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mjwyogini · #1 02-28-2003, 04:54 AM

Hello all. Me again. You know, sometimes, I wish I didn't have a brain. Then I couldn't get into 'analysis paralysis"

I talk to my man every day on the phone, sometimes twice. I thank God for this, it has helped to nurture our relationship and the bonds to grow very deep.

Now this may seem silly, but I have to ask y'all.
What would you think about this-- a couple of times now, last night included, he said that he wanted to watch tv, instead of call me later again like he does most of the time. When I voiced protest saying that I wanted him to call later like he usually does, he said I'm making a big thing of it, and before he knew me, he watched some tv at night. He said something about that it's a way to 'do his time.' Now I understand that somewhat. But when I was doing time, I never had anyone like what we have now. Am I being silly in feeling a little hurt that he wanted to watch tv instead of call me again? Sometimes being in this situation, it is tough to see things straight. Which is why God blessed me with all of you, because so many of you give such good feedback and understanding.

Thank you for reading. Take care,

Marsha

Phil in Paris · #2 02-28-2003, 05:15 AM

Marsha

To be quite honest, I would be hurt too !!! Isn't it possible he makes both ? Calling you AND watch TV ?

lulu · #3 02-28-2003, 07:59 AM

I would be hurt as well. I am with Phil, what about both

mjwyogini · #4 02-28-2003, 08:14 AM

I guess I should mention that we talked four times yesterday before he said he was going to watch tv instead of call me later...when he said this once before he did call after his tv programs that he watches every week..when I mentioned that to my daughter, she said "well, that makes it a little different when you already talked for an hour" Am I just trying to make excuses or is that legitimate? You see, I know that there's this thing of how people do their time, and I don't how that is exactly for him, I'm not there dealing with the same things.....so that's just a little detail...

Marsha

emme · #5 02-28-2003, 08:16 AM

i don't know. i wouldn't like it. i can see where he is coming from, however. but i can see where you are coming from, too. is it really about this one tv incident, or is it possibly about more? if it's a one time thing, it might be best to just chalk it up, and move on. if you think it might be "more," then figure out exactly what the "more" is, and take it from there...

good luck!
emme

*mrsdragoness* · #6 02-28-2003, 08:19 AM

I don't go see my husband on Sundays anymore because of his job and activities. At first I was kind of hurt...but we talked about it and he got me to understand where he was coming from. He works midnights so he sleeps all morning...therefore a morning visit is out. He's lead singer in a band. Their call out is Sunday afternoons from 2-3:30....therefore an afternoon visit is out. Then he has the weight pit at 6:30...there goes an evening visit. These things are important to my hubby. He enjoys them and it makes the day fly by. I still get to see him....ususally twice a week.....just not on Sunday.

Look at it this way...you are lucky that you get to talk to him as much as you do. I wouldn't make "much" of a fuss over watching a TV show......after all....he knows darn well that he had better not call ME during a Hockey game!!!

Mrs. D

sherri13 · #7 02-28-2003, 08:28 AM

While I understand that you wanted to talk to him again and that it hurt you that he said he wanted to watch tv rather than call again, I think you might be taking this too personally. Maybe he just needed some time to "veg out' in front of the tv--we all do sometimes you know. Remember, when he talks with you he has to think about you being there and him being where he is, and fact that you cannot be together. In front of the tv, he can get lost in the show and get away from the realities of his situation for a while. I am certainly not trying to minimze your feelings. I am just trying to offer a different perspective on the situation.

mjwyogini · #8 02-28-2003, 09:03 AM

Thank you so much ...Emme, so what do you mean "more?" I always wonder that too, but then , I'm pretty paranoid anyway. This situation is ripe for it I guess. Ms.Dragon and Sherri..I thank you. I think you may be right. I cannot trust my own stupid feelings sometime, because I get so emotional and it's so HARD to deal with our separation. I wish I could veg out sometimes..I really do...I am not good at blanking things out, or doing that, this mind is always working overtime..all I can do is pray to God that he brings us through this.....
Marsha

mjwyogini · #9 02-28-2003, 09:10 AM

Oops P.S. to Sherri..you know, I think you hit the nail on the head...we have talked alot lately about how it hurts to feel so deeply for one another and the pain of separation is felt more profoundly when we, for instance, talk about intimacy having to do with sexual and passionate matters. He said the other day that he 'couldn't handle it' and wanted to change the subject...I do understand this. Sometimes the more intense things get, conversations, feelings, the more the absence is felt..especially on his part because he feels so helpless to do anything about it right now. I guess it also messes with a man's feeling of being a man, and I can understand that too, even thought I am not a man! :-)
Well, take care, and thanks...
Marsha

flygirlaa2 · #10 02-28-2003, 11:53 AM

Marsha, I know it hurt your feelings and you have every right to feel that way, but I dont think he was rejecting you per say. He probably just had run out of conversation. Us ladies can talk and talk and talk and never run out of things to say. Men tend to me a little different. Their communication skills are not as developed as ours. (Disclaimer: I was talking in generalities

), hang in there and keep your chin up.

mjwyogini · #11 02-28-2003, 12:01 PM

Thanks fly..you know I have thought of that very thing as well..I think you are right indeed...
Take care,
Marsha

*Ken* · #12 02-28-2003, 04:56 PM

I have discussed this type of situation with my Partner many times. Because of the cost of our calls we have a 'budget' of time on the phone. Basically it is 30 minutes a week. Any more than that and it is just too costly. Now I suggested after waiting for that ONE call a week that we break it into two calls of 15 minutes or 3 calls at 10 minutes.

Here is the basic response that I got... It was hard for me to understand at first but as time goes on and more discussion has taken place I DO understand and don't make an issue of it anymore...

My Partner feels that (for him) too much phone contact makes his time harder. He likes the one call a week because it gives him something to look forward to and does not take his focus from 'doing his time'. It lets him get on with his day 6 days a week and keeps him from pining for both me and freedom.

Now - also - in his situation he is locked down for approximately 20 hours a day. Three of the outs that he gets are for meals and they are really only enough time to get to the chow hall and back. The fourth out is when he usually does his business around the house with other Prisoners - so in a sense too many calls detract from his time to make money too.

He does not have a calendar for a similar reason - makes his time too difficult to do...

Basically the main reason for limiting to one call a week is to make HIS time easier.

This is my Partners explanation and I do accept it and have just learned to live with this and just don't fight it anymore.

I know that this will not be necessarily everyone's situation but this is ours.

I hope that this may shed some light on the situation?

mjwyogini · #13 02-28-2003, 06:00 PM

It's funny you say that Teb...and I do understand it really...he told me as much the same thing tonight..just a little while ago...and you know what? I remember how it was when I did time too. Although I wasn't in as long as he has been..if I really try to remember, I do remember...it's just that I don't want to remember most of the time. It is part of a nightmare of how I was living my life..
Now I feel so much better, and I thank you for that..I thank all of you for that..it helps....you know? to know that there are people who understand, TRULY understand...
With God's Love.....
Marsha