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Wives & Girlfriends in Prison For everyone who has a wife, girlfriend, or female partner incarcerated.

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  #1  
Old 02-09-2015, 01:07 PM
CuriousinVA CuriousinVA is offline
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Default She wants me, She wants me not

Hi, I want to start off by stating I am not the best writer but please excuse me. Any way there was this girl I went to elementary and middle school that I really liked but then she moved out of state. Well about 2.5 years ago I ran into her and we struck up conversation exchanged numbers etc.. Well come to find out she was in a relationship with someone she had been with for 12 years but was miserable. For about a year we texted daily and I went and seen her a couple of times but she would not cheat on her BF which I respected. She kept saying she was going to leave him yet she didn't so I just stopped talking to her. Well about 8 months ago she added me on facebook told me she was now single she found out he was cheating on her and that we should get together. One thing lead to another and we ended up in a relationship. I care about her a whole lot. I had never liked someone as much as I like her. Well anyway she didn't always act like she wanted to be in a relationship. I got sick and tired of it and cut her off at the end of november even though it hurt to do so. Well on January 2nd she was arrested on 4 felony charges and is being held on a 20 thousand dollar bond. She has no surviving family except for her sister whom is also incarcerated so therefore there is no one to bail her out. I don't have the 2K to get her out. Well anyway she wrote me a letter telling me that she has realized that she really messed up with the way she treated me that I was the best thing to ever happen to her and when she gets out she would love if I would give her another chance. She calls me 2x a day. Once in the morning and once at night time. I've went and seen her a couple of times. She has never once asked me for money for her books or asked if I could bail her out. I want to believe she is being genuine when she tells me that she wants to be together again when she gets out but a couple of times I have heard that when someone is in jail they will tell you anything you want to hear. I wish I could know if she is being genuine or if she is just looking for someone to be there for her while she is in jail then when she gets out i'm only a memory. No one here can answer that question for me I just needed somewhere to vent.
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Old 02-09-2015, 01:32 PM
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She has no one else and conveniently realized how much you mean to her when the ish hit the fan.

I do believe people can change, so I'm not saying give up on her as a human being. I can see being there as a friend, writing, visiting if you can. But as far as 'feelings', having someone tell you they care under duress doesn't sit well with me.

Live your life, let her be a part of it. But it sounds like she's got some stuff she needs to work on herself before she's ready to be in a mature relationship.
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Old 02-09-2015, 01:38 PM
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Well, you're the only one there, so she loves you. Um, there's no way to tell how deep that love is, but I certainly wouldn't bet the farm.
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Old 02-09-2015, 05:06 PM
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I'd say keep walking....you can be her support as a friend but I wouldn't trust her as she's let you down before. You sound like a nice guy with good intentions and you've been smart to detect her uninterest in being with you so what changed? her incarceration? well I wish you luck in whatever it is you decide....
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Old 02-09-2015, 08:43 PM
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I'd say keep walking....you can be her support as a friend but I wouldn't trust her as she's let you down before. You sound like a nice guy with good intentions and you've been smart to detect her uninterest in being with you so what changed? her incarceration? well I wish you luck in whatever it is you decide....
She said she hated herself at the time and was going through a lot which she was. She had 4 people staying in her apartment none of which helped foot any bills and would destroy the place and not help her clean. I would go there and leave after 20 minutes because it was so hectic it would drive me crazy.
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Old 02-09-2015, 08:44 PM
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Well, you're the only one there, so she loves you. Um, there's no way to tell how deep that love is, but I certainly wouldn't bet the farm.
Well she said her being in jail has showed her who really cares about her and it wasn't the people she thought were her friend.
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Old 02-09-2015, 08:56 PM
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Well she said her being in jail has showed her who really cares about her and it wasn't the people she thought were her friend.
People tend to find a few things when they get locked up: God, sobriety and those who really care. I still say she's got jail-cell regrets and you're the target of her confessions. It sounds like you're prepared to make excuses for her past behavior. But to what end?
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Old 02-09-2015, 09:03 PM
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Eh, I wouldn't put too much into what she says because she showed you who she was when she wasn't locked up. Honestly, it's your decision. There is no way any of us are going to be able to tell you if we think she is being genuine. She might be, she might not be. Only you will know that for sure and if you are willing to take the chance then do it. Follow your intuition....if you have doubts there is probably a reason for it.
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Old 02-09-2015, 09:30 PM
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Well she said her being in jail has showed her who really cares about her and it wasn't the people she thought were her friend.
You don't want to know how many times those words have been said (along with statements about having found Jesus). And how rarely either one has been able to survive the outside-of-prison environment.
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Old 02-09-2015, 09:50 PM
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She could be coming from a good play. Jail change some people. All people in jail shouldn't be stereotyped for talking "jail talk" ....I say, never be afraid to take a chance on Love. You never know until you try. I say give her a second chance.
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Old 02-09-2015, 11:13 PM
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She could be coming from a good play. Jail change some people. All people in jail shouldn't be stereotyped for talking "jail talk" ....I say, never be afraid to take a chance on Love. You never know until you try. I say give her a second chance.
I believe this would qualify as chance number three. How long should he wait for her to make up her mind?

When I left my first husband because my heart was conflicted, the smartest thing he did was say "Ok. We'll divorce. But we're not getting back together. I'm not taking you back." It forced me to be mature rather than fickle and stopped us from jerking each other around. I instantly gained a new level of respect for him. Nine years later, we are the best of friends. And we've never gotten back together.

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Old 05-22-2017, 05:18 PM
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If you like her then I think you should go visit her.
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Old 05-22-2017, 05:40 PM
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If you like her then I think you should go visit her.
OP has not been active on the thread in over 2 years. Unfortunately they haven't been back to share what the long-term result of their loved one's case and their attempts at communication were :\

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Old 05-22-2017, 09:02 PM
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Originally Posted by CuriousinVA View Post
Hi, I want to start off by stating I am not the best writer but please excuse me. Any way there was this girl I went to elementary and middle school that I really liked but then she moved out of state. Well about 2.5 years ago I ran into her and we struck up conversation exchanged numbers etc.. Well come to find out she was in a relationship with someone she had been with for 12 years but was miserable. For about a year we texted daily and I went and seen her a couple of times but she would not cheat on her BF which I respected. She kept saying she was going to leave him yet she didn't so I just stopped talking to her. Well about 8 months ago she added me on facebook told me she was now single she found out he was cheating on her and that we should get together. One thing lead to another and we ended up in a relationship. I care about her a whole lot. I had never liked someone as much as I like her. Well anyway she didn't always act like she wanted to be in a relationship. I got sick and tired of it and cut her off at the end of november even though it hurt to do so. Well on January 2nd she was arrested on 4 felony charges and is being held on a 20 thousand dollar bond. She has no surviving family except for her sister whom is also incarcerated so therefore there is no one to bail her out. I don't have the 2K to get her out. Well anyway she wrote me a letter telling me that she has realized that she really messed up with the way she treated me that I was the best thing to ever happen to her and when she gets out she would love if I would give her another chance. She calls me 2x a day. Once in the morning and once at night time. I've went and seen her a couple of times. She has never once asked me for money for her books or asked if I could bail her out. I want to believe she is being genuine when she tells me that she wants to be together again when she gets out but a couple of times I have heard that when someone is in jail they will tell you anything you want to hear. I wish I could know if she is being genuine or if she is just looking for someone to be there for her while she is in jail then when she gets out i'm only a memory. No one here can answer that question for me I just needed somewhere to vent.
She could be telling you those things for a soft place to fall while she is in and when she gets out. The best you can do is not rush into anything and be a friend to her. If you want to help her down the road with phone calls and commissary do so only as a friend, not to get a relationship out of her. That will only breed resentment on your part if you find out what she is saying is not true.

Enjoy talking with her and getting to know her better. Solid relationships are building trust in the friendship and having open, honest communication. Keep your eyes open and set boundaries with her and stand by them.

Good luck
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Old 05-22-2017, 09:06 PM
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Shit, I didn't even look at the date it was originally posted...lol waste of finger cramps from typing...oh well
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Old 05-22-2017, 09:29 PM
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Shit, I didn't even look at the date it was originally posted...lol waste of finger cramps from typing...oh well
The wonderous thing about the internet and forums like this is that maybe another two years from now someone will pull up your wise words and gain from them! Never a waste.
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Old 05-22-2017, 10:57 PM
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All of the above plus my two cents... if you like her then be her friend. Help und support her emotionally but skip on the money-part - at least for now. To me it seems she was not ready for a new relationship at the time you got together and you did figure that out and got out.
Now the shit has hit the fan for her and she's needy - understandably so - but you are not the salvation army. There's still you and your feelings.
You can give her all the chances she wants and you're willing to give but hold back... one day at a time and very tiny steps. Let her deal with her problems, you didn't cause her being in prison. She's got to grow up and deal with it.
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