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  #76  
Old 09-05-2016, 03:49 PM
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This is the most interesting topic I've seen yet I think. I guess we can all agree we don't want our loved one in prison having sex with a man. Lol.
Lol my husband is satisfied with his hand and some lotion. I never understood how a man could just have sex with another man because a woman wasn't available.
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  #77  
Old 09-05-2016, 03:55 PM
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There is a lot of speculating and stereotyping in this thread.
Men do this , women do that, men think this, women think that. Men dont get involved women do!
We are not all the same , we were never meant to all be the same. Relationships are as diverse as the people in them so rather deciding what a whole gender does please think about the OP's question how would you feel?
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  #78  
Old 09-05-2016, 04:00 PM
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Originally Posted by maytayah View Post
There is a lot of speculating and stereotyping in this thread.
Men do this , women do that, men think this, women think that. Men dont get involved women do!
We are not all the same , we were never meant to all be the same. Relationships are as diverse as the people in them so rather deciding what a whole gender does please think about the OP's question how would you feel?
Well I would feel like my man is gay if he had sex with another inmate. We would no longer be together- I could easily forgive him for having sex with s woman but I couldn't get over him having sex with a man. We would just have to be friends.
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  #79  
Old 09-05-2016, 04:01 PM
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Some women get involved. Some times. Some men get involved. Some times. Sorry, WW, but the world of sexuality is just not as black and white as some people want to make it.
I made a global statement when I should have made an individual one.
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  #80  
Old 09-05-2016, 04:08 PM
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Lol my husband is satisfied with his hand and some lotion. I never understood how a man could just have sex with another man because a woman wasn't available.
Lol mine is too! He has told me stories about walking in on two guys before and was shocked because he said you would never know sometimes. But he is content with his hand too for now lol.
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  #81  
Old 09-05-2016, 04:26 PM
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There is no way my man would ever sleep with another inmate and if he did.....Bye!!!! Cheating is cheating even if it's a man or woman and I would never forgive him if he did. I would be drawing up divorce papers next day. End of story.
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  #82  
Old 09-06-2016, 03:56 AM
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To be completely honest, I think I'd have to side with, Good for him! I've actually thought about this be it other inmate, Co, staff, nurse; since people on PT have had their arguments about nurses, Why not! Do I wanna know about it, I'm not sure yet. If he had that opportunity then I think he should!! Of course I would worry about being safe!!
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  #83  
Old 09-06-2016, 05:19 AM
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He's free to do what he wants and so am I BUT I would be worried him catching a disease to be honest. I don't think they sell condoms in commissary...
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  #84  
Old 09-07-2016, 11:40 AM
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Mizzy, you bring up an important point, which is protection for IF they do opt to engage in that sort of activity.

I know that in California prisons there's supposedly a condom program for the men.

I don't think there's any sort of equivalent for the women. And of course with the stereotype being that women are less likely to transmit disease to their partners, that may have something to do with it. Which is a bit ignorant.....just because the risk is lower doesn't mean it's non-existent.

I will say with Dee I've used the statistics to ease her concerns about a few things. And really I'm more concerned about the drug use element (shared needles.) But I will also say that I'm glad that at least they do full STD panels on them periodically so she's had that assurance that she hasn't gotten anything in there. Peace of mind in that regard...a good thing.

Of course, there's always this thought....if they're NOT messing around with someone else, they're not risking bringing you home anything that you don't have already (and if you have nothing, then you'll get nothing.)
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  #85  
Old 09-07-2016, 11:50 AM
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I know that in California prisons there's supposedly a condom program for the men.
Yes, they've quietly been providing them for a bit of time now.
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  #86  
Old 09-07-2016, 04:30 PM
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Hep is running rampant in prisons and there's plenty of HIV/AIDS to go around, too. Condoms are cheaper than prescriptions.
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  #87  
Old 09-07-2016, 06:00 PM
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Hep is running rampant in prisons and there's plenty of HIV/AIDS to go around, too. Condoms are cheaper than prescriptions.
Condoms are definitely cheaper then prescriptions but they don't always work and often break. But as I see it if your in for a short time you should be able to control your self enough to wait and be faithful. If you can't you shouldn't be in a relationship period. And where we are from the test you coming in and going out. If you come out with something your caught lol
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Old 09-07-2016, 06:22 PM
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Condoms are definitely cheaper then prescriptions but they don't always work and often break. But as I see it if your in for a short time you should be able to control your self enough to wait and be faithful. If you can't you shouldn't be in a relationship period. And where we are from the test you coming in and going out. If you come out with something your caught lol
My LO has been in numerous violent, bloody fights. It would have been quite easy for him to contract a blood born pathogen during one of those altercations. He's fastidious about being tested because it was a concern for him for so long. Sex isn't the only method of transmission so it probably wouldn't be my first concern.
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Old 09-07-2016, 08:47 PM
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My LO has been in numerous violent, bloody fights. It would have been quite easy for him to contract a blood born pathogen during one of those altercations. He's fastidious about being tested because it was a concern for him for so long. Sex isn't the only method of transmission so it probably wouldn't be my first concern.
It would be mine. My husband stays away from those situations if there was a fight because I know things happen the we go from there. But my husband doesn't share anything or use anything of anyone elses. But I'm definitely not worried he would cheat.
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Old 09-11-2016, 02:50 PM
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I guess I presume it's going to happen. We aren't together, his arrest and conviction took care of that. But we are still in contact and I care that he's safe and able to stay in contact with the kids. This is hard enough without making it harder on us all by being nasty or vindictive to him. He's going to be in for a long time, and he's in for some stuff that will not go well in general population, so I guess I just figure it's bound to happen.
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Old 09-12-2016, 07:42 PM
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I'll point out that it's interesting....not just here but on other threads......women almost unanimously are opposed to their men being involved sexually with another inmate. Men on the other hand seem to be more permissive of it. Now, I personally am not stepping out. Others do have permission.

I am not sure why there's a gender difference exactly. I don't think it's an issue of us men being "dogs" so to speak because clearly we are all very much in love with and very supportive of our women. I was having a terrible day today and 15 minutes on the phone with Dee completely lit up my world. We are a team in all regards except one right now and that's going to cease to be an issue in exactly 4 months (and a few hours.)

Anyone have any thoughts on the gender gap?

-E
I noticed the same thing. I dont really have any completely formed thoughts on it, but from my experience...

I am female and previous to my relationship with my now husband I only had open relationships by my choice. I rarely if ever acted upon this (ie hooked up with another guy). But I was not sexually jealous. My rule was that if you could be in me bed ya better be in my bed. If for some reason (distance etc) you cant I dont care, just be safe and dont bring it home with you (ie I better not get drama from this). Then I met my current man and I had to deal with jealousy for the first time. The only reason I can think of for the difference is that he was THE ONE. And I somehow knew it and wasnt willing to share. Fastforward 5 years (of him being in prison). It gets trickier here. From the beginning and forever, EMOTIONAL loyalty was what was important to me. Then I dealt with sexual jealously for the first time, now, I just love the man and we are back to emotional loyalty being most important to me.... which also means I would be pissed if he got into a sexual relationship in there cause it would jeopardize our contact soooo... But he is in for life. sooo... his happiness. I find myself slowly going back to who cares as long as he is safe and happy and it does not fuck with us.

BUT in regards to women being like he wont etc... Well in a culture in which male promiscuity is accepted and female promiscuity is damned, and having a man that society does not value much and everyone is saying hes gonna do you dirty... Having a male who is gonna buck social okness and trends for you when he doesnt have much else to speak for, well its a matter of pride and its necessary for us to speak it. Yall who are with women dont get horrible reality tv shows made just to show how desperate you are, you know? we do. Women who stand by their men are looked at as fools. To be able to say, well he dont want no one but me, well, often its the case and a lot of women on the street who are telling us we are fools cant say the same thing. Its a matter of respect. Not sure if this made sense, but there it is. For what it is.
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  #92  
Old 09-13-2016, 12:22 PM
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I noticed the same thing. I dont really have any completely formed thoughts on it, but from my experience...

I am female and previous to my relationship with my now husband I only had open relationships by my choice. I rarely if ever acted upon this (ie hooked up with another guy). But I was not sexually jealous. My rule was that if you could be in me bed ya better be in my bed. If for some reason (distance etc) you cant I dont care, just be safe and dont bring it home with you (ie I better not get drama from this). Then I met my current man and I had to deal with jealousy for the first time. The only reason I can think of for the difference is that he was THE ONE. And I somehow knew it and wasnt willing to share. Fastforward 5 years (of him being in prison). It gets trickier here. From the beginning and forever, EMOTIONAL loyalty was what was important to me. Then I dealt with sexual jealously for the first time, now, I just love the man and we are back to emotional loyalty being most important to me.... which also means I would be pissed if he got into a sexual relationship in there cause it would jeopardize our contact soooo... But he is in for life. sooo... his happiness. I find myself slowly going back to who cares as long as he is safe and happy and it does not fuck with us.

BUT in regards to women being like he wont etc... Well in a culture in which male promiscuity is accepted and female promiscuity is damned, and having a man that society does not value much and everyone is saying hes gonna do you dirty... Having a male who is gonna buck social okness and trends for you when he doesnt have much else to speak for, well its a matter of pride and its necessary for us to speak it. Yall who are with women dont get horrible reality tv shows made just to show how desperate you are, you know? we do. Women who stand by their men are looked at as fools. To be able to say, well he dont want no one but me, well, often its the case and a lot of women on the street who are telling us we are fools cant say the same thing. Its a matter of respect. Not sure if this made sense, but there it is. For what it is.
No, I think I get what you are saying. And I appreciate you sharing. Thank you.

I also definitely agree with you about the fact us men with women in prison don't get "horrible" reality TV shows made about us. In some ways, maybe that's a blessing. It really does give the prison wife/girlfriend a bad look....
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  #93  
Old 09-13-2016, 01:56 PM
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I've read all the responses to date. Not surprisingly, opinions are diverse. My wife hasn't mentioned being attracted to anyone inside in all the years she's been there so I probably won't ever have to confront her being with someone. She gave her approval for me to have no-relationship "dates" as long as I don't sneak around and I answer her questions about it. I owe her the same freedom and I'd ask for the some terms. We might both feel different if she were coming home.
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Old 10-31-2016, 02:43 PM
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If I had to call it, I would say that the difference is biological rather than cultural or psychological. Women only have one egg, men have a heck of a lot of sperm. Add in that for a woman, sex is never just sex. Every time that a woman engages in a sexual act with another (male or female), her body releases hormones that bond her to that person. This happens whether she wants it to or not. Therefore, the more sexual contact with that individual, the greater the bond.

These things tend to play in the psychology. So she is more likely to be opposed to her mate indulging with someone other than herself because of that experience. After all, we do tend to see the world through our own experience of it. It isn't really selfish, because she was programmed that way by nature in order to protect her relationship. Remember, there was a time when not having a man would greatly affect a woman's ability to survive. Men not so much.

Because we produce sperm in abundance, we try to spread it around. So nature didn't install as strong a bonding system in us as it did the women in regard to sex. If it did, we wouldn't try to disseminate our genes so widely. Therefore, we tend to take a more liberal view of the matter. Another likely component is the sexual interest that men express with women who engage in lesbian sex. For a lot of men, that isn't seen as a detractor.

That's not to say that men are as supportive of their mates sleeping with other men. Far from it. For that we return to biology. If you are cuckolded, you don't really know if your kids are your own or belong to another man. So we tend to get sporty about it. So while it is mostly alright for our women to engage with other women, it is definitely not alright for them to do so with other men.

Of course, there are a great many variances, but I think that those are the broad strokes.

Your post makes no sense and is full of inaccuracies. One great one being "woman have one egg". Women are born with over two millions eggs. You need a science lesson.
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Old 10-31-2016, 02:52 PM
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Your post makes no sense and is full of inaccuracies. One great one being "woman have one egg". Women are born with over two millions eggs. You need a science lesson.
A woman is born with a large number of eggs but only one or two are typically ripe for fertilization during any period of fertility. She invests an enormous amount of energy in preparing those eggs and nurturing any that get fertilized. The energy a man expends producing sperm is minuscule in comparison.
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Old 10-31-2016, 03:30 PM
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Folks, let's save the science lessons for PMs and try to get back on topic. The issue of reproduction is ultimately not relevant here as the subject matter at hand is how we would react to our loved ones becoming involved sexually/romantically with another inmate.

-E
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Old 11-01-2016, 12:45 PM
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I'd be interested in knowing whether the level of sexual activity among inmates is lower where family visits are permitted and if so, by how much.
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Old 11-01-2016, 05:19 PM
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I'd be interested in knowing whether the level of sexual activity among inmates is lower where family visits are permitted and if so, by how much.
I'm doubting it would reduce it that much since family visits tend to require for the inmate to be married AND for them to be able to qualify (in California, at least until recently, some classifications, particularly lifers, were not eligible, and even those who were eligible....I forget if it was 12 or 24 months disciplinary-free time, but they don't allow just anybody to get it.)

Given the marriage parameter, for women in particular (since they tend to get abandoned at higher rates than the men, though a good number of men get abandoned by their spouses as well,) how many would realistically qualify?
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Old 11-27-2016, 12:48 AM
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The institution of marriage should be sacred. "Should be" because I know to many it is not.
My husband and I are in this for the long haul....
There is no room for outsiders. There is no room for riffraff, trifling, lying or deceit.
Fidelity IS the easier softer way.
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Old 12-02-2016, 02:10 AM
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I realize that I'm a lady posting in the men's area, but oh well...

When I first started writing my fiance we weren't in a relationship (we reconnected while he was incarcerated.) In fact, I was married (I have since been widowed.)

He's bisexual and has admitted to me that he's been in a couple of relationships on the inside. It didn't bother me when he explained that he gets tested every time he moves to a different prison. That said, he also told me that he hasn't been in a relationship since about a year after I started writing, because I had unusual circumstances in that my husband had a chronic/terminal illness and that M was already thinking about a possible chance with me.

Even though I was married at the time we made things serious (my husband approved by the way) M decided that he would consider himself in a monogamous relationship with me and would no longer be pursuing prison relationships. And I have no reason to think that he has been.

That said, now that we're monogamous I don't think that I could really deal with it if he were to be in another relationship. Or at least I'd have the shit tested out of him. I wasn't able to forget him which is why I found him again to begin with. I'm pretty sure that I'd forgive him but he'd better not be doing it without my permission (I'm okay with polyamory in general, but prison conditions make it kinda hard to stay safe.)
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