Is it the way I can’t breathe when I talk to you?
Or Is it the way the anticipation builds up when your ringtone comes up?
I feel like every time your voice comes up i'm bombarded with emotions
I pretend im okay
I pretend I don’t care
but I do.
I do all of this for you.
I pretend I don’t like you,
But i’m scared If I do I will regret it.
We constantly argue
but that’s what makes our relationship stronger.
And I hate to say it but I Don't like that I’m growing into you.
I don’t like the feeling of having you in my life.
Because all I have known was to learn without you.
To depend on others except you.
I have felt whole without you, and I know that is wrong.
But feeling whole means it’s wrong I don’t want to be right.
I purposely push you way,
I tend to make arguments with you.
Because I know you are in a position where you can’t do anything.
but listen.
And I’m scared to tell you the truth.
I am scared to let you in.
Because for years I have shut you out of the life that is mine.
When I build walls to keep you away,
its like every word you say is 1 brick taken down from my stone wall.
I can’t help the way I feel towards you,
What has been done is done,
but what is happening can be stopped.
And I intend too.
No one will ever really know why I am so against you.
Except me.
But that’s why I am writing this poem,
to tell you why I am so against you.
Maybe because Of the pain my heart felt every time I saw my friends so happy with their own parent.
And how they would ask both of their parents for decision making.
They can talk for hours with their dad if they wanted.
They can spend the night together and have the best relationships with them.
And how they would love them in spite of how hurt their dad made them feel.
But I can never have a relationship like that with you.
I don;t have you in my life physically,
I don’t have you in the way I want.
And I will want to have hour conversations, but I can;t because we are on a constant time limit.
15 minutes
In those 15 minutes
I choose to not ask why you aren’t here
In those 15 minutes I wait until the last minutes ends,
so I can breathe again and think what my life would have been.
In those 15 minutes I am Furious with the pain you have put me through.
But in those 15 I fake a smile and laugh like everything is okay.
But it’s not.
You will be here soon,
and I will not lie I’m not ready.
As Head strong I usually am
You make my mind go crazy,
Haywire.
The pain and tension you give under those 15 minutes
I will only receive for once a drop of sympathy.
written by mary milan
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For once
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