies me.
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Old 06-01-2012, 10:15 PM
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That is what terrifies me.
Try to trust that the Universe (God, whatever you call it) will take care of him and you.....it will all work out, just like it is supposed to.

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Old 06-02-2012, 03:58 AM
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I know how hard this is for you but you are doing the right thing. Sometimes addicts have to hit rock bottom before they are ready. You are both in my thoughts and prayers
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Old 06-02-2012, 06:00 AM
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I had no idea you could go to an AA meeting unless you were an alcoholic? I'm surprised that they would allow that? I think that would be soooooo helpful to hear from people that actually went or are going through it themselves. That is the question that goes through my mind constantly - why??

Some AA meetings are open meetings where anyone can come and others are closed ones for alcoholics only. If you look up their schedule in your town, the meetings should be labeled if they are open or closed.
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Old 06-02-2012, 08:49 AM
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You can go to an AA meeting, but truly right now you'd probably be better off going to an Al-Anon meeting. You will learn a lot there about the disease and about yourself. Trust me when I tell you, it's not something you did or didn't do. You could be the 100% perfect mother and he would still do what he does.
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Old 06-02-2012, 09:03 AM
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I'm sorry to hear that your son is in the grasp of addiction and that you are both hurting.

If you have trouble finding the outside support that you need, let me suggest a good read that will help. The book, Codeptendent No More by Melodie Beattie, is a great resource and you can pick up a copy online for around 10 bucks.

Stay strong for your son and seek the help you need. Please try not to pre-judge what codependence is. Codependence is what happens to normal people who are simple trying to understand and deal with abnormal circumstances happening to those that they love.

Hang in there and you'll both be in my prayers.
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Old 06-02-2012, 09:17 AM
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Yes, that's what they are called, open meetings. You see it was suggested to me by a 20yr recovery sponsor. She said I was complaining too much. She knew it was what I needed and she was right. I told the meeting chair, who I was, why I was there, and I was accepted. My sponsor told me to stay quiet, and LISTEN.

For me, understanding the stories helped me tremendously. When they say stress and drama, it is. There are a lot of pressures for today's youth that are much different than when we were growing up. It's real and it affects them all. Some can't cope and turn to drugs for relief. Others the pressure of being cool.

In one of the meetings at our middle school, they spoke of these parties where the youth get prescription drugs from family cabinets, throw them all into a bowl, and play a game. Loser must take x-amount of pills, not knowing what they are mixing. I believe I hit the roof on that one...We are talking very young kids.

For me, I learned "diversion". It doesn't work for all of them, but it does work alot of the times. In my experience, they need to replace the negative with their "one love"; fishing, wakeboarding, surfing, snowboarding, biking, hiking, outdoorsy physical kinds of things. Working out helps level that anger the young men can get and muscles are always cool. My son rides motox and can't be under the influence when he hits that 60ft. jump. It gives him that legal adrenaline rush and he's so into it.

After hearing the stories, I, myself, realized that even me in those situations could have made the same choices. I gained an understanding that I was, what I call lucky, and whenever I can, I pass it forward.

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Old 06-02-2012, 10:00 AM
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I can honestly say that this is probably the worse day of my life. After years of struggling with my sons addiction(s), losing thousands of dollars in money and material things, sleep, stress, humility, friends, family among other things I forced my son to leave yesterday. He left saying that he understood why, he left with no money and no place to go. He left with the clothes on his back. I am left with a deep hole in my heart. It honestly feels as if my chest has been cut open and someone is pouring shards of glass onto my heart.

Months ago after bailing him out of jail I attended an Alanon meeting. It was good but I haven't been back because everyone talked about alcohol. I think it is for families who have a loved one that suffers from alcohol addiction. Where do I go? Where do families go with loved ones who are addicted to oxy and heroine?
I have read all of the kind and compassionate responses and suggestions you have rec'd.

I was a heroin addict for over 20 yrs. off and on and in between treatment/jail/prison. I went to over 44 treatment centers (of all types) in 9 different states from the age of 23 to 39. I have been clean for over 12yrs now.

This last time I got clean I attended only AA meetings in NY as I feel there is more quality clean/sobriety time there as opposed to NA. I do speak at institutional NA meetings from time to time.

I have also attended alanon/naranon meetings with my mother in the past. I believe you will find the most quality support going to a large well-established AA meeting. The "old-timers" will welcome you with open arms and applaud your bravery for coming to tell your story. Make sure that you raise your hand as soon as they open the meeting up for shares and tell them what is going on for you. Throughout the remainder of the shares you will receive guidance and support. They will talk to you after the meeting and offer further support. The younger people who are new to "the program" will also benefit from what you have to share as it will open their eyes and hearts as to the damage their addictions have caused and will cause if they choose to resume their addictions.

Be brave. Find an "open" established and large AA meeting. Raise your hand when they open it up for shares and talk to them. Remember...they need to hear what you have to say as much as you need to tell it. Then just hang out after the meeting for awhile.

If and when your son is ready to get clean? Delancey Street in San Francisco is is the best our country has to offer in the way of treatment.

Just my humble insights and suggestions.....
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Old 06-02-2012, 11:18 AM
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Ok. Lisa Jeanne has me tearing up. I just reflected on that meeting where they asked me to share. I did, nervous as all get out. Then all of a sudden, they all stood up clapping and gave me a standing ovation. Although I only knew what they go through from listening, we did have a common bond, it's called compassion/acceptance of one's pain.
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Old 06-02-2012, 12:23 PM
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Wow! Yeah, all of these comments have got me tearing up and thinking. I just got back from an alanon meeting. I didn't speak. I just listened. There is only one alanon group in my area and it meets just on Saturday mornings. Afterwards, I had to just sit in my truck for awhile and get my wits about me before driving home. I will go back and I will also look to see if I can find an AA meeting to go to.
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