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PRISONERuvLOVE · #76 10-03-2005, 06:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sunnie

It's a good thing to have a plan and not to go into this without one. I admire the fact that you are setting up things on a permanent basis so that when you do make your move, it will stick. It took a lot of courage to share your story, thank you for doing so.

There are pleanty of shelters in state and out of state that you can look into going to.
http://www.ndvh.org/help/index.html

The first step would be to call and speak with someone about getting a safety plan together and come up with a game plan. There are ways to go into hiding where you will never be found regardless of his affiliations and ties. The other first step is being willing to let go of the "past" life and decide you are worth so much more then what you are getting. Its not easy and it takes a lot of work and decisions but like you said, one of these days you will die behind this.

Your story touched me so much. I think you will find that there are a lot of us who have been down similar roads and remember you are NOT alone and never ever have to be again.

http://www.sccbw.org/

Sunnie,
Thanks again for your words of encouragement. You know I dont feel like I am a victim of his because I chose to be with him no matter what he did to me. Mostly out of fear but some of it was still out of love. I still have love for him, for the person he used to be before the drugs. I can and have made excuses for him and his behaviours most of our relationship. You see I felt bad for him because he is so institutionalized, that he doesnt know any better. He just knows how to survive in the prison system not out here on the streets. He had a brain anneurism the time before last while he was in prison. He was lifting to heavy of weights. Like 360 lbs or something and a blood vessel popped in his brain and he almost died. He had to learn how to eat and talk all over again. So I felt guilty and sad for him for that too. And tried to be in denial that perhaps that is why he did the things that he did to me. I fooled myself into thinking that perhaps because of the brain anneurism and the drugs mixed together along with whatever hell he had wwent through in the prison system for those two decades that is what made him do me the way he did me. But I can no longer make excuses for him. It is what it is. Right? I have no more compassion for him. He is a sick man and I dont see him ever getting better. I can not fix him like I thought that I once could. I am probably not making any sense here. Its just that I have so many different mixed emotions when it comes to him and that whole period of my life. So sometimes I ramble on and dont really realize if I am making any sense so please forgive me.
Anyways, Thanks for giving me the link to the shelters and stuff. And thank youfor your words of encouragement and support. I really appreciate it.
Kim

PRISONERuvLOVE · #77 10-03-2005, 07:02 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by TATSBABY

Prisoner: WOW !!
I thought I had it bad, I guess it is true what they say. "look around there is someone who always has it worst off than you do" My heart and prayers go out to you and your children and your family. I do understand, why you do they things you do. Looking back, I think that I did things just so he wouldnt get pissed off at me, although it seems that I could never do anything right..
I am getting better day by day.. And I refuse to let him take over my life. I know my story is NOTHING compared to your and some others on here. But I refuse to give him my life.. I am taking it back!!! Carefully...
I dont judge you for what you are doing at all. BUT PLEASE MAKE YOUR BREAK AND DO IT BEFORE IT IS TO LATE.. YOU CAN GET AWAY IF YOU TRULY WANT TOO... 12 years may seem like a long time, but its not .. SO PLEASE DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO FOR YOU..
I dont feel like that my X will be like yours, hes to busy doing his street thing and getting high.. He will tell you that he loves to get high and that he loves the streets.. Not that I dont believe that he could do me harm, I just know that he likes doing that more, I take nothing for granted.. please keep me posted as to how you are doing.. and I will be praying for you. Thank you for sharing, it makes me more aware of how crazy the drug world is and makes me know that I dont want to be around it anymore ever.....
Do what you have to do, but dont forget about you in the mean time..
As for me, I had a good weekend, I went and cleaned my home during the day. And I am preparing to go home soon.. My son is doing well and when he asks about his Daddy , I just say he is sick and that I dont know if he will get better, my little boy wasnt home when all this was going on, Thank God!!!
But he has heard is Daddy scream at me, and his Daddy was mean to him at times by raising his voice, so for now he is ok with his Daddy not being at home. And I will find the time to let him know that the Daddy he once knew is no longer.. I pray that I havent done him ( my son damage) by allowing this addict into our lives once again...
I know that I will be ok, I just feel that God has his hands on me and my son and my family and our home... Dont ask me how, I just believe that with everything in me, I believe that...
Thanks for the support to everyone and to everyone else who is living in danger and harm... love you more than you love your abuser....

love Tina

Tina,
Thank you for your words of encouragement and understanding my position. Yes it is true no matter how bad you think that you have it there is always somebody out there who has it worse off than you. That is a scary thought and reality, huh? I hope that things will work out for you and for your son. It is so hard when there is kids that are involved. You see before I sent my kids to go live with their father my kids were around him and his craziness too. And I hope that they arent permanently affected by what they saw and went through. I didnt know about what he was doing to them unti after him and I both got busted this time around. I mean I know that they heard all the yelling and screaming that he did at me and me crying all the time and telling him to stop hitting me but he never once hit the boys. But in my eyes he did alot worse to them then to hit them. I knew nothing fo this until about 5 months ago. They actually never told me themselves instead they told my mother. When Brian would take the boys out to shoot their BB Gun out in the desert he apparently made his own little bullseye target thingie for the boys to practice on. And on that target that he had made he had pasted a photo of me on it. He would tell them to shoot their mommy. When they would refuse he would scream at them and demand that they shoot their mommy in the head and kill the B---h! They would cry and refuse to do it and he would scream obscenities at them for not obeying his orders. That in itself caused me the most pain of all. They were definitely terrified of this monster. But I was to blind to see that. I was so afraid of him and in fear for our lifes I thought that they were safe around him because he never touched them but he mentally abused my children. And that is the worse type of abuse there is. Because when it comes to physical abuse the wounds heal and the scars fade away but when it comes to mental abuse that never completely heals no matter what. The memory is always going to be there. Right now they live in California and they live close to where he is at in the federal prison system and they are so scared to even live close by the prison for which he is in. So they have nightmares and have a hard time sleeping. It is a sad thing and it really breakss my heart. I just can pray for them and do whatever I can do to help them heal and recover. It is going to take time I know that and I have to have patience but boy I will always feel guilty for putting them in that situation even if I didnt know that it was going on. You know what I mean?
Thank you for feeling my pain and I truly hope that you are right about your husband not causing you anymore problems. i will be praying for you and please be careful. You just never know what a person is capable of when they are abusing drugs and especially when they are hard up for their next high.
Love,
Kim

PRISONERuvLOVE · #78 10-03-2005, 07:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by RMD4EVER

prisoner Again God Bless You Girl I Want You To Know I Am So Sorry For You Or Anyone That Has To Live This Way I Pray For Your Happiness And For Your Road To Have A Peace Of Mind Once And For All I Hate That You Have To Live In Fear And Always Looking Over Your Shoulder And Not Being Nor Feeling Safe In Your Own Home ((((((((hugs)))))))) To You And Your Children You Deserve A Life Of Peace And Happiness

RMD4EVER
Thank you for your compassion! I am on my way to recovering from what I went through. It is going to be a long hard road but I am a strong woman and I know that I will survive and be okay. It will just take time. I know that we all deserve a peaceful life with lots of love and happiness. I am just learning to start to love myself again. I know that I am a good person on the inside and that I have alot to offer to a person and to the world I live in. And I aint bad looking neither and I am very smart educationally wise at least. I just havent made the right decision when it comes to choosing the man in my life. I am staying single for now. I am not ready for another man in my life as I really dont trust them right now. And even more than that I dont trust my own self when it comes to choosing a man for myself. Because boy was I fooled when it came to this monster. But a fool I am no more. I've got my eyes wide open and my ears on. I dont like to pass judgement on others but I definitely need to learn how to pick a much better and non violent type of man if I am to have a man in my life again. If not for myself but for my childrens sake. God Bless You and Your family.
love
Kim

Diane93635 · #79 10-03-2005, 11:21 PM

Wow....my heart goes out to you....the past few weeks have been such a roller coaster. You definetly have a lot of love for this man...someday he will see that. Not to be defending him at all...but...losing one of your parents is very hard. My Mom passed away almost 2 years ago now. The pain is still very strong. I'm not surprised that Tat used the night his Father died...but it doesn't make it any easier. You've just got to take care of you and your son. You can't help someone who doesn't want to help himself...just know you did more than anyone can imagine for this man. Now it's time to help yourself...you sound like such a strong woman. I admire your strength. Hang in there girl...and pm me anytime...

TZT4$ure4Life · #80 10-04-2005, 06:54 AM

Hello to all:
Just wanted to let you all know that I am doing ok as is my son.
I havent heard from Tat and I really dont expect too. Which is a blessing, its hard for me to blieve that I loved him that much and now I feel nothing. It amazes me how in just a short month and a half that drugs and himself can destory something that was once so wonderful.. I feel like the last 2 yrs of my life have been a lie..
But once again, I will not beat myself up over this.. ( I think he did that for me)
I plan on going home tonight and staying in MY HOME. My son and myself have been displaced long enough. I refuse to give into Tat another day.
I didnt get any calls at work yesterday and I honestly dont think I will today either or anyother day for that matter. Maybe some of you think I am being to laid back on this but I know, what I know and I think that everything will be
ok.. I have prayed and prayed and placed angels all around my home, my son, my self, my loved ones, and my world.. I truly believe God will see me through this..
During all this and the chances that Tat was given, the first heart attack, the second one, leaving on the streets, using, you name it, I thought that God was trying to give him a wake up call and then last night it came to me..
As if some voice in my head was telling me....
Tina its your wake up call... take your life back.. I give you life...
Please hear my call.. and you know what I did...
I believe that God was giving me the wake up call and not Tat...
Tat is where he wants to be and that is sad, but I cant cry anymore and I cant hurt anymore.. I dont have time...
I have a life to live and a child to raise..
And I know that I will love again.. only this time
BIGGER AND BETTER AND IT WILL BE A REAL LOVE NOT SOME
PRISON LOVE FOR SOME ADDICT THAT DOESNT GIVE A DAMN..
I am sorry if that sounds rude or crude but its the way I feel, I will always have a place for the Sweet Tat that I use to go and visit but not for the one that walked out of the gates on that Aug 20 day 2005.. my Tat is gone..

I pray that all who have never spent time with the person they are seeing or in love with. Will please becareful.. I knew of Tat before he went in, and then he saved my life... PLEAE he tried to take my life..
I just warn all the women and men to be careful when it comes to an inmate esp. if you have never known them on the streets...

much love and blessing to you all
and thanks for the support...
love and prayers
Tina

PRISONERuvLOVE · #81 10-04-2005, 12:19 PM

GOOD LUCK! I WISH YOU AND YOUR SON THE BEST AND I WILL BE PRAYING FOR YOUR SAFETY IN YOUR HOME. GIRL I AM HOPING THAT YOU WILL BE VERY CAREFUL! AS YOU KNOW I HAVE GONE THROUGH HELL THESE PAST FEW YEARS MYSELF AND I DONT KNOW IF I WILL EVER TRULY BE SAFE FROM HIM EVEN WHEN HE IS LOCKED UP! SO PLEASE JUST KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN AND DONT TAKE THE PEACE AND CALMNESS FOR GRANTED BECASUE YOU CAN NEVER PUT ANYTHING PAST A PERSON WHO IS IN ACTIVE ADDICTION OF DRUGS AND ALCOHOL.
MY WARMEST REGARDS TO YOU AND YOUR SON,
PRISONERuvLOVE
KIM

TZT4$ure4Life · #82 10-04-2005, 12:54 PM

Prisoner,
I know that I must be careful.. Trust me, I take nothing for granted. I know
the only thing is I know that he doesnt want to go back to jail or prison andhis best friend is not going to let him come near me. And I have protection if I have to use it, I will.. I know what you are saying to me as does everyone else and it probley will be a restless night for me, but I will be home and thats what I want..
Take care...

Tina

PRISONERuvLOVE · #83 10-04-2005, 01:16 PM

Take Care To Tina! I Really Do Wish You The Best And I Am Glad That You Are At Home Where You And Your Son Belong!

RMD4EVER · #84 10-04-2005, 01:28 PM

tina You Know Im A Phone Call Away You Be Careful And Stay Safe For Your Son But I Am Glad That You Are Taking Your Life Back Into Your Hands And Not Allowing Tat To Control You With Fear Just Be Extra Careful While Doing So And Dont Take Anything For Granted Dont Let Your Guard Down To Fast Just Be Aware At All Times Im Here For You When You Need Me And When You Dont Prisoner You Have To Do Something And Fast For Your Sake And Peace Of Mind You Need And Deserve Your Life Back Get The Help You Need To Start This Process Dont Feel Sorry For Him Any Longer You Come First As Do Your Children They Deserve Their Mom Back Stay Safe And Focused God Bless !!!!!! Sometimes Blessings Are Un Answered Prayers

Brent's Mom · #85 10-04-2005, 01:57 PM

I'm so sorry for you and I know how you hurt. To live with an addict is to live in hell. My beloved sister was an addict since she was 15yrs old. She married and had four boys and did drugs the whole time. She ended up marring three diffrent times and each one was worse than the last. Well Jan 3rd of this year she died of a overdose. How many times we fought over this is to many to count. It did no good as she always continued to do them evan after she promised she wouldn't. Well now she's gone and we all miss her so much but that was the life she choice to live. It makes me so mad

as it could of been so diffrent. You hang in there and be strong. Do for yourself as he is the onley one who can change if he so desires. But he has to do it for himself or it will never work. God Bless you and your son and I will keep all of you in my prayers!!

TZT4$ure4Life · #86 10-04-2005, 02:38 PM

BBS MOM,
I am so sorry for the lost of your sister. That is my fear for Tat , he is been told that he cant use again or he will die.. I am sure he doesnt have long to live. Which is a sad thing, cause like yourself I think things could have been so different...
But I also know that he has to want to change... and I cant be the one to do that for him.. I think that he does want to change but, he doesnt know how or the will just isnt there. I have seen it at times, but that is very few and far between.. Truth is he loves the streets and he loves the drugs ..
As for me, if they did come tell me he was dead perhaps in a small way it would be a blessing.. I know you dont understand that and it may sound cruel but its the way I feel.. I am way over the hurt and the crying..
Now I want to live and be done with the Tat that I now know...
Thank you for your PM and again I am so sorry for the lost of your sister.
Hopefully she is at peace within herself now...

PRISONERuvLOVE · #87 10-04-2005, 03:58 PM

I realize that I need to do something for myself and for that of my boys and that is what I am in the process of doing. It just takes a little bit of time. I know that he is a dangerous man and I am done with him and it is over with between us that is a fact but it will take me a little of time to make sure that I am able to get away from him without him causing me any harm or any harm to my kids or other family members. So until thenI have to do what I have to do to make him think that everything is kind of cool between us. You know what I mean. But thanks for your words of support and encouragement I truly appreciate it.
Kim

PRISONERuvLOVE · #88 10-04-2005, 03:59 PM

I am sorry for the loss of your sister.

TZT4$ure4Life · #89 10-06-2005, 12:19 PM

Just wanted to update you on ME!!!
yes me, not Tat but ME!!!
I have spent 2 nights in my home, very sleepless but 2 nights none the less.
I have not heard from him, nor do I care too...
He is where he wants to be, he is an addict and there is no money in this world, no words that I can say, no love that I can give that will ever ever change that, unless he wants to... and is willing too.
I use to think, that my love and our son was enough.. I have learned so different and it took a beating for me to see this.. and know this..
It will be along time before I can forget this and the last month and a half since he came out of prison.. I wish that I could forget the last 2 yrs of my life.. but I cant.. I can however learn and learn that I am not God I have no special gifts that will make him or anyone else want to change. Even God can only do so much if a person is not willing to change and do what it takes to fight..
I am learning everyday that what he does and what he did is not my fault and I pray those of you that have loved ones that are addicts come to know
this too..
We all our given choices in our lifes.. its up to us.. even the addicts have a choice...
As for me and my son we are getting stronger everyday and we are living our lifes as we did before.. to me he is gone away, dead, back in prison, not here.
My son, asks about him and I tell him that his "Daddy is sick and may never come back to see him" Thats a hard thing to tell a 5 yr old..but its the truth.
Something we all should seek....

much love and blessings
Tina

PRISONERuvLOVE · #90 10-06-2005, 10:21 PM

Tina,
I Just Wanted To Tell You That I Am Proud Of You And I Only Hope That I Can Be As Strong As You, In My Journey To Completely Break Things Off With The Monster In My Life. You Are Truly An Inspiration To Me And I Just Wanted To Let You Know That. Take Care And Keep Up With The Updates. I Really Look Forward To Hearing How Your Doing. Every Night I Continue To Pray For Myself And Also For You And All The Other People In The World That Are Suffering.
Best Wishes To You And Your Son.
Sincerely,
Kimberly

TZT4$ure4Life · #91 10-07-2005, 05:23 AM

Prisoner: You touched me with your post... To know that some good has come out of this for someone else and that I give someone else the want to do better for themselves, just over takes me....
I am trying very hard to stay strong.. somedays I miss "THE TAT" that I know.. And as soon, as those thoughts come to mind..I rememeber the horrible person that I saw that day, he beat me.. and I am past that. I cant think about the good times, that makes me very weak.. I think of all the hurt and how my son and I do not deserve any of it.. I am still scared and I still watch everything and everyone around me.. but I am doing it!!!
And I know that you can to, IF moving to another state is what you have to do then do it.. You seem like such a wonderful person and you and your boys deserve more than the life you have lived.. I understand everything that you have posted on here and like most I do know why you do what you do.. But I also know that you have to make that break sooner or later.. Do what is good for you now..
I plan on keeping up with the posts and letting everyone know how I am doing.. Today is a new day and for today ...
I am doing great .... I am truly blessed..
Thank you for your support and I pray that you will find your path and make yourself happy.. Hey you could always come to Sunny Florida !!! (smile)
Take care and God Bless you and your loved ones
For everyone else...
Much Blessings and love

Tina

PRISONERuvLOVE · #92 10-07-2005, 10:03 AM

TatsBaby,
Thank you for your words of encouragement once again. ANd to be honest with you I love Sunny Florida but I will just probably go there to visit here and there. Keep being strong and dont let nobody get you down. You seem to be a great mother and you seem to have your head on straight. Don't ever let him pull you back into his life. You deserve much better than that. We all do.

Nodoubt2185 · #93 10-08-2005, 10:05 AM

I know how you feel sometimes addicts just cant answer why they do such things, thats why its a disease. I pray for you though and hope you find the answers you are searching for.

TZT4$ure4Life · #94 10-10-2005, 01:57 PM

Thanks Nodoubt.. it is a disease.. but one that can be treated if one wants the help. My hubby doesnt..
Just wanted to let everyone know that I made it through the weekend and everything was ok. I went to court today for my restraining order and they still cant find him to serve him. But the judge granted me more time, which is a good thing. I went to my sons football game this weekend and even though they lost 1 to 3 he was the only one that got a touch down so I was quite proud of him... (He plays Pee wee flag) we are getting ready for his birthday.. and halloween he was born on the 30th and we always have his birthday on halloween.. so we are busy with that.
He doesnt ask much about his father, and if he does I just say he is sick and may not be back for a long time. I am having a hard time wondering if he ever loved us at all. My life seems like a lie, I dont know how he can live with himself (TAT) I heard that he is living with another woman? And I believe it,
another victim I guess.. I feel sorry for her. But I dont worry about it at all...
I am getting better everyday...
just wanted to let you all know, thanks for all your support and prayers
I still need them...

much love and blessing
Tina

KAINZ · #95 10-10-2005, 02:06 PM

Hey Girl Glad To Hear All Is Good With you and Your Son I Keep You In My Prays And That Living With Another Woman You Know The Saiyng "bird Of A Feather Flock" Together Dont Feel Sorry For Them Its All About you and yours Trisha

PRISONERuvLOVE · #96 10-11-2005, 01:58 AM

Hey Tina, Don't let that crap about him living with another woman get to you! You and your son are better off without him now that he is a totally different person than what he was when you two originally had gotten together. Good luck with the restraining order and the court thingy! I pray for you every night and for your son! Things are going good for me right now. I have 98 days clean and serene. and I also get off of House Arrest in one more day! I am really looking forward to that. My life is about to start! A better life! My oldest son is also moving back in with me in one more day which is the same day that I get off of House Arrest! I am truly excited! It's been a long six months of this House Arrest crap and being in jail! Things are finally starting to look up for me and my kids! There is a saying that we say in NA and I would like to share it with you! SO here goes "Don't give up before the Miracle Happens!" I wish you the best and keep us posted and I will do the same!
Sincerely,
Kim

TZT4$ure4Life · #97 10-11-2005, 05:16 AM

Prisoner::
Congrats!!!! I think that is wonderful!!!!! You go girl!!!
I know that you are so excitted, heck I am excitted for you!!!
Thank you for sharing that saying.. I am waiting on my mircale and I wont give up till I get it, even if I got to make it for myself..
Good luck and keep up the good work, and if you ever get to Fla. look me up!
I will keep everyone posted..

KAINZ:I know what you are saying, still hurts but not as bad as it did, in the beginning.. I know that it is over, just feel really stupid somedays, but then again.. I loved and thats nothing to feel stupid about, it is he that screwed everything up...not me... even though he says it was all my fault, I have learned though that an addict doesnt except their wrongs, untill they are in recovery.. so be it.. I will survive......
I got your number and will call you ....

Much love and blessing to everyone..

love Tina

TZT4$ure4Life · #98 10-13-2005, 02:24 PM

TZT4$ure4Life · #99 10-13-2005, 02:36 PM

Just an update...
I just wanted to let everyone know how I am doing.. This week has been rough but I am making it thourgh it..
Yesterday, I checked my mail and there was a bill in there from the carrier of my cell phone service, so I opened it, not looking at whom it was for.
Well it was Tats new cell phone and there was the number, I still havent figured out why he had it sent to my home, because he got it on the first of Oct and he hasnt lived at my home since the middle of Sept..
I think it was so I would have the number, but any how I was shocked to see his number and hurt and angry and you name it , I felt it..
well of course, I called it, after I blocked my new number from him being able to see it.. I know some of you may not understand that, but I had to hear his voice, not to know that he was ok.. but to know that I made the right choices..
And yes , he answered and no I didnt say a word, just listened to him talk like he was so street wise and cuzz because I wasnt saying a word...
I felt sad, and I wanted to scream at him and ask him WHY!!! but I didnt
I just remembered the day he hit me, the day I pulled from those drug houses and I know that he is right back in those nasty things with those nasty people and I hung up..
That was all it took for me to know that I made the right choices .. I will miss him and I do love him but I love the person that I know, and he is long gone..
I did cry myself to sleep last night and that hurt alot.. somedays I feel like I will never find someone to truly love me and I feel like there is something wrong with me.. but I know that its not me, now if I will find someone to love me well I dont know about that one.. I have a lot of healing to do and I hurt but I will be ok.. I know this...
My son is doing good.. he was brushing his teeth this morning and saw his Daddys tooth brush and he wanted to know if his Daddy needed his tooth brush? I told him I didnt know. He asked me was he still sick and I told him yes..And he got this sad look on his face and he asks me would I ever leave him like his Daddy and I told him no.. That even though his Daddy isnt here he still loves him very much..he smiled and said I hope Daddy bought him another tooth brush.. and I hope he gets better someday.. and then he wrapped his little arms around my neck and told me he loved me and he then gave me a hug and then he gave me one for his Daddy.. I fought back the tears ... and wondered why in the hell all this had to happen???

Much love and blessing
Tina

nimuay · #**100** 10-13-2005, 04:33 PM

Hi Tina - you're doing your grieving - how could you not? But it's fading a little, and will keep on going, until you only see it in the rearview mirror. And then it will just be gone - promise.

Meanwhile - you're doing great. Keep it up!

Hugs