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TZT4$ure4Life · #**201** 12-05-2009, 02:26 AM

Gag, how well and how true what you are saying is true. I feel you on all of it. Wow 5 bids? I only have 2 and now this one under me. I and this is the longest.
I suppose time will tell on this one. I think this is why this one is going to be so different and I know that my husband knows and feels that. I am no longer that woman/wife that wraps herself up in him. Times have changed and with that so have I.
Visits this time, will be few and far between, because of the times and the $. I honestly love my husband but cant worry about him in alot of ways. Because of the choices that he made for himself. Just because he choose this again, doesnt mean I did!
I try and take one day at a time and that is all I can do.
I am glad that your husband is doing well and I am glad that you also have gotten stronger.
I dont wish this life of prison and addiction on anyone and it is no joy ride. You have got to be one strong person to do it. Its not so cut and dry as most would like to think.
And what no one wants to talk about is all that goes on behind the scenes at home and in prison.
Take care and stay strong...

Blessings Tina

SharonK · #**202** 12-06-2009, 08:02 PM

My thoughts and prayers go out to you...I'm right there with you girl. My husband did 4 years, went thru the drug and alcohol program and we really thought we had it beat this time. He was out sober and doing great for 2 years. We were so happy and the whole family was so proud. Our youngest daughter gave us our first grandchild, we renewed our wedding vows with all he kids there...life couldn't have been sweeter. Then an old friend got out of prison, needed a place to stay, and asked for Coy's help to straighten up HIS life. Instead, he drug Coy back to the life he'd left behind. Coy's now sitting in jail, has been there for 5 months already waiting on trial. The DA is offering 5 years.I still feel like I'm gonna wake up and find this is a bad dream. I too am angry but I love my husband and I will stand by him and we WILL beat this. So I understand how you feel. Good luck and God bless!!!
Sharon

TZT4$ure4Life · #**203** 12-10-2009, 02:48 AM

Sharon Thanks for the support. Its is the hardest thing a woman can do is to stand by her man.. Esp after the ups and the downs that addictions can put her through or a couple through... I wish you and your husband the best and Hope that all does turn out well for you both...

ItalianHitGirl · #**204** 12-10-2009, 05:41 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SharonK

My thoughts and prayers go out to you...I'm right there with you girl. My husband did 4 years, went thru the drug and alcohol program and we really thought we had it beat this time. He was out sober and doing great for 2 years. We were so happy and the whole family was so proud. Our youngest daughter gave us our first grandchild, we renewed our wedding vows with all he kids there...life couldn't have been sweeter. Then an old friend got out of prison, needed a place to stay, and asked for Coy's help to straighten up HIS life. Instead, he drug Coy back to the life he'd left behind. Coy's now sitting in jail, has been there for 5 months already waiting on trial. The DA is offering 5 years.I still feel like I'm gonna wake up and find this is a bad dream. I too am angry but I love my husband and I will stand by him and we WILL beat this. So I understand how you feel. Good luck and God bless!!!
Sharon

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. My thoughts are with you and your family. You sound like you're being very strong. You'd have to be to do this all over again. I hope your husband knows how blessed he is to have you by his side. I honestly think I'd walk away after all that you've already been through. I pray that you all come through this terrible ordeal. Thank you for sharing your story, I needed to hear it today.

TZT4$ure4Life · #**205** 02-19-2010, 09:00 PM

It's 2010 and anyone would think that, Tat and I would be through with all of this and enjoying our life and our son and grandsons. But life, doesnt always turn out the way that we hope it would.. Life I have come to find out,
happens and there is nothing going to stop what is going to be... That GOD somehow is in charge and that he is the only one that is going to make things fall in place as they should...

I say this because when I started this post back in 2006 ... I had no ideal, that some 4 yrs later. I would be adding to it... Still it is what it is and I still have the faith and belive that GOD is in charge and that someday maybe not in my time, but in GODS time....Tat will get it right..

Addiction, is a nasty, ugly, mean and hateful thing.. It comes and it robs, destorys, lies, and cheats the people that come to close to it. Yet, you always believe... NO let me re state that..... YOU HAVE TO BELIVE that CHANGE is coming...

CHANGE has been a long time coming for Tat and myself.
And yet still today, some would say that I am living in a glass house, have blinds on my eyes, that I should just give up and walk away.. Hell some would say that I am co-dependent... me I like to think that I am a BELIEVER
in the power of LOVE and FAITH if one does not give up on the ADDICT... I have come to know that LOVE always
HOPES..

That as long as you have hope then the fight is still there. Yes, I have stepped back took some me time, and doing what I need to do with my life, I am no longer centered in the world of the Addiction that faces me in the face still everyday even though I have never been an addict..my true love is an Addict ..

I have learned, that you truley can not make a person change, but I also have learned that if you dont give up on that person then that person doesnt give up on themselves and when the time is right with GOD, the Addict will begin their process in healing.....

Today Tat is sitting once again in prison and I sit here with our son and know that even though we have been through Hell and back ... I love my husband more today than I ever have because I honestly know with my heart within my soul... My husband is on his way to the road, to recovery. He may not get there as fast as I want, and he may take another wrong turn again, but I have the FAITH to keep on and I know that some day ....

My sweet Tat willl make it through to the light....

Thanks to all who listen and I pray that if you are fighting the fight with an Addict .. know you cant fight their fight but you dont have to give up on them either..
You dont have to be an abler just be a beliver.... the rest will come in GODS time.....

Blessings

Tina and Tat

Debflrose · #**206** 04-17-2010, 08:47 PM

It's amazing to read this. In reading all the replies I see something I have never seen before. I thought my story was a rare one, but now I see it's not. All the stories are alike. Men addicted to drugs, and women loving them to death. Somtimes litterly. I lived the same story 15 years ago, until I couldn't take another minute of pain and had to walk away. To watch someone do drugs and die right before your eyes, and there is nothing you can do to stop it, is so painful.
I never thought I would or could walk away from him, but I did. My heart never stopped feeling for him because love never really goes away, you just put it on a shelf and move on so you can try to be sane and have a normal life. It's not fair but it's reality. Drugs are demonic at it's worst. It sucks the life out of the addict and eventually everyone who is involved with them. I had to walk or die.

TZT4$ure4Life · #**207** 07-21-2010, 10:58 PM

Its been a while since I have posted on this thread...
Its been a long and hard road...
We are now, almost 1 yr into our now 15 yr bid.. and it has not been an easy road...
Tempers have flared.. my mind set has changed so much that I am in fear that I am going insane at times.. I get angry at Tat, yet I cant get pass the fact that I do love him as well..

I took my name off his visitation list and LORD you would have thought that I killed someone.. it wasnt done because I wanted to punish him, it was done because I wanted him to see me?? I hope there is someone out there that can understand that. I surely dont now looking back.. I know he is mad and I know he is hurt.. but HELL so am I... I understand and I know that 2 rights do not make a wrong...

It is what it is.. we either make it throught this or we dont...He called on our aniversary, LORD knows I sure didnt think it would..

His mind is clear of drugs, Thank You GOD!!! Yet he can not seem to shake that convicts way of thinking.. he can not seem to understand what he has put me through or our family.. yet I am at fault for wanting him to see me???

I dont know what will happen? We talked and I do love him but its hard to know that I have 15 yrs of this??
Is change possible? I do believe that, but he has to do that for himself, I cant do it for him..

As for me, I am going through it and I know that it will be a long hard road no matter what the out come. I will never leave him alone but I dont know if I can be what he wants me to be any longer...

I am confused and I just really need to step back and breathe... so does he..

So for now, it is what it is and thats all I can say about this long hard journey of life that we have had...

Love is a strange and crazy thing..
some may say that I surely am co dependent...

Me?? well its my love, right, wrong, healthy, unhealthy, it is my love and I can not put a label on it...

nor will I .. some call me a convicts wife, me I just say I am me, a bit crazy, a bit sane , in love with a man that hids behind his pain and the wire.... and when present the drugs as well.... IF I am to be a convicts wife then I guess that is what I am .. for now I just want to be...

Blessings

Tina

Cindy C · #**208** 07-23-2010, 04:46 PM

I do hear what you're saying Tina. Through this thread you have provided an insight into what can happen if you choose to stand by your man no matter what. You should be praised by others and proud of yourself for the strength and courage you've shown.

You are not wrong to do what you have to do to LIVE while he's facing his own Karma!! If you feel you need time to live instead of merely wait by the phone during this 15yr stretch, then so be it. He needs to understand that he will be out of your life for a while and that you need to live while the two of you are separated. If you are faithful to him and make sure to send him reminders that you're still waiting, I don't see how he can truly expect you to do more.

The man has put you through hell. Everyone deserves a chance to live in this life not just hold their breath and wait for a tomorrow that's, in reality, years away. Stay strong and do what you need to do!!

To those who jump in at the end of this...be sure you review ALL the posts over the years and really HEAR Tina's story before you gather your thoughts and add to the thread....

TZT4$ure4Life · #**209** 07-25-2010, 01:35 AM

Thank you Cindy... I sure hope that over the years, OUR story has helped a few along the way. I get judged really hard at times but alot of people. I know that I have to make my way through this 15 yrs and through life. I have come a long way, and I am sure that I have a long way to go. Each step has been a learning process for me. I can't say that it has or has not been for Tat.
I only speak for me, Yes he has put me through HELL and BACK. Sad thing is he has done the very same to himself.
People wonder at times how I stay, its hard.. BUT when you love someone and you know the good is there, you just cant give up on them. SO I choose to just do this time, a little different this time. I am not giving up on him, but I sure aint giving up on me either.
Thank you Cindy for the support it means alot.. Your words touched my soul.
One thing that I know and have learned out of all of this, is that you really dont know what you would do untill you are faced with something.. and that is anything just not this...
I am sure there will be more post and more updates as we go through this. I know some will be good and some will be bad.. Yet, I pray along the way, some can relate and understand.
WE dont choose who we love, we just choose how we love...

Blessings
Tina

TZT4$ure4Life · #**210** 01-31-2011, 07:34 AM

Wow!!! Its been quite a while since I have been here and posted.. Things sure have changed for me since the last time, I posted....
Tat is a year into his 15 yr sentence that was given to him. I havent went and visited him since May of last year. And I have come to know that my marriage no matter how much I wanted it, and loved him, just cant fix it and never will be enough...
Tat knows that I know that.. we have decided to go our on ways... its not something that was eazy for me to decide. yet there comes a time when you have to accept that no mater how hard you try if the addict isnt willing to try there is not a damn thing you can do about it..
You all know this story is a long and painful one. I am not sure if I could go back and rewind the last years that I would.. It has made me a stronger person and I have learned alot about myself and addiction...
I live by the Sernity Prayer now... and I have to accept that there are just somethings that I can not change.. and so I must change me and truly carry on and make my life better. There are no bad feelings between Tat and I .. I wish him well and I pray that one day he does in fact over come his demons and addictions..
We share a son, who is smart, bright, funny and I want him to know his father and I also want him to know what drugs can rob a man of and his family...
So I do believe this will be my last post for this... part of my life....
God Bless to all and remember love yourself first....

Blessings
Tina

QUEENDRURY · #**211** 01-31-2011, 09:33 AM

i am happy that you accept the serenity prayer as much as you accept your love for tat.much love to you,queendrury

MIKAER · #**212** 03-10-2011, 06:58 PM

Addiction is not personal...Addiction wants what it wants. and will go to any lenth to get it.The 1st 48 hours after release are so important! An Addict with out a recovery plan is asking to get High. This why the 1st stop has to be a 12 step meeting. It helps for friends and family to start the routine long be for the addict comes home.

rhewsbbgurl · #**213** 03-10-2011, 10:19 PM

(((HUGS))) First thank you for shareing your story. I will be praying for you an your son an Tat that he finds his bottom and calls to climb back out. Reading this scared me I wont lie, I am with an addict and I have been down the road of picking them up and the promises and the I'm sorry's. Why I am still standing here....because I love him and hold on to hope that it will be different this time when he comes home. Your friend is right you will live as an addict even if you arent. Hun you hit your rock bottom now it is time to build yourself back up and it seems to me that is exactly what you are doing. Hold your head high for yourself and your son, I wish you all the luck and that you find your true happyness. Stay Blessed!

TZT4$ure4Life · #**214** 08-15-2011, 09:42 PM

It sure has been a long time since I posted on "our story" what a whirl wind it has been. Ups downs and in betweens. I have learned alot and I have had to step back and understand alot as well. Even though I was conviced that I had it all figured out ..
SO where does that leave Tat and I? Together.. making it work and giving it the best shot that we can. I had to look at me and understand that his addictions are not mine. But that it was I who was addictd as well... to my husband..
I have learned that doing a long bid sure is not like doing a short one. And that if I was having a problem with it what the Hello was my husband going through? Also that he is who he is and that is one of the reasons I love him like I do.
Addiction is UGLY you hear me ??? Damn right UGLY.. and I am not sure that I will ever fully understand it, but the one thing I have done after all these years is accept the fact that I can not change my husband, I can love him and I can want all the good things for him. But unless he wants them too, I am helpless as he is... and so the one good and powerful thing that I can do is PRAY.. PRAYER is powerful stuff.. and FAITH IS TOO..
I had to get over being angry, had to get over thinking that I wasnt enough for him because I am I was and always will be enough for him. Its the addiction that controls him.
He is doing good,, we cant visit and we talk on the phone and we write . Our son is happy and is in all honor classes this year. He startes middle school. Our grandsons are growing like weeds and we have a new one as well..
I know this isnt the perfect life and I know that it could be different. But if this is the way it is to be for right now then it is the way it is.
I still fight the fight against METH and I will till the day I die if need be.
Tat still makes me laugh and he still gets me like no other man has ever got me.. and with that I mean he knows me ... we know each other and for now.. I take it one day at time.. I am learning that its ok to love someone that others see as not so perfect.. but is perfect for me....
Thanks to all of you that has read these posts and understand.. its so good to be back on PTO...

Blessings
Tina and Tat

TZT4$ure4Life · #**215** 09-01-2011, 07:01 PM

How to I begin this post.. I surely have had a strange week and my eyes have been opened to alot.. It is strange how things can turn your thoughts and ideals into what they should be and not what you want them to be.

Updating this post makes me aware that the fight of addiction is something that I always will do. BUT it also has helped me to see just where Tat and I are today and how far we have come. And that we have room to grow..

I re read the good and bad posts.. all the replies that tell me by everyone who reads our story just how strong I am ! I like to think that I am the strong one.. but really I am not...

If this can make any sense to anyone it is Tat and my GOD that makes me strong.. Its the will to over come something that has robbed not only my family but so many others.

These last few days I have come to understand and to see that
my husband loves me.. he always has, maybe its not the way that I want but really it is the way that I need.. wants and needs are to different things..
Sometimes trust me those wants can get you into trouble..
My husband is fighting the fights of his addictions but also for his livleyhood in side those walls as well.
I am doing the same out here.. and even out here in this place we call the free world .. we make choices and mistakes that we didnt want to make but we make them. And sometimes when we make them GOD has a way of opening our eyes to what our loved one has gone through with fighting their addictions...

We come to know and understand that behind those addictions behind all the bad choices that our addicts make. We make the same ones ... perhaps not as bad but we make them...

and yes sometimes as bad.. but the main thing that we learn is that we are human and that sometimes love is all that we have...
Love is pure and simple and addiction does rob us of that sometimes. IF we let it win, to fight the fight is all about love in the end...

I love my husband, that is one thing that will never change.. even if his addictions never do... if I give up on him then who is gonna be there for me? when I make the bad choices and need support??

Its not the person that is bad when addiction is present its the addiction that makes the person bad...

Just for thought....

Blessing
Tina and Tat

**lisainengland** · #**216** 09-02-2011, 02:50 AM

I think you are a very strong person and I admire the way both you and your husband are fighting your addictions. Hugs and blessings to you both

TZT4$ure4Life · #**217** 09-02-2011, 08:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lisainengland

I think you are a very strong person and I admire the way both you and your husband are fighting your addictions. Hugs and blessings to you both

Thank you Lisa... I have to say though it is not my addictions we fight is is Tats... but I guess also in a way we are fighting both our addictions.. his of drugs.. mine of him ... I dont mind my addiction to my husband... I hate his to meth.... Thank you for your kind words and support

TZT4$ure4Life · #**218** 10-23-2011, 05:06 PM

Its Oct .. the middle of the month. Holidays are coming up very fast. Tat and I are doing really good, even with no visits and just letters cards and phone calls to keep us in contact.
Its funny how when you cant have those visits that you learn much more about someone that you thought you really knew.
I mean Tat and I have been together for a very long time, yet I keep learning new things about him. That I really didnt know? And he about me as well.
He is doing amazing where he is, even if its not the best Camp he is making it work.. We are making it work.. For once in this crazy relationship of ours.. We are working together not only on our marriage but on ourselves as well.
He has been taking just about every class he can get his hands on in there. Which makes me very proud..
I think the time, that we have to do this time around has made him stop and think about alot of things. Drugs dont come up in our talks anymore, doing crazy things in there doesnt come up , we dont talk about the future although we know there is one, we have learned to live by the ONE DAY AT A TIME motto..
It works, stressing over how much time we have gets us no where.
worrying about where he will go when he gets transfered drives me crazy and him.
My husband is no longer the demanding man he once was, I am no longer the wife that cant understand him....
I can say we now understand each other..
And with that has came the chance to understand ourselves.
Tat is working towards finding himself under all the years of prison life, and all the scars left behind by his drug addiction.. with him doing that it helps me to know my husband the man, I lost so many years ago.. To the world of METH..
It helps me to just listen at times and not judge or think that I know it all.. ( wow I said it...) cause truth is I didnt know it all, just thought I did.
I have lost weight .. 38lbs to date.. I feel good.. about me again and and I have a job that I love and I am ok where I am out in this big place called LIFE ..
Tat is ok where he is at also
WE ARE OK.. and that makes it worth this crazy battle of addiction..
It can be won, it will always always be there and it may show its ugly face or try to but... with GOD in our corner and with each other
it sure is easier.. than it was when we first started this journey..
Thanks for reading..
And if you love someone who is dealing with addiction ...
never give up on them.. or yourself..
There are lessons to be learned... I know I have and so has Tat..

Blessing
Tind and Tat

**lisainengland** · #**219** 10-24-2011, 01:16 AM

Its great to know that you two are doing so well. I know it has been a long fight for both of you and I am so pleased to see you both winning the battles

Exceptions2313 · #**220** 10-24-2011, 12:34 PM

Hello

I wanted to say thank you. I mean it. Your story was so real, when I read the beginning of it all, it almost felt like I had wrote it about our life. I read through all of your posts. I hope you continue to update us. You are a strong woman and an inspiration to many. I hope everything works out for you and your family. I got choked up several times scrolling through all your posts. Thanks again

Lisa

TZT4$ure4Life · #**221** 10-24-2011, 05:32 PM

Lisa .. Thank you... It is all real and I pray that it has helped someone along the way.. Its been one hell of a ride... to say the least.. and it has been hell at times.
There were times I wanted to give up .. times I wanted to scream and times I thought I was just plain crazy !!!
But I love my husband and I know he is a good man and I too have learned so much ...
When I read back from the beginning ... I cry.. and I am thankful that my husband, my family and myself have made it through..
The road isnt done yet, and I dont think with addiction it ever will be but we can only take one day at a time.. and be thankful we made it through.... I will keep updating trust me it has helped me to post here...

Blessing
Tina

TZT4$ure4Life · #**222** 10-24-2011, 05:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lisainengland

Its great to know that you two are doing so well. I know it has been a long fight for both of you and I am so pleased to see you both winning the battles

Thanks LisainEngland.. we are well and it has been a long hard fight.. Thanks for all you do here on PTO and for your support through our journey....

TZT4$ure4Life · #**223** 12-10-2011, 06:27 PM

Merry Christmas.....

Just wanted to wish all of you and your family A very Blessed one. Things are so good on this end that it is sometimes a bit scary.. I mean that for real..
Still no visits but I can say that Tat is been in no trouble for a year now!!! And he can put in for a good transfer so we are working on that.
He also wants to transfer where there are faith based dorms!!
GOD is so good...
Holidays are not the happiest for either of us but we keep believing that it is all worth it and I know that it is.
Thanksgiving was one of my best, my whole families for that matter. I my daughter and my mother cooked and we took it to the streets, along with tables and chairs and decorations and we took it to a known drug street filled with addicts, ,ladies of the night and people that were homeless.
I sat with these people and I talked with this people and I ate and prayed with this people.And was so Blessed to be able to do that...
Of course, Tat told me becareful Tina you know I know what I am talking about I am an addict. And yes I had my eyes and ears open but I can tell you. These people the people that GOD loves so much the ones that are hurting and try to ease their pains with drugs sex and booze were a joy and a Blessing to me and my family.
Tat called that night and said he was so very proud of me, and that he loved me so much for sharing with them what so many choose not to and that is just LOVE... I told him it would probley be our new family tradition and he said he cant wait to come and help me with it.
Our life is good and I am so thankful that we are at the place we are. ITs a good place...
Please never give up on the ones you love that are dealing with addiction.. love them, be there for them, dont enable them but just plain love them and let them know there is a better way.
We all have our addictions some just think its worst then others....
Its like saying one sin is worst than another.. GOD says a sin is a sin ..
An addiction is an addiction...
I could never give up on my husband never... and Lord above knows I sure do have the right to do that....
Our journey is still carrying on.. and I am still carrying on, we are still carrying on... becasue we never gave up....

Merry Christmas and Many Blessings

Tina and Tat

He&me · #**224** 12-11-2011, 02:32 AM

Thank you for this wonderful story, you made a great Thanksgiving to so many people, you give them the feeling they are not alone and I am just real happy for what you did and of course get back.

**lisainengland** · #**225** 12-11-2011, 05:12 AM

Thank you for such beautiful words and for being such a beautiful person with a good heart. You and Tat are in my prayers