Notice to new members intending to register - from January 9th 2012

Amelia · #1 09-09-2003, 08:01 PM

I CAME ACROSS THIS SITE WHILE DOING SOME RESEARCH INTO STARTING A SUPPORT GROUP FOR THE CHILDREN. THEY HAVE SOME REALLY HELPFUL INFO.

http://www.fcnetwork.org/cpl/cplindex.html

love,
Amelia

hisheartztwin · #2 11-16-2003, 05:58 PM

Thanks for the info on the site, Im sure I'll use it alot!

Taenas · #3 08-27-2004, 06:37 PM

The info on this site has been helpful to me. I thank you for sharing!

ChandaMija · #4 09-14-2004, 10:49 PM

Thank you, Amelia, very much for the link... I'm thinking of being a foster mom for an inmate's child.

horsegal · #5 02-19-2005, 06:55 PM

Thanks for the link, I put it in my favorites. There is a lot of good info, and advise on that web site!

NC_Peaches · #6 04-08-2005, 05:27 PM

My thanks also, we are raising my son's son who is 4 now. He was 6 mos when my son was arrested and almost 3yrs old before my son was tried and imprisoned. I took my grandson every week to the county jail and tried to keep the bond tight during that entire time...this was from behind glass. We didn't get to touch my son when he needed us most.

When my son was sent for processing we went to visit him and he and his son got to touch for the first time since he was 6 mos old...needless to say I will always have that picture in my mind for the rest of my life.

Also, during that time of non touching...my daughter in law went wild and left their son with her Aunt until the Aunt tried to take custody of him. When we discovered this we had a custody case to deal with too...which we won. The day our grandson was given to us by the court was also the same day my daughter in law was put in prison for probation violation...she served 2 and a half years. In spite of all she did we worked with her mother so her son could visit her. We heard all the classic "stories" of how she is going to be the best mother ever when she comes home. She lasted 3 months on probation ... it's now been 8 months since she came home and she is pregnant by a guy who physically abuses all women he has relationships with ... she also is still in hiding because she is an absconder.

So anyway...I look for stories and ariticles and advice everywhere to help us raise our grandson to be a good man...he will be 9 when his daddy comes home.

kittylitter · #7 04-11-2005, 08:39 AM

Where does one find resources, ways to live, ways to care for your children while you're incarcerated? I find myself in a position where my husband cannot afford enough rent on his own, plus child care for two small children. It's not working out to live with my parents at all, and I just don't know where to turn.

I sold my house in another state, but my husband is still there working. I've moved to another state, to a house my parents bought, but if it doesn't work out, do I go back to the other state? Do I find resources here in this area? Do we look for another area? Does anyone know of a support system for one parent with small children, who needs some help to get thru this time?

suzeg3 · #8 08-01-2005, 03:49 PM

Awesome website, thanks!

kathycain · #9 12-15-2005, 02:11 AM

Thank you for the information, added to my favorites list.

jrin99 · #10 07-17-2006, 10:19 AM

Have you guys ever done Angel Tree? It is a program that provides inmates a way to give their children christams gifts at christmas time. Check it out at angeltree.org/site_hmpg.asp the founder also has a very interesting story. You can learn more about it at marykaybeard.com

miamio · #11 08-24-2006, 11:50 AM

My daughter and boyfriend are incarcerated in Colombia.Its been 14 months and they will be there 4-5 years more.This was suppose to have been a 2 week vacation which turned out to be a tragic nightmare,I took their daughter who was then just about 4.She is now 5.all this time,I have never heard her cry or ask about her parnets,until the past 2 nites,She was sobbing.I was broken hearted,She is a very happy kid and lives on our farm.She is in contact with her mother every week(calls,letters,gifts) and believes her parents are working in Colombia.Now I do not know what to do.A pyschologist friend told me to tell her the truth(age apropriate).I do not want to fly there with her.Its too dangerous and would be too traumatic.Her father is a loser and has not contacted her much.I do not talk about him at all.My daughter is very loving and attentive,but enables the low life all the time.I stopped supporting him,cause he has dissed his child.His family diss each other.I just do not know how to handle this grief of hers that has surfaced.I am angry at them both.I try to conmfort.thats all I can do.My anger is getting worse,but she does not see it.I am upbeat for her sake.The school does not know the situation,cause I do not want people to take it out on her the next few years of school.The child was uprooted from her home and friends and parents.all cause of their greed.I just want to hear how others in my shoes cope in handling the emotional stabillity of the kids.Please do not tell me prayer.I need answers to give this child.

ricksgal · #12 08-24-2006, 06:16 PM

I understand what you're going thru. My son is 5 and his dad has been gone most of his life and having to decide how and when and what to tell him is very hard. Everyone has their own opinions on the situation. The best advise I can give is to just answer questions as honestly as possible, but don't elaborate. My son doesn't know where his dad is even though we go visit every so often. I feel the burden of him knowing dad is in prison is too much. He does ask questions about where daddy is and why the have police officers where he lives. I just answer with dad has to live away from us for now. He actually calls it daddy's work, which is some what true because he does work there as well. I tell him the police are there to keep us safe. They are honest answers. If she does come out and ask if her parents are in jail, I'd tell her the truth, but not go into it too much. Just always assure her her mom loves her and will come home as soon as she can. If she's like my child, the crying spells at night will come and go. That's just part of it I think. Also assure her mom's not away because of something she did. And talk about her mom as much as she wants too. We talk about daddy every day. Things he likes to do, foods he likes, etc. Just stay positive for her and it will be fine! And don't doubt the power of prayer. If in doubt, ask God for guidance and He will help you thru! Good luck!

jltnddt4life · #13 05-05-2007, 09:52 PM

WOW! Thank you so much for that site. I have a step son that just turned six, his dad is incarcerated and his mom steped out of his life when he was 2 1/2. I have now had two other children with this man. one is 1 1/12 the other 5 mons. It has been really hard on the oldest boy, he calls me mom and I treat him as if I gave birth to him my self. He has really had a hard time with his dad leaving us and I think this site may have the questions & hopefully answers i often find myself trying to find. Thank you again!!

Valentina · #14 05-05-2007, 10:03 PM

Thanks for the info. I am forwarding the link to my friends with young kids. 1 in 40 children have a parent in prison? That is just outrageous!

peppalbatross · #15 07-09-2007, 12:31 AM

That is a very helpful site. I will be sending my grandmother the link. She is taking care of my brother and sister right now.

jaydonsmommy · #16 07-28-2007, 04:40 PM

thanks alot this site is great!

heathsjoey · #17 08-13-2007, 06:23 PM

The website you posted is awesome and will help our kids so much . . . Thank You for posting it.

cmone97 · #18 11-29-2007, 06:47 PM

Thanks very much.

mrsadams · #19 12-01-2007, 01:47 PM

Thank u so much 4 that site. I have 2 kids 5 and 7 months and though I am a very stong woman I have the hardest time explaining things to my 5 year old. I have been a stay at home mom since giving birth to my 7 month old and now I have to go back to work to support my children. As if daddy leaving home wasn't enough things still and constantly will be changing. This really helps. thank u!!

JJT · #20 08-21-2008, 08:24 AM

I just came across it! I am glad that it was already posted on PTO!!

Thank you!

JJT

FINALLY OUT · #21 08-21-2008, 11:53 AM

It's Really Rough To Try To Explain Things Like This, Especially Because They Know And Understand So Much More Than We Think They Do. My Kids, Ages 9 And 12, Knew Pretty Much All The Details Before We Told Them What Was Going On. All You Can Do Is Be There To Answer Questions, Listen, Adn Be A Supportive Shoulder Fro Them. Some Schools Have A Support Group For Children Of Incarcerated Parents. In Wisconsin, There Is A Group Called St. Rose. They Bring The Kids For Visits, And Then Have A "talk Session" Afterwards For The Kids To Ask Questions And Talk About How They Feel. Check Child Welfare Websites For Something Like That In Your Area. And Good Luck.::

mjeanine · #22 04-01-2009, 03:21 PM

thank you very much for this forum topis and all info i am going to be gaining custody of my best friends son very soon (crossing my fingers) as the mother passed away two years ago and i lost contact with the father hwo is incarcerated....finally we are back together again and i am going to fight for my godson......along with raising my own son..same age..both boys are 4yrs old....thank you

jillie · #23 01-30-2010, 09:39 AM

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through all this. How wonderful you can be there for your granddaughter.

My background is in counseling, and I can give you a little feedback and advice I hope will be useful. First, I would suggest you tell her a very simple version of the truth. Mommy and Daddy broke a law in Colombia, and so they have to go live in jail for a few years. A jail is a big house, where they live with other people, and they are not allowed to leave for a period of time. They did something wrong, and it's kind of like being in time out. Even good people sometimes do wrong things, like a little girl might hit a friend, or tell a lie. Most grownups remember to obey the rules, but mommy and daddy broke the rules and got in grownup trouble. You wish it had not happened, and sometimes you feel a little bit sad and angry, and you understand that she will feel sad and perhaps mad sometimes, too. It's okay to be mad the people you love.

I can hear how angry you are with her dad, understandably, but she remembers him, so you probably should include him in the conversation, at least a little. Not in terms of blaming him, just a little general information, as in: he's in a jail for boys and mom's in a jail for girls. Then if you want, focus most of the conversation on mommy. Say how much mommy misses her, and how much she loves her, and how glad mommy is that your granddaughter is able to have a good life with you. Mommy wants her to have fun and play and learn, and in the future they will be together again.

It is very important for your granddaughter to hear explicitly that her parents did not abandon her because of anything she did - that it was out of their control. They made a serious mistake, but they did not want to be separated from her and they would be with her if they could. She is the most beautiful thing in her mommy's life, and in your life, and her job is to be happy and grow up and you're there to help her do that. Children usually believe whatever happens in their lives is because of them (it's part of their ego-development and how they develop their sense of self), so even if she never says that, she will be worrying about it. If mommy left me, maybe it's because I am not lovable.

You might tell her a brief version of this in one sitting, then let it be part of an ongoing conversation. Small children absorb information over time, in increments. And because children of this age have such a rich fantasy life, they often mix up reality and fantasy. You may hear her recite a very mixed-up version of the story later on, to you or to someone else, and you may want to go back and re-explain parts of the story. Remember her main reality is her here and now life with you, so I'm certainly not suggesting you focus a huge amount of time and attention on this. But she does need a framework in which to put the experience she is having.

Also, I would encourage her to draw a lot of pictures and express herself through play. You might get her some little dolls to represent her and her parents and you and whoever else is constant in her life. Let her do all the playing and don't try to guide the action. Just let her express her inner conflicts through play and you can listen and understand. If she displays some deep misunderstanding, factual or emotional, you can give her the correct information. But generally, play is how children work out their inner feelings, so just offer her tools and let her express. You'll probably find her artwork to be very revelatory of how she feels and what is going on inside.

Finally, children are immensely sensitive to the emotions of their caregivers. The more you heal, the more healing is available to her. I know you must be experiencing your own grief and anger, and perhaps even some guilt (guilt seems to be an inevitable, if irrational, thing for mothers). It is important for you to have support, perhaps through counseling, or at least having someone to whom you can talk and vent. And you must be worried about your daughter's well-being, too, and you need someone to listen to that. Then your emotional field will be more open to take care of this little girl.

Abandonment and grief are an inevitable wound, from which you cannot protect her. But you can show her and tell her that you will never abandon her, that's she's totally safe with you. And you can give her permission to express her grief, and comfort her as she does.

I wish you all the best.

Quote:

Originally Posted by miamio

My daughter and boyfriend are incarcerated in Colombia.Its been 14 months and they will be there 4-5 years more.This was suppose to have been a 2 week vacation which turned out to be a tragic nightmare,I took their daughter who was then just about 4.She is now 5.all this time,I have never heard her cry or ask about her parnets,until the past 2 nites,She was sobbing.I was broken hearted,She is a very happy kid and lives on our farm.She is in contact with her mother every week(calls,letters,gifts) and believes her parents are working in Colombia.Now I do not know what to do.A pyschologist friend told me to tell her the truth(age apropriate).I do not want to fly there with her.Its too dangerous and would be too traumatic.Her father is a loser and has not contacted her much.I do not talk about him at all.My daughter is very loving and attentive,but enables the low life all the time.I stopped supporting him,cause he has dissed his child.His family diss each other.I just do not know how to handle this grief of hers that has surfaced.I am angry at them both.I try to conmfort.thats all I can do.My anger is getting worse,but she does not see it.I am upbeat for her sake.The school does not know the situation,cause I do not want people to take it out on her the next few years of school.The child was uprooted from her home and friends and parents.all cause of their greed.I just want to hear how others in my shoes cope in handling the emotional stabillity of the kids.Please do not tell me prayer.I need answers to give this child.

UserNamesRCrazy · #24 02-26-2010, 11:05 PM

Wow! Great answer.

I was thinking that the woman should be upset with her daughter as well as the Dad ... they are both in jail. No matter what, we as parents can't always blame others for our adult child's behavior.

My son and his ex (she left him for his friend the DAY he went to prison) made the agreement to tell their child that Daddy was away at school. I disagreed. Over time I started telling her that Daddy was in a place where he is learning to be a better person so that he can provide for her, and hopefully not get in to trouble when he comes home. This coming up weekend is going to be our first contact visit. I'm excited and nervous. Just the fact that he's not held, hugged or kisses his child in almost a year has really taken a toll on me.

I've been trying for two weeks to find out how things go with children at contact visits, but so far, no one has really told me anything. I want to be able to tell his child what it will be like, if she'll be able to sit on his lap, or next to him, or if there are games or toys available to play with, etc. I guess I'll find out first hand on Sunday!

Thanks again for this great response. I think it's important to let children know that both parents love them, no matter what. We as Grandparents may HATE the other parent, but the fact is, they share DNA and facts are facts.

Quote:

Originally Posted by jillie

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through all this. How wonderful you can be there for your granddaughter.

My background is in counseling, and I can give you a little feedback and advice I hope will be useful. First, I would suggest you tell her a very simple version of the truth. Mommy and Daddy broke a law in Colombia, and so they have to go live in jail for a few years. A jail is a big house, where they live with other people, and they are not allowed to leave for a period of time. They did something wrong, and it's kind of like being in time out. Even good people sometimes do wrong things, like a little girl might hit a friend, or tell a lie. Most grownups remember to obey the rules, but mommy and daddy broke the rules and got in grownup trouble. You wish it had not happened, and sometimes you feel a little bit sad and angry, and you understand that she will feel sad and perhaps mad sometimes, too. It's okay to be mad the people you love.

I can hear how angry you are with her dad, understandably, but she remembers him, so you probably should include him in the conversation, at least a little. Not in terms of blaming him, just a little general information, as in: he's in a jail for boys and mom's in a jail for girls. Then if you want, focus most of the conversation on mommy. Say how much mommy misses her, and how much she loves her, and how glad mommy is that your granddaughter is able to have a good life with you. Mommy wants her to have fun and play and learn, and in the future they will be together again.

It is very important for your granddaughter to hear explicitly that her parents did not abandon her because of anything she did - that it was out of their control. They made a serious mistake, but they did not want to be separated from her and they would be with her if they could. She is the most beautiful thing in her mommy's life, and in your life, and her job is to be happy and grow up and you're there to help her do that. Children usually believe whatever happens in their lives is because of them (it's part of their ego-development and how they develop their sense of self), so even if she never says that, she will be worrying about it. If mommy left me, maybe it's because I am not lovable.

You might tell her a brief version of this in one sitting, then let it be part of an ongoing conversation. Small children absorb information over time, in increments. And because children of this age have such a rich fantasy life, they often mix up reality and fantasy. You may hear her recite a very mixed-up version of the story later on, to you or to someone else, and you may want to go back and re-explain parts of the story. Remember her main reality is her here and now life with you, so I'm certainly not suggesting you focus a huge amount of time and attention on this. But she does need a framework in which to put the experience she is having.

Also, I would encourage her to draw a lot of pictures and express herself through play. You might get her some little dolls to represent her and her parents and you and whoever else is constant in her life. Let her do all the playing and don't try to guide the action. Just let her express her inner conflicts through play and you can listen and understand. If she displays some deep misunderstanding, factual or emotional, you can give her the correct information. But generally, play is how children work out their inner feelings, so just offer her tools and let her express. You'll probably find her artwork to be very revelatory of how she feels and what is going on inside.

Finally, children are immensely sensitive to the emotions of their caregivers. The more you heal, the more healing is available to her. I know you must be experiencing your own grief and anger, and perhaps even some guilt (guilt seems to be an inevitable, if irrational, thing for mothers). It is important for you to have support, perhaps through counseling, or at least having someone to whom you can talk and vent. And you must be worried about your daughter's well-being, too, and you need someone to listen to that. Then your emotional field will be more open to take care of this little girl.

Abandonment and grief are an inevitable wound, from which you cannot protect her. But you can show her and tell her that you will never abandon her, that's she's totally safe with you. And you can give her permission to express her grief, and comfort her as she does.

I wish you all the best.

Mrs.B.A.D. · #25 03-05-2011, 03:57 PM

in 2010 a woman claiming to be pregnant by my husband was sentenced to 5yrs. we have been unable to confirm her claims... however our asumption is that the baby was born in december 2010... this woman has not to our knowledge identified my husband as the father, therefore we no nothing of this poor child if it exisists....we are very concerned and do not want this baby lost in the system .....Please help with any information....