Is it love or abuse? Please read!

[juliacuteone]

Yes, I agree on the drinking/drug use and abusing thing too..

How I look at it, when they use that excuse and you accept that excuse or use it for him is not the way to go.
First you are giving him and helping him have an Excuse..
Second, look at all the other thousands/ if not millions of other guys that use and drink, yet they don't hit.... Abuse is from within, not because of substances... Please work on believing this...

[LeBeau]

Love doesn't leave bruises. Love doesn't make you live in fear of your beloved. Love doesn't make you walk on eggshells and choose your words carefully to avoid conflict.
Love carries some fears, but those fears are the icy terror of hearing an ambulance when he's already an hour late or the thought of not being there anymore when you narrowly avoid a bad accident.
Love makes you afraid of losing your partner, it does not make you afraid of your partner.
As someone said earlier "Love don't hit"

[Valentina]

It's abuse. There is NO other answer. It doesn't matter how long you knew him. No one should EVER do that to you and he may eventually kill you. Please stay away from him. My husband is in prison for murder and in 25 years has never hit me or threatened me or hurt me in any way (well, except getting busted for murder!) Please, as a mother I am begging you to get away from this guy. Please go now.

[QUEENDRURY]

i am sorry for all the heartache you are feeling.i understand where you are coming from.i went through the same thing with my fiancee.he was jealous,selfish.he let me do things -as long as i acted right.i thought that he was out of my league-he thought the same of me-and tht he could never be serious about me.how wrong i was.he became selfish when it came to me.i did a few times manipulate his thoughts so that i could see how he really felt about me.or to let him see that i could get someone else.after that first time of showing him that i thought the guy up the street was cute i learned that he wouldn't tolerate me playing with his feelings.the 5 years that we were together-before lockup-we went through some things.we fought,argued,brokeup,madeup.by our fifth year together i knew that we were meant to be together.what i didn't know was that the times i made him think i was scoping someone else made him doubtful of me.when we fought i really was scared.i love him and i know that he loves me too.one night when he came home i was only standing outside our door with a girl neighbor.he wanted me to come in the house and i wouldn't.he beat me up-the police came-i had to go to the hospital for stitches-he went to his uncles house-the next day my neighbor told me that he was in jail.an elderly lady was sodomized and the neighbors said that he was out that morning.anyway after that my friends and family told me over and over that he would've hurt me.i know we fought(i hurt him a couple of times to get him off of me)but i believe he is innocent in this charge.in all our years together he never threatened me with a weapon.really all he had to do was look at me and i would know how he felt.i just feel like they were already against us and when this happened they wrote him off as a criminal.we both were doing drugs and drinking alot.i was the cause of all our fights.i know that.i can understand why they werre concerned but why would they judge him as guilty for hurting that woman?i cut most of my friends off-they act like i never did any wrong.okay,we fought.but that doesn't mean that he DID those things that happened to that lady.i will never ever manipulate his love for me.i've always been a little insecure and how i handled it is i made no qualms about letting my man know that there are more fish in the sea.i hurt me.i hurt him.i hurt us.i can't help feeling that i am the reason all of this happened.some may say that he is abusive-i don't think he would have ever fought on me if i just had faith in him-in us.after all of this i want us to go to counseling when he comes home.after he went to jail i was still using and i told him that i did things buti never told him what.now he says he's tired of me giving him the run around and he wants to know EVERY detail ABOUT EVERYTHING.he says that it doesn't matter what i did but he needs to know.i'm not afraid that he'll hurt me physically-but i worry that he is gonna keep me within his eyesight AT ALL TIMES.i don't care cuz that's where i want to be.as long as the fighting is stopped then i will be with him.i don't drink anymore and he hasn't since he's been incarcerated.i am two years sober from my drug choice-he is 3 years sober from drugs and alcohol.what do yall think?dantesgurl?do you think that we are both wishing for something we should leave alone?i need clarification too.

[ARadvocate]

All I can tell you is that the prison enviroment does nothing to correct deviant behavior, it only makes it worse. Is he sober only cuz hes locked up. Youre former relationship was abusive and it still will be when he gets out. If you want to make a go of it, he needs to parole elsewhere, get help and prove himself. Good Luck
"We teach people how to treat us."

[ocpyropunk]

i was with someone recently who was using meth, and although he was NOT physically abusive, he was moody, controlling, crazy jealous, angry about things that should not have even ruffled his calm, and sneaky as hell. After I kicked him out of my house, i found my e-mail password written down (so he could read my e-mails), he used to sneak around to my backyard and i'd find him outside my bedroom door, listening to see if i was talking on the phone and to whom, he also used to wait til i was asleep and check all the phone numbers and listen to my voice mails in my cell phone, and he made phone calls to an ex-boyfriend who i was still friends with, using fake voices so he wouldn't know who it was, oh, and he accused me of trying to hook-up with his best friend... and of course, at the same time he was doing this, he himself was seeing another woman... and like everyone says, you cannot even just blame the meth. his sister told me he'd always been crazy jealous of anyone he was with... that was enough for me; like i said, i made him move out. and luckily for me, the cops in my city were watching him for other reasons, so anytime he came to my house, the cops would just drop by, and he'd have to run. and he and his other girlfriend got arrested for drugs, so he's out of the way for awhile. I am so sorry about your friend and for her daughter and the rest of her family... what a sad, sad, sad story.