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  #26  
Old 08-17-2016, 06:46 PM
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There are similar threads to this one in the Boyfriends/Husbands forum and from what I can see, the conversations all begin to flow in the same direction: what we think men do, what we're told men do, what we think woman do and what we're told women do.

The OP asked how YOU would feel if YOUR partner engaged in sexual relations with another INMATE.

Not about men or women we aren't partnered with, not about inmates and COs, not about rampant STDs (unless you definitively tying it to your personal argument about your partner) and not about stats not one person has sourced-- and please don't, we've moved on. This topic is always going to be controversial and I believe that most people are adult enough to handle it. Please prove that. Now...

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Originally Posted by WaitingWilkes View Post
Your LO has probably mentioned fellow prisoners who are gay or "gay for the stay/straight for the gate". How would you about feel about it if she had a sexual relationship with someone inside. Would you want her to tell you if she did? Would it change the way you feel about her? Would it change your relationship or what you expect from/with her after she gets out?
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Old 08-17-2016, 07:11 PM
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Thank you MOD. I didn't feel like responding to all that!

If anyone would like to PM me to hear an experience firsthand of being in Women's lock-up, I'd be happy to abide and give as clear a picture. I'm always here to help and it's always wise to be open. If you are hearing something that doesn't seem logical, then keep asking and gaining direct info (in the case that someone on insists something or your LO is being manipulative, etc)

As for MissingDee and others who are discussing sexuality within your relationship, I think that's a good thing. Sexuality is individual for each person and each relationship is different. No one should feel like they HAVE to decide to tolerate something that they normally wouldn't because they have preconceptions about their environment. With true open honest communication, it's healthy to find what works for you.

Changing rules for different environments may be a slippery slope, but I'm sure couples can work through this.

Also to note: homosexuality and bisexuality are not synonymous with promiscuity. These are different issues and once again, you & partner's sexuality is about what works for you.
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Old 08-17-2016, 08:25 PM
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Dont take it personally I don't. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and should be able to defend their opinion in my eyes. If you ask a controversial question it's bound to end up heated so be prepared
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  #29  
Old 08-17-2016, 08:26 PM
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Dont take it personally I don't. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and should be able to defend their opinion in my eyes. If you ask a controversial question it's bound to end up heated so be prepared
Provided folks stay on topic, I agree.
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  #30  
Old 08-18-2016, 09:37 AM
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I dont believe that sex between women happens that much. I used to work in a state prison and I didnt see that much with the women. I actually saw much more with the men. I know right? But, there were certain men for hire and would do anything for money on their books. I really believe women can do without much longer then men. Also dont always think penetration with men ... a lot of the men were just caught with the BJs. But, several women c.o.s were caught compromising their position. Yes when women are present, the men generally wont get into violent fights out of respect for the women c.o.s. Or if it starts it ends quickly. I know men do the BJ thing more then people realize but, dont sweat it. A lot of men would NEVER do that so, if you have a husband or BF in prison I wouldnt worry too much.
Tammy hasn't had a sexual relationship since she's been inside but I wouldn't object if she had one. She gave me the freedom to do what I need to. She'd have told me if she had had a relationship. We share everything. It's not for lack of opportunity. She hasn't taken anyone up on it because she's not into women and she doesn't want to risk visits and phone privileges.

There are are a lot of male prostitutes out here. It follows that some of the them wind up inside. Work is work wherever it's performed. Nobody buys a service unless he wants it.
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Old 08-18-2016, 01:39 PM
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As for MissingDee and others who are discussing sexuality within your relationship, I think that's a good thing. Sexuality is individual for each person and each relationship is different. No one should feel like they HAVE to decide to tolerate something that they normally wouldn't because they have preconceptions about their environment. With true open honest communication, it's healthy to find what works for you.

Changing rules for different environments may be a slippery slope, but I'm sure couples can work through this.
I totally agree with your comment, "sexuality is individual for each person and each relationship is different." I had a lot of preconceived ideas about what prisoners are like and who they are. The stuff the media puts out is hardly unbiased or believable about much of anything, politics and the Prison-Industrial Complex especially. It took me a while to begin to understand what being incarcerated actually meant to my wife. It's not just a loss of freedom. It's a loss of identity, which is a much deeper insult. We reestablished communications after she stabilized psychologically thanks to a doctor who understood how to treat her. Medical care seems spotty inside but the doctor she got inside was better than any who treated her outside. We found growing and evolving in different directions as individuals due to separation and living in two different cultures didn't have to mean growing apart. I often feel as though our lives are two circles that only overlap a little bit but we're happy with each other in that shared area of our lives.

"Changing rules for different environments" was necessary for us. It wouldn't have been if she had a short sentence and we could have looked forward to restarting our lives where we left them. We aren't going to be "The Wilkes, Continued." What we have now is all we'll ever have. We're not on a slippery slope. We're going to live pretty much as we do now, after accommodations to our reality.
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Old 08-18-2016, 03:31 PM
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I believe women create emotional intimacy, a family unit, so to speak. Different methods of coping.
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  #33  
Old 08-18-2016, 03:56 PM
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I believe women create emotional intimacy, a family unit, so to speak. Different methods of coping.
My wife mentioned that some women she knows form "families" and assume gender roles, whether sex is involved or not.
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Old 08-19-2016, 07:09 PM
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My husband and I are already going to feel so lonely without each other. We both understand how much it's going to hurt being apart, and we both understand that we have physical needs.
He can do whatever he wants as long as it doesn't get him in trouble. (I'm surprised prisoners aren't allowed to have sex. Don't they know that being sexually inactive can actually cause physical or mental health issues?)
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Old 08-19-2016, 08:09 PM
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My husband and I are already going to feel so lonely without each other. We both understand how much it's going to hurt being apart, and we both understand that we have physical needs.
He can do whatever he wants as long as it doesn't get him in trouble. (I'm surprised prisoners aren't allowed to have sex. Don't they know that being sexually inactive can actually cause physical or mental health issues?)
They have no protection in there....why would anyone risk a disease just for sex. People can wait. And that's what your hand is for. Simply being in prison causes mental health issues.
My husband does all he can not to even think about sex....when I talk about it he changes the subject unless we are on a visit. He would never step out on our marriage so I'm not worried.
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  #36  
Old 08-19-2016, 08:19 PM
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I'll point out that it's interesting....not just here but on other threads......women almost unanimously are opposed to their men being involved sexually with another inmate. Men on the other hand seem to be more permissive of it.

Anyone have any thoughts on the gender gap?-E
MD; I agree with you on that first statement above...it does seem that way...but it could just be the vocal few make it seem that way.

Gender gap MD? I prefer no gap between the genders especially at visitation but the DOC has other ideas. ;-)

Al
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Old 08-19-2016, 08:33 PM
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...How would you about feel about it if she had a sexual relationship with someone inside. Would you want her to tell you if she did? Would it change the way you feel about her? Would it change your relationship or what you expect from/with her after she gets out?
My MWI has the green light. Listen...I have no real idea what she goes through but the more I find out...the more I wish I didn't know. I don't want that to sound like I have my head in the sand just that it's hard when I'm out here and can't do anything to help...other than be here when she calls...to write and to visit. I do all of that of course. She doesn't tell me details but I have asked her how they can...get together. She's told me that she has sex there with other women. I am fine with it. She's inside...and any comfort she can get is up to her. I don't need her to tell me every time she has sex. Just knowing she does...is enough and I'm glad she gets some enjoyment there. I don't need details. Once she's out? No, it won't change our relationship because I've known this from the beginning...or almost the beginning. Honestly...because I'm 33 years older than she is...it's a bit of a comfort she is bi. I know I won't be able to satisfy her sexually so knowing she enjoys women and that she has the green light from me both inside and once she's out...helps us both. We've talked about it all...and I'll just say that anything else I may write here is just TMI and not sticking with the original poster's question. ;-)
Al
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Old 08-20-2016, 09:05 AM
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My MWI has the green light. Listen...I have no real idea what she goes through but the more I find out...the more I wish I didn't know. I don't want that to sound like I have my head in the sand just that it's hard when I'm out here and can't do anything to help...other than be here when she calls...to write and to visit. I do all of that of course. She doesn't tell me details but I have asked her how they can...get together. She's told me that she has sex there with other women. I am fine with it. She's inside...and any comfort she can get is up to her. I don't need her to tell me every time she has sex. Just knowing she does...is enough and I'm glad she gets some enjoyment there. I don't need details. Once she's out? No, it won't change our relationship because I've known this from the beginning...or almost the beginning. Honestly...because I'm 33 years older than she is...it's a bit of a comfort she is bi. I know I won't be able to satisfy her sexually so knowing she enjoys women and that she has the green light from me both inside and once she's out...helps us both. We've talked about it all...and I'll just say that anything else I may write here is just TMI and not sticking with the original poster's question. ;-)
Al
Your positive, open relationship should make her time go by more easily as well as make things work for both of you when she comes home . Secrets fester. Openness keeps things positive. My wife and I are completely candid about everything. I understand why you don't want to know too much about your LO's daily life inside and the challenges she has to deal with. Knowing details like how dirty the showers are, what high starch junk passes for prison food, etc. is painful but I want to know. It makes me feel closer to her and helps me empathize when she's feeling moody or oppressed.



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Old 08-20-2016, 09:21 AM
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My husband and I are already going to feel so lonely without each other. We both understand how much it's going to hurt being apart, and we both understand that we have physical needs.
He can do whatever he wants as long as it doesn't get him in trouble. (I'm surprised prisoners aren't allowed to have sex. Don't they know that being sexually inactive can actually cause physical or mental health issues?)
Many inmates have a history of risky behavior including intravenous drug abuse. Sex is prohibited between individuals to prevent the spread of hepatitis, assorted STDs and AIDS. It'a also prohibited between individuals to remove a source of potential conflict; lover's quarrels, third party jealousy, etc. There are enough fights without adding that to the equation. It's a fact that lack of sexual release on a regular basis can cause physical problems including benign prostate hyperplasia in men and pelvic inflammatory disease in women. I can't understand why masturbation isn't permitted for both genders. Nobody should be bothered by what happens in relative privacy under a sheet. Fortunately, the prison my wife is in doesn't generally give them too much of a hard time over it, although a few COs like to enforce all rules to the letter. If someone does get a DR for taking care of herself, it's usually written up as "out of bounds" rather than a sexual offense.
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Old 08-20-2016, 10:10 AM
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Many inmates have a history of risky behavior including intravenous drug abuse. Sex is prohibited between individuals to prevent the spread of hepatitis, assorted STDs and AIDS. It'a also prohibited between individuals to remove a source of potential conflict; lover's quarrels, third party jealousy, etc. There are enough fights without adding that to the equation. It's a fact that lack of sexual release on a regular basis can cause physical problems including benign prostate hyperplasia in men and pelvic inflammatory disease in women. I can't understand why masturbation isn't permitted for both genders. Nobody should be bothered by what happens in relative privacy under a sheet. Fortunately, the prison my wife is in doesn't generally give them too much of a hard time over it, although a few COs like to enforce all rules to the letter. If someone does get a DR for taking care of herself, it's usually written up as "out of bounds" rather than a sexual offense.
Where have you got your information from that lack of sexual release can cause pelvic inflammatory disease in women? PID is most commonly cause by STI's , surgery complication , rarely use of tampons or contraceptive coils, it can also be caused by natural bacteria in the reproductive system it is NOT caused by lack of sexual activity.

Benign prostate hyperplasia in men is common in men over 50 and thought to be due to a hormone imbalence as the testosterone hormone production slows.Although the exact cause is unknown.Its also more common in men with diabetes and or high blood pressure.

I would be interested in any research you are quoting that confirms that either of these conditions is caused by lack of sexual release.
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Old 08-20-2016, 11:17 AM
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Where have you got your information from that lack of sexual release can cause pelvic inflammatory disease in women? PID is most commonly cause by STI's , surgery complication , rarely use of tampons or contraceptive coils, it can also be caused by natural bacteria in the reproductive system it is NOT caused by lack of sexual activity.

Benign prostate hyperplasia in men is common in men over 50 and thought to be due to a hormone imbalence as the testosterone hormone production slows.Although the exact cause is unknown.Its also more common in men with diabetes and or high blood pressure.

I would be interested in any research you are quoting that confirms that either of these conditions is caused by lack of sexual release.
Pelvic Inflammatory Disease (PID) is a general term that refers to an acute infection involving the upper female genital tract. PID is also characterized by prolonged engorgement of the sexual organs caused by unrelieved excitation. Prostitutes frequently suffer the effects of PID from failing to have orgasms during sexual activity. That condition used to be referred to by laymen as "nun's disease".

Some researchers believe that BPH can be caused or affected by lack of ejaculation. I can't cite any studies on that subject. I will if I find any later.

Prostate cancer is a bigger issue. Per Marc Garnick, M.D., Editor in Chief of Harvard Medical School’sAnnual Report on Prostate Diseases: "Two relatively large studies of the question of whether ejaculation can reduce the odds of develeoping prostate cancer, reported in 2003 and 2004, yielded good news for sexually active men: high ejaculation frequency seemed to protect against prostate cancer.

"As part of Harvard’s Health Professionals Follow-up Study, 29,342 men between the ages of 46 and 81 reported their average number of ejaculations per month in young adulthood (ages 20–29), in mid-life (ages 40–49), and in the most recent year. Ejaculations included sexual intercourse, nocturnal emissions, and masturbation. Study participants also provided comprehensive health and lifestyle data every two years from 1992 to 2000. The scientists found that men who ejaculated 21 or more times a month enjoyed a 33% lower risk of prostate cancer compared with men who reported four to seven ejaculations a month throughout their lifetimes.


"An Australian study of 2,338 men came to a similar conclusion. In all, men who averaged 4.6 to seven ejaculations a week were 36% less likely to be diagnosed with prostate cancer before the age of 70 than men who ejaculated less than 2.3 times a week on average. The study found no connection between prostate cancer and the number of sex partners."
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Old 08-20-2016, 11:27 AM
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Benign prostate hyperplasia is not prostrate cancer it is a benigh condition as I stated.
Also please to avoid this thread going off topic please PM me with the web links to the research you have cited about PID.

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Old 08-20-2016, 11:30 AM
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I'm going to have to sort of second Maytayah's question here. I have heard a lot of things about a healthy sex life in men helping to reduce (not eliminate!) the risk of things like prostate cancer (http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/861284 - note though that one of the detractors says that "association does not mean causation, so one has to be cautious about interpretation), and of course you always hear about sex and sexual activity (when it's healthy sex and sexual activity, of course) increasing levels of hormones that increase energy, reduce pain, reduce stress, etc. (apologies, I'm just kind of repeating things I've heard over the years from multiple sources, school classes, internet reading.) But I've never heard about lack of orgasm in women causing PID. My knowledge, and a quick Google search where I typed in "lack of sex causes PID in women" (maybe I was too general?) turned up nothing that actually said that, but did confirm that PID is a consequence of STDs mostly and a few other health-related issues such as were discussed...

To try to bring this back to the original topic and make it applicable....STD risk is obviously a concern. Even though the stereotype is that it's much more difficult for a female-female relationship to result in an STD transfer than a male-male relationship, that doesn't make it impossible, and Dee had some concerns about that. In California prisons, they do regular physical checks at least once a year which includes a full STD panel. Dee's most recent was clean.

Then there's the issue of sex and the psychological benefit of it...that's another reason why I've given Dee that freedom. Prison's a stressful, depressing place. Believe me, if they had a policy saying that I could come up once a week or once a month or whatnot and have relations with her, I'd do it. But that doesn't exist, and because we're not married even if she didn't have the disciplinary record she has "family visits" are not an option for us, and after about a year of her being in we decided we were not going to get married until after she came home. Which left us two people in our 30's in a sexless relationship.

Now, I've read where some people put....I don't want to say blame, because that's a bad word...emphasis? Well, you know, they point out "well they did the thing that's keeping them from me so I don't want them messing around on me." And I get that, and I respect that. In my case, I felt more like...I kind of knew what I was getting myself into, not exactly but I knew this was a potential consequence of being in a relationship with her. And obviously, I have the means to "take care of myself" so to speak. She...has cell mates and no internet access. So given the situation I decided to make sex a healthy talking point instead of something that gets denied. I didn't encourage her to seek out sex for the sake of seeking out sex, but I didn't discourage it either.

I think what makes this topic a bit volatile and controversial....is we all sort of have our different views on sex and love. Dee and I....have a fairly similar look at it. I also would say that our views on sex and love have evolved a bit at least as far as our relationship specific to one another. If I can be specific, her in-prison affairs are a thing of the past at this point. At a visit about 6 months ago she told me "I'm not going to do that anymore, I had my fun, I did my exploring, and all its kind of led to is that this is my most important relationship...which I always knew but I kind of feel like I never really appreciated the way I should have." So I guess that's sort of the twist here for us specifically....in the evolution of our relationship, Dee finally reached a point in terms of her role where she felt that she no longer needed or wanted to be involved with the women she'd been involved with. And she re-iterated it in a phone call a couple of months ago where she told me another woman, and actually a very attractive one (I've seen photos....that bit about inmates not having internet access is laughable, so many men and women in California's prison system have Facebooks it's not even funny,) had approached her about "being together." And she told me that she told her "you know, I'm not going to lie, I think you're attractive, and when I was messing with women I would have done it, but things are really good with me and my man right now and I want to honor my commitment to him." She said the girl was taken aback but was incredibly respectful of it, joked "damn, I should've said something last year, huh?" And I asked Dee "are you sure? You know you're okay to spend some time with her if you want to, if that's what you need" and she said "no...I'm sure. It's only a few more months."

So I guess, if we come circle, that's where the story ends as far as Dee's prison sexuality. She did say there was definitely something to "feeling good" and getting her needs met that helped her get through. But, and this is the interesting observation, and please note this is a case study....she reached a point where, and maybe it was a point in her own evolution, maybe it was a point of confidence in our relationships, maybe it was a little of both, maybe it was something else.....but it came....she reached a point where she got enough, emotionally, psychologically, whatnot....where she felt she no longer needed those bonds or that intimacy from others. I'm still offering her the "green light." She's opted instead to get out of the car and wait for me to pick her up, if I can use a metaphor here....

Anyway. I hope that kind of brings us back to our original topic....

-E
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Old 08-20-2016, 11:39 AM
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[...] Honestly...because I'm 33 years older than she is...it's a bit of a comfort she is bi. I know I won't be able to satisfy her sexually so knowing she enjoys women and that she has the green light from me both inside and once she's out...helps us both. [...]
Curious, and I apologize if this appears to pry...but when you say you won't be able to satisfy her, are you referring to her attraction to women?
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Old 08-20-2016, 11:44 AM
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I understand they don't want the spread of disease, but people are going to have sex regardless of the rules. Especially the people who are in for life. If they really want to prevent the spread of disease they should allow congigal visits and sell condoms.
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Old 08-20-2016, 11:48 AM
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[...]In my case, I felt more like...I kind of knew what I was getting myself into, not exactly but I knew this was a potential consequence of being in a relationship with her.[...]

I also would say that our views on sex and love have evolved a bit at least as far as our relationship specific to one another. If I can be specific, her in-prison affairs are a thing of the past at this point. At a visit about 6 months ago she told me "I'm not going to do that anymore, I had my fun, I did my exploring, and all its kind of led to is that this is my most important relationship...which I always knew but I kind of feel like I never really appreciated the way I should have." [....]
I don't want to say I feel exactly the same, but your statements are as close as I've read to how my husband and I feel. We're MWI so I knew exactly what I was signing up for. Very early in our relationship he made it clear that he felt sex was important and while he would prefer I didn't have other partners, he knew the odds of that lasting his entire bid wasn't likely. He asked that should that happen, I not tell him. This is why in another thread I commented that I strongly feel many inmates "give permission" because they feel they have to. Not all, of course. But the reality is, as you described Dee...I've had my fun. I've been wild. I've been there, done that and to be honest...I'm enjoying the security and comfort of a monogamous, sexless marriage. Are there times when I'm lonely? Yes. I know he is, too. But for us, the commitment to gut it out has, thus far, been more important to our relationship.

If I were to learn he was sexually active inside, to be honest...it would be a surprise but not a reason for an argument. I would want to make sure he was safe, but it wouldn't create doubt in regard to his commitment to me. But like he requested of me, I'd rather not get into details. Not because of being squeamish or finding it off-putting, but he's my husband. My best friend. And I don't need or want the idea of him in any other way.
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Old 08-20-2016, 11:49 AM
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Originally Posted by JennaJackson88 View Post
I understand they don't want the spread of disease, but people are going to have sex regardless of the rules. Especially the people who are in for life. If they really want to prevent the spread of disease they should allow congigal visits and sell condoms.
Some states have family visits and many facilities provide condoms now.
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Old 08-20-2016, 11:53 AM
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And as for all the talk about sex and disease prevention...why all the justification? It's sex. We know it's beneficial to us inside healthy boundaries. But there a literally a gazillion people who are celibate for whatever reason and you would be hard pressed to tell me that they haven't found ways to bring a state of contentment and joy into their lives that also creates a healthy body and mind.

You can ride a bike, you can swim, you can read, dance, sing, meditate, have sex. It's on a list, it is not the list.
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Old 08-20-2016, 12:08 PM
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I'm glad I don't have to worry about this.....I would never be ok with it ever. My husband doesn't like men in that way. I don't even know how a woman would be ok with this. A hand and a warm shower is good enough lol
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Old 08-20-2016, 12:12 PM
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I'm glad I don't have to worry about this.....I would never be ok with it ever. My husband doesn't like men in that way. I don't even know how a woman would be ok with this. A hand and a warm shower is good enough lol
Because we're all wired differently. It would be incredibly hypocritical of me to not accept it because I've had relationships with women.
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