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HIS · #1 08-22-2005, 06:35 PM

Last week I read several comments from one of you about "keeping an eye" on your man. If you feel you need to keep an eye on him, then perhaps he isn't the right one for you. There needs to be more trust than that in a relationship or you are headed for big trouble.

**Patty** · #2 08-22-2005, 07:18 PM

You make a valid point but not everyone is the same and no two relationships are the same. Often unresolved issues from one's past make trust more difficult than it might be for others. There are also people who just generally mistrust. I'm not saying it's right, wrong, good or bad but one of the great things about PTO is its diverse membership. Respecting everyone's differences is just as important as celebrating that which we share in common.

Thinkin' Outloud,
Patty

JohnBrandi4life · #3 08-22-2005, 08:07 PM

I agree with you HOTLATINA. My husband and I have a really good relationship, but sometimes i worry about him and tend to check on him, just to make me feel better. I have been with my husband for 8 years, and there is no one else for me!!!!!!!

denverswife · #4 08-22-2005, 08:53 PM

Girl, I can only say that you must not be involved with an addict! No one can stop him if he wants to use, but I'd at least like to have some idea of whats going on so I can prepare myself! I tried all that trust stuff but it just doesn't fly with an addict. When he's using, he's not the right man for anyone, but I love him enough to stand strong when he can't.

HIS · #5 08-22-2005, 08:54 PM

Well, it was not my intent to step on toes, but to help this gal ( who was very indecisive and not really in this relationship) to think about what she might be getting herself into. I can understand both of your replies and I know I have had plenty of reason to not trust, but it came from someone other than the man I am involved with now. If he were to show me I couldn't trust him, I would be backing away and giving it plenty of time and scrutiny, but then I am not yet married to the man. Personally, I can't give myself to someone I can't trust, anymore. Been there, done that. Not to say, it can't still happen, but I am watching for signs, believe me. I would just encourage you all to try to work through whatever makes you feel the way you do when it comes to trust. It's a difficult situation to be in when you can't trust. I am simply saying to think twice before getting into a situation where there isn't trust. This fellow was a repeat offender and a distance away from her and she was asking if she should drop out of school ( she was almost done) and go to live by him to " keep an eye on him ". We all have a right to our opinions, but I think many would agree that isn't the best way to try to start a relationship or keep one going that doesn't seem to have much going in the first place. For me, I don't want to " keep an eye " on him. Time will tell if he isn't truthful and there is no way one person can control another, anyway. I say, when there is proof, then decide how to handle it. You should have some idea, ahead of time, what your boundaries are. So, sorry if you took offense. None was intended. Thanks for your feedback.

HIS · #6 08-22-2005, 09:03 PM

Dear Denverswife,

God bless you for going where others fear to tread. I know it can't be easy. I know what it's like to love like that, but some times, we have to love ourselves a little more and know when it's doing us more harm than good. I have ended up physically ill from all the drama of the past. I thought I was handling it, but obviously, my body thought otherwise. You hang in there and do what's right for you. I'd be the last to tell you what you should do. I can only tell you what I have learned. My "addict" was addicted to sex. I stayed for over 10 years, but it was getting too risky for me healthwise, if you get my drift. The second decided his alcohol addiction was more important than me, so he left. He did for me what I couldn't do for myself. So, knowing I am attracted to addictive type personalities, I choose not to go there any more. Like I said, I have a choice as I am not married at this point. Had he not left, I might still be in that relationship as I take a commitment very seriously.

Jamiesheart · #7 08-23-2005, 08:13 AM

Jamie's not an addict, so I don't know what you are going through Denverswife. But I do know that Jamie's sister told me that she wrote him a letter and told him that she would keep an eye out for me while he was away. I was completely infuriated. I wrote Jamie and told him that if he felt like that then he must not be able to trust me and we could never make this work like that. He wrote me back and said that he told her she wouldn't have to do that. Jamie and I have complete trust in each other. We know that we are meant to be and that's all there is to it.

coolchik4sure · #8 08-23-2005, 08:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by HIS

Personally, I can't give myself to someone I can't trust, anymore. Been there, done that. Not to say, it can't still happen, but I am watching for signs, believe me.
For me, I don't want to " keep an eye " on him. Time will tell if he isn't truthful and there is no way one person can control another, anyway. I say, when there is proof, then decide how to handle it.

I don't think your original post gave enough information.

I agree, I would never have a relationship in which I felt I had to "watch him" 24/7. Keeping an eye out for red flags is different than not trusting him.

HIS · #9 08-23-2005, 02:08 PM

Here is a good thought.........if you walk down a sidewalk and fall in a hole, look up, and wonder what you are doing there, manage to climb out, but continue to walk down the same sidewalk and fall in the same hole, still wondering why you are in there...........then perhaps you should try walking down another sidewalk.

In others words, take possession of your actions and don't repeat those that make you hurt. "I feel the pain , only when I hurt. " If you don't want to feel the pain, don't do whatever it is that makes you hurt. Learn something from life's lessons.

HIS · #10 08-23-2005, 02:15 PM

I agree watching for red flags is different than keeping an eye on him. This young lady was repeatingly mentioning feeling the need to "keep an eye on him" and no one mentioned that was a red flag and that she might want to look at what she was saying and wonder why she might want that in her life. I mean she wanted to move to where he was "to keep an eye on him". PLEEEEEEEase Ladies......Don't do that to yourselves. I remember doing some of that in my first marriage, when he was always with another woman. Too much pain, for sure. I only stayed as long as I did because I thought the church said I had to.......you know, for better or worse? Well, when I finally realized, I didn't have to put up with that, and that I was only being co-dependent staying there, then I left. He didn't stop doing it right away, but I didn't have to hurt any longer.

stilvng_u · #11 08-23-2005, 02:22 PM

His ....you make a good point about the holes in a side walk. Yeah people do fall in but also falling in those holes would make you more cocious of where you are stepping. Instead of walking with your eyes up, you would be more apt to WATCH YOUR STEP. I think that is what women talk about when they say keep an eye on there men. If you start walking with your head up you may fall in a hole and hurt yourself. Instead of going that route and risk seriously injuring themselves they are the ones to watch there step until the ground that they are walking on prooves to be safe. My view is that just as a relationship takes time to grow, so does trust. It is something like love NOT JUST GIVEN BUT EARNED, through time and cultivation.........just my views on the whole trust issue

lilithinwaiting · #12 08-23-2005, 06:50 PM

I will not watch him, I am not his keeper nor his mother , but I do understand how women who have been in relationships with addicts feel that they must watch out for them. It is a hard place to be and I would not want to be in it. I just feel people will do what ever they want and that is on them.

JohnBrandi4life · #13 08-23-2005, 09:09 PM

i didn't know that this post was about addicts....my husband is not, but i still check on him just to make sure he is okay if i don't recieve a letter or something. maybe the post wasn't very clear....sometimes i don't read every single thread.....~~~Brandi

HIS · #14 08-24-2005, 12:03 AM

This thread didn't start out about addicts. It evolved there. Sorry, but you didn't miss anything.

mrs c · #15 08-25-2005, 08:27 AM

Although i agree (and wish i was one of those secure women!) are you saying that the women here need to trust their men??? they are ALL in prison so for most of us at some point weve had it rubbed in our faces that our guys do stuff they shouldnt!!!

Texxie · #16 08-25-2005, 08:54 AM

LOL! Excellent point, MrsC!

Quote:

Girl, I can only say that you must not be involved with an addict! No one can stop him if he wants to use, but I'd at least like to have some idea of whats going on so I can prepare myself! I tried all that trust stuff but it just doesn't fly with an addict. When he's using, he's not the right man for anyone, but I love him enough to stand strong when he can't.

Denver'sWife, thank you for your comment! My sweetie is an addict too and sometimes I feel so alone, like I'm the only one who hangs in there and believes in him. It was nice to see there's someone else out there who thinks like me!

lilithinwaiting · #17 08-26-2005, 02:42 PM

I am not that secure , I just am not going to babysit him, whether the issue is drugs or just getting back into trouble, other women or what it may be. I am weary of that type of life.

one_luv · #18 08-26-2005, 02:54 PM

I have to agree that a lot of men are in prison because they are dishonest and not trustworthy!!!!!! Trust comes with time. After my husband went to prison, I admit the first couple of years, I had my doubts, because I had a boyfirend prior to him where everything he was and did was a total lie. My husband and I talked about this because by him going to prison, he violated my trust in him. But now I am happy to say that we no longer have trust issues. For the first time in my entire life, I have a man whom I trust 100%, well, okay, maybe 99%, just because I know his nature. But it took me paying attention to his every move, and me testing him, to be able to have what we do today.

HIs- If you have advice you want to give to a particular member, it might be more effective if you PM them. Just a thought, because some people are more responsive to a personal message than a public one.