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Met While Incarcerated Were you introduced by a friend or family member after he/she was incarcerated? Did you meet as Pen Pals? This Forum is for you!

View Poll Results: Can you only "really know" someone when they're free?
Yes 47 37.90%
No 40 32.26%
Maybe 37 29.84%
Voters: 124. You may not vote on this poll

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  #51  
Old 06-18-2012, 06:17 AM
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I believe I know him as well as I possibly could in this situation...Ive spent time with him letters,calls and visits Ive spent time with his family and friends and even with some people who dont have a good word to say about him. He isnt in there for being a nice guy he is who he is that is something I am willing to take a gamble on because I love him and I believe he loves me.

I cant claim to know his every action and reaction to any set of circumstances. Only when he is in a 'normal' enviroment will I know those things for sure.
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  #52  
Old 06-18-2012, 11:02 AM
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The only thing different in prison is the WAY they do\get things done and their physical freedom. And while there is no argument prison is different than the streets...I will argue its not as different as some may think.
There are the drugs, other females and any numerous occasions ON A DAILY basis to 'mess up'. The environment is different therefore years and years of the same will have its effects on the prisoner...but prison isn't near what most think...it's worse.
A human will survive in any environment TO THE BEST OF HIS\HER ABILITY. And that is where most things happen. If he can survive without doing things he feels he needs to keep from you...then he usually will...if not...well, that won't dampen his attempt to try....only his disclosure to you.
But, isn't that the way of the world?
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  #53  
Old 07-02-2018, 01:13 AM
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Me and my husband are MWI and the first couple of years were HELL!!! He was trying to figure out who I was and I was trying to figure out who he was. My husband wanted me to stay, thatís all he was fixated with and so he lied ABOUT EVERYTHING!!! His crime, his time just everything. The longer we were together the more stuff I uncovered because you canít hide who u are forever, you know? It took a lot of prayer and a lot of patience to get my husband to stop being afraid of people knowing who he is. He thought Iíd b like the others and I wouldnít accept him for who he really is. He didnít want to be vulnerable. He didnít want all of his cards laid out on the table for me to see. Once he saw that I loved HIM for while he was, he let his guard down and he let me into his world. Iím STILL learning who he is, itís a never ending journey but Iím loving every minute of it. And I know Iíll learn more when he comes home and we began cohabiting with each other. Itís a part of life whether u are dating a man from the outside or a man from the inside. Knowing your man while he is inside is totally different from knowing him on the outside. I canít wait to see whatís in store for us and continuing our journey of getting to know each other. Itís something that will truly never end.
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  #54  
Old 07-02-2018, 01:20 PM
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I think it depends how well someone knows himself and how honest he is. thinking about one guy in particular I'm very sure that he will be exactly the same person no matter where he is. The free world comes with different struggles and he will have to adjust and maybe change a little, but he will be the same person at heart. He is no liar, he is very direct and honest about himself and his goals. He really is the man I know.
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  #55  
Old 07-02-2018, 06:20 PM
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My experience is that there is a part of him I never knew fully while he was inside because he was in a protective mode. It took months for him to relax and not be in a survival mode 24 hours a day. He has been out 9 months and he is still revealing new parts of himself as he transitions into life outside. I also didn’t know just how bad his past was, he wasn’t talking details of crimes while our letters and calls were being monitored. I didn’t know how ingrained criminal activity was in him and how it gave him a high like a drug. I didn’t know if we got in an argument if he would stay or go if he was in the free world. I didn’t know if we were short on money if he would make sure we were ok or if he even had good work ethic. Every day I feel like I won the lottery because every day since release I have been able to discover just how amazing he is.
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  #56  
Old 07-27-2018, 02:58 PM
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We are mwi, have been married 4 years. We were together about 9 months before we got married and the first 2 1/2 years after he got out were so wonderful and exciting and fun but somewhere he just changed. The last 1 1/2 years have been absolutely horrible. He is no longer the man I met and married and I wonder that this is who he was all along. I feel like I am in mourning of the man I fell in love with because apparently he is gone and has been replaced with this man who exhibits behaviors that likely got him put in prison in the first place. I think he had actually changed but little by little he is back to the way he was before. He was in for 15 years. He indeed had a horrible life and a terrible childhood and I try to give him leeway for that plus he was in prison so long that I have given him more than enough forgiveness to cover the things that were important inside that are not so important outside but when it all boils down to it, he has changed. He is no longer the caring sweet kind man that I fell in love with and there is no way I could have known that with him inside. I honestly never saw all of this coming and right now I am literally stuck trying to figure out what to do. I planned on being married to this man forever and had no idea that he would change the way he has. So, it can happen years after they get out.
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  #57  
Old 07-28-2018, 02:00 AM
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Originally Posted by SoulsCollide View Post
So, it can happen years after they get out.
This statement is true, but it is true with any relationship - you can marry someone thinking you know them but couple/few years down the line you're left thinking...who is this person? Just happened to a friend of mine who was in a free world relationship with a man for two years, moved states to live with him - within a year after her move the guy changed, I guess to who he really was....end of the relationship.

I am sorry for what you are going through. As for you feeling stuck and not knowing what to do...I don't know your history so I'm just guessing here but, if he's had addiction problems could it be that he has started using in this time that he has been changing? Is he open to any discussion about going to couple's therapy? Are you? Do you feel there is still love there or is he blatantly mistreating you and you have lost all hope? Are you guys able to talk about this at all?

You say it's been horrible for year and a half... If you've tried your best to get through to him and he is not meeting you half way, I would say maybe he needs a wake-up call and for you to take some distance; if you are adamant on working on your marriage no matter what, that is of course your decision - but perhaps a temporary separation might be in order for you to be able to live in an environment that is not horrible, and for you both to take some time to figure out where your marriage is headed?

Sending you strength
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  #58  
Old 07-28-2018, 02:55 PM
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MWI is the exact person out as he was in.
I worried for 2 years over nothing lol
But who knows what the future holds.
I'm not going to drive myself crazy worrying about it anymore
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  #59  
Old 08-20-2018, 09:20 PM
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Originally Posted by SoulsCollide View Post
We are mwi, have been married 4 years. We were together about 9 months before we got married and the first 2 1/2 years after he got out were so wonderful and exciting and fun but somewhere he just changed. The last 1 1/2 years have been absolutely horrible. He is no longer the man I met and married and I wonder that this is who he was all along. I feel like I am in mourning of the man I fell in love with because apparently he is gone and has been replaced with this man who exhibits behaviors that likely got him put in prison in the first place. I think he had actually changed but little by little he is back to the way he was before. He was in for 15 years.
He indeed had a horrible life and a terrible childhood
and I try to give him leeway for that plus he was in prison so long that I have given him more than enough forgiveness to cover the things that were important inside that are not so important outside but when it all boils down to it, he has changed. He is no longer the caring sweet kind man that I fell in love with and there is no way I could have known that with him inside. I honestly never saw all of this coming and right now I am literally stuck trying to figure out what to do. I planned on being married to this man forever and had no idea that he would change the way he has. So, it can happen years after they get out.
i pray it gets better for you, PM me anytime you want, and i pray that it gets easier for you. I am sorry for all you're going through."That has to be so hard, seeing he is "no longer" caring/kind/sweet man you're (prior)had fallen IN love with... I pray it gets better for you..."adios. hugs, and blessings going your way for you tonight, and god bless."
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  #60  
Old 12-15-2018, 01:21 PM
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It really all depends on the person and the couple. Some people make themselves out to be Mr Wonderful then theyíre nothing like that. Same thing can happen on the outside in order to reel someone in and then they reveal their true colors with the passage of time. I never had to really concern myself with whether or not my ex was who he said he was as he had a life sentence so it was kind of a moot point.
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  #61  
Old 01-11-2019, 09:40 PM
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does anyone really know anyone nowadays, you can think you do, but they will do a whole 360į on you, the bible says guard your heart and TRUST NO MAN
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Old 01-31-2019, 06:43 PM
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I agree with the person who said “Look at their actions, not their words.” Words are cheap.

And frankly...it seems like in prison, in many cases, there isn’t a whole lot more than words to go by. And they have a whole lot of time to focus on you. That is probably not going to be true once they get out. It’s a different world. And then there’s the “how well can you really know someone in the first place?” and also “just because you really know each other, it doesn’t mean you will be able to make a close, long-term relationship work in the outside world”.

(I voted no, but I probably should have said maybe, with the caveat that just because you know someone, it doesn’t mean that you’re going to work out together.)
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  #63  
Old 02-01-2019, 08:18 PM
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I wouldnít trust a MWI intentions if I wasnít with my boyfriend before getting arrested I wouldnít be with him period
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Old 02-04-2019, 11:02 PM
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I want yo say yes. The conversations I have with my fiance are so deep it's like we've known each other all our lives. We met while he is incarcerated and never expected it to be how it is now. I constantly think about him and when I hear his voice I swear nothing makes me happier. When I saw him for the first time out energy was just the same over the phone. I truly believe in us and him.
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Old 08-01-2020, 03:54 PM
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i pray it gets better for you, PM me anytime you want, and i pray that it gets easier for you. I am sorry for all you're going through."That has to be so hard, seeing he is "no longer" caring/kind/sweet man you're (prior)had fallen IN love with... I pray it gets better for you..."adios. hugs, and blessings going your way for you tonight, and god bless."
Thankyou for that. Unfortunately, it did not get any better, only worse. I am now ashamed of the way I have let him treat me. He is in county right now for sucker punching mys on in the face while he was drunk and raging. It was the final straw, or actually, the final straw was long ago but I have not been able to figure out how to actually get him out but now that he is in jail, I have been working my booty off to get his stuff out of here, changed the locks, gathered up all keys and titles to vehicles and various other things we own. He can see me in divorce court for what he wants. I will let him send someone over to get his things but he cant come back. I filed a restraining order and he is not supposed to come within 500 feet of the house. I am finally close to being free from this nightmare!!
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Old 08-04-2020, 04:28 AM
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I believe that people can have the best intentions and then reality can set in. When you meet someone in prison let's be real...they can be as honest as they want but when they get out it's a game changer. It's not so much they magically change into a different person, it's that life out here can be somewhat of a shock and an adjustment. It takes an incredible amount of time to adapt to this new environment and all that comes with it. So, do I believe that you do know the person you met...in there....and when they get out if things work out for you both you will get to see and know the person they are out here.
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  #67  
Old 08-11-2020, 12:46 AM
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It's not so much they magically change into a different person, it's that life out here can be somewhat of a shock and an adjustment. It takes an incredible amount of time to adapt to this new environment and all that comes with it.
This. I don't buy the "he came out and became a completely different person" story very often. Usually, there were signs and flags and they were "dealt with" through denial OR were better coped with under a structured environment. Ability to manage stress (for you both), maturity around their preparedness, addiction, support system outside of the relationship-- all of these things can greatly influence who they are, and how they behave, on the outs.

That said, as MWI, we have to admit that we did not know them before their incarceration and we have a missing piece. And long term-offenders, they don't fully know themselves outside of prison-- how can we?

My husband was down 18 years. Been out 5 months. He is a different person than Prison Husband. Absolutely different. It's not been easy adjusting to the new him which seems to re-new and alter at will. I liken it in my mind to having someone go from 14-21 in a very, very short time. It can be exhausting. But he's trying and he's open to talking about it. If neither of those things were present, I couldn't do this. He's going through it as much as I am and we BOTH need to practice patience and transparency. Truthfully, I'm different to him, too. I'm 1030pm Mia who is cranky and hurting, I'm 'no, I don't want to do that for you when you can do it yourself' Mia. I'm ragged shorts and unshowered Mia. I've had to change in response to him being free, as well. We're really learning about each other. I'm glad we've had these six months to do it in separate spaces. Might be the only saving grace to this HWH experience.

Last edited by miamac; 08-11-2020 at 12:48 AM..
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Old 08-13-2020, 06:24 PM
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This. I don't buy the "he came out and became a completely different person" story very often. Usually, there were signs and flags and they were "dealt with" through denial OR were better coped with under a structured environment. Ability to manage stress (for you both), maturity around their preparedness, addiction, support system outside of the relationship-- all of these things can greatly influence who they are, and how they behave, on the outs.

That said, as MWI, we have to admit that we did not know them before their incarceration and we have a missing piece. And long term-offenders, they don't fully know themselves outside of prison-- how can we?

My husband was down 18 years. Been out 5 months. He is a different person than Prison Husband. Absolutely different. It's not been easy adjusting to the new him which seems to re-new and alter at will. I liken it in my mind to having someone go from 14-21 in a very, very short time. It can be exhausting. But he's trying and he's open to talking about it. If neither of those things were present, I couldn't do this. He's going through it as much as I am and we BOTH need to practice patience and transparency. Truthfully, I'm different to him, too. I'm 1030pm Mia who is cranky and hurting, I'm 'no, I don't want to do that for you when you can do it yourself' Mia. I'm ragged shorts and unshowered Mia. I've had to change in response to him being free, as well. We're really learning about each other. I'm glad we've had these six months to do it in separate spaces. Might be the only saving grace to this HWH experience.

THIS. This is spot on. Well said
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Old 08-16-2020, 02:01 PM
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I believe that people can have the best intentions and then reality can set in. When you meet someone in prison let's be real...they can be as honest as they want but when they get out it's a game changer. It's not so much they magically change into a different person, it's that life out here can be somewhat of a shock and an adjustment. It takes an incredible amount of time to adapt to this new environment and all that comes with it. So, do I believe that you do know the person you met...in there....and when they get out if things work out for you both you will get to see and know the person they are out here.

Preach.

I knew my husband on a soul level, because thatís just how prison communication works. You connect, and then through letters and phone calls and visits, you keep connecting.

But that ainít living.

So many of the parts I grew to know and love were shaken up and distorted by coming home and the struggles it brought with it. They werenít gone, but they sure werenít readily available all the time, either.

The only thing that TRULY changed him was drugs. He was sober in prison. He was not sober outside.

You cannot know that part of someone until you experience it. Addiction can change someone in ways youíd never see coming. And considering how many people are incarcerated for crimes involving drugs, thatís a huge factor to consider for a lot of people in these types of relationships.
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Old 08-16-2020, 02:03 PM
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Thankyou for that. Unfortunately, it did not get any better, only worse. I am now ashamed of the way I have let him treat me. He is in county right now for sucker punching mys on in the face while he was drunk and raging. It was the final straw, or actually, the final straw was long ago but I have not been able to figure out how to actually get him out but now that he is in jail, I have been working my booty off to get his stuff out of here, changed the locks, gathered up all keys and titles to vehicles and various other things we own. He can see me in divorce court for what he wants. I will let him send someone over to get his things but he cant come back. I filed a restraining order and he is not supposed to come within 500 feet of the house. I am finally close to being free from this nightmare!!

I am so incredibly sorry to hear this. It breaks my heart. Youíve been on a crazy ride.

But Iím so glad he went to jail and you have the room you need to be free. Take care of yourself and your son. You guys deserve the world <3
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Old 08-20-2020, 11:10 AM
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I knew my husband on a soul level, because thatís just how prison communication works. You connect, and then through letters and phone calls and visits, you keep connecting.

But that ainít living.
I hear you! For me, that was living...when it suited me (I realize this in insistent). I understand why and have had to explain it all to friends & family.
Though Jr and I are in the divorce process we know the root of one another, we do truly know each other. Sure, it was rapidly known to us after his release that our state of minds and energies were simply beating in different directions, it was something we would have never known until vibing together once he was out & there isn't anything wrong with that.
We had our season(s), for great reason / they served their purpose. We were always honest to one another, I knew there would be a whole lot he needed to experience, 20 years in prison is a massive toll on the mind - as much as we wanted to be together out here (while he was in prison) the truth is we're like water and oil, why force something we know will be rough, uncomfortable and resent it later, no point, no need... we both enjoy feeling great so why not steer towards what makes us feel great and be supportive.
Post 8 months - He's been living in his own place, works a lot, recently bought an SUV, been spending free time with fiends, family & hiking. I'm super happy for him!! He's finally free and so am I, feels great!

God Bless
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Old 09-11-2020, 11:52 AM
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I am so incredibly sorry to hear this. It breaks my heart. Youíve been on a crazy ride.

But Iím so glad he went to jail and you have the room you need to be free. Take care of yourself and your son. You guys deserve the world <3
Thankyou. I was an idiot and actually let him come back and 3 weeks later, was shitfaced drunk, came home and did donuts in the backyard, destroyed my sons trailer and everything in it, smashed his harley, broke everything on it and smashed into our huge magnolia tree crushing in the back end of the expedition and busting out the window. He then lied to the cops telling them that my son stole his vehicle and smashed in the back end. Luckily we have security cameras and the whole thing was caught on camera. I had to get the cops over here to watch it so they could see that Tim did it and not my son. They watched the video and recorded it on their phones. They then went to him and asked him what happened, he again tried get my son arrested for stealing his vehicle and smashing it up. The cops showed him the video of he doing it himself and he then said, well I can do what I want! The cop then said, sure you can, but you cannot accuse someone else for something you did to try to get them arrested, that is fraud and I could arrest you for it right now. He is on probation again, he was only off federal probation for less than 90 days before he broke my sons face and got arrested so if he gets a violation, he has to go to county and do an 11/29. It is probably the only thing keeping him from doing other things. I went the next morning and my son and myself filed a restraining order and the judge granted it for both of us. I have 2 weeks until court to extend the restraining order so I am taking this time to finally get all of his things packed. He has accused my son of stealing his stuff but since he has been gone, we had to break open his shed so we could store his boxes of things and I found alot of the items in there that he has accused my son of stealing. He would hide them then lock it and I didnt have a key. Then he would accuse my son of stealing them. All in an effort o get me to hate my son and not come around so he could have complete control over every move I make. He all but stopped working but a day here and there and put up a front online to make it look like he worked all the time when in all actuality, he would just take a bunch of pics and slowlypost them over the week. It is all about the control. I feel like I have ptsd now after all of this crap. I cannot wait for it to be over and I will never again let myself get in this kind of situation. I would suggest anyone who is doing an mwi with a long term convict to RUN. We have been together almost 6 years and it took that long for it to come to this. The first couple of years were heavenly. He could do no wrong in my eyes. After that he slowly but surely started to manipulate and he had decided my oldest son had to go because he knew that I could call on him for help should something happen. He wanted him gone because he was the only person I really had left to watch over me. It has been an absolute nightmare for me and especially this past year it has been really really bad. I still have to get through the rest of it and the divorce so it isnt over yet but even waking up knowing I am about o be free of this man is a wonderful feeling. I dont even care what stuff he wants, he can take whatever he wants if he will just leave me alone for the rest of my life.
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Old 01-14-2021, 03:46 PM
kvinna20 kvinna20 is offline
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I believe you can know someone in prison but getting out changes a person, for better or worse. Just like any relationship, life experiences result in change and sometimes the person you fell in love with is not the person they become.
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Old 01-16-2021, 04:24 AM
Sweetfrenchie Sweetfrenchie is offline
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Hello, I think the answer is NO, like you can not say you know a person outside, and sometimes you dont know all of yourself Oo.

Of course you can know, story, things, facts, behavior but it's impossible to know all the sides of a person. People don't react to other people the same way. For example I will never show him my "agressive" side because I needn't to act like that with him, but this side of me exists, it's something that maybe he will never experience.

To know a person is a lifetime journey.

Have a beautiful weekend.
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Old 02-24-2021, 02:16 PM
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maytayah maytayah is offline
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I am passing on my friends story with her permission. She was MWI with her man and they were together 6 years before release. He was kind and supportive and never asked for money. She is an intelligent educated woman. They got on well and there were no apparent red flags.

She picked him up on release day and they went to his mothers house where he was parolling. First night all good, day 2 he went to see a friend and came back drunk and high, he said he was just letting off steam.

From then on things got worse, he opened a Facebook account and started accepting lots of females as friends that he didn't know. He was bragging how many women were interested in him. He was a target for scammers and started giving his bank details to women wanting to web cam for him. He lost all his money when he gave access to his bank accounts.
He still wanted to buy beer and whatever he could use which soon became meth but he had no money so he started selling his mothers stuff and lying about it. My friend was still trying to help him he continued to promise he needed to adjust and things would get better. He then stole my friends purse and her car.
He was picked up for DUI in her car and is now back in jail for DUI and parole breach. This all happened over a month. It was not my friends fault , she has done nothing wrong. He just was not and could not be the man he said he was. He could not function in the world, my friend said he was like handling a rebellious teenager and he is 41. He had quickly become a man she didnt recognise.

Its a cautionary tale but not all MWI turns sour, its important to remember if things dont go well post release its not your fault. Even the red flag free can go wrong, with all the best intentions some relationships dont work whatever their origin.
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