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  #1  
Old 08-22-2011, 05:09 PM
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Default Could You turn your back?

So some of you know my story... its been rough really really rough...if you are pretty sure your child is sick...refuses help..lashes out at you, threatens you and the family..name calling, stealing,violating probation, sneaking around with a man who she met in jail who has killed his mother, mind you he is 60 and she just turned 18..you find out she has been asking around for a gun, has been asked to leave friends homes because she wigged out on them and they got scared, has kept your grand child from you, told grand child not to come around us..and to top it off goes back to jail for domestic violence/probation violation and you had to get a protective order against your own child... could any of you? even if it was to protect your family because you were scared of her... i refuse to be in her life unless she seeks help... and the pain is catching up..i try to talk my way thru it..but i cant forgive the things she has said and done to us thru this horrible journey..why i ask.. why.. why if you know your sick would you not get help..it was handed to her on a silver plate and she refused... now look.. back in jail and you have nobody... now what?
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Old 08-22-2011, 05:27 PM
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J, It seems you hear and see it over and over again, the sicker they are the more resisitant they are to accept help. I went through the same thing you are going through. My son did terrible things to me and my family when he was drugging, otherwise he would give you the shirt off his back in a snow storm. I also had a restraining order on him and had not seen or talked to him in years while he was going in and out of prison. I was too angry, sad, and distraught as I went through the grieving process fluctuating from one stage to another just to find myself back at the botton. I know it's awful, but that's when I thought it best if one of us were dead.....to stop the pain. All I can say is what I did and that was to wait. Like my son, your daughter is in and will be examined to see what is left. All this is why they advise and it is best to step back. Letting go isn't forever although I certainly thought it would be the way I felt about my son. I hated him, I hated what he did, I hated everything and everybody. I was oozing with hate of the unfairness as I watched the so called 'normal' kids and their parents go through the 'normal' life, something I can not even dream about anymore. So, does all of this make us 'abnormal', I think not, there is too many of us still on the loose.
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  #3  
Old 08-22-2011, 05:44 PM
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I don't think it is turning your back. I think it is protecting everyone. You, your family and her, too. She may not see it now, but you are trying to stop her from doing even more bad things. You are trying to put up road blocks, to give her a chance to see what she is really doing and getting help. You are not enabling her. You are taking a stand. What you are doing is very hard and you should be proud of yourself.
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Old 08-22-2011, 06:21 PM
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my son was out of control at 18 so I asked his juvie PO to let me throw him out of the house. In no time he was in adult jail. I also called the cops on him more than once because I was not going to let him think I was a victim or that I approved of his behavior.

I told him that I loved him and when he was ready to help himself, I would be supportive as well. I only helped him when he helped himself.

Isn't 18 underage?? or is it 21??? if so, turn the guy in too. I don't know how a female inmate can meet a male inmate??

Jenny take care of yourself and set firm boundaries. Pray for her and don't let her in the house til she has proven herself to be worthy.
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Old 08-22-2011, 06:38 PM
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read this about detachment and let go or be dragged:
http://www.ehow.com/how_5820358_detach-love.html
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Old 08-22-2011, 06:42 PM
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I so agree with all of the above...especially TiredMom.....protect the innocent.....think of you and the ones who are not doing wrong. Hard hard hard to do...stay strong!
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Old 08-22-2011, 06:46 PM
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Originally Posted by jancy View Post
my son was out of control at 18 so I asked his juvie PO to let me throw him out of the house. In no time he was in adult jail. I also called the cops on him more than once because I was not going to let him think I was a victim or that I approved of his behavior.

I told him that I loved him and when he was ready to help himself, I would be supportive as well. I only helped him when he helped himself.

Isn't 18 underage?? or is it 21??? if so, turn the guy in too. I don't know how a female inmate can meet a male inmate??

Jenny take care of yourself and set firm boundaries. Pray for her and don't let her in the house til she has proven herself to be worthy.

at the county jail hee the 4th floor is mental..they were conversing thru a wall...
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Old 08-22-2011, 07:33 PM
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Jenny, I cannot imagine what you are going through, have been through...but I can say that I believe taking a firm stand is the only answer for safety and sanity. I am so very sorry that you are going through this......I pray the end of this nightmare is soon. In the meantime, be safe.
I will keep you and yours in my prayers.
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Old 08-22-2011, 08:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenny67 View Post
So some of you know my story... its been rough really really rough...if you are pretty sure your child is sick...refuses help..lashes out at you, threatens you and the family..name calling, stealing,violating probation, sneaking around with a man who she met in jail who has killed his mother, mind you he is 60 and she just turned 18..you find out she has been asking around for a gun, has been asked to leave friends homes because she wigged out on them and they got scared, has kept your grand child from you, told grand child not to come around us..and to top it off goes back to jail for domestic violence/probation violation and you had to get a protective order against your own child... could any of you? even if it was to protect your family because you were scared of her... i refuse to be in her life unless she seeks help... and the pain is catching up..i try to talk my way thru it..but i cant forgive the things she has said and done to us thru this horrible journey..why i ask.. why.. why if you know your sick would you not get help..it was handed to her on a silver plate and she refused... now look.. back in jail and you have nobody... now what?
My heart goes out to you, as I was reading what you wrote I felt your pain, I have been there just not to that extent, it's heart breaking to CLOSE that door--I know. My prayers are with you,
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Old 08-22-2011, 08:46 PM
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Back in 2000, Oprah talked about eliminating toxic people/relationships in your life. It took me 5 more years to start doing it, abut I can tell you it was worth it. When/if your child becomes non-toxic, you can welcome the "new her" back with open arms, make sure your grandchild knows he pr she is always welcome and loved and that you will help in any way you can, but eliminate your daughter for now. I found this link for you, maybe it will help, love and hugs to you.

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Confront...-Relationships
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Old 08-22-2011, 09:01 PM
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Back in 2000, Oprah talked about eliminating toxic people/relationships in your life. It took me 5 more years to start doing it, abut I can tell you it was worth it. When/if your child becomes non-toxic, you can welcome the "new her" back with open arms, make sure your grandchild knows he pr she is always welcome and loved and that you will help in any way you can, but eliminate your daughter for now. I found this link for you, maybe it will help, love and hugs to you.

http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Confront...-Relationships

my grand daughter lives with us..we and the babys father take care of her..she goes back and forth weekly...
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Old 08-22-2011, 09:10 PM
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I'm not going to tell you my full story as an alcoholic but I will tell you I did somethings that I am not especially proud of. It took me hitting bottom with family and friends to make me see that I could not continue on that road if I wanted the people who really loved me to stay in my life. If someone (anyone) had stepped in to save me at that point in my life I would have used them and then turned around and spit them out. I had to prove to people (even my family) that I wasn't going to show up drunk, maybe peel out in their yard (run over their dog) and become violent.
It sounds like at this point you need to watch from a distance. Don't let your child take you down with them.
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Old 08-23-2011, 12:08 AM
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I got it from all sides, some have sobered up and others just keep on doing what their doing. If there was a pill to fix a cancer patient and the cancer patient refused, is that not their right? If she has the right to stay sick, you have the right to be yourself and stay sane.

This really bit## Mom, prayers for serenity, courage and wisdom comming your way!!!!
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Old 08-23-2011, 04:48 AM
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This is tough as you are a parent, who loves their child very much. Becuz of that love though, you are choosing to turn your back so she can see what she is doing to herself. She has to want the help, as no one can make her. Your not really turning your back, your helping her realize what she is doing. Many times ppl like this try to justify their actions for the reasons they do what they do. Trying to make us the BAD ppl. When there is no one left to blame, as everyone has "turned" they then have to look at theirself. No one likes to see theirself, no one wants to think they are wrong, its easier to blame others. This is not your fault, and in all reality, your doing her a very big favor, as now she will have to see herself and what she really stands for. Keep up the tough love, cuz in the end the rewards can be remarkable.
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Old 08-23-2011, 05:54 AM
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Jenny,

Your not turning your back on your daughter You are just needing to protect yourself and your family. Toxic people need boundaries....You are doing the right thing.
Set those boundaries and stick to them..You are a strong women and CAN do this.
Baby steps....
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Old 08-23-2011, 08:55 AM
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My heart is breaking for you right now. I believe it is the first time a post has brought tears to my eyes. As I have often said..it's the helplessness that is the worst part...knowing you can do nothing. It has been a process for you to get to this point, and you can only detach when you are ready. It appears that you are... Your story in many ways is similar to mine..so I can relate.
Use every single support system you can get and afford....
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Old 08-23-2011, 09:57 AM
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You are definately not turning your back on your daughter.You are staying away from someone who is behaving in a very scary way.It isn't just you as you stated in your post,others have had to have her leave due to her behaviour.Then for her to be asking for a firearm and associating with a 60 yr. old felon.I think you are protecting yourself.This is hard because as mothers we are used to protecting our children.That old saying "you can mess with the hen but don't go near the chicks".
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Old 08-23-2011, 06:09 PM
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BB has said it. do what you have to to protect yourself. its good that she is locked up prayers go oout for u
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