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Wives & Girlfriends in Prison For everyone who has a wife, girlfriend, or female partner incarcerated.

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  #26  
Old 01-31-2018, 10:46 PM
K6770 K6770 is offline
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I rethought this thread on and off today. AM would likely say I'm a coddler at times, or at least that I'm willing to give too much slack to people. However, my perception was that this topic was about when behavioral changes happen and you know something is off, but you can't figure out why. There are times when you sit there and listen about the really crappy day/week in prison because you know it's not the crappy day/week that's the real issue. Or worst case they start to go quiet and it's not something you can pin down on that time of the mouth or problems with the phones or the jpay. You ever had a loved one cancel a visit the week before because they are tired?
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  #27  
Old 02-01-2018, 06:11 AM
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Frankly and I don't mean this in a mean way but really your being a fool. Why would you ever let anyone in prison jail or wherever do this to you? I'd be damned if I let anyone berate me to build their ego, all your doing is allowing her to be an abusive shrew. PS Shrew was the nicer of the terms I was thinking of. Frankly she should be grateful for having a guy who is sticking by her, not abusing him.


XO, I'm on the same page with you regarding not putting up with abuse or exploitation for the sake of their ego. I'm sure we could also go into a long discussion about ills of codependency.
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  #28  
Old 02-01-2018, 08:04 AM
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XO, I'm on the same page with you regarding not putting up with abuse or exploitation for the sake of their ego. I'm sure we could also go into a long discussion about ills of codependency.
I believe we could and unfortunately a lot of prison relationships turn into codependent and are not exactly healthy for either party involved. I get wanting someone to know your supportive and understanding but from a female side of things mood swings could be hormones or something as simple as your shoes feel tight, believe me my husband knew when to talk and when to avoid anything that could set me off on a tangent that really had no real basis. Prison sucks we all get that, but being men your never gonna understand PMS or feeling bloated or a million other female things, and if my husband had even tried to say wow honey you look great when I was PMSing I would have wanted to kill him. Somethings there is no understanding and womens hormones and such are one of them.
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  #29  
Old 02-01-2018, 09:23 AM
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I believe we could and unfortunately a lot of prison relationships turn into codependent and are not exactly healthy for either party involved. I get wanting someone to know your supportive and understanding but from a female side of things mood swings could be hormones or something as simple as your shoes feel tight, believe me my husband knew when to talk and when to avoid anything that could set me off on a tangent that really had no real basis. Prison sucks we all get that, but being men your never gonna understand PMS or feeling bloated or a million other female things, and if my husband had even tried to say wow honey you look great when I was PMSing I would have wanted to kill him. Somethings there is no understanding and womens hormones and such are one of them.

You are very right about biochem/pms stuff. It might not be possible to understand everything, there has to be understandings. When AM went quiet or was not herself with me she was also doing the same with her mom and I was getting worried calls from her mom. Arrangements and understandings had to be come to, but that was and remains an ongoing process.

AM had medical issue inside that caught my attention, and it was the reason I first posted in this thread. I think mental issues can be just as big a concern when you have a LO inside that is not themselves.
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  #30  
Old 02-01-2018, 09:55 AM
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Default Do you find your lady’s behavior puzzling or frustrating?

I don't know if this analogy works for anyone else, but for me communicating with an incarcerated LO was at times a signal vs noise problem. You can't eliminate the source of the noise but it helps to know what you can about it.

Last edited by K6770; 02-01-2018 at 09:58 AM..
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  #31  
Old 02-01-2018, 03:37 PM
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[quote=missingdee ...OP (Wilkes) is trying to make is to try to draw some understanding of what it is that the women may be experiencing based on what he has learned here and what Tammy has told him. -E [/quote]

Insightful, as always. I was trying to give newer outmates some perspective. You visit. She was on your last visit but she isn't today. She's wound up tight, showing some frown lines, maybe squinting a bit, fidgeting, sitting rigidly with her arms crossed across her chest. You ask what's wrong. She snarls NOTHING! It's never "nothing". Understanding some of the things that might be bothering her is important.
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  #32  
Old 02-01-2018, 03:42 PM
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Originally Posted by K6770 View Post
I rethought this thread on and off today. AM would likely say I'm a coddler at times, or at least that I'm willing to give too much slack to people. However, my perception was that this topic was about when behavioral changes happen and you know something is off, but you can't figure out why. There are times when you sit there and listen about the really crappy day/week in prison because you know it's not the crappy day/week that's the real issue. Or worst case they start to go quiet and it's not something you can pin down on that time of the mouth or problems with the phones or the jpay. You ever had a loved one cancel a visit the week before because they are tired?
It's sometimes very difficult to figure out what's bothering them even while you're living with them. We had 5 good years together during which I was sometimes mystified even though we had a solid marriage. Tammy never cancelled a visit but in the beginning we hardly talked. She just stared at me with tears running down her cheeks. I wouldn't wish that on anyone!

Last edited by WaitingWilkes; 02-01-2018 at 04:24 PM..
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  #33  
Old 02-01-2018, 04:21 PM
WaitingWilkes WaitingWilkes is online now
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You are very right about biochem/pms stuff. It might not be possible to understand everything, there has to be understandings. When AM went quiet or was not herself with me she was also doing the same with her mom and I was getting worried calls from her mom. Arrangements and understandings had to be come to, but that was and remains an ongoing process.

AM had medical issue inside that caught my attention, and it was the reason I first posted in this thread. I think mental issues can be just as big a concern when you have a LO inside that is not themselves.
Mental issues are definitely a huge problem inside. Tammy has been lucky enough to have some pretty competent psychiatric care and meds that work fairly well for her. In my experience, depression, anger, loneliness and all the other negative stuff hits them as soon as the numbness of waking up inside wears off. It takes them a while to get used to the new normal, not that anything about prison is normal. Then the problems start; extreme frustration, sick relatives, troubled or sick kids, relationship issues, etc.

Women serving long sentences have plenty of time to encounter and have to deal with those and other serious situations they can't do anything about. I sent Tammy a copy of an article titled
Mature Coping Among Life-Sentenced Inmates. She found it helpful and so did the women she gave it to. She keeps copies in the library for new arrivals with long sentences. It's available at https://deathpenaltyinfo.org/documents/coping.pdf The information and suggestions are valuable for those who aren't serving particularly long sentences, too.

Last edited by WaitingWilkes; 02-01-2018 at 04:23 PM..
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  #34  
Old 02-01-2018, 04:25 PM
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Originally Posted by K6770 View Post
I don't know if this analogy works for anyone else, but for me communicating with an incarcerated LO was at times a signal vs noise problem. You can't eliminate the source of the noise but it helps to know what you can about it.
Sometimes the noise IS the signal.
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  #35  
Old 04-01-2018, 02:43 PM
BubbleGuppy BubbleGuppy is offline
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Happy Easter everyone!!! I haven't heard from her today. No one has. I have no idea why she hasn't called but we had an argument yesterday and she did mention her period. Her kids and her family are with her ex. I couldn't talk to anyone. Spent the whole easter teaching myself new things on youtube.

I've learned that if she is ever PMSing, don't ever dismiss it as normal and ignore her. I chase her down, and kiss her till I ask her what's really wrong and don't let her go till she admits. She'll finally admit it and then say a little bit it coz it's that time of the month. Usually how we fix it.

Last edited by BubbleGuppy; 04-01-2018 at 02:46 PM.. Reason: Staying on topic
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  #36  
Old 08-01-2018, 01:35 AM
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Originally Posted by WaitingWilkes View Post
Excellent information, as always. You're right about relationships with deeper meaning. Each outmate has to decide what his inmate's strong emotional bond/love might mean to his relationship with her.
What if she is not letting you in her emotional side or even tries to have that bond but swears up & down she loves you & wants to be with you
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Old 08-01-2018, 08:07 AM
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What if she is not letting you in her emotional side or even tries to have that bond but swears up & down she loves you & wants to be with you
You have to actually be able to read through a lot of mixed signals. Prison is a place where any emotions you show can be used as weapons against the inmate. There are some very mentally abusive people who are emotional vampires!! I also think in prison people develop a defense mechanism so they don't get hurt.

Last edited by xolady; 08-01-2018 at 08:18 AM..
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Old 08-01-2018, 09:07 AM
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You have to actually be able to read through a lot of mixed signals. Prison is a place where any emotions you show can be used as weapons against the inmate. There are some very mentally abusive people who are emotional vampires!! I also think in prison people develop a defense mechanism so they don't get hurt.
Yea i was in prison too but guess its different for women plus she chose to not click up so yea i guess i can see that
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Old 08-01-2018, 01:33 PM
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What if she is not letting you in her emotional side or even tries to have that bond but swears up & down she loves you & wants to be with you

She may be dealing with trauma issues/PTSD/something along those lines. Just a thought.....
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