# 2--Are you Raising Kids with their parent in Prison?

[jnwinnie]

Hi Im Jessica. My husband was arressted 2 and half weeks before our daughter Zoe was born. Zoe is now a year old and he is in prison. He has yet to expeirence what it truly means to be a parent. He only gets visits here and there with her... he gets all the cards he should and a million pictures. He wont know what it truely means to be a daddy until he comes home in 2 years.... my daughter walks around our house carrying his picture and kisses daddys face all day long....

[DLA1969]

Originally Posted by KrazyK8

Hi I am Kate and I have a 3 yearold son whose father has been in and out over the last 4 years (mostly in) and it is very stressful, we argue about alot of things and at times I get angry because he tells me I am doing something wrong as a parent but i think well he is not here to do it his way. I used to tell my son that his daddy was at work but he is VERY advanced and has figured it out by himself ( hello he watches prison break and CSI with me) I feel overwhelmed at times and want to rip my hair out but I figure at least I am here for my son and not talking bad about his father EVER really helps.

K8

I understand you are stressed. I am going through the same thing. I would not allow my children to watch Prison Break. Not something they need to see at such a young age. Turn on Nickelodeon or Cartoon Network instead for your son.

[bld_64504]

My name is Brandi and my children father was sentanced to prison in April of 2007 and will be in till 2012.. I am struggling to support my children financially. I have 2 kids ages 11 and 4, I tried to get help from the state and at $11.36 an hour they say I make to much money to get assistance. This is so frusturating.. I was wondering if anyone else has faced this?

[amber_alexa]

Hello this is great. i have been looking for this site since my mom told me about it. my husband is a in jail currently and then he goes to a facility called safp. This is the first time since i was 15 that i have been away from my husband more than one night. we are going on 5 months away from each other and he still has about six months before transfer and 9 in safp. we have a four year old daughter who i am sad to say is to smart for her own good. she understands everything that is going on. she remembers why her daddy is in trouble in the first place. she was only two. my husband is a wonderful father. he was a stay at home father for a year and a half. so now for my daughter not to have him at all well..... it has sent her into a depression. can you belive i said that at 4 years old my daughter is depressed. she is becoming angry......okey well i wont babble my last few months to you but i must say i am so glad i found something like this. if you have any suggestions for:

A. my daughter....i am lookin into therapists
B. if any of you have heard of safp please let me know everything you know.

We are all a little scared.

[Mrs.Cuellar]

Originally Posted by bld_64504

My name is Brandi and my children father was sentanced to prison in April of 2007 and will be in till 2012.. I am struggling to support my children financially. I have 2 kids ages 11 and 4, I tried to get help from the state and at $11.36 an hour they say I make to much money to get assistance. This is so frusturating.. I was wondering if anyone else has faced this?

Girl I know the feeling I have three daughters and thier dad my hubby is in and the state well they only help you if you don't help yourself I guess which is ignorant because the ones who are working and struggling are told sorry you aren't that bad and they move on to the next person who is eleigible and it is very sad they haven't came up with a program for prisoners families. But don't be discourged you aare doing it and you and your children are alive and well and that is what matters. See i have had to cur back on alot of material things abd then they simply didn't matter as much as they used to, you know three daughters have alot of wants but I have given them a big brain to know hey thats not cheap lets try this route and save some money and we have all learned to be happy with where we are.

[lovemybabe]

Hello...I have a six year old daughter, a daughter about to be 1 on the 25th of September, and a son due on 10-13. I never realized how difficult it could be alone. I currently moved back in with my parents until our son is born. However, both work all day so the help is very limited. Although We have been honest with our 6 year old, I know she can not comprehend what is really going on. I show my one year old daddy's picture constantly throughout the day just to be sure she remembers his face. That is one of my biggest fears. As for our son due in October, he's going to miss the birth. It saddens me beyond belief. I am doing my best to stay strong for our children and our family. It's a hour by hour day by day focus that keeps me moving forward. I know the lord only gives you what you can handle, but when I hit my knees to pray I sometimes feel so overwhelmed by the given circumstance at hand, and the fear that I may not raise our babies right. The fear of effect is overwhelming.

[Jo_missn_Po]

Hi, My name is Joely, and lovemybabe, I really understand what you going through. My husband has been in the system for the past almost 2 months. But I have been basically preparing for this happening since his arrest in Jan. We have 3 boys, ages 6 yrs, 3 yrs and 2 yrs. To our surprise found out I was pregnant in May, though we didn't have his court date yet, we knew he was not going to have any part of this baby. He was never one to be hands on when it came to rasing the boys, but he is their dad. Now I am preparing to be a single mom of 4 boys and it is a bit over whelming since the only support I will have is his parents. My eldest boy understands and I have been honest with him about what has happen. The younger ones just think he is away. Since work kept him away alot before, it's nothing they are not use to. But now 2 months the 3yr old is starting to question why he is not here in his way. Although, he hasn't realize the depth of the situation. A toddler shouldn't. We are planning our first visition this weekend. Maybe now that they see him and are told he can't come back with us, they might understand a bit more and it will start to hurt.
Lovemybabe, only with the Lord can we raise them right. With prayer, your parents and the love of you children , you will have the strength that you need. I'm scared to think of what may happen when I give birth and have to go back to work right after. I am all these boys have now and I have to provide their needs. But I know with the Lord on my side, it is possible. Time will pass and you will see how much you can do and be amaze at how strong you get. But it is day by day. Good Luck! and God BLess you all!

[TXtoCAmatthew]

I have 2 young boys. Their mother self-surrendered yesterday to Victorville FCP. Ryan is 3 years old, and baby Adam is only 2 months. I can't even get my head around the damage this is going to do to them over the next 12 months...

[Three2Me]

My husband just got put away for a year. I had just given birth to a little girl the day before he got locked up. We also have 8 year old twin girls. Right now they just think daddy is away working because his job kept him away before. But I dont know how to deal right now. I have never known anyone who has been locked up. Plus I am going through that post partum depression stuff. Glad I found this place to chat with people though

[andj18]

hello
my name is alyssa
i have a two month old son and his daddy is in Prison For three-ish years.
im scared that since he was incarcerated when my son was just a newborn and he wont be out until hes like three that he wont know who his dad is. i want them to have a strong bond. i dont know what to do.

[merv]

I am raising my husbands and mines children while he serves his time. Our children are 17 and 12 and we love him so much. It is difficult at times because he has always been such a part of their lives. It is difficult when he has to miss their activities or something happens and they need their daddy, but we are hanging in there.

[Loveless_4lyfe]

Hey my name is Sarah and my fiance of 4 years is in prison for another 4 years we have a 4 year old daughter Emi that last seen him over a year ago when he went into prison. i was also was pregnant when he went she is now 10 months her name is Haylee she has never seen him. the judge told me that i could not have any contact with him for 3 years becuase he got me into toruble cause the house was in my name. I struggle day to day with 2 kids but its ok they are the loves of my life. im happy they have at least one parent thats not an idiot ahahah. not funny but true. i just wish my girls could see there father

[GUELMARIS]

Well i am a mother of 3 children 7, 5, 2, my boyfriend and father of my youngest child and to the other 2 too because he has raised them as thems since the oldest was 2 and the other one 1 so they know him as their daddy well he has been in for a month and have several cases i dont really know when is he coming out but i can tell you that it has been hard to me as for my kids my daughter today when crying to the room after iasked her she sais i miss my daddy he is my frien and my heroe i love him mami and she broke my heart i told them all that is is working and since he always got jobs were he had to traveled the been good with the excuse but know its getting harder and i dont know how to tell them in school they dont know nothing yet please help me

[WaitinginSD]

Hi,
I'm Joyce. My husband was sentenced this week to 3 yrs this week. We have a daughter who will be three next month. She says he is "gone" and is having a hard time with it. Me too.

We live in San Diego, and have not heard from him yet, or even where he got sentenced to. We were hoping for Donovan down here in SD.

Joyce

[luvly_butterfly]

Well i'm glad i came across this thread..... I have a total of 5 children..2 of their dads are incarcerated. My son who is 12..I told my son where's he's at and why...He does write to him, but his father is still as stubborn as the day he went in...and hasn't changed one bit.. My daughter who is 10..her father is also incarcerated..He pretty much raised my children and we love him to death...My son talks more to him than his own father..I explained to my daughter where her father is and that he loves her very much...and that maybe one day he'll be home..

Yesterday I found out she went and spoke with her guidance counselor because she felt that she couldn't talk about her daddy at home, and that certain things she couldnt' say b/c it would upset my current bf who i live with...This made me HIT the damn roof..and really made me realize why the hell I need to get on my feet and get out of this current relationship.

I don't ever want my kids to feel like they can't talk about their dads in front of me b/c of whoever. I had a long conversation with my current b/f and I pretty much just let him know it ain't going to work out..i know I don't love him anymore..and i'm just hanging around b/c I need to get stable on my feet...He pretty much just shrugged it off..whic is fine with me..

Bottom line is its hard enough as it is to raise the children on your own...I don't need anyone being negative towards my kids, just b/c their dad got locked up ...it doesn't mean they are a piece of s&**.....it just means they made the wrong decision and regarldess of the fact that is their dad and that will NEVER change!

I made the mistake of letting a relationship ruin the relationship with my kids and their dad..and I will NEVER do it again...

[luvly_butterfly]

Originally Posted by WaitinginSD

Hi,
I'm Joyce. My husband was sentenced this week to 3 yrs this week. We have a daughter who will be three next month. She says he is "gone" and is having a hard time with it. Me too.

We live in San Diego, and have not heard from him yet, or even where he got sentenced to. We were hoping for Donovan down here in SD.

Joyce

Well we have two things in common...men in prison..and our names ....I'm joyce too As long as you talk to your daughter..she will start to understand...you'd be surprised how much they know at that young age...keep your head up.

[futurewife]

I am currently engaged to a man who was just sentenced to 6 years in prison. Even though he is not my 4 childrens biological father he is "daddy". Their real father has had nothing to do with them in years now another man isn't totally in the picture. So they blame themselves alot. He writes to them constantly and they write back too. We keep them included in everything. Its hard on them because of the holidays and they don't have a daddy around like most families around here do. But we are adjusting. Lots of pictures back and forth are all we can do for now though.

[Daisy29]

This will be a very long first post! Just really need a place to vent!

I have an unusual situation…..my husband and I are raising my Uncle’s 11 yr old twin daughters (my first cousins) along with our own 2 children. A little over a year ago, their father died unexpectedly (right in front of them) and their mother is in a federal prison until 2016. When he died, we didn’t know the girls well due to his lifestyle, but out of all the family members we were the best fit for them. It has been an amazing year and these girls are now like my own daughters. This was the best thing we could have ever done for us and for them. Their parent love(d) them but the lifestyle they were living was definitely having an affect on the girls and they have just blossomed over the last year.

The hard part has been how to deal with their mother…we have never met her in person. She has been in prison since late 2005 (the girls were about 8) and is not schedule to be released until 2016 (girls will be 18-19). They have had regular contact with her by phone and mail. They were told she was in prison but not much else. Initially, she would talk to them like she was just gone on vacation and would be home any day. We thought that was wrong given their ages and told her that they needed to know some of what was going on and when she was really coming home. She eventually agreed and we (my husband and I) started talking to them…she never has. Basically, we just have tried to get them to understand that she will not be home until they are adults and just a little about why she is there…no real details, just bad drugs and bad choices. She still continues at times to talk to them like she will be home next week which is confusing for them.

I find myself felling a little bitter and angry towards her (mom) I have been writing to her about once every 2 months with updates on how and what the girls are doing, but find it very hard to talk to her on the phone.

My head understands that she is their mother and the girls need and should have a relationship with her. I do my best to be encouraging and understanding and to not let them see any negative feelings from me about her.

My heart feels completely different. I feel so overly-protective of these girls. They have been through so much in their lives and yet have stayed so sweet and innocent. They have somewhat of a “fantasy” view of their live with her (and with their dad) and I know what the reality was. She wasn’t there for them, she put them in danger with her life and her choices when she was with them. She still doesn’t think that she has done anything wrong and that she is where she is because of other people’s mistakes, not her own. She talks to them like they are still 8 years old and gushes on and on about all the wonderful things she will do with them when she comes home like they will still be 8 years old when she does. Again, my head understands that this is how she copes. I know she loves them. I am just so angry at her that they even have to be in this situation and that she just doesn’t deserve the “adoration” from them when she doesn’t even have any remorse for what she has done. She responds to my letters with weird little stories about what a wonderful family they were….again I know she is trying to justify things in her mind and probably feels a little threatened by our relationship with them.

The prison she is in is across the country from where we are at so visiting hasn’t been an issue yet. She keeps saying that she is trying to get transferred to a closer location (about 5 hours from us)….is that likely” That is another fear….the thought of having to take them there for visits scares me to death!! She refers to it as a “college dorm” atmosphere?!?!?!? Ok, my “middle class, suburban soccer mom” brain can’t comprehend that?? The thought of visiting a prison freaks me out! College dorm-like or not, its still a prison!!

The girls are starting to get into “preteen” mode and all the emotions and drama that come with that and we worry about how they and we will handle things as they start to become more aware and start to truly understand the situation. One of the girls has started to randomly ask more question, so we know its on her mind.

Another thing on my long list of worries…..we had them in counseling for the first 4 months they were with us, but he didn’t things it was necessary to continue. He felt like they were handling things well and adjusting. I guess kids are resilient…still feel like one of the girls could use someone to talk to other than us at times.

I just worry about and question how I am handling things all the time…..
How do I raise these girls to be strong and confident and independent so that when she is finally released they can rebuild a relationship with her and still have their own lives?

Can she be released earlier? Her appeal was recently denied, but can she get an early release (federal drug charges and related) or will she definitely have to serve her full sentence? Will she be required to spend time in a halfway house afterwards? In the area of the prison or wherever she wants to go? Will she have a parole officer she needs to report to or will she just be free to go once she is released? She tells the girls she is going to relocate to our area when she is released so we can all be together. She has even mentioned us spending holidays together and that we (me and her) will be the best of friends?!?!?!?

Thoughts on how to handle visits to a prison if she is relocated?

Thanks for listening!
D29

[babyphat0220]

hi my name is Krystal and i have a 15 month old daughter named Timarrah and i am nine months pregnant with my son Tymirr ......and like so many others their father is inside. He was due to come home October 20th but there is a freeze on parole in pa so now we dont know. He has been in since april 2008 ..pretty much my whole pregnancy and it has been hard to think of raising two children by myself..i never thought i would have to. But did anyone really? i have just finished reading some of the other recent posts and i want to say anyone who has raised children by themselves for not just months but years needs to get an award ....especially those with children who are old enough to understand....i havent had to cross that bridge..mine are too young......stay strong girls

[mojosmom]

My name is Christy and im 21. I have a beautiful 17 month old daughter who's dad is in the prison system right now due to one of his many parole violations he keeps getting. He is located in Lansing correctional facility in Lansing, KS. He is supposed to get out again on November 28th but I dont know how that all is going to work out. I havent heard from him in a month and he barely writes me so sometimes I have no clue what he is up to. Thankfully, he gets off of parole next February, if he can stay out of trouble this may be his last time in the system. I am grateful that my little girl isnt old enough to understand that daddy is in prison and cant come around. Hes hardly ever been in her life as it is so him not being around doesnt affect her much and with any luck that will change. She was born in May of last year and he was sent to a half way house in Topeka, Ks not even a month later. Then in July of last year he was violated and was in until Oct, he and i didnt talk so he didnt see her during any of the time he was out between Oct and February of this year when he was violated again. He then got out on June and saw her for the first time in a year, only to have another violation creep up on him this past August, early September. Hes seen her a total of 2 times in the past year and maybe 2 weeks total her entired life. I feel very alone in raising her but its something I have gotten used to.

[jezterschick]

HI my name is Annette, my mother and father are both going to be sent to prison in 2009 and I will be taking in my 14 year old sister. It's been really hard on our family and I am really scared. I am 23 and don't know how I am going to raise my sister. I don't want her to follow the same path that our parents did.

[MRWWTF]

Annette hang in there. You are a very sweet person to take on the responsibility of your sister. I am raising a five month old by myself, while her father is in prison, and I am 33 and scared. I can't imagine being in your shoes.
First, your sister is 14. I am sure she knows the life your parents have led to land them in jail. Hopefully she realizes that and won't make the same mistakes.
Talk to her counselor at school and be proactive in her life.
I have an older sister and looked up to her constantly for how to live my life and how to be. Your sister will look at your example too.
Most importantly, for you seek some support as well. Whether it be here on PTO or with a support system in your own community.

[starr_poet]

i also have a 5 month old.. her daddy has a 5 year sentence.. we'll see

[heartbrokenwife]

My husband has been locked up since august 16th this year. He doesn't get out until February 15th, 2010, unless he goes to bootcamp ...I'm praying. We have been together 11 yrs and have six beautiful children together. They are 11, 8, 7, 5, 2, and 1. Four boys, and two girls. It is very difficult not only to be left as a single parent of 6. But I am resposible for six tiny little hearts that are so broken because they've never went even a night without their Daddy.I have to fight back my own tears to wipe away theirs. And it is the hardest thing I've ever done.

[patswife4-ever]

I don't think I have been to this thread yet!! What a wonderful thread it is!

Hi, my name is Kristin. My hubby has been in since 01/04/08 and is scheduled to be released 05/07/08 (fingers crossed)

We have, together, two kids, Austin is 6.5 and Emily is 3.5.

I also have a 15yr old daughter and he has a 16yr old son and a 15yr old daughter. His son is currently in a juvenile hall type program in Washington Although we want to see his kids as often as we can, his ex will just not allow it.

Yes, it is hard being a temporary single parent, but it sure is nice to have someplace to go where other people understand what you are going through and are supportive!!