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Domestic Violence News and information relating to domestic violence in general. Please post here if you don't see a sub-forums that fits better.

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  #1  
Old 06-28-2016, 02:48 AM
Bandit16 Bandit16 is offline
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I need some help, I feel horrible that my ex is in jail for what he has done to me, I pushed him first, I admit that, his threats to kill me are just getting easier for him to follow through,, I am more scared now, he violated a order the judge gave in court, 7 times he tried to call and then he wrote a letter, telling me to not talk to any cops .or to come to any court hearings. and just don't talk to anyone, thats tampering with a witness I guess,,, He has done everything possible you can do to someone, & I still care about him ,, what is the matter with me?
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Old 06-28-2016, 05:51 AM
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Hon, the ins and outs of caring for an abuser are all over this forum, so do some reading. You'll find a lot of people who were still in love with their abusers, and some who managed to get free anyway.

Stop taking any contact from him, and report it immediately to the police or the DA. Then get yourself to some domestic abuse counseling. They can help you understand yourself, and him.

And stop, for now, looking into the future and finding fear there. Revel in the knowledge that RIGHT NOW you can breathe freely.
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Old 06-28-2016, 07:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bandit16 View Post
I need some help, I feel horrible that my ex is in jail for what he has done to me, I pushed him first, I admit that, his threats to kill me are just getting easier for him to follow through,, I am more scared now, he violated a order the judge gave in court, 7 times he tried to call and then he wrote a letter, telling me to not talk to any cops .or to come to any court hearings. and just don't talk to anyone, thats tampering with a witness I guess,,, He has done everything possible you can do to someone, & I still care about him ,, what is the matter with me?
You are a victim of DV and need to get yourself some professional help ASAP!

Let his ass sit where it is! I don't give a rats ass if you pushed him first, it is NOT okay to hit a woman, PERIOD!

Run as far away from this dude as you can get and again, get yourself some help!
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Old 06-28-2016, 10:59 AM
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This is a time to prepare and get much needed counseling, preferably from someone trained in domestic violence. There is nothing wrong with you, you care significantly about someone. You are only human, however that person can be extremely detrimental to you physically, emotionally and psychologically. There is a need for self love and self care, when you love and care about yourself you acknowledge these feelings but can allow yourself to move forward knowing that you deserve to be treated better. With love, with respect, with kindness. I will not lie to you and tell you this time will be easy, because it won't. You still have feelings for this person and he's contacting you still. The best thing that you could do for your sanity and ability to move forward is stop any contact with him whatsoever. Go to a therapist or a counselor. Create a safety plan.

I always think of this story as I work with individuals struggling through a situation with domestic violence. I was working at a college and a woman with 3 children had come to get her life back on track. Separated from her husband she started doing better. Their marriage was tumultuous and left deep scars. On Christmas he decided to pay her a visit after she had stated she wanted a divorce. He said he had presents for the kids. He walked in the home and killed her and then himself, in front of the children. I will NEVER forget that happened. When I left my own situation, I remembered that and remembered that when someone who once had control over you feels like they lost that control it will be like an animal who has been cornered and they will attack. I hope and wish you the best. Please take precautions and ensure your safety.
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Old 06-28-2016, 11:21 AM
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Hon, it is not your fault, so don't feel bad. He did this to himself by hurting you. NOTHING makes that OK. By telling you not to talk to anyone, he is still trying to control you.

I agree with everyone else who says get help. After we've been abused, it tends to become a cycle. You need to stop it now. Regain everything he's taken from you...your independence...your self worth...your confidence...its a hard process. Also, start chanting in your head...no man gets to hit me, no man gets to hurt me, I am not less than a man, I am his freaking equal. Take back your power. You're worth it!!!!!

Hon, my abuse was mental and emotional...my abused dies from heart failure...until I met my husband, I still loved him. When they're good, there's none better. When they're bad, we tend to overlook it or think we caused it. All we see is the good...and we love that part...we love the person we think they can be...and sometimes we think we can love them enough that they will quit hurting us. Its not that there's anything wrong with you...you're pretty normal for an abused woman.
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Old 07-02-2016, 10:43 AM
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to PTO!

I am in line with the consensus of replies. Get going with professional counseling. You can call The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or 800-787-3224 (TDD) to get started. Take steps to create a safety plan for yourself and also firmly eliminate any and all contact in any form with your ex. Good luck to you and I hope you will come back to keep us updated on how things progress for you.
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Old 07-02-2016, 02:20 PM
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There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. It's natural to feel guilty, it's natural to still care about him. These are feelings every victim of DV has experienced, and one of the reasons that DV victims keep going back to their abusers until the abusers kill them. But these are feelings - they are not actions.

You choose your actions, not your feelings. Your actions right now are to help build you up as a person, to get out from under him, and to transform from a victim to a survivor. The only way to do that is to acknowledge your feelings and take action - get into DV counseling, re-establish a strong support system around you - chances are you don't have many people around you helping you to be the best you possible - he stripped those people away so that you can serve only him and his needs. Get in touch with victim services at your courthouse. Have them help you interact with the Prosecutor and the Police.

There are supports available. Choose to find them and use them to the best of your ability. Don't worry too much about how you feel about him - it's normal - just don't dwell on those feelings. One of the things you can do is to write down some of the things he's been saying to you, in that letter, via voicemail. You can then look at those things rationally. If a friend or daughter were hearing those same things, how would you respond? What do you think he's trying to accomplish with those statements? How would somebody who really loves you and wants the best for you respond to those statements? Write them down next to his statements, in a different ink.

Feel what you're feeling, but try to see those statements clearly.

Oh, and give a copy of the letter to the DA, and if you have voicemails, copy those voicemails to the DA as well. You need to keep him inside, in prison or jail long enough to heal and transform from a victim to a survivor. If you let him manipulate you so that you act from feeling, you're not going to get that distance.

It's a long, hard journey, but you are worth it.
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Old 07-02-2016, 11:15 PM
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Hey don't feel bad- I was in love with my psycho abuser too.
It goes away- just stay away from him and check out all the resources here and on other sites.
Maybe join a support group with other women; then you can make friends and bitch about the loser men together and help each other move on.

You're gonna be fine! Trust me, you will xoxo
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