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Wives & Girlfriends in Prison For everyone who has a wife, girlfriend, or female partner incarcerated.

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  #51  
Old 07-14-2016, 09:35 AM
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Not a problem Al, thanks for sharing.

There are times when Dee can be the same way. Honestly, it's a combination of things and different things in different people I'm sure, but sometimes it's the confinement itself that does it. Visiting is a break from the routine. What goes on when they're back in their cells and in the yard...is not always pleasant. And Dee doesn't like talking about it. The best answer I've gotten regarding a few mysteries is "babe, I'll tell you what happened when I get home, I can't talk about it here because you never know who's listening." But I've had some visits that were very good and some...similar to what you're describing above.

Not saying that that's what it was. But obviously, it's a factor for all of these women in general.

That thought out...I am glad you finally got to see her. I hope that her mother doesn't make the age difference an issue. Maybe you could volunteer to let her mother call you and put a voice and a demeanor to the face? I don't know what the best answer is there, or if you've already suggested it. Whatever the case is, I hope that you'll be able to continue your relationship and that future visits will be more pleasant.

I don't want to assume anyone's religious beliefs here, so Merry Christmas if you celebrate it and Happy Holiday Season if you celebrate something else (or don't particularly celebrate at all...) Again, thanks for coming and sharing, Al. Please keep us updated.

-E
I've had 3 more visits since then and her mom has calmed down and the two of them have actually talked about me...would loved to have been a fly on the wall at that time. Anyway, seems mom is judging me by my actions rather than my age so all is good so far. I did volunteer to have her mom call me but that is too much too soon I suppose. Not going to happen yet. I've been writing and talking to my MWI for just over a year now. We've had some ups and some downs. We are learning more about one another every letter and phone call and visit so things are going as well as can be expected. My MWI is actually giving me advice on things in my life now and that is a huge change from 6 months ago. So, we're moving forward well now. Just thought I'd drop by with an update and I hope all is well with everyone.

Al
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  #52  
Old 07-14-2016, 09:45 AM
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Well she got permed out to Gadsen on Tuesday, I am torn on it. From what I hear its the easiest place to do time but also 4 hours from me so visits will be alot more rare then is she would of went to Lowell which was under an hour. Also she has some people from her past at gadsen that arent great. She says she will stay away but IDK how it works if everyone all together or you can never cross paths with most other inmates unless in same dorm. I guess we will see, also it takes 7-10 days for the money to follow for comissary and now they said my cell number has to be re-approved but my house line should be pretty quick. Its like everything starts over which is frustrating
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  #53  
Old 07-24-2016, 09:33 PM
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I also Have a Girlfriend and future Wife in prison at Perryville in Arizona and she will be getting out in 20 months or 1 more Xmas and 2 more Birthdays sound less to me , It has been a long and lonely trip so fare but we are hanging in there and the Holidays are the hardest , we are now talking about her parole and her Brother who wants to protect her from going back in once she is out , but I have not talked to him about this and what I will be able to do and my role either , I kind of think he does not like me , so this is going to be hard for me not to see her once she is out, but the support I get makes a big difference because some of you have already gotten past this and are a BIG HELP. Thanks too all of you who read this and Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to All..
Ugh, I did my time in AZ (almost 18 years ago). AZ sucks so bad.
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  #54  
Old 07-24-2016, 09:34 PM
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I just joined and I'm sorta active. I have a woman in Oregon who has a year left.
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  #55  
Old 07-24-2016, 09:42 PM
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I just joined and I'm sorta active. I have a woman in Oregon who has a year left.
Welcome to the forum, good of you to join us. Will be interesting to hear your thoughts not only as someone with a loved one locked up but as someone who did a little time as well.
-E
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  #56  
Old 07-24-2016, 10:07 PM
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Well she got permed out to Gadsen on Tuesday, I am torn on it. From what I hear its the easiest place to do time but also 4 hours from me so visits will be alot more rare then is she would of went to Lowell which was under an hour. Also she has some people from her past at gadsen that arent great. She says she will stay away but IDK how it works if everyone all together or you can never cross paths with most other inmates unless in same dorm. I guess we will see, also it takes 7-10 days for the money to follow for comissary and now they said my cell number has to be re-approved but my house line should be pretty quick. Its like everything starts over which is frustrating
Sounds like a pain in the butt. Hope things have started to get back to normal since this post.
-E
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  #57  
Old 07-25-2016, 10:19 PM
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Sounds like a pain in the butt. Hope things have started to get back to normal since this post.
-E
She had a copy of my phone bills so she turned them in the first date and I was approved in about a week. She likes the prison well as much as someone can like prison, she doesnt have any of the people in her dorm according to her and hasnt seen them and says if she does she will ignore and let me know but idk about that yet we are still working on rebuilding trust. She has anxiety arounf alot of people, she is fine in her dorm but doesnt like going to chow as it changes and says the chances of running into people go up dramatically. Well thats smart of her but then that means eating from canteen all day and that shit is expensive as hell. She just doesnt get the idea of a budget at all and is terrible with money. Im trying to stick to it but have failed so far and have sent more but I am at the breaking point on it as this is a life lesson she has to learn to be successful in the real world and will hold strong to it no matter the sad story.
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  #58  
Old 07-28-2016, 11:38 AM
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First, you have got to know what you are signing up for. Second, you have to accept that her world and your world are now very different. Third, you are going to have to accept that you are no longer a large part of her time. That doesn't mean that she doesn't care, just that she has other issues to attend to. Finally, you have to accept that her sentence has now become your own if you choose to stand by her.

While it is true that you have the easier path, it will still be emotionally draining at times. That's why you need to keep living your life. Because without that, you will not be able to last for the duration. Then there is patience.

You have to understand that there isn't a lot of choice in prison, and you have to make allowances for that. She won't always be able to call or email. That sometimes the prison will be on lockdown and you won't even get the chance to visit with her. That the email she sent you today won't be in your inbox until six days later sometimes and vice versa. That's life and you just have to accept it.

Now comes the hard part, you have to keep this up for the duration. If it's a five year hitch, that's a cakewalk compared to a ten year sentence. And nothing compared to twenty years or more. And God forbid that your woman has life without parole. Sounds pretty grim, doesn't it? Beginning to see why the women here are so very special and worth more than their weight in gold?

Women are known for their patience, men aren't. And it is patience that is required more than any other quality to survive, and running a close second is understanding. By now you likely have an idea why there are so few men who can endure this gauntlet laid down by the DOC.

But here's the important part: you are far more precious to her than you know. You are that rare individual on which your woman rests her hopes and future. You are her lifeline to the outside world. Her last link to normalcy and the world that she left behind. That is huge and it is more important than I can express. You are her hope for the future and what she has to look forward to when she is released.

So the question becomes is it worth it to you to stick it out knowing all of this? Most can't, and there is no shame in that. But if you can, you are a rarity and your lady is a very lucky woman.
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  #59  
Old 07-29-2016, 01:48 AM
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Eloquently stated, Thorfin.

I'm nearing the end of a slightly over 5 year road (which was preceded by about a year and a half of getting to know each other, dating, etc.) You have to have the patience of a rock and the ability to utilize your mind almost like a philosopher at times to gain understanding of the system and of the struggles these women endure, in my opinion, to be able to survive a bid of any duration.

A lot of men can't do it. And you know...that's fine. They don't have to. As sad as it is that a lot of these women find themselves with nothing...in some ways better to stand on your own than to build your house on quicksand with someone else's help.

-E
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  #60  
Old 08-05-2016, 02:32 PM
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I've seen a lot of different advice given. I've mixed and matched some of my own. Here it is.
1.) Don't stop living your life. I've kept friendships, made new friendships, attend sporting events and concerts, got a Masters Degree, and spend a good amount of time with my children.
2.) Don't get involved in prison life. It will only serve to make things miserable for you both. One of you needs to keep a foot in reality, and since you're the one providing the outside support, it should probably be you.
3.) Write letters. They're the best way to say everything you want to say and express everything you want to express in a way that she can keep and refer back to when she's trying to understand you.
4.) Don't get impatient with her at visits. Visiting is a privilege. If you don't believe me, ask the Department of Corrections. They'll remind you AND her, I'm sure.
5.) Understand that if you decide to stand by her, nothing about your life will be normal until she comes home.

Excellent advice! I'd add:
6.) Whatever your relationship was with her while you were together, it changed when she went in and it will probably change more as time goes by. You can't stop it from happening or control it. Work with her to define a new relationship you're both relatively comfortable with. Talk and write frankly and openly. She can't read your mind any more than you can read hers. COMMUNICATE!
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  #61  
Old 08-29-2016, 03:45 PM
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Women are known for their patience, men aren't.
And to be frank, I don't believe that women are any more (or should I say much more) patient then men. Sure, we're often looking for the shortest distance between two points, but I've heard an alarming number of stories of regarding military wives that didn't have the patience to wait for their husbands to return home. Everything else you said was spot on in my opinion.

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  #62  
Old 08-29-2016, 03:52 PM
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And to be frank, I don't believe that women are any more (or should I say much more) patient then men. Sure, we're often looking for the shortest distance between two points, but I've heard an alarming number of stories of regarding military wives that didn't have the patience to wait for their husbands to return home. Everything else you said was spot on in my opinion.

Shogun
Good point.

And Shogun, not to take away from the topic too much, but am I reading that right? 1 month, 2 days to go (32 days?) Wow....not just the home stretch, but the plane's pulling into the glide path and getting ready to land there. Keep us posted on the release experience!

-E
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  #63  
Old 08-29-2016, 04:39 PM
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Good point.

And Shogun, not to take away from the topic too much, but am I reading that right? 1 month, 2 days to go (32 days?) Wow....not just the home stretch, but the plane's pulling into the glide path and getting ready to land there. Keep us posted on the release experience!

-E
Actually, 34 days, I got the release day wrong by a couple days. But yes, she'll be breaking through those depressing grey walls in roughly a month now. Everything is going according to plan so far, and I'm grateful.

Shogun.
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Old 08-30-2016, 06:08 AM
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Actually, 34 days, I got the release day wrong by a couple days. But yes, she'll be breaking through those depressing grey walls in roughly a month now. Everything is going according to plan so far, and I'm grateful.

Shogun.
That's great! I hope her imminent freedom works out perfectly for both of you.
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Old 10-19-2016, 03:35 AM
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I have been out of prison for 5 days today. My wife was my co defendant she got 25 years i only got 6 years. But i will be there for her no matter what.
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Old 10-19-2016, 10:17 AM
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I have been out of prison for 5 days today. My wife was my co defendant she got 25 years i only got 6 years. But i will be there for her no matter what.
Congratulations on regaining your freedom! I hope you're not finding the transition to Free World living too challenging. Maintaining your marriage isn't going to be easy but you can do it if you're both willing to work at it. Having been in the system yourself will make it easy for you to understand what your wife's dealing with. That should be a plus! I've always been kind of an "outsider". Will you be able to visit her or are you disqualified because of your conviction and being involved in her case?

I'll send a PM (Private Message) (redacted: please do not invite outside contact on this forum. PMs are acceptable, however.) in case you want to chat privately about how Tammy and I have kept it going all this time.

Frank

Last edited by missingdee; 10-19-2016 at 01:36 PM.. Reason: redacted invitation for outside contact.
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Old 12-10-2016, 06:46 PM
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Not a wife, but a mwi that i have a close relationship with, I support her every way i can, and am waiting for er to be released and will do the same.
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Old 12-13-2016, 01:17 PM
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... Lastly, there's the Hybristophilia. But I'm not even going to go there. I'd like to hear further thoughts from the men lurking around.!
Hybristophilia! Wow! Somebody's been leafing through a DSM-5! Then there are those of us who were married to our dream girls when they went inside and still love and support them despite everything!
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  #69  
Old 12-13-2016, 02:10 PM
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Yes. My girlfriend is on federal vacation until 2035.
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Old 12-13-2016, 02:26 PM
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Yes. My girlfriend is on federal vacation until 2035.
That's pretty awful!!! How long have you known her/been friends?
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  #71  
Old 12-13-2016, 02:29 PM
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That's pretty awful!!! How long have you known her/been friends?
Since 2011; MWI.
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Old 12-22-2016, 09:40 AM
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One day at a time. One day at a time. One day at a time.
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Old 12-23-2016, 12:26 PM
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In answer to the original question, about men posting here. I may always read more than I write here. It's the nature of this time of my life, but I'm grateful for things written here. I'm very much a novice when it comes to advice about having a loved one in prison, but will share what my best friend is always doing for me. She is always telling me to take care of myself and following up to make sure I do. She knows I'm spread thin with work, school and family. Everything kind of goes both ways in our friendship. I knew she loved me long before she said the words. Prison is teaching me patience and she is teaching me love.
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Old 12-23-2016, 01:42 PM
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Prison is teaching me patience and she is teaching me love.
That's beautiful!
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Old 05-08-2017, 01:15 PM
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I feel like I'm the only (active) man here.

Took a look at the Girlfriends & Wives section, and it looks rather inactive. I wonder why that is? I know there's more men in prison than women, but I read that women are going to prison in increasing numbers, plus Murica is #1 in largest prison population in the world.

So, any men here supporting their wives here?

Shogun.

EDIT: I posted this in the wrong forum section by accident. Can a moderator please move it? Thanks.
I hope and pray I won't need to support my wife in this manner but I may if I can't help her find a way to make restitution. If we get restitution, she'll only get 4 months in county, if not she'll get 1 to 4 in a NYS prison.
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