Things You Need To Work On In Your Relationship

[HeSoHandsome]

Yes, it is a good thread. So good that I had to think for a minute and/or wait for something to happen because I didn't have anything off the top of my head. Something happened, so here we go. I need to work on stopping myself from saying "let's split up", and he needs to work on "stopping himself from providing the stimuli that makes me respond that way."

[whiskeylullabye]

Good ones ... I've learned not to do things like that, because it hurts both of us. I mean what would I do if one time time I said 'Let's break up' and he said, 'ok'. Even if he didn't mean it I would ALWAYS have that in my mind...

[one_luv]

E-wife- stomach? girl, you are beautiful, i can see nice curves but no stomach.

whisky-and here i was thinking my relationship was perfect. now I have to go and think about what I should be working on. Thanks for reminding me, because someone needed to. My husband never rarely tells me when I'm doing wrong unless I go over-the-top.

In our relationship, I need to work on not being so emotionally selfish. It's always about me and my feelings and I expect him to suck it up. He probably wouldn't agree with me on this, because he think this is the way it should be. I'm spoiled when it comes to a lot of things, and a lot of this is his fault. I don't know, I kinda like being spoiled so I don't know if I really want to work on this one. See what I mean about making me think about this?

I need to write more. I haven't written in at least 6 weeks. I know, horror gasp. I do send something every week- usually pictures, but don't write. And why? because my husband says, "don't worry, you're busy, as long as I get to talk to you everyday, you don't need to spend your free time you have writing me" See what I mean about spoiling me?

As far as what my husband needs to do, I am not going to say stop spoiling me and letting me have my way with everything. Seriously though, anything that I have asked him to do or change when it comes to our relationship, he has done.

But as individuals, there's a lot of work to be done, more by me than him. I am very critical of myself so once you got me started on that one I would have a laundry list. But I will say I need to spend less time on PTO because it's hurting my schoolwork and sleep and cuts down on the time I should be doing things for my husband.

[whiskeylullabye]

I agree with one_luv, e-wife, you ARE beautiful!!

I can totally relate to what you mean about being spoiled, he makes the relationship mostly about me, about how I feel and what I need, etc. I never really thought about it in terms of me being emotionally selfish, but I think that I probably am. Part of me thinks that HE need to take a more active role in expressing himself as well, if he allowed me to focus more on him, which I do try to do, things would be better. Actually, I don't know if that's entirely true, because he does talk a lot about his emotions and how he's feeling, but I believe that the things he wants and needs he often puts to the side and forgets about because he wants to take care of me.

I don't think you not writing is that bad if ya'll talk every day!! I write my boyfriend daily, for the most part, at least 5 days out of the week, but we started out as penpals so that's a hard habit to break. AND I don't want it broken!!!

I need to spend less time on PTO too for the exact same reasons as you do! But where would I be without PTO, going crazy for sure!

[one_luv]

whiskey- you have a real solid relationship already though and it's only been a year. Mine was a mess at a year, but of course I was in a stage of rebelling against being the wife of a prisoner. In another 5 years you will look back and see how much you've grown, but I think one thing is key is that you tell him what is on your mind and how you are feeling. They need our persepective. Your man has been locked up for a minute where there is no compasion or forgiveness. This is what you bring to the relationship, so I think it's proper for you to share with him. While we don't want to go the route of trying to change our men, they need a little help to help themselves change. "A close mouth don't get fed" Girl, I know you love this man to death and don't want to hurt him, but if something bothers you, tell him. Look at it as cutting off a diseased limb. Now that limb isn't going to bother you an more and you'll have a healthy tree, but what's going to happen if you just leave it to rot? Just something to think about.

babygurl- I am also going to ask my man what he thinks I need to work on. We always go over our goals for the coming year on new year's, so it's good timing.

[MsAloha1018]

I do like this thread!

For Him:

• He needs to have more patience with himself and the world around him;
• He needs to realize that he can't do every thing himself; sometimes you have to "let go and let Higher Power";
• He needs to not work himself so hard (the man works 7 days a week!) Although money is important, his health is even more so.

For Me:

• I need to learn to trust him more, and not keep things from him because I think I can handle it (and sometimes I can't);
• I need to lighten up a little when it comes to our relationship. Sometimes I just get too serious for my own good;
• I need to reprioritize things in my life: family, home, work, hobbies and not the other way around.

For Us:

• COMMUNICATE with each other, or listen when one is speaking without getting offended;
• If we don't agree on something, we need to learn how to agree to disagree AND LET IT GO without carrying resentment;
• Remember how important we are to each other and treat each other with love and respect. AND NOT TAKE EACH OTHER FOR GRANTED!!! We're both bad at this sometimes, by just assuming that the other person will be there even when we're at our worst.

[jessica23]

We both need to work on our tempers - short fuses + big mouths = unnecessary angst, hurt feelings, and wasted time.

Jessica

[babygurl919]

Originally Posted by one_luv

In another 5 years you will look back and see how much you've grown, but I think one thing is key is that you tell him what is on your mind and how you are feeling. They need our persepective. Your man has been locked up for a minute where there is no compasion or forgiveness. This is what you bring to the relationship, so I think it's proper for you to share with him. While we don't want to go the route of trying to change our men, they need a little help to help themselves change. "A close mouth don't get fed" Girl, I know you love this man to death and don't want to hurt him, but if something bothers you, tell him. Look at it as cutting off a diseased limb. Now that limb isn't going to bother you an more and you'll have a healthy tree, but what's going to happen if you just leave it to rot? Just something to think about.

I think I'm going to print that paragraph and hang it on my wall for a constant reminder of the importance of communication and being real with my feelings (we have both gotten a lot better at this, but there's always room for improvement). I loved the way you worded it!!

Oh... and I think setting "relationship goals" for New Year's is a great idea!! I never thought about that actually. I'm definitely gonna propose the idea to him and see what he thinks. Thanks, girl!!

[whiskeylullabye]

Originally Posted by one_luv

whiskey- you have a real solid relationship already though and it's only been a year. Mine was a mess at a year, but of course I was in a stage of rebelling against being the wife of a prisoner. In another 5 years you will look back and see how much you've grown, but I think one thing is key is that you tell him what is on your mind and how you are feeling. They need our persepective. Your man has been locked up for a minute where there is no compasion or forgiveness. This is what you bring to the relationship, so I think it's proper for you to share with him. While we don't want to go the route of trying to change our men, they need a little help to help themselves change. "A close mouth don't get fed" Girl, I know you love this man to death and don't want to hurt him, but if something bothers you, tell him. Look at it as cutting off a diseased limb. Now that limb isn't going to bother you an more and you'll have a healthy tree, but what's going to happen if you just leave it to rot? Just something to think about.

You're totally right...I do need to tell him when things bother me, usually they aren't big things, but I tend to let things go and then get mad about them later. It's very unhealthy for both me and my relationship. But I'm trying to work on that. Now when we're talking about something when something bothers me I let it go and then I sit there and think about it and like five minutes later I bring it up. He always laughs at me when I do that but I figure it's better than letting it fester inside me, and plus, you know, baby steps to improvement.

In my letter to him last night I was listing the things that I need to improve in our relationship, I'm going to see what he says to it all and I'm sure he'll have some of his own suggestions to add too.

[whiskeylullabye]

Originally Posted by babygurl919

I think I'm going to print that paragraph and hang it on my wall for a constant reminder of the importance of communication and being real with my feelings (we have both gotten a lot better at this, but there's always room for improvement). I loved the way you worded it!!

Oh... and I think setting "relationship goals" for New Year's is a great idea!! I never thought about that actually. I'm definitely gonna propose the idea to him and see what he thinks. Thanks, girl!!

I love the way she said it too, I was thinking that I'm going to send it to Rick... But with him and I you know I'm where you USED to be, now I just need to get to where you are when it comes to comminicating and saying what's on my mind...

[PSMITH3127]

I need to work on my insecurities,and my self esteem. There is going to be a need for a huge amount of trust as we will not be living together for a while after he gets out but doing the weekend commuting thing... I am not sure I can get to that level of trust!!!
I need to learn to not be so judgemental all the time , I have a tendency to be somewhat holier then thou... ( sorry)
I need to learn to not say hurtful things even though they are true , I am truthful to the point of bluntness.
I need to not stress over things so much and learn how to go with the proverbial flow.. I am a planning to the extreme kind of gal and Scott is more of a let's just enjoy it and sees where it takes us kind of man.

Scott has to learn to not show favoritism to his other son , he has never lived with ours yet, therefore they havent had a chnce to really bond outside of a prison visitation yard.
Scott will have to learn how to show emotions ( never been his strong suit) worse now after prison
Scott will have to learn how to be dependable and much more open.

As a couple we will have to learn how to " PARENT" together. I can already tell from letters and visits that i will be the disciplanarian and the responible one and he will be the " fun" one...

[optimistic]

I really had to step back and think.....outside of him being in prison, he tries 150% to keep me happy and keep my solid (and no I'm not saying we or him are perfect!!!!)

I however, REALLY need to work on giving just as much as I take. When we first started this path I was giving my all. And now, I focus more on me and don't write, I focus on work and just me. I love him and think about him ALL DAY EVERYDAY but I just don't make sure that my actions show that to him.

Also, I need to work on my inner-doubts about us making it. I love him, I trust him, I know he's my soul-mate, but I can't say that I am confident in our ability to "make it."

I guess I just need to work on more "US" and less "ME"!

[carebare]

we both need to lose some of our pride. and maybe we speak a little to freely to eachother.

[mel2020]

I like this thread, too. Mostly 'cause it reminds me of the progress he has made in the last few months, but also that we both have things to keep doing.

Me:
* Try to be more understanding of the situation ALL the time. I am usually, but when I get upset or stressed and he's not as understanding or supportive as I wish, I get angry.
* Work on keeping my emotions in check. I don't like them much, so I turn everything into anger because its easier for me to deal that way. This will take a lot of work for me because its a lifetime of dysfunction that has created that in me.
* Work on showing my emotion more FOR him. I don't like being all mushy when peeps are around, so if he asks me "Do you miss me?" while someone is around him or me, I blow it off. My letters convey it well, but I know he needs to hear it sometimes, too.
* Keep it positive when trying to get him to understand his compromises. Sometimes I get so frustrated (which turns to anger) that we end up arguing instead of talking.

Him:
* Learn to think before you speak, do, breath. The easy way is not always the right way, Also, once its said, there's no turning back.
* PRIORITIZE!!! His family should always come first. He'll blow off his mom, sister, or me to hang out with "friends" for a quick buck. Nothing angers me more.
* Trust. I've been down with him for a long time (before he went in), and I'm still questioned about what's up. I not a moron, if I wasn't in this for the man I love, I wouldn't be wasting my time, money, or efforts! DUH!
* Find the positives. Life is full of uncertainties and obstacles. If you dwell on just that all the time, you'll never be happy or at peace. Even rain can make a rainbow, right?!?!

Us:
* Listen. We're both stubborn and don't always hear the other one out completely before firing back.
* Love. Keep loving more today than yesterday and know there's nothing that will stop it, despite the situation.
* Laugh. It seems we don't have as much fun anymore. I'm a smarta@@, and I need to laugh or I'll implode. I can find humor in ANYTHING, so roll with it.
* Learn. I don't have all the answers, and I know that. Neither does he. Learn from decisions and work for a better tomorrow. Its the only way to leave the past so we can enjoy the present while striving for the brightest future.

[cheli chel]

FOR HIM:
stop getting so defensive and thinking someone is always trying to "disrespect" him

FOR ME:
tone it down on the im "miss independent" and dont need anyones help

i guess the reason why he is like that is b/c he's been down for so long and we all have heard about how they always have to have their guards up but hopefully things will change when he is out in the real world.
i am the way i am i guess b/c i have had to look out for myself for so long and now that i am in a good place in my life i tend to be real cocky b/c i know no one helped me be how i am now or get to where i am at this point in my life physically or mentally.