My Daughter Wants To Tell Her Best Friend About My BF in Prison

[Rick's Girl Ont]

I went to visit my man yesterday and it just so happens my ex is working in the same area for the next 6 months. I took my daughter and her best friend ( who are both 12) up there to see her dad and he took them to an amusement park while I went to go see my bf.

The visit was amazing but on the way back, he called me in the car and my daughter's friend was sitting next to me. She knew I had a bf but didn't know anything about him. Then my daughter starts asking me if I can tell. I said, no way and that my relationship is private.

I don't want to hide my relationship and I'm not ashamed that my bf is in prison but I don't want my daughter getting hurt as a result of decisions that I've made. I'm aware that not everyone is going to be okay with me going out with a convict. I don't care but when it comes to my daughter and the consequences of her getting hurt scares me. I just worry that one day down the road, it may get leaked out and will hurt her in the process.

Am I wrong to be doing this? My daughter knows about my relationship with R but 12 year olds definitely aren't understanding or at the level of maturity to take the right stance. This would be juicy gossip and I'm sure they would ridicule her. They can be cruel as we all know since we were all there at one point in our lives. I don't want her to go through that. She is popular and in the past many girls have been jealous of her and tried to pick on her. She is a nice girl and while other girls insulted her, she didn't insult them back.

I find sometimes she is too trusting and naive to understand the consequences. Especially if this girl's parents were to find out. She once told me she needs a friend to confide in about my relationship with R because she does not fully approve of him. She can't get past the fact that he is in prison right now and has done bad things in her eyes. I told her not to tell her friend and to respect R because he is not here to defend himself and that my private life isn't for all her friends to know.


Has anyone else had to deal with? Any advice would be appreciated.

[Patty]

I really don't think that children need to be involved in their parents relationships early on. I mention this because I seem to remember that you only knew your guy a couple of weeks before he was incarcerated. What's done is done as you have shared the information with her. The truth is at some point she has or will tell someone. That's how it goes. You won't be able to shield her from any fall out at this point whether you give your permission or she just shares the info on her own. All you can do is to support her as best as possible.

[becky7722]

if your daughter asked permission at least she did that instead of saying behind your back, have a chat with your daughter about your worrys. My son is 12 and knows my partner is locked up and why, but I don't think he will be telling anyone. I don't know it is a delicate subject.

[Scott]

Originally Posted by Rick's Girl Ont

I went to visit my man yesterday and it just so happens my ex is working in the same area for the next 6 months. I took my daughter and her best friend ( who are both 12) up there to see her dad and he took them to an amusement park while I went to go see my bf.

The visit was amazing but on the way back, he called me in the car and my daughter's friend was sitting next to me. She knew I had a bf but didn't know anything about him. Then my daughter starts asking me if I can tell. I said, no way and that my relationship is private.

I don't want to hide my relationship and I'm not ashamed that my bf is in prison but I don't want my daughter getting hurt as a result of decisions that I've made. I'm aware that not everyone is going to be okay with me going out with a convict. I don't care but when it comes to my daughter and the consequences of her getting hurt scares me. I just worry that one day down the road, it may get leaked out and will hurt her in the process.

Am I wrong to be doing this? My daughter knows about my relationship with R but 12 year olds definitely aren't understanding or at the level of maturity to take the right stance. This would be juicy gossip and I'm sure they would ridicule her. They can be cruel as we all know since we were all there at one point in our lives. I don't want her to go through that. She is popular and in the past many girls have been jealous of her and tried to pick on her. She is a nice girl and while other girls insulted her, she didn't insult them back.

I find sometimes she is too trusting and naive to understand the consequences. Especially if this girl's parents were to find out. She once told me she needs a friend to confide in about my relationship with R because she does not fully approve of him. She can't get past the fact that he is in prison right now and has done bad things in her eyes. I told her not to tell her friend and to respect R because he is not here to defend himself and that my private life isn't for all her friends to know.


Has anyone else had to deal with? Any advice would be appreciated.

Remember that at this state of your daughter's development you are teaching your daughter all about "relationships". You are modeling "adult behavior" to her, which she is certain to mimic or emulate. I'm not quite sure that the lesson you are teaching is a really helpful one, or, as your daughter gets older, will really be useful for her in navigating these difficult waters.

The fact of the matter is that your private life isn't private at all when it comes to kids - of course they want to share what's going on with their friends. Imagine the message you are sending to her by expecting her to keep this stuff secret? She knows all about her friends parents and what's going on in their lives - but isn't expected to share about hers? The message that sends to her is that Mom is doing something bad, shameful or embarrassing - or that there has to be something sneaky about your relationship for it to work.

Twelve years old is a very critical time. Be really, really clear on whose needs you are concerned about - yours, or your daughters. And know, like it or not, that you are setting the stage for all kinds of problems with the duplicity that seems to exist with your current relationship.

There are consequences to your being in relationship with "R", but those consequences need to be your consequences, not hers. And, as far as respecting "R", respect always needs to be earned, not freely given. Right now the message you are clearly sending (to her) is that he isn't worthy of respect because you have to hide the relationship, so expecting her to respect him just because you tell her too is unrealistic just probably not going to happen. The danger you face is that her antipathy towards him will enlarge and encompass you as well. That would be very sad.

[Scotties_Girl21]

I think your right to tell her no and your relationship is private. I say its better to just Dodge that bullet all together and not take the chance of it coming back to something negative. That's just added stress I'm sure you don't need and she should be concentrating on kid things, having fun, being a child not adult issues.
:goodluck!:

Every day brings me one day closer to you....<3

[Patty]

Originally Posted by Scotties_Girl21

I think your right to tell her no and your relationship is private. I say its better to just Dodge that bullet all together and not take the chance of it coming back to something negative. That's just added stress I'm sure you don't need and she should be concentrating on kid things, having fun, being a child not adult issues.
:goodluck!:

Every day brings me one day closer to you....<3

She's already involved. I've worked with young people for many years. As parents, we can tell them no until we're blue in the face, that doesn't mean we'll get the desired result. Besides why should the child bear the burden of keeping mom's secret? It's unfair and sets a bad example. Parents who expose their children to these situations should be prepared for the invevitable fall out. The choices we make affect others. I say, children first, always!

[Rick's Girl Ont]

Originally Posted by Scott

Remember that at this state of your daughter's development you are teaching your daughter all about "relationships". You are modeling "adult behavior" to her, which she is certain to mimic or emulate. I'm not quite sure that the lesson you are teaching is a really helpful one, or, as your daughter gets older, will really be useful for her in navigating these difficult waters.

The fact of the matter is that your private life isn't private at all when it comes to kids - of course they want to share what's going on with their friends. Imagine the message you are sending to her by expecting her to keep this stuff secret? She knows all about her friends parents and what's going on in their lives - but isn't expected to share about hers? The message that sends to her is that Mom is doing something bad, shameful or embarrassing - or that there has to be something sneaky about your relationship for it to work.

Twelve years old is a very critical time. Be really, really clear on whose needs you are concerned about - yours, or your daughters. And know, like it or not, that you are setting the stage for all kinds of problems with the duplicity that seems to exist with your current relationship.

There are consequences to your being in relationship with "R", but those consequences need to be your consequences, not hers. And, as far as respecting "R", respect always needs to be earned, not freely given. Right now the message you are clearly sending (to her) is that he isn't worthy of respect because you have to hide the relationship, so expecting her to respect him just because you tell her too is unrealistic just probably not going to happen. The danger you face is that her antipathy towards him will enlarge and encompass you as well. That would be very sad.

You are right. I spoke to my daughter yesterday and we had a long talk. I want to be open and honest with her but the only thing I was afraid of was her getting hurt from outside influences. I told her if she needs to tell her friend then to tell her. I am not ashamed of R as many others in my family now know about him and have accepted the situation.

She did tell her friend and the friend thought it wasn't a big deal. I wasn't concerned so much about her best friend's reaction but only those who are uninformed about the situation and don't know anything about except for hearsay. I know there are consequences in having a relationship with R but I'm ready to deal them head on. My daughter feels she shouldn't have to hide things and I commend her for that.

[mrs.beautifly1]

i agree at least ur daughter asked ur permisson to tell her best friend. i have four children and they are all aware of my relationship with my fiance who is locked up. they are aware how we met how he feels abt me and feels abt my children. they know he loves me and them as well , they also call him there DAD . my family, friends, n my childrens friends do know what kinda man im with , its no secret.
and there is no problem with u not wanting ur daughters friends to know , or even ur daughter . when the time is right thenu will be more comfortable .