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Loving a Long-term Sentenced Offender For those whose loved one is serving 10+ years.

View Poll Results: Could you wait 20 years?
Anything for love 118 53.15%
We can just be friends until he comes home 23 10.36%
NO WAY 27 12.16%
Not sure 54 24.32%
Voters: 222. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1  
Old 08-26-2013, 11:58 PM
lesah0420 lesah0420 is offline
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Default Who can wait 20 years?

I reconnected with an ex boyfriend after many years. He had his sister track me down and continue to urge me to get back in touch. Our spark was never gone. We picked up right where we left off. Things are getting pretty heavy between the phone calls and letters. I am going to visit him in a couple of weeks and I know as soon as we embrace each other I am never gonna want to let him go! He is sentenced to 20 years, with 2 in. How could I possibly think of getting into a relationship again with him?
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Old 08-27-2013, 12:04 AM
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Hi lesah0420 and welcome to PTO. You've come to the right place for information and support. I've moved your thread here to the Loving a Long-term Sentenced Offender so that you may discuss this with our members whose loved ones will remain in prison for 10 or more years.
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Old 08-27-2013, 02:03 AM
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Hi, and welcome to PTO. My mate is doing 16 years, or thereabouts, and we are about 10 years in. For me, this is our relationship at the moment, its not us waiting for him to be released, it is what it is now. Things will change one day, but then everyone's lives have events which cause change, (whether good or bad) dont they.
If I thought that we were just treading water till he got out, then that would be like just passing the days till I win lotto. Life must be lived in the moment, and in the circumstances that that moment contains.

Do you want a relationship with this man who happens to be in jail?
If the 'in jail' part is more significant than the 'relationship with this man' bit, then consider seriously what you want . (I hope that makes sense)

Either way, I hope that you will find support among the members here and also that we will hear more from you :-)
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Old 08-27-2013, 06:02 AM
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My mate still has 20plus years. He has already been in for 12 yrs. We have been together for 3yrs. I am very happy with what we have and share but in time things may or may not change good or bad. We talked about the ride. If at any point I can't do this anymore he said he would understand . He says he did the crime not me. I have learned talking about every fear big or small and the what if with your mate can help you face what is to come. I love him and I plan to ride. I already have my family but now I have the one person who has ever made me feel truly happy and complete.
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Old 08-27-2013, 06:57 AM
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I said that I wasn't sure.
Honestly I don't know that I could do more than the few months he has left. During the last 15 months, I have been treated as I did a crime, not to mention all the troubles he has (not getting glasses & medical care, moved over 6 times since June)and years of doing this, I don't think I could handle it mentally. Going to see him, the things we have to go through, the money on the phone accounts, all letters, not having him here with me everyday, because I knew what that was like before he went in. Sometimes I feel l like I want to SNAP on the prison system. No cooling features, no hot water, mystery meat for food, they way the CO's talk to you. When things are not going right for him, I hear the stress in his voice and that bothers me deeply that there is pretty much nothing I can do for him. I have a girlfriend who is riding 20 years, with 12 in, and we talked about this just last week, I told her I don't know how she does it and that I give her and all the other ladies MAJOR PROPS for being able to handle all the craziness that goes into being with their man while he is in prison.

GOOD LUCK to all the ladies & may God bless your lives with pure happiness, as you deserve all of that and more for being able to ride with your men!
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Old 08-27-2013, 12:02 PM
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I don't usually come to the Long Term Offender Forum but your post caught my attention. I can barely imagine what 20 years would be like, but I would love to have only 20 years to wait. My honey and I are doing Life together.
I am not waiting for him to be released, my honey and I are sharing our lives with each other now. We do this through emails, letters, phone calls and yearly visits if I have the money for the trip (he is in another state). This is our life together.
You are asking the wrong question. What you need to ask yourself is "Can I handle being in a relationship where I only get to see him in a room full of other people? Your letters may be being read by a CO before being delivered, phone calls and emails may be being monitored. When the prison goes on lock down all visits are cancelled and the inmates are not allowed to make phone calls or send email. They can send and receive snail mail.
And when you don't think you can hang, imagine your life without him in it. If you can not imagine your life without him and the thought of him not being part of your life makes you cry, you will be able to do the time with him.
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Old 08-27-2013, 12:03 PM
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I have been at this for 15 years now and we have to wait another 18 months for a chance at parole. Not sure if he is going to make it or not. Hope so, but if he doesn't I have many, many more years left. In fact I probably will not be alive as I am a senior now. But I can only hope and that is why I am sticking it out. He is the best thing that ever happened to me.

Good luck to you. You can do anything you really want to do if your mind is focused on it.
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Old 08-27-2013, 01:03 PM
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its been8 years have 18 more to go if he doesn't get an early release something we all hope for but may not happen. I am happy to have found these posts. I do know that making this promise to stay means everything to him, I wont hurt him I cant hurt him. I cannot see myself without him even though all we have is visits, phone calls, emails and amazing letters. Honestly I try not to think about how old we will be when he get out I just try to get through the day to day craziness of missing him. I am so happy I found all of you guys.
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Old 08-27-2013, 08:08 PM
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I appreciate ur responses. He called today 5 times in a row! He kept saying he didn't want me to spend the money but I just could not let him go. I have decided that I cannot put a label on things between us. I also cannot stop my feelings for him. So as he says, he does not think of it as 20 years. He takes it one day at a time and tries to make the best out of each day. I can fully support him, be there for him and care about him. There has always been something special between us!
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Old 09-01-2013, 04:02 PM
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I answered yes.

For me it's simple. I can't change his sentence. I have two options. To be with him, or not to be with him. Because I want to be with him, rather than without him, staying by his side comes natural.
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Old 09-01-2013, 05:05 PM
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Can I do 20?

YEAP, it just goes by whether you want it to or not. I would do anything for 20 years.

Another lifer here, I'm on year...23.

If you dwell on the time you'll lose your mind and it won't matter.

It's not if you can do this with him, it's can you do without him.

Over the years, his shenanigans, DOC, the loneliness and straight needing him in so many ways I think that word had been redefined....I have questioned all this a time or two....and, I am always deduced to the same conclusion every time.

I still need him more than all that mentioned above.

This is how it has to be or it will never last. DOC has its own special kind of mental cruelty for the families, not just the prisoners. This is not for the faint of heart. It's hard, it's really, very hard and it never gets easier. I am used to the routine and I know a little better than brand new girls what to expect but I still have the dark days.

Oh, and...he has to have the power to make you WANT to stay.

If its real and you are strong enough to bend and you can hang when there doesn't seem to be a reason, you'll be fine....



.....and you won't need a label or title or legality.
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Old 09-19-2013, 09:50 AM
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My babe got 12 years but I’m lucky to be with him his last 3. He's now not a long term but Number8 said something really important and something I live by. I’m extremely happy NOW, I can’t suffer or let it take control of my feeling on what could or could not happen. Other than sex, I don’t feel I’m losing out on anything, He makes me so happy that I still get butterfly’s when I’m going to visit. My heart skips a beat went I see his call coming in. I told him one time I felt like a giggling teenager. He said there was nothing wrong with that and I said at 40 yes there is hehe.

But I take it day by day and if at the end things don’t work out I told him I know I would have a friend for life. Not even a relationship on the outside could you predict what can happen in 20 years. My friend was married with her childhood sweet heart for 22 years and surprised us last year when she told us she was getting divorce.
Being in a prison relationship is different; it has challenges but also has rewords. You’re already feeling the sparks, so you never know what can happen. I wish you the very best

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Old 09-19-2013, 11:15 AM
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Ditto to what the others have said..They hit the nail right on the head. My husband and I have done 12 already and have 12 to go...so...Its all a mind thing. Yes we mind but it doesn't matter. We know what is real and nobody pays our bills but me. Anybody elase that is negative is just hot air.
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Old 09-22-2013, 08:27 AM
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He's serving 25-life so yes I have decided that can do 20 years. I wasn't sure at first and we did lose contact for awhile. I compared every guy I dated in between to him and never stopped loving and missing him. When we got back together I made a decision that regardless of parole or what happens he is the guys for me. I'll wait as long as it takes - even if that ends up being forever. I try to take it day by day instead of thinking about how much time we have ahead of us and I focus on current milestones for something to look forward to. He was supposed to go to committee Friday (current milestone) so I'm waiting to hear if he's getting moved and we'll get phone calls. If it's right than you find ways to get through it
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Old 10-07-2013, 07:21 PM
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I met my ex back in 1987 we got married in 1988 and at that time we could get family visits so I got pregnant had our daughter in December 1990 well things didn't work out for us we got divorced in 1992. Well we are now talking about getting remarried. and he is doing a 25 to life been down now for 30 years. But over the years we have remained friends and I would visit him from time to time.
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Old 12-21-2013, 05:53 AM
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That is a hard one but you can not turn off feelings.

I waited 30 years for God to bring me my soulmate and I am 32. Physically we have had each other for the past 2 years. Mentally, emotionally, soulfully we have forever. I would wait for him until the day I take my last breath. He has loved me and cared for me like no other. He deserves my love. I could never be with another man again and feel the same way I just don't see it ever being possible.

My fiance faces LWOP or Death as it stands right now but it is still early. He is innocent and being framed/set up by an ex girlfriend who is a crack head. He will be extradited from PA to VA but he is going to fight extradition so It could take a long time before we even find out what he will end up being charged with or sentenced to however I believe he will be exonerated.

We have a long road ahead of us but I will never turn away from him.
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Old 12-22-2013, 04:02 PM
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Many women on here are doing the same and alot are even staying with lifers if you feel you can do it then keep coming here and you'll have SO much support to help get you through and letters, calls and visits of course
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Old 01-01-2014, 03:08 AM
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I told him that I wouldn't last 6 months. I'm going on 8 years out of 13. Love will make you do things you thought you'd NEVER do:-)

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Old 01-01-2014, 03:09 AM
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my man was sentenced to 15 to life. He's just completed his 16th year. For now this is our life. But our future is bright. And our love grows stronger. With each passing day the bond we share gets more and more unbreakeable....
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Old 01-17-2014, 09:24 PM
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We've debated this repeatedly because we both know that anything could happen and while he wouldn't ask me to stay with him or expect it he knows that it isn't his choice it's mine and I'd stay with him no matter what length of time he had even if he was on death row. It'd be hard, but he's worth it.
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Old 02-18-2014, 02:51 PM
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I don't know. I would think that I could but to me that is something I really have to think about deeply.
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Old 03-16-2014, 06:00 PM
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Hi Ladies! It's been 27 years for us. And I've been a part of his life since the start. All I can say is one day at a time. It's hasn't been easy by any means. However, it is possible. He is in the Feds so no such thing as parole. He will get his first taste of the outside world at the end of this year. He was only 23 when he started and he turns 50 this year. That's a lifetime of lock up. I used to be someone that said, I can't do this for 20 years and look, now, it's been 27 years and our love is stronger than ever. We've matured and learned a lot over the years. Our bond is unbreakable. God is the head of our relationship. He guides and gives us grace. And most of all, I've learned to never say never...
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Old 03-16-2014, 09:38 PM
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It's simple YES! He's got 18 to life and Not only did I make a promise to myself I'd wait for him I also made an promise to him that I wouldn't let him go.

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Old 03-16-2014, 11:16 PM
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Nope, not me. I wouldn't. i got much respect for those that do though! its been hard these past 5 yrs still got 3 more to go, couldn't imagine "rid'n " for 20!
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Old 03-19-2014, 07:55 PM
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LOL my hubbie has a flat bid of 20 years, we are more than half done. I am not sure I would get involved if we hadnt been married already when he was sentenced, but I would do it again with him for sure....
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