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Drug & Alcohol Treatment & Rehabilitation For those whose lives have been touched by addiction to drugs, alcohol or otherwise. For addicts and those who care about them.

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  #1  
Old 11-03-2018, 07:11 AM
sidewalker sidewalker is offline
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Default Son claims to be going to a rehab center

Supposedly going on the 12th of this month.
While I want it to be happening, Im not sure if he will actually go. (sorry in advance its so long but feel backround could help)



Bit of backround.
He used to live with me (he's now 37!!)
Things got so out of control (destroying the house, him throwing things at me) it was no longer safe for him to be here, and he finally left.
This was a few yrs ago.
Since then....he's had two children with two different women (both addicts at the time) One child was adopted out by the mom's family.
The other child, lives with his now sober mother and her parents.
I get to see him fairly regularly. My son has only seen his son right after he was born.
He wants to see him. He is in some sort of contact with the mom.
He is in no shape to see him (I feel)
So the mother of his son keeps telling him that he needs to get sober in order to see his son.
She texted me yesterday to ask if I'd spoken to him and said she was wondering if I had as he told her he was going to a rehab on the 12th.
its only a 30 day program (better than nothing I suppose)
I called her and said I hoped and prayed he would go. We discussed a few things. Primarily I asked if she might be willing to meet with us all at the park (by all I mean......me, her, the grandson and my ex and his lady)
That way my son could meet his again but it would be safer (public place) and we would be there to support her and the grandson if things got sketchy.
She said she would, but we both agree that my son needs longer rehab, and needs to be sober for a good long while before he should be allowed unsupervised visits.


So this is all a start. I dont even know if he is serious ( baby momma says my son does not think he needs rehab , so thats not good)


Only thing I did was first call my ex and let them know whats up.
And messaged my son saying.........I heard he was planning on going to a rehab and said I and his brother were happy to hear that, and told him to let me know if he needs a ride or help getting there.
I know he saw the message. No response.


Anyway...
Any thoughts? I wanted to add to my message to him, that I told my dad (my sons grandad) but I was really NOT going to unless he actually went. I thought that since he loves his grandad it might motivate him a bit to actually GO.
I did not do that. Just what I said above
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  #2  
Old 11-03-2018, 08:41 AM
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sw, ask yourself, "If he doesn't need rehab, why is he going?" What's his goal? Apparently it isn't to get clean because he doesn't have a problem, right? Just me being cynical, but I feel like there's a plan, an end goal, a lie, a manipulation.

Maybe its because of what I went through with my daughter, but damn she was such a look-you-straight-in-the-eye, quick on her feet kind of liar. Oh, he may intend to go to rehab, but only as a way to a means.

Sorry sw, but if he's an addict I'd have a very hard time believing anything that came out of his mouth. When my daughter got sick & tired of being sick & tired & living the life she didn't plan ahead, make an appointment or tell anyone. She simply disappeared & went. She's still clean 2 years later. Addicts can't plan that far in advance, it just doesn't seem to work that way, at least in my experience.
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Old 11-03-2018, 10:20 AM
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I'm like patchouli on this. If your son doesn't think he needs rehab, then why is he going? My first thought is that he doesn't want to do this for himself. He just wants to get to see his son. While that is a type of motivation to get sober, it is not the whole right reason to want to get sober. If he doesn't want to get straight for his own sake, I don't see any good coming from it. The first time life throws him a curve ball, it will be too easy for him to slip back, blaming life instead of taking a good hard look at himself.

I'd say be cautiously optimistic, but unless he's really sick and tired of being sick and tired, I wouldn't hold my breath.
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Old 11-03-2018, 11:45 AM
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I hate to say it but I'm with the others. My ex-husband was an alcoholic. I don't say "was" because he no longer is... I say "was" because that is what led to his death. He would say or do whatever it took to pacify me in the moment and the second things didn't turn out his way or I had caught on that he was hiding things, it would all go downhill and he would be revengeful. He made it sound like seeing his children were motivation to stop but would never seek professional help, but would pretend that he was considering it, again to pacify me or to lead me on.

As the others have said if he isn't going for himself, if he goes at all, then he's not going to get better. He has to want this for HIM. I fear that he has simply told your grandson's mother this just to garner a reaction from her or see if he can pull her in closer and pull the wool over her eyes. Does he know the relationship you have with the mother? I wonder if he did not respond because this was simply something he told her and never thought it would get back to others. Now he's pushed himself into a corner.
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Old 11-04-2018, 05:31 AM
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Well he did respond to my text.
And as usual, he is angry.
And its as I and most of you suspected he is ONLY doing it so he can see his son.


I just want to talk to him in person. I want to see if he can talk with me without being so effin angry. ALL THE TIME.
I suppose its a mute point anyway. He most likely wont stay at the place anyway if he even goes. And knowing him, he wont get anything out of it anyway cause......of COURSE he doesnt have a problem.


Oh well.
I was hoping he MIGHT get something out of it. Something positive I mean.



Its so sad. He is missing out on the best kid ever.


my son is in for a rude awakening. I totally side with the my grandson's mother on this.
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Old 11-04-2018, 05:42 AM
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I tend to doubt anyone, so when someone say's they don't need rehab then why bother going??? If you want to get clean then just Detoxing is really all you need to get on the right path. I have been through like 3 different rehabs and I honestly thought they were a lot of bullshit. When I wanted to quite using I did it on my own and I have be straight since. Not everyone can get clean on their own and stay that way. Rehab taught me a lot but mostly I just got hooked up with people who were even more screwed up then I was. Side you know the stats and you certainly know your son better then anyone!!! I know not everyone can stay clean with out a support system in place and maybe this is what he needs only time will tell.
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Old 11-04-2018, 05:58 AM
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I dont know what went wrong with this kid. I really dont.
I tried so hard with him. He was a very difficult child. ADHD, and add in some major health issues when young. (he inherited a blood disorder which eventually led to him having his gall bladder out at 13 and spleen at 15 )
Its not like he never got any attention either. All of his aunts, grandparents, doted on him. Everyone has tried to help him.
I doubt that alot of the anger is from drug use. He's always been an emotional firecracker. But the drug use does not help.
And get him to a shrink?
hahaha, forget that.


I just want to see if I can see ANYthing left of the boy I know is loving, and funny and sweet. I miss that kid alot.
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Old 11-04-2018, 06:08 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sidewalker View Post
I dont know what went wrong with this kid. I really dont.
I tried so hard with him. He was a very difficult child. ADHD, and add in some major health issues when young. (he inherited a blood disorder which eventually led to him having his gall bladder out at 13 and spleen at 15 )
Its not like he never got any attention either. All of his aunts, grandparents, doted on him. Everyone has tried to help him.
I doubt that alot of the anger is from drug use. He's always been an emotional firecracker. But the drug use does not help.
And get him to a shrink?
hahaha, forget that.


I just want to see if I can see ANYthing left of the boy I know is loving, and funny and sweet. I miss that kid alot.
Just out of curiosity is he on meth? I'm asking because a lot of meth users here where I am and everyone I've talked to were on some kind of meds as a kid. And it seems like everyone of my friends who has a kid on drugs the kid was ADHD.
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Old 11-04-2018, 06:32 AM
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Im not sure but suspect yes. (meth, crank whatever its called)

He never even wanted to take the meds for the adhd so we stopped using them anyway. The meds never really did much to curtail some of the hyperactivity/attention issues he had at school which was the whole reason for him being on them.


Ive heard that thought as well. (kids on adhd meds going to crank/meth/crack) later in life.
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Old 11-04-2018, 10:00 AM
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You're being wise to be suspicious and reach out for advise. In fact I suspect rather than advise you're looking for confirmation of what your gut is telling you.

You speak of facilitating him seeing, and presumably trying to start a relationship with his son. And you also speak of his history with drugs. First things first, his addiction problem is the bigger priority issue. When you stated he signed for a 30 day program my immediate reaction was no way is that adequate. You both thought he needed longer rehab and you are right. 30 days might be enough to medically clean him but will do nothing for his addictive mind.

Maybe you're thinking this get together will nudge him along to being serious about his sobriety. It might also sabotage him even going to the 30 day program. You have some control here and can exercise it. Pushing this group visit with his son out a few months until he's been programming and demonstrated he's remained clean for a while after might be a better approach for helping him. Based on your comments, he may get angry and that won't be pleasant. If it causes him to not go to the program that further confirms he's not ready and not serious.

My thoughts anyway.
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Old 11-04-2018, 11:12 AM
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A 30 day detox is ok, but only if followed by out patient treatment. The mind needs to be rewired so to speak, followed by behavior therapy, exploration of emotions, and decision making skills.

I hope he reaches out for support because alone is harder.
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Old 11-04-2018, 12:08 PM
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I'm by no means knowledgeable on all rehabs / schools of thought but.....In my experience the better rehabs, even if advertised as a 30 day program, do not put an end date on release. Each client / guest is viewed as an individual with differing needs & coping skills. Many of the sobriety tools given them may come in structured programs, but those programs are worked at the client's own pace. The main things (IMO) are the support from others that have been / are going through the same things; individual therapy that makes one take a long hard look at oneself and the underlying issues that contributed to the drug use; Brutal honesty, with oneself & others.

I also think 30 - 45 days rehab are plenty, provided that, once released, the person attends meetings; gets & utilizes a sponsor; stays away from those people, places & things that are triggers for them.
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Old 11-04-2018, 12:22 PM
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I suspect that he heard what he wanted to hear from the mother of his son meaning he heard her say he needed to seek treatment and ignored the issue that he needs to remain clean and sober following the treatment. I also suspect that even if he does go and by some off chance finishes the program he thinks he will walk into his son's life as if nothing has happened and when his child's mother reminds him that isn't how it's going to happen he will accuse her of changing the "rules," proclaim how he had done as she had insisted and likely focus most of his anger towards her.

This is where you sidewalker are probably going to have the biggest issue with him and will have to walk a fine line also. When you tell him you agree with the mother he will likely see that as a betrayal (it's not, but it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks) and will attempt to use this against you until which time he finally sees the light and can look back on this time of his life objectively. In the end I fear he will use all of it as more excuses to continue his current behavior.

Nothing will change until HE is ready to make those changes and take them seriously. Until then I think all involved with him should be cautious in their dealings with him as he will likely be even more unpredictable and possibly violent.
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Old 11-05-2018, 07:05 AM
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Girl you are correct. Walking the fine line. A very fine line.
Ive not seen my boy in something like 3 yrs or so.
We are like fire and water.


And no, I wouldnt tell him I side with my grandsons mother. At least not to his face.
If he wants to see his son, he needs to be sober. Thats the way the mom wants it, and the way it should be. She holds all the cards here.
So if she will let him see the baby in a public space, fine. Its up to her.
I just was curious if she would consider it.
I too thought it would be better if this was done after his round in rehab.


And I know if he's gonna go use there is nothing and no one who will stop him.And nothing done or not done will change that. Nothing said or not said either.
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