very confused, trust issues and other issues in the relationship

[Munequita]

Hi, I am new to this site, so much confusing has let me wonder around the net and I came to you guys which I think is great because we all similar situations. Well I get to my issue, My boyfriend now of only several months, was my boyfriend when I was 17 years old, he cheated on me so we broke up lost contact until several years went by but, it never let to anything, now he is in prison doing a long sentence, he already has done half his time we have been in contact for a year, he regrets everything he has done to me, he tell me he loves me very much and wants to marry me in prison, I do not have a problem with it but, I have trust issues with him, the past seem to come back to hunt me and he has 2 children with two other women, the oldest is not in the picture, but the youngest is, his child mother found out about us, she is jealous and playing games with him, he know this and he is letting her manipulate him by using her son as an excuse to see him, he is 4 hours and a half away, it's very difficult for me to go see him because I do not own a car and she does so it is very easy for her, he took her out of the visiting list because he doesn't want to lose me but, she had convinced him to put her back, by being very friendly with him, when she goes to see him they will spend 6 hours together, he tells me not to worry that he is not going to focus on her but his son and his sister when they go, but he told me over the phone that he wants to see her expression of her face when he ask her why won't she allowed anyone else take him up to see him, she has let his family take him up to the prison for the visit, but now since she found out she doesn't want anyone to take him but her, and the worse part of it all too is that I work with this woman, the world is too small who would've known this would've happened to me now when i found a good paying job and the love of my life, to make the matters even worse her mother is our receptionist, so I see them everyday and hear them talking about him when he calls them. It is getting very difficult to deal with this situation, my family and friends do not approve, but I love him very much and don't want to break up with him, but I'm scared that she will get his way with him and he will leave me for her and I would have to face this everyday, i feel they have a stronger connection because they where together before he end up in prison for 4 years, they did have a rocky relationship but, I think that if feelings are there it could happen, he reassures me that he doesn't have any feelings for her but friendship because of their son, but, I'm afraid and have strong doubts. Sorry for the long story, I guess I'm very hurt and need some advice from you guys..
Thank you in advance for your advices and respond.

[dwfighterva]

wow

You sure have a full plate. Let me get this straight. They were together for 4 years before he went in and have a son together. She goes to visit him all the time. You work with her and her mother and listen to them talking about him all the time.

You knew him when you were 17 but he cheated on you. Now you have been writing to him for the past year, but can't go visit. He says he loves you and doens't want to see her, yet she still goes to visit.

Maybe I am confused but it seems like she is more his girlfriend than you are. If you want my opinion, and you don't have to take it, I would first, get a new job away from them. Second, I would take a good long look at your relationship with him. He cheated on you before, who's to say he isn't now, only this time, you are the other woman? Or, I have it completely wrong. Whichever, I wish you the best of luck.

[Munequita]

Thank you for the reply dwfighterva, I don't think I am the other woman, because he had asked her to let his son go with me to see him and to let him be in my life, his family has told me that he wants to marry me and he wants me to spend time with his family, his sister told me that he said he adores me and his uncle has said that he wants to move away from the city with me, his ex hasn't seen him in 3 years and had never bother to take his son to see him before, until now everyone suspect is because he is now involved with me, I guess I'm just afraid that he will feed into her games, he asked her why now she wants to go after she had all this time before to go, that he doesn't want any problems with me because of her games, his family reassures me that he doesn't want to be with her. But they do have a stronger connection with her, her son. He asked for me to trust him, but it is very difficult for me to do so.
I have thought about changing jobs, but I don't want to do it right away because I also have a son who I have raised on my own, so it is very difficult for me just to pick up and go. But I am really thinking of it very hard. Thank you so much for wishing be the best of luck

[patriotslover76]

Sorry you are going through this it is a small world, sometimes too small!
This must be really hard on your work relationships having to work with his ex and her mother.

What does his ex say about him? Does she want to get back with him? What is he saying to her?

[tonyloveschris]

i am sorry munequita but the signs are there ... not that he is together with her but has a stronger connection. how would you be able to deal with all this?? besides if you are going up to visit let's just say and she is there already with his son. then what... your stuck. i seen it, i heard it all. thats why i post sometimes what i heard ... not to gossip at all but because it happens. i dont like seeing other women get hurt. when my husband told me his first love from the 70's found him again and see came to visit i thought okay just a visit one time but then she came up again and again - he didnt tell me about the other few times someone else did. then if he says oh, this weekend she is coming up with my son you can come next weekend, can you deal with all this.
i would take a step back... then you work with her family... either just you and him be friends, or get another job somewhere else. and then it starts you already have to change your life for him and your not even married.
good luck...

[Munequita]

His Ex said that she doesn't want to be with him, that she doesn't care if he is with me or anyone else but, when he called the next day after she found out about me he called his son, she started to argue with him and gave him a cold shoulder. Obviously there was some jealousy and still is because I get very hard looks from her on a daily basis, the tension is there. He told her that he doesn't want her to mess this relationship up for him and he told her mother that he found happiness and he wants to stay with me, but that is what he tells me I'm never present at these conversations. It's very hard because we write to eachother almost every day, We send eachother beautiful poems, we have talked about having a child together and having a future but my friends tell me that this is all prison talk, that he might just be lonely. I don't want to think that is the case, it will be horrible if it is because my son has never had a stepfather, his father is not around and never has been, but with my boyfriend since he writes to my son and gives him good advice for he won't be where is at right, my son loves him like a father, my son never felt that way before about anyone I ever dated, that love was never there. This is why it makes it so difficult because we feel like we are also a part of his family.

[honeyg]

All this doubting, worrying and not trusting is keeping you from enjoying the good stuff. He's saying the right things to both you and his family, he writes all the time and is there for your son. Concentrate on these things and getting even more involved with his family and you will be the one with the stronger connection. He can love his son without getting involved with the mom. It would be great if she let others bring the child for visits but her game playing is not fooling anyone. Can't you make it to a visit with someone from his family? Being able to see him would go a long way to easing your mind.

[Munequita]

Thank you for your encouraging words, I have realized this past weekend that he is saying all the right words but for some reason my fears will not let it go, but, I have come to a solution I will let the situation go, after this morning when he called me I realized when I mentioned it again and he seem a bit irritated with me about the whole situation, he really wants me to understand but, I'm being a bit stubborn. I will let it go, because I don't want to lose him and his love, I also decided to go see him this upcoming month on the weekend of my birthday. It is going to be great, I will let his love and faith on us guide him.

[patriotslover76]

Hope your visit is great and it helps ease your concerns!

[IrishEyes]

Girl, I've seen lots and lots of chain gang relationships, and this thing you're wrapped up in is a mess. Your guy is refusing to give up the attention he's getting from her because either a) he's weak, or b) he's just going about things in a real dumb-a** way to keep contact with his kid.

Either way, this would fall into my "Let's see what happens when he comes home" catagory. If a man can't control his women situation when he's inside and has not much else to do, how's he going to control it when he's got the stresses of life to add to his plate? Take your love for him, tuck it into your heart, write him a "poop or get off the pot" letter, and let it ride. Go about your life and live it strong, and well. Once he's home, let him EARN your love, your devotion, and your essence. Right now, I'd say he's got his cake and eating it too, and that's just not right.

Good luck!

Kristie

[Munequita]

Irisheyes,
I understand where you are coming from and I thought about all of those things, but his family and him has reassure me that he loves me very much, he wants me to get closer to his family, friends and above all his children, how will I think that he doesn't love me if he wants to marry me and wants me to know everyone in his family, he has even asked her to let his son get close to me, I don't think he has feelings for her, it's that he loves his son very much and she has control of the situation out here, but he has reassured me and his family when he comes home he will fight for his son on his terms even if that means taking her to court. I can't ask him not to see his son even if that means her taking him, it hurts I admit it but, I think it has more to do with insecurities of mines, and I have come to a decision this morning after hearing his voice of dissapointment and feeling hurt, I cannot do this to him or myself, I know that if our love is strong enough we will survive all of this mess. She is only playing games, and that is what I have to see it as, I'm not that type of person, so I will not feed into it. I adore him, and I will fight for our love. Today, it is a brighter day for me.
But, thank you for your respond.

[only_yourz]

boy...i hope everything works out for u...u going threw this makes u much stronger then i, for i dont think i'd let him play with me in such a manner i mean words are one thing, but hey love happens when we least expect it, dont mind his ex or her mom keep ur head up an enjoy what u have when he comes home i hope u all have a good bond family wise.
i do pray everything works out 4 u an him an also ur son.

[Munequita]

only_yourz
Thank you so much for your supportive words, it is hard but, I know we will get through this.

[Maggie12]

wow, sounds like you have a lot going on. I can only tell you a little about my situation, which isnt quite as complex. My fiance and i were together for 1 1/2 years before he was arrested. He also cheated on me for about 3 months before i found out. I spent so much time consumed with suspicion and jealousy and fear, it drove me insane. Yes, he made a horrible decision when he cheated. But i know my man better than he knows himself. He is so sorry and i know he wont do it again. It took me walking away for him to realize what he was going to loose, and i guess thats when it clicked for him. he spent months trying to earn back my trust, and when i decided to forgive him, i had to let it go entirely. keeping those fears will only cause trust issues in your relationship. If you really do forgive him and you really are ready to move on, than make that choice and let it go. But it kinda sounds to me like you still have doubts. you cannot pretend they are not there, you must address them.

As for his ex, she sounds like a real pill. have confidence in your love and your man. don't let her make you insecure. if he is telling you he loves you and his family reassures of that, walk around your office with your head high. she is jealous of you!

Obviously our men are in prison for a reason, before their arrests, they didn't exactly make the wisest choices. I believe that my fiance has learned about the consequences of poor choices and i dont think he will make a choice to lie, cheat, or break the law again. Good luck!!

[Patty]

I'd be so gone. Sorry I want to encourage you really I do. I'm just keepin' it real, TOO MUCH DRAMA and why can't his family bring the little one to visit? Because she wants to lay claim to him and clearly she ain't havin' it. You have trust issues with this man from the past, clearly you have good reason.

This is HIS call and as long as things continue this way clearly you are fighting an uphill battle. Life is too short but yanno what? Regardless of what he does you gotta do you and you are a worthwhile person with or without him. Don't let this relationship define who you are let YOU do that. Whatever path you take I wish you much joy and love!

All the best,
Patty

[Munequita]

Well, this morning has been very difficult for me because I have upset him so much yesterday morning that he has not called since then, my words where hurtful and he has a big final coming up this wednesday from his class and I was very unsensitive about the whole situation we are having, I was so upset that I told him that she is feeding him crap and he is eating it, which I think it is true but he is doing it with his eyes open about it because he knows what she is doing and what she is up to. He send me some picture this past weekend and I have compared them from the one he send me a year ago and from about several months ago when I went to visit and he looks so different, he looks happy, confident, all of his fear and his guards have gone down, and now with me being such a nagging woman, I hope I haven't put him where he was before, he tells me that I'm the one who makes him so happy, and until I didn't see those pictures I didn't believe it, I even made him into a poet, a very romantic man, he thanks me for all of it for being his inspiration. I love him very much and now I'm very hurt because, I hurt him dearly, he so upset with me that he hasn't call me which is not like him, he calls me every morning before we go to work. I miss his call, his voice, I send him 2 letters apologizing for my actions, I hope he can forgive me for those harsh words. I guess being through so much out here, at work being surrounded by these two woman who are trying their best to put me down, that I have taken it out on him, which is what they want and I'm letting them win. How stupid of me. I hope he calls me and I can apologize to him. After so many years we found eachother, why would we thow it away. I hope he can think that too for himself.

[esnshahada]

I agree with HOTLATINA....it is too much drama. My ex did two years in prison, but prior to him getting locked up we were not together he was with someone he had just met. He wrote me and we spoke often, but I didn't go see him at all. His new girlfreind was head over heels in love with him she visted him on a regular basis, she did the entire bid with him. But when he came home, he came right to me. He said that he liked the girl and he enjoyed her companionship, but his heart was with me. He claims it took him awhile to realize this, but I believe he just did not want to hurt her feelings. When he first came she was angry and hurt, because she had invested so much of her time. I really felt bad for her, but it wasn't my fault.

[Munequita]

esnshahada, I understand what you are saying and with you it was a bit different than what is going on with me right now, my boyfriend has been in the prison system for over 5 years and he has never had any support from his ex, she didn't want to take her son, his son to see him. I have been in contact with him for 1 year as friends and now on June is when we became more, I have been there for him as a friend and if that is what he wanted more than I happy I would've been, he was the one who always encouraged and hoped that we become more than just friends, but when I went to see him on June, I fell in love with him as soon as I saw him, he wouldn't use me that way, he never did this past year, why start now, it doesn't make any sense. About his son, she has sent him with his family before but, now that she found out about me, she refuses to.
I hope that our love and faith on eachother is stronger than anything it's throw at us.

[questioning]

I do NOT think u should marry him in prison, wait and then WAIT SOMEMORE because people can appear as they are not; he could be just what u were waiting for when he get's out but that could wear off in a mo. or two once he's got more things going...not to make u stress more or anything but just try & wait.
That really sucks that he's talking to the other woman all the time even when u are at work. Does he ever talk to you at work isn't it the same place? If the girl is u'r friend at all or respects u and she isn't wanting to be w/ him then why doesn't she give u a ride to visit him? u can go in seperate once u are there. Maybe even offer to pay her some $$ for the ride. If there is nothing going on then there should be no or a tolerable amount of tension between u right? and if you are going to be with him looks like u will have to deal w/ her no matter what, because she has his son.
If she isn't willing to be nice to you and continues to see him and disrespect u by visiting soo long then there is something wrong. Even if he might only have small feelings for her and more for you and says otherwise that can signal later he might find another one on the side when u guys have problems. I don't want to upset u or judge, but at least don't marry him in prison.
Unless maybe if he takes her off the list, and u really have a strong relationship and doesn't talk to her altogether because she is not corroperating and screwing w/ u. Actually even then wait!!!!!!
It sucks that the kid can't might not see his dad if he takes her off the list but he is in prison, not with her, and he's already not seeing him all the time on the outs and maybe he might just have to wait 'till then and she shouldn't be laying a guilt trip on him. And he can at least wait 'till he's out for u. U are waiting for him and considering these things even with all the poo. I don't care if the kid's screaming for daddy, it's screwed up but then it's her fault she let it get to that. Is she going to be there everytime the kid has visiting time with u'r new husband on the outs?? Plus u were 17 when together I'm guessing 25 at the most now, lovey hormones that are clouding the truth might still be there, hehe. Sorry if I'm offending u in anyway but this is my view on this. Remember put you first and everyone is happier. Hopefully there are no alterier motives for wanting to get married in prison too. Eigther way hope everything works out!

[Munequita]

You have read my thoughts, because since he suggested it I was a bit against it, I would like for us to wait until he gets home, then we can have our dream wedding, which he says that he will give even if we do get married in prison, He will give a second wedding with our family and friends. But, I am a bit scared about the whole thing, I talk to him about it and I say yes all the time but, my heart is telling me to wait because this will be our first wedding for both of us and I don't want to remember that way. I don't think he has an alterier motive in marrying me, he won't gain any material things from me, or a short term in prison. He called me yesterday evening and guess what? She wrote to him, he told me that she wrote to him about their son,but we know why she is doing it.
I also hope everything turns out well for us.

[Munequita]

He did suggested for me to go up with her, but I said no, like an idiot. I guess is because I will feel uncomfortable spending a whole day with her, we don't see eye to eye. But, over the weekend I asked him if he was being honest about the suggesting, he said yes but, he didn't asker because she will say no. I asked him why you suggested it to me if you knew she will say no and you wasn't planning to? His answer was that he wants me to know that he is not playing any games with me that if it could be possible for me to go with her, he won't mind. So I told him to suggest it to her, but I felt confused about the situation so I said to forget about it and now I'm regretting it. Should I ask him again or should I just leave it alone?

[questioning]

Sounds like she's a little scary/ intimidating to both of u. So what is the reason he wants to marry u in prison? just to prove he wants to be with u or maybe a little craziness? He can wait! Do u want to applly for conjegul (sp?)visits that bad? It's not going to make it any easier for u to get a ride there and visit. You know all this. Really, the main thing is he visits that other chick too much! Again ,I think he needs to tell her and act-take her off the list if she does not lay off. If not, it is obvious he isn't taking u'r relationship sooo seriously. There are a lot of maybes. I figured going with her would NOT be a pleasent or easy option for you to want to try and do. Just don't worry too much about the whole entire thing and most important don't jump into anything even after he's out!!!! Now, I'm not a fan of Dr. Phil but maybe he'd be better at helping u with this. Take care alright!
-You could try to ask her though or him again. It doesn't hurt to ask. If she gets all stupid it's expected.

[Munequita]

It does sound like a Dr. Phil show, I do have alot on my plate. But, I have become stronger these past couple of days. Right now what is getting more difficult is that I miss him very much, I'm very angry lately about everything and with everyone. I'm angry that I don't own a car to go see him, I'm angry that I don't have any money right now to rent a car and go see him this weekend, I'm angry that he is in there,
I don't know what is going on with me, but I have been feeling very angry lately.

Have any of you guys felt this way, felt stuck and hopeless?

[nimuay]

Oh yeah, we've been angry! Many of us, many times. With everyone and everything.

[Munequita]

How can I over come these feelings?