Ranting, Raving, & Crying

[SCLady]

I have been reading messages in this forum and I guess I am un-decided as to how I should feel about my husband.

Before he got his probation revoked, he stayed out late or didn't come home at all. Didn't spend time with our son, made me wonder every night where he was and who he was with.

Now that he is in jail, he tells me that it was all because of his drug addiction, and that when he gets out everything will be different.

Okay , first I guess I will believe it when I see it, the changes I mean.

Part of me wants to cry thinking , a year without my husband. I am lonely, I want him.

The other part wants to curse him and walk away, because I think, what if I wait this year alone with my son and when he gets out, he gets back on the drugs. Should I end it now?:argh

I am just a mess and feel pulled in all different directions.

Any advice? Has anyone else felt this way?

Help? :argh

[Budwoman]

Dearest Alone Together


Honey, I can see where you are comming from.... I really can.... There are no promises for us in this life. But, If you love this guy, then give him one more chance. There has to be something good about him or you would never have loved him to begin with and had his child...

Drugs do make a person do some very stupid things. The one thing he must do is get some treatment while he is in prison, and continue getting treatment when he gets out. Make him stick by this promise....

I would try to work things out. He just might become the man you really want him to be.

Good Luck Girl

Donna

[Valerie]

When in doubt don't do anything!( yet )

[lulu]

I agree with Donna. Drugs will make you do stupid and crazy crap. it is not something that they can help with out help. we cant promise that he will come out a diffrent person, but i do know that HE has to want it and nothing in this world will MAKE him give it up. It is not becuase he does not love his son, it is something that has taking control of him. It is a hard battle to fight. It is up to you if you want to stick by him to face this. Best wishes to you

[PRISONERSWIFE]

I agree with lulu drug addiction is a disease and addicts can't get help without help. There are many addicts I know on a personal basis and they all claim they will never trully stop until they are ready. All the rehabs meetings and support can't kick the habit unless they are willing to quit and make an attempt to stop. But i feel you should stick by your husband he needs you. Just keep in mind the vows you took....for better or worse in sickness and health until death do you part. His drug addiction has him sick this may seem like the worse but later it'll be greater. Also he will be your sons father until death every child deserves a father give him achance. The road less traveled is always the roughest.
Good Luck to him and support him in all he does you love him right?
I hope everything works out for the best and if u ever need to talk pm or email me.
A BIT OF ADVICE: Try prayer, sometimes when things seem rough and out of your control, when your back is against the wall PUT EVERYTHING IN GODS HANDS PRAY AND ASK FOR HIS GUIDANCE.

[Chevygal55]

Yes I agree with these woman. They have all gave you some pretty good advice. I only have one thing to say...when you get all this other stuff sorted out in your mind...then listen to and follow your heart. God speaks to us thru our hearts... I am a firm believer in the heart...

[KRIS_NC]

I AGREE WITH EVERYTHING THAT HAS BEEN SAID HERE..I PRAY EVERYTHING WORKS OUT FOR THE BEST..BUT KEEP IN MIND DRUGS DO MAKE THEM DO CRAZY THINGS

[Teardrop]

I was in the exact same position as you. When my husband was out he would stay out all night, didn't spend time with our son and made me wonder where he was while he was out doing his drugs. When he went to jail I had a choice to leave him or do what Prisonerswife said and remember my vows: For better or worst, through sickness and in health. I made the choice to stand by my husband, father of my son's, side. It was the best decision I have ever made. He is now in counseling and very serious, the man I have always wanted him to be. It is a very hard decision and I certainly know how you feel. Please feel free to PM me anytime, I am here to listen to you.

[jdswifey02]

I have to add one thing... yes I agree addiction is a disease.... but if you want to know if things will be different when he comes home, if I were you, I would look for what he is doing NOW, during his incarceration to MAKE things different... there is nothing magical about being taken out of the game for a minute.... unless he works to be a different person the day he walks out those doors, it is highly likely that he will go back to doing the same things.... has he looked into learning more about his addiction or starting treatment inside?!?
I would strongly encourage you to learn more about addiction and 12 step programs... if you don't know anything about it, he can tell you anything and it'll sound pretty good....
I wish you BOTH the best....

[Marie]

You've been given some great advice, I agree with everything that's been said. Just want you to know that you are in my thoughts and if you ever need to talk, pm me.

All my best
Marie

[PixieQueen]

I definetly agree with jdswifey. Just SAYING your gonna change, wont work, he's gotta be MAKING those changes now. I agree with everyone else too, that drugs make you crazy, but is he SINCERLEY ready to change? And like Becky said, also listen to your heart. You know him better than probably anyone in the world, so you have to decide off of that. Good luck! Your family will be in my prayers! Love-Helen

[ms scarlett]

Dear AloneTogether –

I became a member tonight because I so badly wanted to respond to your post. I am in a situation very similar to yours. I am not married to my love, but from the time we met until the time he was put in jail and then subsequently prison, he was out and about in his addiction. We went to church together and I told him I would be his friend, but nothing else because of the drugs.

Once he was put in jail I visited him and he asked me to write and continue visiting him. I said to him, “I’m willing to invest time and effort in you if you are. Do not ask me to come along for the ride if you’re not going to see this all the way through.”. I told him that I would have to SEE him making an effort to get off drugs or I was gone. Talk is cheap. Mind you we’ve had our bouts and it’s painful at times to watch him struggle to change, but what I learned is that I needed to set boundaries for myself. It may sound harsh, but it’s actually a very loving thing to do for both parties. It lets him know that I am valuable and worthy of a good relationship and life. It also lets him know that I want what is best for him (by getting clean).

My advice, take it or leave it, is to love him like you’ve never loved him before. I know at times that’s very hard, but it does calm the heart. I wrote a letter to my love telling him all of the wonderful qualities that I admire in him. You’d be amazed what that did. I work overtime to be his biggest fan and leave the changes in his behaviors to God. I believe that there is a time to confront, particularly when they are doing something that ultimately hurts them or are disrespectful to you and your feelings. However, again, I try to do it in love. Like…“When you write xxxx, I hear xxxxx and that makes me feel xxxx” It’s worked wonders for me. Saved a lot of fights too because you’re not attacking them only stating your feelings.

I am with the others that you have made a marriage covenant with God and your husband. You also have a wonderful son, the best in the world I’m sure. He will respect you for seeing you doing whatever it takes to support his father. You two could make it a game to figure out new and creative ways to let Dad know how much you both love him. What a blessing that would be to your husband.

I agree that drugs overtake a person and the person that you know and love no longer exists. My sweetie is 8 months clean. He’s is now the man that I could always see underneath the drugs. His behaviors have changed, his priorities and his emotions. It is nothing short of a miracle. I’m glad that I’ve stuck it out with him. It’s been very rewarding for both of us.

I wanted to share a fantastic resource that I found. It is a book called “The Power of a Praying Wife” by Stormie Omartian. The book is separated into 30 chapters, each covering a topic of your husband’s life. For instance, His Temptations, His Mind, His Fears, His Choices, etc. The idea is to pray over your husband every night on a different topic to cover the month. At the time I bought the book, I was so mad at him that I could hardly see straight, but once I started praying these prayers, my heart softened, my anxiety was released and I realized who was really running the show. Face it, who has unlimited visits?? Not us. I have been amazed at what God has done in his life since I started praying over him. The last letter I got from him made me cry tears of joy because of the changes I can see in his behavior. God is good !!

Sorry this is so long, but you really struck a chord with me. My best to you and I will include you and your family in my prayers this evening.

Scarlett

[deb]

I agree with everything the others have said and keep in mind "someone can talk the talk, but are they walking the walk?" What are his actions showing? Addicts or alcoholics can be full of lovely words....what are the actions TODAY? In the meantime, there is Al-Anon or Nar-Anon that you can attend. These meetings really help. They're for the families of addicts and alcoholics to learn, share, and support each other.....

Deb

[Lysbeth]

A second welcome to alonetogether & Scarlett both. I'm really glad the two of you have come to PTO. Scarlett, thank you for your wonderful post in response to alonetogether's post... when you said your man was now the man you could always see underneath the drugs, I just nodded my head right along with you...

alonetogether, I guess my question to you is whether your husband is in any kind of treatment program or gotten involved in any substance abuse support group yet while incarcerated? I hope so... that can make all the difference in the world.

My boyfriend Brian has multiple addictions and while alcohol is one of them, I wish they had Narcotics Anonymous in his facility as I think that might be better suited for him... however, I have no complaints at all about his AA involvement, since that's the only group available where he is.

Brian 14 years ago before he got locked up was about the biggest addict I've ever known (and I've known many). 13 years incarcerated has been an on and off struggle but he has been more successful than he has failed, and this latest period of recovery seems to have been the one that's finally taken. We still take things one day at a time and yeah, when he gets out, there's always that chance he will start using again. And he may never use again. That's the one thing where there are no guarantees. But I can definitely say that he is coming out (hopefully this year) of thirteen years of incarcerations with a stronger will to live and make addiction a permanent part of his past, and with the tools to make it happen. He's still an addict and always will be, but unlike years ago, he knows what he must do if he wants to stay clean and survive. For the first time in my life I am not really all that concerned that his addiction's going to get the best of him in the end.

So yes, people can definitely come out of the prison experience ready to start life clean and keep it so. I do hope there is some kind of substance abuse support program in his facility that he could make use of. Even that's not a guarantee, but it's a lot harder trying to beat this stuff all alone.

And I concur with everyone else who has suggested you might check out Nar-Anon or Al-Anon... Al-Anon has meetings just about everywhere but if there is not one close to where you are you might like to check out some of the online meetings that are available, if you would like me to point you towards some just PM me.

There are a couple of great things one learns in Al-Anon that have always stuck with me. The three C's - you didn't Cause it (their addiction), you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. And as someone kind of mentioned above - "Let go and let God". Sometimes you just gotta take care of yourself and let God (or whatever higher power you choose to believe in) take care of things.

It's OK and perfectly natural to worry and be concerned about your addict... I still do, just this week even has been one of those times to be a little more concerned than usual. But the most important thing of all is you've got to take care of yourself first - mostly for you and your son but also for your husband. Going to an Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meeting, or just even hanging out here at PTO, is one of the hundreds of ways you can help take care of yourself emotionally, mentally and spiritually. It really does work. Frankly I've found PTO to be the best place of all when it comes to support... not only are there plenty of folks around who have been where I have with loving an addict, but they understand dealing with the whole prison experience too (not always so well understood in other circles, y'know). So this place is like an oasis in the desert for me.

And just one more thing... the hardest thing I ever had to face, with both Brian's and my ex's addictions, was the fact that there is just absolutely nothing you or anyone can do if they don't want help, if they don't really want to stop drinking and/or using. When they finally REALLY wanted to stop and get clean and get help, only then did it finally happen. So far so good, both of them are well on their way to successful and much happier lives... even with Brian in prison, for the first time in his life he is actually making plans for his future and things are looking great. One day at a time as always, but it's really working this time.

And there's many others here at PTO besides me who have been down those same or similar roads you have with your husband... we're all basically in the same boat here, but especially those of us whose incarcerated loved ones are not only in prison but addicts as well, recovering and not. Trust me, there are lots of us here who have felt the same way you do now, plenty of times, sometimes still do. You are absolutely NOT alone.

Glad you're here... hang in there and take good care of yourself, and feel free to come to PTO and vent, cry, or whatever whenever... we're always here.

Lys

[Sunnie]

hello alone together,

I can understand your dillemna. I am in the same exact boat you are. David was sober for 6 months, got off parole, in August and relapsed in September. I threw him out, the first time he came home loaded, and within 2m onths he had picked up a new charge and has been back in jail since NOvember 15. I agree 100% with what jdswifey said...Make him prove to himself, and do the things now that might better his life..not wait for him to get out to begin the process of change...David has given me excuse after excuse, and it took me walking out on a visit, not accepting collect calls...and doing NOTHING for him to begin to change, and even then I am not going to believe 100% of it..until he gets out of jail, goes right to treatment, and works on his addiction. I go to alanon and nar-anon, plus I am and have been in recovery myself for 8 years in april...which this is the first time I have said this...in this group. I go to aa meetings, daily..I got sober the first time october 28th 1985, and stayed that way just over 8 years. drank a few years and finally put it down 1995. I have been active in AA for the last 18 years 19 in October..which is why I am so harsh when it comes to david, and his trying to put the wool over my eyes..YOu can't con a con. any way....don't make any changes if you don't know and aren't sure. find out as much about recovery as you can and join a support group. alcohol and drugs in me or in someone close to me can make me just as sick as the one who is actively using..which is why, I take relapses so seriously..not that a person can't learn from their mistake and find sobriety becuase I believe that once the seed gets planted it will never be the same..and David, feels the brunt of it. I can tell he is slowly changing, in his letters and in the monthly phone calls I allow. ( for now.)< i am trying to give him space to find himself.

Any way good luck and if you need to talk pm me.

Sunnie

[SCLady]

First , just let me say thanks to all of you from the bottom of my heart. I am so touched that so many of you care and offered advice. It really makes me feel not so alone anymore and I already feel at home at PTO. Thank you all for such a warm welcome and the heartfelt words.

I was told by the judge at Jerry's trial last Friday that due to budget cuts, there are no treatments or programs to get off drugs at the prisons. Is this true? I heard he was sent to Kirkland in Columbia for a thirty day evaluation, with no letters, no phone calls, and then he will be placed in a prison that has space available. So I guess I won't even know where he is for a month or so.

When I really think about it , I cannot see myself with anyone else or without Jerry in my life. I am 29 now and we have been together since we were 15. Married at 17, this year will be our 12 year anniversary. So needless to say, I have alot of time invested in this guy and I really don't want to give up.

I am so glad to have found you all. All I hear from my family,(most of them, anyway) is that I should just divorce him and get on with my life. They just can't understand that I do take my vows seriously and as a child of divorced parents, I know how much the seperation would hurt my son and affect his life. I have been there.

Here at PTO everyone seems so very supportive and most have already been in my shoes. I am so very grateful to have found a family here that understands.

Should I write to him and let him know my feelings? I don't want to upset him, I just feel like he needs to know that I love him, but also how badly I have been hurt.

Thanks again everyone, I am very proud to call you family!

[ms scarlett]

If it is true that they've cut treatment out of the budget that is a real tragedy. Surely they have AA and NA meetings in these places though. They don't cost the state 10 cents. He can get and stay sober through AA even if there is no official treatment program. My dad is living proof. He has been sober since 1981.

Bottom line is that it's going to be up to him to decide how serious he is. If he is serious, he will seek out every possible resource on his own within the system. With my "Rhett" I was very tempted at first to want to get in there and fix things for him, but realized that this is his deal. He has to decide how he wants to live his life. He needs to make the effort necessary to get clean or it won't mean anything to him. My job is to support him emotionally and encourage him as much as I can. You know what they say, you never really appreciate what you don't have to work for. If he works hard, his recovery will mean too much to him to give up. Unfortunately like every has said, if he's not serious, you really can't do a thing for him.

Scarlett

[emme]

alone, i'm glad you've gotten so much great advice. i can't add much except for a big hug...which, i hope, helps...

all the best,
emme