Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

bluehorsebeach · #**101** 10-13-2005, 10:15 PM

Hi Tina! and everyone else too!
Just wanted to say that nimuay is so right. There are so many stages that you go through and sometimes it's one step forward and two steps back but it doesn't matter because once you know that you're walking away then you just keep on going...

TZT4$ure4Life · #**102** 10-17-2005, 02:48 PM

Hello everyone...
I am doing so much better, I had a really good weekend, I went out to eat with my whole family and I know now how much they love me and missed me and was only worried about me..
I still havent heard from him, dont want too.. but I do have his new cell # seems he made sure the bill came to my home, even though he got the cell after he left.. he had the bill sent to my home, I am sure it was so I would have it.. Dont worry.. I havent used it and dont want to or intent too.. What I do, do is when I get that feeling sorry for myself feelings, which arent coming to offend anymore... I block out my cell number and call his number and listen to his drugged up !@#$ and know that I am so much better off without him... sounds strange but it has worked..
I am getting stronger by the minute...
Thank you all for your support and love

Much love and blessings
Tina

witchlinblue · #**103** 10-17-2005, 03:13 PM

Well you are doing the right thing and we are all very proud of you. You will get threw this and be a better person for it. We will all try to keep the support going so you know you will always have this place to lean on and to help you stay strong.
Hugs,

texas_girl · #**104** 10-17-2005, 10:22 PM

I can deffintly relate to this. I have never dealt with drugs until I met my fiance. We moved to Californa to start our lives over. But, he met some people who had what he like. He hide it away from me for three weeks, until someone came to me(the person he got it from) and told me. I was sooooo angry and hurt. I asked him about it and he put it on his dead grandma's grave he didn't do it. I didn't know what or who to believe, but I knew the girl who told me sounded so sorry and insencre. He finally told me the truth(after i drill it in him) He said he wanted to take it to his grave before telling me. I would have never thought, my rickey would lie to me, not to mention do drugs. To make a long story short, he did it agian to me, lied about it, but told the truth at the end. Someone even told me they saw him walking with the biggest crack addict in LA. but he told me he happen to walking beside her trying to rush to me. anyways he's back in prison for violating his parole. I don't understand what goes on in the minds of an addict. He has been clean for some time now(before he got loc up) I don't consider him an addict. He's told me how he use to sell his belongings before we met.
Anyways i'n inlove. But i know how you feel!

TZT4$ure4Life · #**105** 10-18-2005, 11:59 AM

Thanks for all the PM's and the post.. I am making it one day at a time..
It is hard but I am doing it..
Still nothing from Tat and I dont know if he is alive or dead, but like I said I dont care... I can call that # and listen to him and that is enough for me to know that I dont want to ever be there again..
will he ever get help? I dont know, but I know I have to worry about me and my son now. As I see it, he was given uncondional love from me and our son and God .. perhaps God wont give up on him but I have and so has his son..
Thats pretty sad...

RMD4EVER · #**106** 10-18-2005, 02:01 PM

hey Tina Whats Up Girl? Hows It Feel To Be Un Co Dependant? If You Call And Listen To Him Tina Then You Know Hes Alive Lol You Know Im Just Messing With My Girl Im So Happy For You That Your Life Is Now Back In Your Hands You Have Stayed Strong And Focused Im So Proud And Happy For You That You Took Your Life And Got Back In Control Of It For You And My Lil Man BECAUSE Me And Him Are Gonna Throw NOBALLS At You When He Comes To See Aunt Sheila In Chicago Lol You Keep The Faith And Read That Book When Your Feeling Down And You Will Always Find The Strength You Need No Matter What The Situation Might Be Loveeeeeeee You And My Lil Man Later Tina Sheila

TZT4$ure4Life · #**107** 10-18-2005, 02:28 PM

I love you Sheila Mae!!!!!!!!

RMD4EVER · #**108** 10-19-2005, 02:46 PM

i Love You Too Tina Marie

annap · #**109** 10-19-2005, 03:55 PM

Hello "TATBABY NOMORE" so so proud of you. you got your head on straight now!!LOOK OUT!!! shee's baaack. One foot in front of the other just keep on stepin. and don't look back.Its "Tina's World" now. Go and get it girl. My prayers are with you I am so excited for you. God has many blessing for you ahead. Sincerly ANNA

1dayatatime · #**110** 10-19-2005, 07:54 PM

Tats,
Stay strong!! Trust me, there are gonna be good days and bad days. YOU gotta remember those bad days. You may try journaling---starting in the past, Reread past stores often.

Give your son a big hug from PTO!

ONE

lilithinwaiting · #**111** 10-19-2005, 08:55 PM

you are an inspiration to me and I know you can do it. We are so lucky to have such a strong support group here.

TZT4$ure4Life · #**112** 10-20-2005, 05:56 AM

Hello everyone!!!
I just wanted to let you know how things were doing in my life...
I packed the rest of his things and left them on my porch for his sister to come by and get. Funny thing was she called and asked me "To please give his clothes back that his dear father had bought and the ones she bought"
I dont have any of them!!! All I had was some shorts and a tank top which I bought and I gave to my brother, seems to me, I had that right. I was so mad!!!
So I told his sister, out of no disrespect to you or his dead father but what about my cell phones he took (2) and the jwelery and the car and how about while we are at it 2 yrs of my life and my sons life??
I had to control myself so much on that phone with her and her hubby.. But I also let her know that he is like he is because all these years his whole family has enabled him to do as he pleases and they believe everything out of his mouth.. And that even though, she knows what he is she still takes up for him.Yes that is her brother but when do you start letting a 40 yr old man be responsible for his life?
I put the stuff out there and it was like ok last chapter, last page, done....
and the strange thing is today is Sept 20.... 2 months to the dated that it all started when he came home on Aug 20...
I do believe that..................that my friends is a very good sign.......
Oh just wanted you all to know ...
I have a date this friday..........
He is a wonderful man, I know it may be too soon for it, but I think I need it..
It was hard for me to say yes because of everything, but then I thought why not?? Hes so nice and so much not like any man I have known before and hes
13 yrs younger than me but seems like hes 13 yrs old.. hey if Demi can do it so can I!!!!

love me
Tina

P.S
Shelia thanks for listening to me girl... I am getting stronger and learning to do what that book says... I love you

witchlinblue · #**113** 10-20-2005, 12:56 PM

It will make you feel good to have a man appreciate you. Go on your date and have a blast. You only have to do what you feel comfortable with and you are getting on with your life, congratulations.
p.s. make sure he is not an addict !!!!

TZT4$ure4Life · #**114** 10-26-2005, 07:58 AM

Just to let you all know..
That I am doing just fine. I still have my hard days and my good days, but I am moving on with my life. I am learning to take it one day at a time..
I have talked to Tat and I pray that he is taking care of himself,but I know now that its his problem not mine.
I didnt go on that date, But I did go and have dinner this past sunday with
my childhood sweet heart.. We dated when we were in school and even lost a child when we were 16... a son.. so we get together ever now and then, around this time, cause Our son would have been born in Oct..
I had a wonderful time and we talked about what had went on with Tat and I
and my friend told me, that I was a very special person and that I deserved so much more. He made me feel speical and even though we arent together now and havent been in almost 30 yrs .. we still are very good friends..
and I remembered what it was like to have a real love in your life..
Hope that makes sense to everyone...
I am planning on writing a book not about Tat and I, but about my friend and our realtionship... I think that people will like it..
may never get published but will be for me and a few good friends that I have..
Take care to you all and many blessing

I think this will be my last post in on this..
cause I am moving on....

love
Tina

User9999 · #**115** 10-26-2005, 09:05 AM

Tina,
Congrats to you! I have been following your posts and although i haven't responded much you have been in my thoughts and prayers. You are such a strong woman and I'm happy for you that you have re-found your friend. It's always nice to have good friends right? I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your son but I am sure he is looking over you and is very very proud of the woman that you are.
Again Big ups to you and live happily for you and your Son.

TZT4$ure4Life · #**116** 10-26-2005, 10:30 AM

Thank you.. that is why we get together ... do celebrate our son...
we know that he is an angel in heaven..
hard to believe that I would have had a 27 yr old son..
but life goes on and there are reasons for everything under the sun...

bluehorsebeach · #**117** 10-27-2005, 08:49 PM

Wow! What an impact you made on those who picked up on this thread.

You set a tone for so many people that simply put forward the pain and heartache that drugs create in our lives. It seemed so simple, posting your feelings, yet you turned out to be an inspiration to many.

I have more to say Tina but have suddenly been called back to motherhood so hold that thought. Many love you and hold you dear.

TZT4$ure4Life · #**118** 10-28-2005, 10:45 AM

Blue horse you are way to much!!!!
So is everyone on this forum, I love you all...
Its not eazy by any means and sometimes I am not that strong.
But I do the best I can do.. Today I went to my sons Halloween party at his
school.. and I thought I hope and pray by the time these little ones grow up to be young men and women that someone has made a difference in their lives and that they dont go down the wrong road.. My son handed me a
paper saying that he had chose to be drug free.. ( the dare program)
and he said " Mommy, I dont wanna ever do drugs, because the drugs took my good Daddy away from you and me, and left us with a bad Daddy and now we have no Daddy. So I dont wanna ever do drugs, drugs make you sad Mommy and I dont want you to be sad,ever again." I smiled and told him I loved him, and that even though his Daddy is sick, he loves him the best he can. And he looked at me and said" yea Mommy, I know but he loves drugs more than us, I dont wanna ever love something more than I love you"
Out of the mouth of babes, is all I can say..

TAKE CARE AND GODS BLESSING TO YOU ALL
I LOVE YOU ALL
Tina

sherry_wine · #**119** 11-04-2005, 11:03 PM

Tatsbaby wow, I am sitting here and I read all tihs. You have been through alot, and I hope you stay strong. I left my drugged out ex while my kids were still young, so it never got that far. But I told my kids not to hate their father, and to always pray for him because he was sick. And now its ten years later, and he too has had two heart attacks. From what I understand he is clean and sober, but that doesn't matter to me. Cause I moved on a long time ago. I can say my kids are drug free, and don't plan on doing drugs. It hasn't been an easy road, but I made it. And I know you will too. PM me anytime, I'll be there for you. And at first my daughter said not to reply to you, because you're moving on and you don't need to be in this thread no more. But you're such a strong person that I think you should keep people updated, so that maybe your strength and testimony will help somebody else's life. And save a child from seeing their parent abused. Take care. <3 And love to all the women who have been through so much.

TZT4$ure4Life · #**120** 11-10-2005, 01:25 PM

Sherry,
Thanks for the post.. I havent been here in a while.. cause I am moving on..
but I wanted to come back and let everyone know how things are going..
I am doing fine, having my good days and my bad days..
My son just had his 6th birthday and Tat sent some money to me through his sister so that he would have a good birthday.. ( or so his sister said) any ways it was most helpful.. Tat did call the day before his birthday this was the 29th of Oct he called.. My sons birthday was on the 30th.. when he called he asked to speak to my son, and I let him.. my son misses his Daddy very much.. I refer to him as my son, cause I dont feel that Tat deserves to be called Daddy any longer.. you cant be a part time Dad... esp when you are out of prison and on the streets.. in fact he was a better Dad when he was in prison... My son asked him why he wasnt coming to his party and Tat told him cause I wouldnt let him..my son hung up and started crying and screaming at me.. I was very upset.. because after everything that has happened I have not onced said one bad thing about Tat to my son.. I had to finally sit my son down and explain to him just how sick his Dad was, drugs and all.. I think he understood even at 6 because at school they had just went through the drug program D>A>R>E... and he learned alot..
So then after that Tat called back and wanted to know if he could come and get my son on Sunday and spend the afternoon with him.. I told him I would meet him as long as he wasnt high.. He wanted no part in that, said he didnt want to see me cause I called the cops on him.. I asked him what was I suppose to do, when he was beating me and holding me against my will.. you know he swears he doenst remember this.. I wonder.. anyways that was the last that we heard from him.. his phone is shut off and I dont really want to call his sister and asked her anything.. Lord knows she has been through enough too.. My son and I pray for Tat everynight.. and I wont sit here and tell you that it has been eazy cause it hasnt .. but I refuse to live that life or let my son..
There are days when I am ok and there are days I miss the Tat that I knew so much.. I even miss the dang visits to the prison.. writing the letters, all of it.. but I pray for a much better life for me and my son and know that I have that now.. and that it will get better..
I want to start dating again, but I am scared and dont know if I trust any man be he in prison or out..
so for now I am doing ok and healing and learning that I did all I could do and that it was the best I could do and that Tat made his on choices..
My son said it best...
"Mommy, Daddy loves his drugs more than he loves us,, he didnt even try"
and my son is right he didnt... but I know that I did..
Tat will face his demons some day some way and some how..
I only pray that its not in death, which is what I feel will happen sooner or later..

take care and God bless each of you and your loved ones
thanks for all the support

love Tina

witchlinblue · #**121** 11-10-2005, 01:59 PM

Tina, I really admire you strength and sticking to your guns not to mention getting your priorities straight. That can be so hard to do sometimes when faced with stuff like this. Please come back when you can and let us know how things are improving.
Your son and yourself are in my prayers and so is Tat, he will need them. Its in his hands and Gods hands now and you will have to start enjoying your new life. You dont need to rush out dating, get to know your happy self again and feel comfortable with it. Though a bit of attention from a well meaning admirer never harms a lady but take things slow.

big hugs and belated happy birthday to your son

sherry_wine · #**122** 11-16-2005, 01:59 AM

Hello
just a little wave to show you love
and again thank-you for sharing
sorry that you had and others who will go through the pain that drugs put one in, Take care
love and support to all
:love:

TZT4$ure4Life · #**123** 11-18-2005, 02:57 PM

Hello everyone just me with another update....
My son and I are doing well, healing everyday..
My son won 2 trophys last week at his football brunch..
He got an award for playing and then he got the MVP award..
was I ever happy ...
But of course my son was wondering why is Daddy wasnt there..
once again I just told him he was sick and left it at that..
I took pictures and he wants to send his Daddy one, I guess that I will send them to Tats sister since I dont have a clue as to where to send them!!!
His best friend that tried her best to help him, get clean called me and said she was sorry, when I asked her for what.. she said I can only imagine the hell he put you through.. seems he has turned on her after all these years
18 to be exact and has and still is weaving a web of self destruction..
hes using daily.. she cant stand to see him kill himself and he and her got into it when she tried to interven.. she cant do anything now and she knows this..
she said she heard on the streets that he is carrying guns, selling dope,stealing and shooting about about 40 cc a day sometimes 2 to 3 times a day.. Ice mixed with herion.. God help is soul is all and say and pray and pray.. I know that is meds run out in the middle of next month and I know he doesnt have a clue as to how to get them. But then I stop and think..
" Tina there is nothing you can do about it, he has to help himself and if hes not willing , there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it" And then I pray God please help me the day they come and tell me he is dead.. what will I say to my son.. I also pray that before he dies God sends him back to jail and prison. so that he doesnt have to die on the streets..
I do believe that he has a death wish now more than ever..
His best friend said the last time they talked .. he told her that he honestly loved me and that little boy more than anything in this world, and that he wish he wasnt so sick in his mind and his body and such an addict that he could have lived the life that he had.. that he knew he had hurt me so very much and yet still I have concern for him ( and I do) that I was truley is Angel from God and that he would never love another like he loved me..
I dont know what to say...

much love and blessings
Tina

TZT4$ure4Life · #**124** 11-29-2005, 06:19 AM

Hello to everyone..
I hope all had a wonderful and blessed Thanksgiving. As for myself and my son, we did!!
Not to say that it wasnt hard but it was a blessed one.
Now its hard to believe that this month is almost over with..
As always, I got my once a month phone call from Tat. I knew, I would sooner or later. He called, to tell me that he loved me and Zac very much and that he was so sorry that he couldnt be the person that he wanted to be or the person that we needed him to be. He told me, I deserved so much more than what he had been able to give me. I listen and I cried but I knew what he was saying was so right. And it was very hard..
I asked about his meds for his heart, I know that he is down to about 2 wks worth. He said he really didnt care, and that he prayed everyday that God would take him and that he wouldnt burn in hell. He said he has lost and hurt the most important people in his life and that he really didnt care. He wanted to die. I tried to talk to him, but then I reliazed that there is nothing I can say or do for him, it is up to him. I told him to please take care of himself the best way he could.
I do believe that he meant everything that he said to me, and I now know that he loved me the best he could and that he does love me and ZAC.
BUT.. I also know that there is help out there for him, if he chooses to take it.
I dont know the reason behind his call. I didnt offer any help and I wont!!
I love him with all my heart and soul. but its time to love me and my son and that is what I am doing.. Its hard but I believe GOD HAS GOOD THINGS IN STORE FOR ME ..
I pray every night that God puts Tat back into jail. I dont want him to die on the streets.. I think the pain,hurt, and love for him and what could have been will be with me along time, but I will someday put it where it needs to be.
It is just so sad for me that he has that much pain that he doesnt care about himself..
Try being where I am it is not easy, but I cant and wont get pulled back in.
I looked back on things and I have to say that this Thanksgiving ......
I am thankful that I had Tat in my life to love and to be able to say,
That perhaps he felt love for once in his life, and that I loved like I have never been able to love before.. For that I am thankful...
Please keep him in your prayers.. and pray that he finds his way from the dark. Or that he goes back to jail and even prison.. you all may not understand that, but it would be best for him.
Thank you all for being there for me and showing me the support that you have..
For my friends at PTO I am most thankful...

much love and blessings
Tina
__________________
I'm moving on.......
I'v dealt with my ghosts and faced all my demons.
Finally content with the past that I regret
I found that you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I am at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long.......
I'm moving on.......

Feels like today.......
I woke up this morning
with this feeling inside me, that I cant explain
like a weight that I've carried , had been carried away.
But I know something is coming
I dont know what it is
But I know its amazing , and can save me,
and my time is coming
I 'll find my way out
of this long drought....
And it feel like today....

IS BETTER TO HAVE KNOWN HOW TO LOVE THAN TO HAVE NEVER LOVED AT ALL....

TODAY I TOOK BACK MY LIFE AND STARTED LOVING ME.....

TAT$BABYNOMORE.....
Last edited by TATSBABY : Today at 08:17 AM.

AmyLynn · #**125** 11-29-2005, 07:33 AM

Tina it is good to know that you and your son are doing well.. I hope that things keep going well for the both of you.. I understand what you mean by you wish that he would go back to jail. It is not mean thing cause you only want him to get help. Hang in there and keep us posted on you!! You have been though alot and things are slowly getting better for you and you understand that he can only help "himself" and that is a hard thing to learn..... HUGS to you and Zac