Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

Lizatwin1 · #1 09-15-2012, 11:46 AM

I'm scratching my head wondering what some here are thinking! what would possess anyone who loves, engaged, married, related to a

INMATE, CONVICTED FELON, who lives in a PRISON to be so righteous and critical of their peers?!!!! we already have so many in society who have judged them and now judge us for making the decision to walk alongside that person we love.
This forum was designed for us to obtain, exchange, suggest, share our views, life, without the same insensitivity that others impose on us who don't know what its like to be in a relationship with a inmate. We are not to verbally assault, NOT to be cruel, mean, and insulting. So when I read posts by someone whose moral compass is in overdrive, my first reaction is "are you kidding me"?!!! I want to remind that self professed disciple of knowledge that in case it slipped their mind, they can't overlook their own choices. We all have our own perspectives and views. We can agree to disagree. But there must be a cardinal rule for respective exchange. At the end of the day we have chosen a non-traditional relationship, we live each day prepared for the unexpected, as no one can be ready for what's to come when we live this life with a inmate.
So I just wish people can demonstrate some restraint when sharing their point of views, how they express and translate their thoughts. Its like bullying. You don't know how you express your views will affect another person. Needed to vent since evidently some need to be reminded that it takes no effort to be decent, subtle, polite & kind.

missdebbie92025 · #2 09-15-2012, 12:10 PM

Sometimes opinions are mistaken for judgement.the lady's here are not judging you .they have been there done that.they talk from experience. Sometimes we are. Not ready to hear what they have to say.when you post on here you open your self up to all kinds of opinions. Sometimes we don't like what is being said.they try to be as diplomatic and nice as possible. If your looking for Sugarcoating your not going to get it here.that is one of the reasons we are all here to hear the truth and to get support.Would you rather them tell you its ok he will change just hang in there.thats not going to happen.We all know what happens in a abusive relationship it never ends well.the kids are affected by it and we cannot see it cause we are to close to the situation so sometimes outside help is needed isn't that why we are all here to get outside help and support.well im not going to go on and on.what it comes down to is your friends and relatives don't understand so you come here for support and because you don't like what they said your mad and feel no one understands.trust me they do understand what your going though.

Missdebbie. Sent from my DROID2 GLOBAL using PrisonTalk

Lizatwin1 · #3 09-15-2012, 02:17 PM

Actually I wasn't referring to anything anyone replied to what I posted. It was a thread someone else had started and I was reading the responses. I am very aware that the minute I share something, I no longer own it. I am not seeking nor suggesting sugar coating. I clearly said civility, courtesy, kindness, can be communicated thru any reply. Honesty isn't sugarcoating. I know my reality. You obvious misunderstood my post because it had nothing to do with me nor anyone specific. It was general and about communicating effectively without being cruel. I'm not just in this. I been riding this 17 yrs with my husband & know him 30 yrs. We are good. He doesnt curse at me. He doesnt hit me. So your post is presumptuous in stating that its about me, my man, change or abuse. Thank you anyway.

**Patty** · #4 09-15-2012, 02:54 PM

The best thing about PTO is the diversity amongst its community members. Along with that comes a wide range of opinions and life experiences. Frankly, that is what PTO is about and I for one am glad to be a part of a community that understands that in an effort to remain the premier site of its kind we must not just pat members on the head and say, "everything's gonna be alright" when infact it may not be based on what they have shared with us.

With the thousands of threads that are created on this site on a daily basis it is very easy for members to simply pass by those that do not apply to them, anger them, or otherwise get under their skin in favor of those they feel more comfortable participating in.

billysbutton · #5 09-15-2012, 03:17 PM

I see both sides...some are more outspoken than others but I don't think anyone is intentionally going out of their way to be rude..at least I hope not. Patty brings up a good point regarding the diversity of members and experiences. I'm also glad to be a member and help others when possible. I can understand how certain comments can come off as a bit rude but in my opinion those comments are coming from people that have been there and done that and they are being real and letting others know how it is. Some are more sensitive than others I think...or perhaps what they are hearing is ringing true and they don't wanna hear it...regardless I feel the majority of members do have other members best interest at heart. So my advice would be take what you want from the replies and leave behind what you want but don't go away feeling attacked...

thatwiz · #6 09-15-2012, 03:22 PM

Not everyone is going to agree or be supportive in the same way. My friends father was murdered by someone. Every time he goes up for parole, everyone that knows him writes letters against it-this guys been in over 30 years now and as it looks will never get out. So I am opposing someone never getting out of prison to having had someone in prison who got out-not for the same thing, but in life, not everything is equal. Some people are just more real with the situations that others. Not everything is positive or turns out that way.

InmateLover67 · #7 09-15-2012, 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lizatwin1

I'm scratching my head wondering what some here are thinking! what would possess anyone who loves, engaged, married, related to a

INMATE, CONVICTED FELON, who lives in a PRISON to be so righteous and critical of their peers?!!!! we already have so many in society who have judged them and now judge us for making the decision to walk alongside that person we love.
This forum was designed for us to obtain, exchange, suggest, share our views, life, without the same insensitivity that others impose on us who don't know what its like to be in a relationship with a inmate. We are not to verbally assault, NOT to be cruel, mean, and insulting. So when I read posts by someone whose moral compass is in overdrive, my first reaction is "are you kidding me"?!!! I want to remind that self professed disciple of knowledge that in case it slipped their mind, they can't overlook their own choices. We all have our own perspectives and views. We can agree to disagree. But there must be a cardinal rule for respective exchange. At the end of the day we have chosen a non-traditional relationship, we live each day prepared for the unexpected, as no one can be ready for what's to come when we live this life with a inmate.
So I just wish people can demonstrate some restraint when sharing their point of views, how they express and translate their thoughts. Its like bullying. You don't know how you express your views will affect another person. Needed to vent since evidently some need to be reminded that it takes no effort to be decent, subtle, polite & kind.

Everybody has a right to their opinions and thoughts. We must be reminded that people from all walks of life visit this website and there will ALWAYS be people who get offended at what others have to say.

All I can say is, if what someone is saying offends, pass the thread up and move on. We cannot make everyone happy all the time.

In my opinion, there cannot be a cardinal rule with a website as large as PTO...what one person is taught(morally), may not be what another is....so, we are who we are, we share, express, give support and advice, knowing that at some point, somone is going to get bent out of shape.

Life is like that sometimes....as long as we are all being true to who WE are.....all is well.

Peace~

**Patty** · #8 09-15-2012, 03:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by InmateLover67

Everybody has a right to their opinions and thoughts. We must be reminded that people from all walks of life visit this website and there will ALWAYS be people who get offended at what others have to say.

All I can say is, if what someone is saying offends, pass the thread up and move on. We cannot make everyone happy all the time.

In my opinion, there cannot be a cardinal rule with a website as large as PTO...what one person is taught(morally), may not be what another is....so, we are who we are, we share, express, give support and advice, knowing that at some point, somone is going to get bent out of shape.

Life is like that sometimes....as long as we are all being true to who WE are.....all is well.

Peace~

Agreed and members need to remember that if a thread or post stands in opposition to PTO's community purpose, staff will see to it that it is rectified. Having morals is NOT a bad thing, shine a light on 'em I say.

HiLoVe · #9 09-15-2012, 03:53 PM

I understand pointing out peoples issues etc and having morals but I think the OP was saying more along the lines of people just being a little less abrasive in their comments. Sometimes people here and in the world can be quite righteous in their beliefs. Just look at the news on any given day. Everyone has and opinion. Its they way an opinion is presented that is the issue.

CenTexLyn · #10 09-15-2012, 04:01 PM

Having worked both sides of the fence as well as having had an instance of having a friend who landed in prison before I learned of their troubles (perhaps the roughest 455 days of my life, especially having to walk the fine line between personal and professional), I have seen a little bit of everything over the last 25 or so years. Too often, I have seen people that only want a rose-colored glasses view of the prison world and that just isn't something that I can provide. I've made no bones in my nine years on PTO that I am outspoken and blunt...it isn't with the intent to step on someone's feelings, but I am going to call it like I see it. I do the same thing in court and I do the same thing when I present a case to the Board. I readily acknowledge that there are times where I have all the subtlety of a ten-pound sledge going through a plate-glass window. But sometimes that is what someone needs to understand the gravity of their particular situation.

As Patty alluded to, there are also threads that I just skip on by...there are a lot that I see in the forums like 'husbands and boyfriends' that I skip simply since I have never had either one (not even in junior high or high school) and there are too many people that fail to recognize that there are a lot of similarities in same-sex relationships as can be found in a straight relationship.

If everyone went with group-think, this site would be incredibly boring...

missdebbie92025 · #11 09-15-2012, 05:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lizatwin1

Actually I wasn't referring to anything anyone replied to what I posted. It was a thread someone else had started and I was reading the responses. I am very aware that the minute I share something, I no longer own it. I am not seeking nor suggesting sugar coating. I clearly said civility, courtesy, kindness, can be communicated thru any reply. Honesty isn't sugarcoating. I know my reality. You obvious misunderstood my post because it had nothing to do with me nor anyone specific. It was general and about communicating effectively without being cruel. I'm not just in this. I been riding this 17 yrs with my husband & know him 30 yrs. We are good. He doesnt curse at me. He doesnt hit me. So your post is presumptuous in stating that its about me, my man, change or abuse. Thank you anyway.

I apologize for misunderstanding your thread.

Missdebbie. Sent from my DROID2 GLOBAL using PrisonTalk

hisbabyny · #12 09-15-2012, 07:53 PM

Yes some people can be self righteous! and almost talk like they are the expert just because they been there and done that! Im sure there have been times ive done that although i regret it if i had cause anyone any hurt feelings.
No one really has the right to judge anyone. I believe Most members are trying to help' there are always a few people that are ignorant and i believe that there is a button that one can use to ignore that person's comments'.

Not everyone has a moral compass either

and I understand that some threads can really seem like the bully/gang up mentality. I just look to the moderators to handle it and if they allow it then i just keep it moving'

If you notice something really disturbing then i think it would be ok to pm a moderator and make them aware of it. all we can do is try our best to be supportive but we are coming from all walks of life and maturity levels and some people have significant issues that just make them always have a negative approach even though they call it honesty.

Not everyone grew up being told "its not what you say' its how you say it" dont let that stop you from all the other good caring people on pto!

Jootje · #13 09-16-2012, 01:25 AM

So many members and all with different backgrounds, views, histories, stories, morals, characters, it is bound to happen they may reply on threads that may come across as harsh, disrespectful, uncalled for to others, even if in their own opinion they do not mean it that way. MOST members here are very sweet, funny, helpful when giving advices or opinions and when an answer is not what one wants to hear of comes across as hurtful, just ignore it and filter the ones that are helpful or can lift your spirit.

Generally I would advice:
If you are not willing to handle the answer than do not ask on a public forum
Wouln't you rather cry over the thruth than smile over a lie
If you want to be sugarcoated maybe turn to Willy Wonka for advice.

As said, we are in the same boat at the end of the day and in my opinion the past year I have come to know the ladies (and men) on here as all/most to be very helpful,sweet, uplifting. Sure sometmes I shake my head and think,okay maybe you could have said that in a nicer manner but I do know that as soon as it becomes a form of bashing the moderators do step in.

beanbag · #14 09-16-2012, 03:40 AM

I think its wording, more than anything else. For instance, I was recently reading a thread about a woman stuck in one of the most horrific, and abusive relationships I have ever heard about. I for one was lost on what type of advice to give. However, many of the ladies did offer their views. Some of them were gentle int hier words, while others were a lot more brutal. But the sentiment was the same...LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP and get help. There was no judgement, just different ways of delivering the advice. Its good that PTO has such a mix of members, and ways in which advice is given because, we dont actually know the inner workings of the OP. It could be that some OPs need a brutal slap of reality and some harsh words, whereas others need a more gentle approach.

Biznessgal2 · #15 09-16-2012, 10:21 AM

I have seen some replies to posts that do seem to be very judgmental and so I appreciate the points being made in that regard.

However, I believe that when a person asks for advice on a diverse public forum, they need to accept that not all the advice will be supportive. Nor will all replies be reassuring and say that everything will work out fine.

We have different types of life experiences to draw upon, the beauty of a site this large. The respondents all see the issues differently and the advice and replies will typically be all across the board.

On one other point, the comment was made the we are all connected to felons, inmates, people who broke the law and therefore should not be judging other people. Respectfully, that does not make any of us less entitled to have a moral opinion. Perhaps I share with many of you based upon years of prison visiting room experiences, the opinion that a great many people who care about incarcerated persons have NO law breaking history themselves and have learned about incarceration for the first time and the hardest way when someone they love makes a serious mistake.

In closing, the public internet world in general is harsh in comments and replies. If you check out news sites and other web sites, you will see much harsher and meaner disparaging comments than most anything we would ever see here on PTO. Also our moderators are awesome and will step in when needed to keep the peace

**blah8705** · #16 09-16-2012, 01:38 PM

I think if an OP has a problem with the way a specific poster gives advice, I think that person should PM that poster and talk to them. I'm one of those that NEED advice given to me in a straightforward fashion if I ever ask for it. I can handle brutal honesty, but if a poster ever offended me, I'd take it up with that person and let him/her know that what he/she said was offensive..OR I'd let a moderator know if such-and-such person keeps verbally abusing me. I don't think anyone on this site is ever that bad..I've seen a few but they are deleted extra quickly. I think it's kind of pointless when general threads like this are made AND even when it's vice versa. I've seen a few pop up here and there arguing for points like the one being made here and also why people complain so much. It reminds me of when people go on facebook and make pointed statuses but don't include the person's name when it's obvious it's about a specific person. Nobody's ever disrespectful and flaming..some just give their opinions more directly but at the end of the post, they're usually like "well I hope you have good luck!!"

SexyChef1 · #17 09-18-2012, 12:19 PM

Hey Ive been here for years and there have been so many come and go, some I almost cringe when I see they have responded to someone because its usually offfensive or very DEFENSIVE! I hate to say this but usually those are the ones who dont last long, they'll be singing the he left me blues elsewhere. Oh Im waiting on the backlash!

Ms12Gauge · #18 09-18-2012, 01:52 PM

People have a tendency to think that THEIR view of right and wrong is THE view. Some can be very nasty to anyone who doesn't appear to share their view. I just got HERE, so no opinion of this forum, but I know that people who love inmates have very unique concerns and dilemmas. A forum full of other people who share those concerns is a gift! What is important is to be sure you are replying with RESPECT and not judgement. If the question disgusts or angers you, SKIP it!! Certainly, a person posting on such a forum needs understanding, not anger and judgement.
We humans all seem to think WE have all the RIGHT answers. Sadly, we have a harder time realizing that other people see the world through different experiences and beliefs.

conovember · #19 09-25-2012, 03:08 PM

Sure seems like a lot of people in the world have a problem with agreeing to disagree huh?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ms12Gauge

People have a tendency to think that THEIR view of right and wrong is THE view. Some can be very nasty to anyone who doesn't appear to share their view. I just got HERE, so no opinion of this forum, but I know that people who love inmates have very unique concerns and dilemmas. A forum full of other people who share those concerns is a gift! What is important is to be sure you are replying with RESPECT and not judgement. If the question disgusts or angers you, SKIP it!! Certainly, a person posting on such a forum needs understanding, not anger and judgement.
We humans all seem to think WE have all the RIGHT answers. Sadly, we have a harder time realizing that other people see the world through different experiences and beliefs.

Klewis · #20 09-25-2012, 11:10 PM

I know I do not have all the answers especially to other people's problems and I have seen on here many times were people give input like its a straight fact. It kinda makes me wonder sometimes like if they have their life so all together and they have all the answers why is their mate back in prison. If one can have all the answers for me it seems as if they should of had all the answers for their mate. I do give my opinion but in the end that is all it is, is my opinion when I see someone is not getting it, I leave it alone. I am not about to force feed anyone my belief. I give my opinions based off of my experiences because thats the only knowledge I have is from things I been through. I have seen many forums were you start from the beginning and the person is saying no its nobody else in the picture. Then you read some more and about a week later they post that there was someone in the picture blah, blah. Yeah they probably would have saved themselves some time if they would have listened but I am still going to support that person's pain because I have been there before as I am sure most of us have. There is people on here that is very intelligent, have Masters, have wisdom and they maybe can say something that might can help you with what your going through but every since I have been on this forum what I have not found, no matter how hard I searched and no matter how wonderful their love story is, or how long they been with their man, or how much he does not disrespect them or ask them for anything, or if they got married in the inside or waiting for him to get out, or if they met on the outside or while he was in, or how good their communication skills are........ is a perfect person. So with that I leave my opinions, I post questions, I vent sometimes, I try to stir people to safety but in the end whats for you is for you, whats for me is for me. How you handle yours is only going to affect you, how I handle mines is only going to affect me.

zlover · #21 09-26-2012, 08:04 AM

It could be they're passing judgment, could be they're a victim of a crime, could be they're just simply having a bad day and venting. With the reality of most of our lives, why take something a stranger says on a forum so personally? It's not worth your time or energy. Your life with your inmate is your business.