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whichru · #1 08-17-2003, 09:36 AM

i'm not sure what i'm doing wrong. nobody wants to be my sponor.One said i had to wait untill i dident have any medical problems.but i'll always have medical problems i have lupus.
and i dont take medacation.
or its because im a herion addict. they even said no because i work to much. and now i'll be in school too i go to at least 2 meetings a week and i have over 3 years clean ive never done the steps or a program with someone and it dont look like im going to. i dont know what the problem is i look normal, i take a bath before i go and they still say no
help im getting fustrated

Trulykath · #2 08-17-2003, 09:42 AM

LOL@the bath remark

I have heard sponsoring with this type of thing is like looking for love....don't push it, it will just "happen."

Probably, the ones who have declined, weren't meant to sponsor you....you'll find the right one!!

Stay after it...and take care of you....!

kath

toi_ama · #3 08-17-2003, 10:27 AM

Till you find one whichru, I'll be happy to help you in any way you need help. I've got a condition similar to lupus and why that would keep anyone from sponsoring you is beyond me. I've had to take quite a bit of medication over the years and I'm still sober over 18 years later. You work too much? Because you're a heroin addict? What's the deal, anyway? We sponsor others to keep OURSELVES clean and sober for heaven's sake, not based on whether we can play God and figure out what the chances are that the other person is going to stay sober and clean. It's not ABOUT whether or not we think WE can get the person into recovery long term or whether their work habits and drug of choice meet our approval! I don't know what's happened to the program over recent years, but there's some 12-stepping going on that sure isn't what I was taught.

Flowerchild · #4 08-17-2003, 11:38 AM

Whichru, I'm just appalled that you've had this experience in AA! Please don't give up. I agree with Kath…they just weren't meant for you (& I wouldn't want them — they sound a little nuts). You just keep your eyes open for the one who has what you want; that will be the one. Perhaps you will find someone who has had a problem with heroin as well and your HP is having you wait for her. Anyway, in the meantime, as Toi, I'd be glad to be your online sponsor or co-sponsor w/her. PM me any time.

Keeping you in my thoughts & prayers,

Adrienne

kathy1104 · #5 08-17-2003, 12:15 PM

Have you ever tried a different group? My AA group has people addicted to drugs in it (including myself) but I'm told that some groups frown on the mention of drugs in an AA meeting. Personally I wouldn't go to a meeting like that, I guess I'm lucky that the first group I went to welcomes people with all addictions. Have you tried NA? I too am appalled that you were turned down by so many people, it makes me think maybe you're in the wrong group. But if you like the meetings then I'd suggest taking up Adrienne or Toi's offer.

toi_ama · #6 08-17-2003, 12:37 PM

OK I'm going to type in something from the AA 12 and 12 here:

Page 141 in the little tiny one I use. I think it's the same page in any size book, but here goes:

On the AA calendar, it was Year Two. In that time, nothing could be seen but two struggling, nameless groups of alcoholics trying to hold their faces up to the light.

A newcomer appeared at one of these groups, knocked on the door and asked to be let in. He talked frankly with that group's oldest member. He soon proved that his was a desperate case, and that above all he wanted to get well. "But, " he asked, "will you let me join your group? Since I am the victim of another addiction even worse stigmatized than alcoholism (my note: from the history books, I found out he was a heroin addict) you may not want me among you?"

There was the dilemna. What should the group do? The oldest member summoned two others, and in conference laid the explosive facts in their laps. Said he, "Well, what about it? If we turn this man away, he'll soon die. If we allow him in, only God knows what trouble he'll brew. What shall the answer be------yes or no?"

At first the elders could look only at the objections. "We deal," they said, "with alcoholics only. Shouldn't we sacrifice this one for the sake of the many?" So went the discussion while the newcomer's fate hung in the balance. Then one of the three spoke in a very different voice. "What we are really afraid of," he said, "is our reputation. We are much more afraid of what people might say than the trouble this strange alcoholic might bring. As we've been talking, five short words have been running through my mind. Something keeps repeating to me, 'What would the Master do?'" Not another word was said. What more indeed COULD be said?

Overjoyed, the newcomer plunged into Twelfth Step work. Tirelessly he laid AA's message before scores of people. Since this very early group, those scores have since multiplied themselves into thousands. (my note: now in 2003, into many millions). Never did he trouble anyone with his other difficulty. AA had taken its first step in the formation of Tradition Three.

My personal note:

I don't invite anyone who has other addictions but who wants to be an AA member to go to NA instead. I've known so many addicts who say they go to AA because they get more help there, and that being the case, I welcome them. While I don't believe an AA meeting should be turned into a discussion of drugs, I'm not willing to throw the baby out with the bath water. As long as the person wants recovery and is respectful of the fact that we primarily deal with alcohol, I don't see a thing wrong with that.

whichru · #7 08-17-2003, 04:59 PM

I really dont care what they call themselves aa or na or whatever. I have a problem with addiction same as "ALL" of them in both groups. I just want some help. And if they don't want to help me fine i'll look somewhere elese until i find it. Ive made it this far by myself and i'm not going to let buttholes keep me from finding peace. i'll try another meeting down the hill {na and aa} thanks all

toi_ama · #8 08-17-2003, 06:51 PM

That's the spirit girl! You're gonna make it with spirit and determination like that! Just hang in there and know that when someone doesn't sponsor you, it's a problem of theirs, not anything wrong with you.

kathy1104 · #9 08-18-2003, 07:49 AM

I didn't mean to step on any toes suggesting NA, it's just that I do go to both AA and NA meetings. My home group is a great AA meeting that welcomes people of all addictions, but sometimes I find the need to go to an NA meeting because I have a need to talk about or hear about things that are pretty specific to drug users. Especially in the beginning when I still had frequent urges to get hi, the urge to get hi (for me) was much stronger than the urge to drink, although the urge to drink came more often. At times like that I found NA to be more helpful to me. I'm glad you posted that story from the 12 & 12; I haven't read that in a long time. Sounds like it would be a good topic for a meeting in places where this might have been forgotten.

cherrie · #10 08-18-2003, 08:46 AM

Whichru,
It sounds like to me you got a few on here that are willing to help you with what you are wanting to do. I know it isn't like having a face to face sponsor but, I think that they have some wonderful recovery and could offer you some suggestions on things and how to do the things you are wanting to do in the program. Don't allow these others to become your reality you have alot going for you. It took me almost 4 yrs before I found the sponsor I had and God brought her and I together so trust your higher power Witchru he or she will bring you what you are needing. And I will be glad to help you too in anyway you might need it too. So hang in there. Stay strong!!!!

cherrie from tx

HONEY · #11 08-19-2003, 06:27 PM

I haven't had a drink in almost two weeks you guys. I do not know if I want to be sober. Do I need to know? I mean do I need to make it my priority? That is my question? I could be wasting your time, and I am Sorry whichru, All I want, that I know of from anyone is for them to share their experience, strength and their Hope with me. Also you guys I am sorry. And Cherrie, I have the daily devotional of the Language of Letting Go. Is that the book you meant?

HONEY

toi_ama · #12 08-19-2003, 07:29 PM

No apology necessary, Honey. When I got sober, I didn't really want to quit drinking, I just wanted to quit living the way I was living and if it meant I had to quit drinking, then I was willing to do that. I had to make it my #1priority because if I didn't, I couldn't have stopped. Only you can decide if your drinking is causing you problems and you want to stop. There are quite a few of us here for you if you ever need help with that.

toi_ama · #13 08-19-2003, 07:31 PM

And Kathy, you didn't step on my toes. I was just giving my feedback from my point of view. NA is a great program, too, and I'd never knock it. I think all the 12 step programs have their place.

kathy1104 · #14 08-20-2003, 07:19 AM

Honey I agree with what Toi said, only you can decide. For me, I was miserable when I was drinking and I was miserable when I wasn't drinking, alcohol & drugs had really beat me down and I didn't feel like I could get back up. I was in what seemed like a big mess with no possible way out. Finanically, Emotionally, Mentally, I was a wreck. I went to my first AA meeting with the intention that I had to regain some control, if I could just get this under control, quit for a little while, then I could drink & use normally "again". But I knew my life was such a wreck I had to try and quit. I had no intentions of quitting forever. However, after I hung around a while, got a sponsor & started working the steps, little things started changing in my life. My thoughts started changing, the way I look at life changed, and my idea of fun has changed. I am no longer restless, irritable & discontented (most of the time), and what a peace that has brought to my life! I'm no longer fighting all the time, most of the time I feel at peace. I can play with my daughter and enjoy myself acting like a kid again, and I don't have to be drunk to do it. I can remember what I did the night before, no more blank spots, I feel better, I have a much better relationship with my daughter, and I can deal with life so much better today. I never want to go back to my old way of life, the buzz just wasn't worth it, not for me. That's my experience, although it's kind of short (11-2-02 sobriety date) it's all I have.

cherrie · #15 08-20-2003, 07:43 AM

Honey, yes that is the book I was talking about. And I have to agree with Toi and Kathy. I didn't like the way my life was going and what I was doing. I couldn't stand to look at myself in the morning because I couldn't remember what took place the night before. So when I came into the program I was looking for a way to live that would give me hope, and strength and most of all I wanted to be able to have a relationship with my family that I was not able to have. I was basically disowned emotionally. So when I started doing the steps and working with a sponsor and started working with others it has truly been amazing how my life is today and if you would asked me back then what did I expect well my expectations were higher than the sky and today I don't have expectations what I have done is lower my them and raised my level of acceptance that I am an alcoholic and addict and by saying that today I am free from the hopeless state of mind I onced have. If you ever need to vent don't hesitate to keep posting as you need okay!!!!!

hugs,
cherrie from tx

sgp · #16 08-21-2003, 08:23 PM

Hello,
My fiance' is in federal pen and for a probation violation. The Judge sentenced him to 36 months and a drug rehab program
while he is in. Well he is not at a facility that has the program. What I want to know is what you guys are talking about when you say you need a Sponsor. Is this something that can help my fiance'? Can someone explain this to me please?

Sunnie · #17 08-21-2003, 09:23 PM

HEY!!!!!! whichru you have recieve marvelous advice and I will help you any way I can too.

the next time some ASSHOLE throws you being an addict in your face. YOu tell them that Dr. Bob a well-known surgeon was duel-addicted. In fact on the morning of June 10, 1935, he performed an operation on a patient after having a beer just to stop the shakes and never drank again after he went out and made some amends. There are rumours he died loaded, but until I find this I won't bite!!Dr. bob did pills, morphine, uppers downers you name it he did it!! His wife Anne and bill wilson's wife Lois started alanon and all the rest of the a's came from Alcoholics Anonymous. NA,CA, OA, SLA, etc. A woman by the name of Henrietta Seiberling introduced bill and bob on May 11, 1935. And thus to today!! thanks to bill and bob.

You will find the one you are looking for..she will find you.

until then..take the offers offered to you and you will be JUST fine!!

*Lysbeth* · #18 08-21-2003, 09:29 PM

sgp, I was about to try to answer your question about what is a sponsor... but I think I'll defer and let some of these folks that have done the major soldiering in AA and NA answer that one... they're a little more qualified than me since I've never "officially" had a sponsor in Al-Anon (tho my guy's mom the Al-Anon expert pretty much fills those shoes w/ me)...

So, you lovely ladies, for sgp - what is a sponsor?

toi_ama · #19 08-21-2003, 10:30 PM

Well, in the old days, a sponsor was someone who took a new person under their wing, helped them detox, find somewhere to live, and gave them rides to meetings. As time went on, that evolved into being something that people thought was necessary for all newcomers------it's been said that the custom began in treatment centers rather than in AA itself. (The word "sponsor" wasn't mentioned in the first 164 pages of the Big Book, although is mentioned in the stories in the back, but was first mentioned in the 12X12, although in a different context than it's meant now.) Then it became clever at speaker's meetings for people to complain about what a mean sponsor they had (this was tongue in cheek for the most part) so then newer people in the program (some of them) decided to become what I don't feel a sponsor should be and that's a dictator------so today you can find all sorts of "shades" of sponsors. But the ideal sponsor is there to answer questions for you and to share their experience, strength and hope with you on a one-on-one basis. They won't babysit you or do for you what you need to do for yourself and they won't tell you what to do, but they're there for you in all the ways that count and they'll share their experiences with you to help you decide what you need to do. They'll also love you till you learn to love yourself. You can be "sponsored" by many old-timers in meetings you go to regularly just by listening to what they say in meetings and going to them afterward with your questions or by going out for coffee with those in the group who go for coffee after meetings. Normally, your sponsor that you choose should be same-sex------those are the most effective sponsors and you're less likely to run into other problems that way. That's about it in a nutshell, huh? I hope I covered it well enough. Getting a sponsor isn't mandatory------it's one of the many things suggested in the programs that has helped most of us.

sgp · #20 08-23-2003, 12:17 AM

Thanks toi_ama,
Yes you did a great job. Now my question is: Will getting a sponsor for my fiance' help him at all while he's incarcerated, Since the Judge did sentence him to the drug program?

cjSweetwater · #21 08-24-2003, 01:09 AM

sgp...a sponsor is a great help whether you are inside the walls or out in the world. I am a substance abuse counselor in the prison system in Texas and we require our guys to attend AA (and or Anony) meetings as part of their program. It is good to have a sponsor inside. It would be especially helpful to find a sponsor on the outside before he gets out. That will help in the transition from prisoner to free man.

cjSweetwater · #22 08-24-2003, 01:13 AM

Whichru...keep looking...you have obviously not found the right meeting and the right people to hang with. Apparently they are having trouble with the a most important concept in recovery...you have to give it away to keep it. I promise there is someone out there...the Creator will lead you to him or her. There is nothing wrong with you...the problem lies with them. I too have Lupus. It's not a good thing, but we live with it and we go on. And I don't know about you, but I refuse to give an inch! I will live my life on my terms. You don't give up, hear me! You can do this!

smokinjaye · #23 09-03-2003, 03:10 AM

I am a newcomer to AA. Actually, I am a recovering drug addict who's had many relapses. I have been sober for only a little over 3 months now. I am 6 months pregnant and didn't know that for the first few months, I was expecting. I have a temperary sponcer until I can find one but I am willing to share him with you if you'd like. He has sponsered people like Chris Farley and Lane Stayley(ex-singer for Alice in Chains) etc. He's helped me so much and it is really hard for me, really hard but I am going to give him a call right now and I promise to try and help you find one. No one has offered to be mine either. but I will do my best and get back to you real soon, okay? Hang in there, I'm proud of you and hope I could be as strong. You are doing fantastic!!!

lovinbilly4ever · #24 09-03-2003, 02:37 PM

well, i got clean in santa cruz, cali. and EVERYTHING & YOUR MOTHER is in santa cruz. they have, AA, NA, CA, MA, OA (MA-is maryjane annonymous--oa is overeaters annonymous)...they have SA (sex addicts annonymous), umm thats all i can think of. BUT, maybe you should try a different group. like instead of trying to find an AA sponsor, go to a few NA meetings & see what the pickin's look like.

i am not sure if santa cruz is the only place to have CA (coke annonymous) but if they do..i have found that CA people (sponsor's or not) they are the most friendly, generous people....NOW, i am not narking on AA, or NA, but in SC (santa cruz) they have alot of the AA NAZI's or NA NAZI's...try CA. if not, then maybe you could shoot for a temp. sponsor. just someone to hold you over for a few weeks--or until you find a perm. sponsor.

anyways, good luck! maybe they arent looking to take on another sponsee? i know many people that have more then 1 sponsee. and they just get too busy. although most of them down here are very open & honest about those types of things.

but dont let it discourage you! good luck!

louiselaw · #25 09-16-2003, 11:34 AM

hello i,m new to this chat but i,m not knew to the program of Narcotics anonymous. I have a few years in now and the only thing that i can tell you is that you need to do what is best for you do not get down on yourself becouse no none in there will be your sponser. I,m here to help you in any way that i can and if possible i will sponser you on here if you have any thing that you need to talk about or questions that you need answers to please feel free to message me in private. My name is Louise and i firmly believe in one addict helping another.take care till i hear from you again my your higher power guide you through each day with ease