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When the Relationship is Over... This forum is about discussing your thoughts, feelings and issues now that you and your incarcerated (or formerly incarcerated) loved one are no longer together. (This forum is NOT for bashing - please read the rules before posting.)

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  #26  
Old 01-08-2017, 05:53 PM
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Originally Posted by SilverRain View Post
Thanks for your reply. He was a pen pal to start with. I only sent £20 to start with to help with stamps, then £30, then £60 when he told me he was literally destitute and nobody else was there for him. .
Red flag....Number ONE through 608... "No 1" is here for me. Or, I'm on my own... I always am careful of that....(I learned) and IMHO This "1" is tops IMO. Be careful chica, and i hope for your sake he is on the up and up... I always say, #TAAS (there are ALWAYS signs.) Up to you not to ignore em. Remember.... Being "there for a woman/man on YOUR own terms, is a great thing." But if it becomes a situation of him essentially whining about, boo hoo hoo, "no 1 care crap and saying how no one is there for him all the time, day in, day out, he is seeking cash$ and will continue, until you're being astute, to realize such and get away from this leech loser, before it get worse." Hugs and Blessings your way ...pm me anytime ...
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  #27  
Old 01-11-2017, 11:01 PM
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I think this is such wonderful insight. I couldn't agree more with what everyone shared. It really comes down to you and your comfort level. It comes down to healthy boundaries and creating them and being consistent with them. As some shared you are under no obligation to provide anyone with anything. Actually I find it kind to take your time and energy and write to someone you don't know and get to know them (especially given the circumstance). Anyone that truly doesn't have any interaction with others will appreciate purely the interaction or communication. There are many red flags to be aware of. I started to do the penpal thing again and I enjoy it greatly, one of the first things I discuss in my first letter is the do's and dont's. I let my penpals know that I enjoy writing but under no circumstance will I send money. I let them know that there is no judgement and if that's what they are looking for let's not waste each other's time by writing because I will provide letters and that's it.

I have a lovely individual I am talking to that offered to put money on the phone to speak openly about dynamics of change and positive influence. I happily obliged. The red flags I look for are going to be much different but to have a piece of mind anyone considering being a penpal should thoroughly read over all of the things shared here in this post, it's quite insightful!
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  #28  
Old 01-12-2017, 09:03 AM
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Originally Posted by SilverRain View Post
What are the red flags? It would have been so useful for me to be able to identify them. With hindsight, I think they were there straight from the beginning but I was unable to identify them.
For instance, my MWI told me that he had been without female companionship for 11 months before I started writing to him. His ex-girlfriend, who was a CO in county jail before he was moved to DR and had consequently left him - had been sending him $150 per month and he only had $17 left. So, he might not be able to afford to buy stamps at some point but he would borrow from his pod mates would he have to because he liked me so much and he wanted to continue to write to me. Needless to say, I started to send him money so he would continue to write to me. Was this a red flag?
Thanks for your replies.
I agree with those that say, just because he asked for it it doesn't mean he's a user/scammer.
I also agree that because he DIDN'T ask that isn't always a sign he's not a user/scammer.
If you get a gut feeling that there's just something about the guy then there probably IS something wrong. Listen to your gut...always.
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  #29  
Old 01-12-2017, 09:06 AM
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Originally Posted by SilverRain View Post
Thanks for your reply, it is very helpful. The advert I found online when I became suspicious, 16 months in our relationship, said: "if you can't swing $60 my way every month, then click to the next inmate". I was sending him £130 per month at the time, not £100 as I said before erroneously.
I did not meet him through a pen pal website but I wonder who would write to somebody who would so blatantly ask for money? Even if they are on DR and unable to work? I would not.
omg! and you STILL WROTE?!
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  #30  
Old 01-12-2017, 01:24 PM
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I found his online ad 1 week before I was due to fly to the USA to visit him, in September, having been in a relationship with him for 16 months. I thought about cancelling my journey but it was my first trip to America and I decided to go anyway. We had talked about this on the phone 3 days before I departed. I visited him during 3 week-ends on special visits but my trust was gone. He tried to save the situation by saying that the site had made a mistake, that he was only looking for friends... But my trust was gone. I was toing and froing between believing him and not believing him. At the end, I chose my own sanity. I came back to England and I ended our relationship the following week.
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  #31  
Old 01-12-2017, 01:33 PM
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I forgot to say that in his advert, he was also looking for romance with women.
I can understand that he was asking for money if he was so desperate for it being on DR. They only have 2 meals a day and are rationed 2 days per week so that they don't put on too much weight because they don't move about a lot, being on solitary confinement. He told me that he had placed his advert BEFORE I started writing to him. I did not write to him from that advert. I met him from a different source, from an English charity. I did not chose him and knew nothing about him before I started writing. Nevertheless, we became involved and 16 months later, when it is time to renew his advert, he does not decline but simply renew it. Only 6 weeks passed from the moment I found his ad and breaking up from him.
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  #32  
Old 01-25-2017, 05:46 PM
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Sounds like you already know, you just didn't want to believe them.
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  #33  
Old 02-11-2017, 08:30 PM
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I respect the guys who straight up ask for money more then the ones who give the idk if I can write call cause i'm broke right now guys
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