It Should Have Been Our 3Yr Anniversary Today (a lil long)....

[PalmviewPrincess]

This whole week, well actually since Saturday, I've been thinking about this day.... today, Sept. 21st. I cant help it, I just CAN'T, NOT think about it. It just keeps slipping in my head, and in my thoughts, and Rick keeps reappearing in my heart. Today should have been our 3 year anniversary! I dont know why I keep doing this to myself, I wish I could just let it go, but I cant! It's been about 9 months since I got his goodbye letter after I sent mine, and he is still the one I miss and care about. I try to hide it but its more than obvious, I feel like I need him, and their is no escaping my own feelings. I feel trapped, completely trapped and I dont know what else to do.

I went to visit his parents on Monday once again, hoping to feel better like I did the last time I went to visit them. I had a blast like always, I really enjoy spending time with his family, and they are the same with me like if I had never left their son. This time it was different though, they showed me pictures of him that were taken at visitation this weekend, and I just wanted to cry. I hadnt felt like that since the last day I saw him last May (2004) when I had my first, last, and only contact visit with him. Looking at his picture made me want to feel him close to me, by my side once again. I held back the tears the whole time I was their, pretending like it was indifferent to me, but as soon as I left I broke down. By the look in his eyes, I can see that he is still sad too, and that he needs me too, just as much as I need him. I just dont know if I can be strong enough to withstand all this. I dont know what I'm supposed to do now, dont know if I should take some steps back after getting this far.... but what good does it do me when I've realized that I still care (love?) , and miss him. I frankly dont know if I still love him, but I feel like I want him.

This is SO wrong because I am with someone else now, and I'm not even sure where its going anymore! Rene and I are having so many problems/issues that sometimes I just think its better if I just walked out and left. Rene has become so unappreciative, and doesnt understand all the things I'm going though and doing right now. I'm working full time, and attending college full time as well, and he cant understand that I can no longer have the same amount of time for him. Lately, I feel like a sex object, like thats the only time he cares about me or my feelings.

I dont know if I can keep doing all of this anymore. It's just too much and its tearing me apart. I just needed to vent, I feel like I'm losing my mind. What am I supposed to do now????? Well, Thanks for listening gurls!

[adams_wife4life]

awwww sweetie the best advise i can give is follow your heart and if its telling u to be with him then do it ((((hugs)))

[PalmviewPrincess]

Thanks, I wish it could be easier than that. Unfortunately, I feel that my situation is far too complicated. I guess only time will tell, thats what I think... gonna wait it out a lil longer before making any drastic decisions that I may regret.

[txchic]

Just my $0.02: I think that you can not truly love someone whole heartedly without letting go of an old "love" you have left behind. When me and my now husband were dating I still had feelings for my ex. My husband left out of state for a couple of months and of course the ex and I did talk. Needless to say when my husband came back he wanted to get serious and told me he loved me. I could not tell him I loved him "yet" since I knew that I still had feelings for the ex. To make a long story short - me and my husband began having problems in out relationship - looking back now I knew that it was because I wasn't giving our relationship everything I had. Of course today after 11 years of being together with a 4 yr old I know that without letting go of the "other" feelings I had me and my husband would never work. Sweetie - I don't know which man you truly love and I surely know how hard it is to let those feelings go but you need to really consider where your heart is. The hardest decision is to let go IMO. But, when you decide just give them all your heart.

[kayos-grl]

I really feel for you because the hardest thing in my life was when I had to leave my ex (not Kayo). You just had to decide what you TRULY want and go from there. I will keep you in my prayers.

[AmyLynn]

Lily I'm not sure what to say to you but you need to remember why you left him there were alot of things going on with him and he caused you alot of pain, You met Rene right after the break up. You never really had the time to heal your heart from the pain that you were (still are in) from Rick!! Think long and hard about what YOU want not what anyone else wants or needs from you. Maybe you need to just do You and not worry about anyone else. You have alot on your plate right now. Just look before you jump there are reasons that you and rick are not togethere!!!!!

[California Sunshine]

(((HUGS))) sweetie.Those damn anniversary dates bite! I have a few coming up myself and so not looking forward to it ( his bday,1 year release date,would be 3 years back together)


Hang in there mama

[JJsPenPal]

Just remember that Rick is the same person you split up with. If the relationship was so good then go back. But if it wasn't good, move on from Rick and from Rene. Focus on school and get rid of any excess drama.

[PalmviewPrincess]

Thanks gurls for the advice and support. I'm feeling a whole lot better now as the days pass on by. I guess these feelings just come and go. And I find that they come when I'm having problems with Rene. I guess I just have to realize that things wouldnt be any better, or should I say, they'd be a whole lot worse if I was with Rick. Rene and I are working on our differences, actually, we had a very long talk... and I'm sure we'll be ok.

txchick- Thanks gurl. You're right, I need to let those feelings for my ex go. I've been thinking about that, and I guess its the fact that I never had the proper closure to end our relationship. When I left him, I broke it off with him in a letter since he was 12hrs away. I havent seen him in over a yr, maybe its time to find the proper closure in person. I'm just scared to make a mistake.

kayos-grl- Yes, you're right. I have to decide what I truly want, and what I truly want is to be happy. I know that my ex would never make me feel this happy, and would never love me the way I deserve. I do feel like I love my bf so much, its just that sometimes I start feeling lost, and confused.

Amy- Thanks gurl! You, and the rest of the What's Happening ladies really do help me set my mind straight. I dont need all the BS, and all the drama that Rick would give me. And yes, you are right, I didnt give my heart time enough to heal. Unfortunately, I'm the type of person whom is constantly terrified of being alone, guess its a lack of self esteem. It's sad, but true. I'm working at it though. I'm doing a whole lot better, and have been all this time becuz of you and the rest of the gurls. I will forever be grateful!

Cali- Yes, anniversary dates to bite! Guess its something that is beyond our control, no matter how happy we think we are. His bday is coming up on Dec. 21, and its weird but he's up for parole in Dec. 25, which is X-mas day according to his parole eligiblity date. I guess they'll have it before or sumthing... who knows how they gonna work that one out. I do know that the parole officers have already started seeing him.

JJsPenPAl- The relationship with Rick was definitely not good. I guess sometimes I just need a lil bit of a reminder as to why I'm not their any longer in the first place. As for Rene, I'm working on it. If he doesnt change, I'm walking out, and I've already had a long talk with him. Thanks for the advice!

[JJsPenPal]

PP,
You're brave to admit you're afraid of being alone. There was a time in my life when I had nobody for about two years and it was the happiest time of my life! Remember what you want and what you deserve and ask yourself if he is capable of being that for you. If your answer is clearly no, cut him loose (or them). I think it's great when a woman can take some time ALONE for herself and learn to be happy without a man. It's hard at first but it gets easy and then you learn to only allow a man into your life who is truly worthy and deserving. When we come from a place of need, we attract losers. When we come from a place of strength, independence, and being FINE ALONE, we attract better men.

[PalmviewPrincess]

Thank you so much gurl! And I know you are right, unfortunately at the time I cant take such a step, but believe me, I'll be working on it. Things seem to be going better for me and my bf Rene. Tomorrow will be our 1 yr anniversary.... yes, I know.... I jumped into that relationship real quick... just a wk apart from the other anniversary that should have been.

I've had major conversations with Rene and I think that we are on the same page now, if things dont get better, I will cut him loose as u said. I dont need more stuff to worry bout, I need someone who will be appreciative, supporting, understanding, and loving. And if I dont get that, then you're right, I'm better off alone. Thanks again!

[JD'slove]

I do not know the hole details to your storie, but I left JD too. Mine was friends family mostly his mom. I had been in the relationship for over 9 years. I left thinking it was for the best for the two of us. I was wrong I got into a 2 year relationship where I was so deprest all I thought of was JD. I finaly had enough and talked to my bestfriend his sisterlaw. I left the one and wrote JD it took a few letters but he finaly wrote back. It has been a slow go, but we are back together and I love him more then ever. Follow your heart not what others say. GOOD LUCK on what ever happens.

[PalmviewPrincess]

Jd's Love- Thanks for the advice. I'm gonna follow my heart as you say, but for now its at the chance of happiness with the guy I'm seeing. Things have slowly started getting better for us, and hopefully they stay that way. I cant say I dont feel anything for my ex, but I very much doubt any type of reconciliation.

[JJsPenPal]

Remember, you don't have to choose (settle) between Rene or Rick. There are a million fish in the sea.